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Nancee
February 24, 2004
12:10 pm
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marley
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Hey nancee,

I read your posts on artist's thread about got an email from him.

I so know what you are going through and how it feels to get the mixed signals and all of that from him. It is so confusing and you just don't know what to do. I am in that right now, because my EX has said the same things, he isn't sure what he wants from me, but he knows he doesn't want me to leave. Am I am wimp for wanting to stay? What if this is how I truly feel? I am amazed sometimes at how strongly I feel for him, but then I think - it is just b/c he doesn't want me. If he wanted me would I still want him, I doubt it.

So now I am trying to convince myself that he wants me and I can just avoid him. I find that if I can convince my ego that I have what I want then it quiets down and I am not so obssessive. Maybe this would work for you.

Try to figure out what it is you really want - for me it was to know that he would love me forever. Then I thought back on all of our conversations and realized he had said that many times. I just thought that loving me forever meant being together forever. They are not necessarily the same thing.

I think we get upset when we talk to them b/c our expectation is that they will act a certain way or we want them to say certain things. Maybe if we just listen to what they are ACTUALLY saying they might be pretty close to what we want to hear. I am not saying read into it or overanalyze it. Just Listen - and you don't need any new conversations, think of the ones you have had, maybe you will realize that you already have gotten everything you wanted/needed from this man and his "reason" for being in your life is gone. Then you may open yourself up to finding something else that you need/want right now.

Just a thought

February 24, 2004
12:14 pm
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artist 2
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I have an idea. Get clarity on what he wants. If he doesn't know, then you're out of there. But, he can always call if he makes up his mind to be with you. That doesn't mean you'll be available and that's the chance he has to take. In the meantime, maybe you can just date and enjoy yourself. I think that's what I'll do after BF and I talk.

February 24, 2004
12:24 pm
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nancee
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Thanks to both of you. My counselor said that I should just send him an email telling him not to contact me any further until he decides what he wants and he is ready to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm not ready to do that yet because I'm not ready to hear what he will say. Probably just more of the 'I don't know' shit. When I do think back on our past conversations, I do believe that he truly doesn't know what he wants. At first when his marriage broke up, I couldn't get rid of him. He spent every spare moment with me, but did mention that he was scared and wondered if it was the smart thing to rush right into a 'real' relationship with me. I do think he is trying to do the right thing by letting me go for now. I think sometimes I'm more scared of me not wanting him than him not wanting me. I really don't know how I would feel if he wanted to be with me all the time. That's a good idea, Marley, maybe I should just pretend this is what I want and I'll start to be okay with it. It's so confusing to try to figure out what are my real feelings and what of this is just my obsessive/addictive personality.

I'm sure you will both make the right decisions about whether to see your BF's or not. Whatever happens, I'll be here for you and maybe your experience will help me get the nerve to tell my guy he needs to be more clear about his intentions and feelings. Unfortunately, at this time, he is not making any effort to contact me. I guess I should be thankful that he at least is not doing the back and forth thing. That's worse than being alone.

February 24, 2004
1:02 pm
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marley
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http://www.angelfire.com/indie.....index.html

One, that website is hysterical
Two, deciding what you want is the hardest thing in the world - I am the kind of person who when asked the question where do you see yourself in 5 years, honestly says I don't. I have no idea what I will be doing in 5 years and moreover I don't care. It drives my mother nuts.
Three, I am beginning to think men are the eighth plague or something, sent here to torment us into believing we are less than we are - that is crap.
Four, good luck - reading this site helps me to remember that I don't need a mad.
Five, I know counseling is good for you and all - but do the labels really help (ironic I know considering the site, but really?) We are all just human.

February 24, 2004
1:25 pm
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nancee
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Marley, I agree about the labels thing. Honestly, talking about my issues on here has helped more than counseling has helped so far. I'm kind of disappointed in the way counseling is going I guess because I seem to want a quick fix. I know there are no easy answers, and saying you're codependent, have intimacy issues, or whatever, doesn't change who I am. I think to a degree, all of us are codependent. Putting a label on it or reading a book won't fix the problem, it still takes work. My day has gotten better just from having someone to discuss things with. Thanks.

February 24, 2004
1:52 pm
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marley
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I know - it has helped me tons too, just to see that there are other people out there struggling everyday to be better people and get out of bad relationships! To have the validation that it isn't something wrong with us!!!

I feel better too!

February 24, 2004
1:55 pm
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marley
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I want to know the same thing too. I've thought of sending 'him' a letter and telling him I wasn't trying to rush our relationship and that if my wanting to have a baby is the issue, that I may change my mind about that if we have a chance together. But then I think, why should I always be the one to give in or change what I want to meet the needs of some 'boy'. What about what I wang? I should be looking for someone who wants the same things as me, right?

I just read this and I was thinking of something my sister told me

Why are you trying so hard to change him? It is like he is a screwdriver and you want a toaster. Why would you buy a screwdriver instead of a toaster, to turn it into a toaster? And even if you could, would it ever work right? NO it will always be a screwdriver. So give it up and buy a damn toaster.

February 24, 2004
3:22 pm
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nancee
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LOL, he is more like a screwdriver, in more ways than one. And I hope you know when I said 'what about what I wang', I meant what about what I want....maybe that was some type of Freudian slip or something. Thanks for making me smile.

February 25, 2004
12:52 pm
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marley
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hey no problem! How are you doing today? Better, it is wednesday only two more days until the weekend.

February 25, 2004
1:01 pm
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nancee
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Better today, having a pretty good day for once. Actually working at work instead of goofing off and thinking of things I shouldn't (him).
How are you?

February 25, 2004
3:15 pm
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marley
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Trying to work, but it is so much more fun to talk to all the girls on the message board that I never seem to want to work!

February 25, 2004
3:29 pm
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nancee
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I know, but it's so helpful, isn't it? That was a major problem I was having was that when I would get upset and need to talk to someone during the day, there was nobody available. Now I can check in and get support when I need and give support too. It's great.

February 25, 2004
4:51 pm
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marley
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I know I have been much more positive since I have been coming to this site. Although at the beginning it was because I was so distraught over stupid man and bad stuff happening to me, all these good things are happening to me now (of course he is stil 1000s of miles away) but I still love to come here and see how everyone else is, it makes me feel good, plus the websites are great!

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