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Nan needs to vent...can't sleep
February 27, 2005
3:09 am
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nancee
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Hello all. Hope someone is still awake. It is 1:37 here and I am on my upteenth night of insomnia. I get really good and sleepy and then get to bed and start thinking about all the things that are going on in my life and am suddenly wide awake. My body is tired but my mind is going full speed ahead. Tonight writing in my journal didn't seem like enough. Thought maybe if I got some input from some of you it might help.

My life has turned upside down in the past month. I lost my job, but I will get into that in a later post. Tonight I am so very angry at the man that I once loved. There are only a few of you who know the story because I am on here so sporadically...I will try to be brief in the background infomation. I began working with a guy about 10 years ago. Let's call him Will, otherwise known to Zinnie as Oompa. At first I thought he was just a big dork, of course I had a boyfriend at the time, maybe that had something to do with it. Anyway, we began attending the same training meetings and wound up working in the same department. We became good friends and talked about anything and everything, including his lack of sex at home. Initially I tried to offer him suggestions about how to improve things with his wife...he was unreceptive to any of my ideas. He had an excuse for everything and most of it was her fault. (so he said) We eventually began to have an affair. It would go on for a few months and then I would break it off and see someone else for a while. I always wound up back with him.

This went on for probably 5 years or so, then about a year and a half ago, I told him that I couldn't continue this, it was difficult for me to date others when I felt like I wasn't being honest with them about my ties to him. He listened to what I had to say and then proceeded to act as if I had said nothing. We continued to see each other. About a month after that, he called me and said that he was getting divorced and that it was his wife's idea and that he was pretty down on women and that he didn't think he could see me for a while. That lasted about a week.

We continued to see each other and he talked to me openly about the divorce. I felt we were getting closer. This lasted through Christmas and then he said he needed time on his own and that he needed to find out what he wanted for himself and maybe wanted to date. I told him if he was going to date someone I thought it should be me. We didn't see or talk to each other from January through April last year. Both our birthdays are in April/May and we started things back up about that time.

He began to talk to me about how hard the divorce was on him. ( I could just kick myself now for sympathizing with him. What about me being here alone for all those years?) Last summer we began to go out for drinks/dinner every once in a while. He even took me to a movie once. (aren't I a lucky girl?) He acted uncomfortable the whole time. That did nothing for my self esteem, not like anything else he did boosted my confidence.

When I tried to talk to him about feelings or our relationship, his excuse was that he just didn't talk about his feelings and he didn't know if he ever would. I, being the typical female superwoman, was convinced I could break down this wall. All that really happened was that we continued to see each other pretty regularly, just to have sex mostly. Might I add, he never spent the night with me except the night before Christmas Eve when he was too drunk to drive and should never have come over here. That makes a girl feel really good to have a guy bolt out the door before I've even had a chance to enjoy the post-sex closeness, not like there really was any.

The beginning of the end was Christmas. We discussed getting each other a gift because I was not going to go out of my way if he had no intention of getting me anything. He said okay. I had his gift ready about a week before Christmas and everytime he would come over I would try to give it to him. He would say no he wanted to wait until he brought my gift over. Because of having his child over Christmas, the next time I saw him was on the Sunday after New Year's Eve. He called to see if I wanted to go out to dinner. I was already thinking he was trying to distract me from the fact that there was no gift. Sure enough, he showed up empty handed. I went ahead and gave him his gift, part of the fun of Christmas is the giving part. He never said he was sorry he didn't get me anything, never made any excuse, never mentioned it. The next time we were together, I asked why he didn't get me a gift, was it just because he didn't want to. He just gave me his standard vague answer, he really didn't know. I want to stress that this is not about me wanting a gift, it is about the fact that we had discussed this and he didn't hold up his end of the bargain or make any effort to make up for it.

Things went downhill from there. He is a supervisor and a good friend of mine transferred to his department and immediately got a knee injury when she was coming in to work. I mentioned it to him and he said something really tacky about her and her injury. I didn't take that well, I am loyal to my friends and felt like he was showing his superiority over her. I could never tell her what he said but it still hurt me for her.

So, that was January 30. We had our normal time together, some cuddling on the couch, sex, (he refers to it as the F word always), then we talked a little and he went home. No reason to expect that anything had changed between us. He knew I was having some problems at work (I haven't worked at the company he is at for several years) and he would have trouble getting in touch with me.

I haven't heard from him since. I haven't called or emailed him. I have long passed the 21 day detox period. He has no idea that the longer I go without talking to him the easier it gets. I have been kind of missing him lately but then I think about how he has treated me and I get furious. I want to tell him what a jackass he is and how he was lucky I put up with him as long as I did and how I deserve much much better than him. I want to know what brough his absence on. I want to ask him what happened. I recently read the book He's Just Not That Into You. The guy says when you don't hear from a guy, that is your answer. He says that writing or calling is just giving the guy a chance to say louder, with words, why he chose not to continue seeing you. I think that is good advice. Besides, I feel like I would be giving in. Now I am just worried about how I will handle it when he does call, and he will. Curiousity will get the better of him because he hasn't heard from me and he will call. I so desperately want to tell him how I really feel about the way he treats me and tell him never to call me again. I am praying for strength.

One more thing, there is another guy, Paul, who I have known for several years. He was married to a girl I went to high school with and he worked with my dad and they became good friends. He is now divorced. He started calling me last summer and I just wasn't ready to let go of the thing with Will so I kind of blew him off. Well, we have been talking the past few weeks and he is the nicest guy you could ever imagine. He will call at night just to see how my day went. My uncle is in bad health and was recently in the hospital and Paul called every day to see how he was doing. Will never gave a shit about my family. It was just an inconvenience to him when I chose to spend time with them when he happened to want to see me. Paul even called to wish me Happy Valentine's Day, even though he was two states away. He works hard, has his two boys three weekends of the month and still has time to call me. Makes Will look pretty bad, doesn't he? I am scared to get involved with Paul too soon and we talked about that last night, we dont' want to do anything to ruin our friendship so we are taking things slow. I have to say it has been so nice to have someone calling me who actually wants to hear what I have to say. I've talked to him about things like my depression and anxiety that I never felt like I could talk to Will about.

I think I know in my heart what I need to do but I am so afraid I will mess everything up. I have no intention of contacting Will, but what if he calls me and I freeze and can't say what I feel like I need to say? Should I write it down now. I am constantly thinking about it and I need to let it go, I need some peace. Any suggestions?

Sorry this was so long-winded but I feel lots better. I will tackle the job thing later. I need suggestions about that too. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.

Nancee

February 27, 2005
10:50 am
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nancee
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Ok, I know that was a long-winded bit of venting last night, but it would really make me feel better if anyone would give me some input. I feel like I've finally seen the light as far as my relationship with Will goes, I only regret it took me so long. I hate to say it, but I think I'm looking for some validation of my feelings or someone to pat me on the back for finally simply getting smarter. I know I should be able to do that on my own.

By the way, barely any sleep at all. This has got to stop. Any suggestions in that area would be appreciated too.

February 27, 2005
11:39 am
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mamacinnamon
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I'll pat you on the back. You have seen the light as long as you never go back to him. Isn't it nice to have a real man pay attention to you? And he hasn't asked for sex yet has he. I do agree w/ taking it slow. You need time to heal and learn to get rid of the things that kept you with Will. Healing time.

As for sleep. They say warm milk. I hate milk. I'm not much into the homeopathics so I can't comment there either. Try some relaxation techniques. I think as you become more comfortable w/ yourself the sleep will come.

Good for you, and nice to meet you too.

February 27, 2005
12:12 pm
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nancee
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Thanks, Mamacinnamon. I really needed to hear from someone, anyone today. I don't think I will go back to Will. It's like something clicked in me and I finally get it. Another point that I firmly believe is that being with someone should make you feel better, not worse. Being with Will usually makes me feel worse about myself, like I'm not worth being loved the way I deserve to be. Although I am scared of starting something with Paul, every time I talk to him, he makes me feel good about myself. It's been a long time since anyone made me feel that way. It's scary but also a little exhilirating. Now I just have to find a job....

February 27, 2005
1:02 pm
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Hi Nan: Boy can I relate to what you have said. I had an affair for 18 years and it was so much like you described. Especially when you said that you should be the one he should date. Affairs are only for sex- they don't even put you on a scale of dating- its somewhere below that. Pretty pathetic isn't it? And the part about running out the door after the sex. It just leaves you feeling empty. And the cat and mouse game at Christmas- not even special enough to get you a gift. Yeah I know. I finally got fed up w/ mine and just told him to get lost. I don't even think about him anymore and this was just last summer. I don't need to have someone that doesn't make me feel good. they aren't interested in having a relationship w/ you, they just want sex. They don't even consider it a relationship, its just a little something extra they have going on.

Paul sounds like he could be a keeper. Like he really cares about you as a person and as a friend and wants to get to know you. That should be worth exploring.

I have always found writing things down helps tremendously. Sometimes you can think of these great things to say but when the time comes, can't remeber them. Plus it helps to get it out of your head.

Hope you got some rest. SD

February 27, 2005
1:46 pm
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nancee
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SD, It just seems like so many things have started to make sense lately. And aside from missing Will a little, mostly what I feel is relief. There were times when I actually dreaded him coming over because I knew I would feel worse when he left. I think I felt like if I loved him enough, I could get him to open up to me but I see know that I was wrong. Some guys are like that, will always be like that, and there is nothing we can do to change them. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself he is the one who is losing out in this situation, he will never know how happy it can feel to love and share yourself with someone.

My only problem with Paul is that it is hard for me to let someone be good to me, it sort of makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know if I feel like I don't deserve it or what the problem is. I need to work on that.

I can't express the relief I feel that I am ready for the thing with Will to be over forever. I just dread the idea of him calling me and how I will handle it. I think he has given me more than enough reasons never to go back to that hopeless situation. All I have to do is think about the Christmas thing and I get furious. And I suspect he stopped calling when he did, for one reason, was to avoid the Valentine's Day thing. It has been 4 weeks today since I saw or talked to him. I'm sure he thinks I am just sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. WRONG!!!

Thanks for your support. I feel stronger already.

Have a great day!

Nan

February 27, 2005
3:51 pm
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Hi Nan: I know what you mean about the nice guys- for some reason they make me feel guilty or something- I guess its, lilke you say, we don't feel we deserve it. Plus I'm not a taker so it feels dif being on the other side of a giver. I think just being ready with what you want to say, and having the resolve to say it it the key. For me, I just didn't want to feel that way anymore. The waiting, the disappointments, etc. The "let's get together at Christmas" and not hearing from him, being forgotten on V Day and my birthday, and on and on. We deserve to be treated like we are special, not just a little convenience when they are in the mood. Isn't it strange how alike some of these men are? And how alike we women are that put up with it? One reason I love this site is finding out the commonality of all of these behaviors.

With Paul maybe you have a chance to try to learn something about yourself. Take it slow and try to adjust to it. I think its great you have someone who wants to treat you like that. SD

February 27, 2005
6:14 pm
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nancee
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Yes, it is great to know we aren't the only ones who have been through something like this. How many times did I get this far out of the thing with Will, only to have him call me and I let myself fall back into it thinking it would be different. It never was. I am so relieved to have the blinders off where he is concerned. It does hurt to finally make myself admit it was basically just a sex thing to him, I think he cared about me as much as he could, but it wasn't enough and never will be. He is not capable and has no desire to give. I'm relieved to no longer be waiting for something that isn't possible.

I wonder what makes us this way also. Why don't we have more self esteem? Why don't we demand more from the men in our lives? And most importantly, why don't we feel like we deserve to be treated like the wonderful women we are? Why are we drawn to emotionally unavailable men?

Like you said about yourself, I am a giver too. I am not used to having a guy make any effort to do anything for me or take care of me in any way. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Is it a control thing? I'm a little scared to let my guard down and just see what might happen. I don't want to miss out on a great guy just because I'm scared.

I am sorry you have been through a similar situation but am glad you got out of it. I feel strong today but don't know what tomorrow will bring, I may need to ask you to help snap me back to reality, lol. Thanks for understanding. It means more than you could know.

Nan

February 27, 2005
8:31 pm
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Hi Nan: If you are scared, all the more reason to take it slow. Let him earn your trust. You've got to protect yourself but at the same time try to be open to what he has to offer. It may be something wonderful. They say love takes time- I always want to grab the brass ring and run w/ it- and the outcome is not so great. But usually the men i pick are shoving it down my throat at the same time and I don't get to think about it first. Oh well. I am learning. At least you are willing to try again- I'm still staying in my little shell. Maybe someday.

February 27, 2005
10:08 pm
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Foggy1
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You began that relationship as an affair, based on lying and cheating, keeping the truth away from his wife at home.

I think it would be unreasonable to think he was being totally honest with you all the time too.

I'd forget him, never look back and start seeing the caring man you described.

February 27, 2005
10:43 pm
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I know, that is something that I spent a great deal of time thinking about. The way we started our relationship didn't give us much hope of ever working out. And although I tried to tell myself he would never cheat on me, I know in my heart I could never trust him. I'm through beating myself up over getting into that situation...I was lonely, he was my friend and I loved him. I didn't set out to hurt anyone and I ended up being the one who got hurt.

I'm just trying to find a way to close the door on him and move on with my life. It is difficult when there has been no 'ending'...he just stopped calling and I don't know why. I know if I did contact him and ask the 'why', I would end up seeing him again...so I am trying to be tough and just let it be what it is, over.

Zinnie, if you're out there, I know you'll be proud of me for finally seeing what was right in front of my face. Feel free to say 'I told you so' if you want, because you did try to open my eyes, I just wasn't ready. I hope you are feeling better and can't wait to hear from you.

SD, as far as Paul goes, I think the fear I have is that I will do something to hurt him. I have tried over the past few years to date other guys and once it reaches a certain point, I freak out and have to get out of there. I don't want to do that to him. Thankfully, I have been honest with him about how I'm feeling and he totally understands. There is a big part of me that just wants to crawl into a shell and not date anyone for a long long time...but what if he's the one? I guess I just have to follow my heart.

Right now my heart is aching just a little because another Sunday night has passed without Will calling. I know it is a good thing because I don't have to worry about geting drawn back into him. A lot of what I'm trying to get over is simply habit. It was habit for him to call me on Sunday nights after he took his son home. Come to think of it, sometimes on his weekends when he didn't have his son he wouldn't call me until Sunday night because he was busy out living his life, playing golf and hanging with his buddies. Boy was I an idiot! Well, sisters, those days are over! I'd rather be alone than with someone who treats me like an afterthought. (that sounded pretty good, didn't it? lol)

I may not be tough tonight but I can fake it! Hope you all are doing well and thanks for helping me out today. It feels good to have the support of others and I am guilty of not asking for it sometimes when I need it most.

Nan

February 28, 2005
2:39 pm
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kathygy
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Nan, 'Will' treated you like shit. He lacked the capacity to talk about feelings and to be honest. He is the loser here not you. I agree it would be a good idea to write down everything you want to say to 'Will'. It will help get it outside of yourself. You deserve so much more than this jerk had to offer. Stop waiting for him to call. Focus on the new guy and tolerate the uncomfortable feelings of being treated well. You can get used to it and expect it. Taking it slow is a great idea.

February 28, 2005
3:05 pm
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nancee
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Thanks Kathy, I feel a little better about the Will situation every day. I think I was undermining my own self esteem by being around him. Just not seeing him or talking to him for a month has allowed me time to see that I deserve much much more than what I was getting from him. He has nothing to offer, is incapable of any type of intimacy and most of all, doesn't really care about me or my life.

As I said before, most of what I am dealing with is just getting over a bad 'habit'. It was a habit to expect him to call on Sunday night but I have to admit that many times I would dread that phone call. I think my subconscious was telling me he was all wrong for me. After the initial 'disappointment' that he didn't call ( only habit) I was just fine. I am better on my own than I was with him.

And the thing about Paul is, even though we are just friends now, I know without a doubt he would do anything he could for me and my family and probaly my friends too. I want to be with someone who will love my family and friends and enjoy sharing their friends and family with me. I deserve that.

I'm off to the doctor to see if I can get something to help me sleep. I think if I can just get one or two good night's sleep to get me over the hump, I will be much better. Also, I just got a phone call from a lady I emailed my resume to and she was very impressed with my experience and I have an interview on Thursday! Things are looking up.

March 1, 2005
12:35 pm
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I'm sad today. I got new meds to help me sleep and I had weird dreams and woke up missing Will. I know there is nothing to miss but it will take a while to get over this. Anybody have any words of wisdom?

I talked to Paul for over an hour last night. We talked about things we want to do when the weather gets warmer, like go to Six Flags and go to the lake, stuff like that. I feel guilty when I'm talking to him sometimes because I worry that he is thinking of this as more of a relationship at this point than I am. It is so good for me to talk to him because he makes me laugh and he makes me feel good about myself, but what if I freak out and mess things up with him? Guess it's obvious I'm not as positive as I was yesterday, huh?

Where's Zinnie when I need her? And SD? And anyone else who can relate? I feel like I'm being selfish needing support today instead of giving support. I'm a mess.

March 3, 2005
3:37 pm
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Hey, SDesigns, where are you? I'm having a moment. Have talked to Paul a couple of times this week. He called yesterday and wanted to go out to eat and I couldnt' make myself call him back. Part of it was that I was so focused on the job interview that i had today, part of it was fear. I talked to him this morning and he said he enjoyed talking to me on the phone but he would like to get together for dinner and talk more and see what we have in common and figure out whether we think this could be something. I felt like he was quoting my mother. Surely to goodness she didnt say that to him. My uncle is disabled and living in a handicap equipped apartment and Paul is buying my uncle's house that is near my parents'. I wouldn't put it past her to say something like that to him. That sounds just like something she would say to me. I feel pressured. I feel like Paul is anxious to see if we will make a love connection so that if not, he can move on and find someone else. I am not that desperate or in that big of a hurry or whatever. I don't see what the rush is. He has only been divorced for about 6 months. He seems pretty needy. I am fine on my own most of the time. Even if I was in a relationship with him I wouldn't freak out if I dind't talk to him every single day. He doesn't seem as independent as me. Am I over thinking this, making too much out of it? I just hate feeling pressured or rushed to 'create' a relationship. It seems like it's being forced rather than just letting it happen.

When he leaves messages if he doesn't get me on the phone, he sounds disappointed or irritated. That bothers me. The problem is that he drives a truck for a large company and he never knows ahead of time when he will have a free evening. He called yesterday and wanted to get together and I felt like it just wasn't enough notice and I panicked and just didn't call him back. I don't like to feel like I need to be waiting by the phone or like he needs to know where I am all the time.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! This is so frustrating. Relationships are tough enough without my overbearing mother being involved.

March 3, 2005
4:18 pm
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Hi nan: Just wanted to let you know I just saw this. I'm heading out the door to meet a client so I'll get back to you later. Hang in there. SD

March 3, 2005
8:46 pm
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Hi Nan: The association w/ your mother and Paul would be bothersome to me- but thats just me. I don't introduce guys to my parents until way, way down the road. But.. if he likes your family, that helps if you want the relationship to progress. But its kind of like putting the cart before the horse. If he's divorced, he's used to having someone around all of the time. I know what you mean about the needy thing- it can be draining and too much pressure. It's not your job to fulfill his needs- his got to do that by himself and then you are an added bonus to his his life. But don't give in- be true to yourself and keep your boundaries. Listen to YOU because you're the important one here. I think its OK to keep seeing him if you take it at a pace that is comfortable to you. If he gets too pushy, then maybe think about letting him go. Alot of divorced guys like to get married again so he may seem like he's in a hurry. You are just dating- no committments- so he doesn't need to know where you are all of the time. And he doesn't have any claim to your time, especially if it is last minute. Don't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to- its simple as that. I think you're seeing a few red flags and that is what dating is for- to get to know people. Doesn't mean you have to keep seeing them. SD

March 3, 2005
8:49 pm
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Nan, I think we have a little voice inside of us that is very wise and we forget to listen to it or just are not aware of it. I think that little voice may be warning you, he seems needy and it's too early for him to want a relationship. How long was he married for? I say if he makes you feel like this already, let him go b4 it gets too bad.

March 3, 2005
9:59 pm
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Ok, let me explain why Paul already knows my parents. A few years ago, my mom told me that dad had been working with a guy that was married to a girl I went to school with. I remembered him, they got married when we were still in high school because she was pregnant. She had a miscarriage but they stayed married and have 2 boys. They were married about 20 years.

Anyway, he and my dad got to be good friends and Paul and I hit it off the few times we were around each other, just laughing and cutting up. But that was strictly on a friendly level when he was still married. Now that he is divorced and buying my uncle's house, he has been talking to my mom a lot and I wouldn't put it past her to give him a little nudge just like she's been doing me. I don't want to feel pressured into a relationship.

The more I feel pressured the more likely I am to call Will and end up back with him because there is no pressure with him. I know that is wrong for me but that's what I do when I feel pressure. Isnt part of getting better recognizing my behaviors and trying to change the ones that aren't healthy? Getting back with Will wouldn't be healthy but who knows what I might do if I continue to be pressured by both my parents and Paul to go out with him.

I was calling him earlier and suddenly wondered, 'how did this happen that I feel like I need to call him and tell him what's going on?'.....You're right, I don't owe him any explanation for how or where I spend my time, but I can tell he will be very possessive. I don't think he will be able to do casual dating.

I am just now enjoying being alone/without Will and being okay with it. I am not ready to rush into a new relationship. I am fine being friends with Paul, and maybe down the road something more will come of it, but right now I just want a friend. I feel like he is too anxious to tie me down and I'm not ready for that. I wish my mother would just stay the hell out of it. Wouldn't you think she would be happy enough that I'm not seeing Will anymore...she has never given me credit for knowing what I want. She always thinks she knows what's best for me. I'm tired of being treated like a child.

And I'm tired of talking to Paul every day. This has got to stop before it goes any further. Maybe I'll go to dinner with him when he gets a free evening, but this talking every day has to stop. Right? Good, I feel better already.

March 3, 2005
10:16 pm
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Ok I see the picture better now. Well one thing in his favor is that he married the girl from high school. So that says something for his character. The having to talk to him everyday would make me uncomfortable as well- its like there is an underlying "understanding" when in fact there isn't. Can you talk to him about this? Or maybe when you make plans, say OK I'll talk to you on ...whatever day, hoping he'll get the hint you don't want to talk to him til then. It sounds like he's crowding you- maybe just tell him you like seeing him but need a little space. That you need to adjust to his companionship. Do you know why he got a divorce? Can you find out somehow? Possessiveness is hard to deal with and would make me very unhappy. Could mean he's very controoling as well. Have you picked up on anything like that? Just the having to talk to you everyday is a way of controlling and checking up on you. I'm not in any way saying Paul is like this but have you read the "How to become prey to a charmer/abuser" thread? You can find it on thread search. I don't think this is anything that drastic but it points out so many red flags about guys that come in hard and fast. Check it out.

March 3, 2005
10:34 pm
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nancee
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SD, he had been having marriage problems as long as my dad and he have been friends. That's all he would talk about to dad was how he never got any sex and how she wouldn't have anything to do with him. Then they would work on their marriage and things would get better, then they would be on the outs again. Finally, about 2 years ago, she told him she wanted him to leave and they split up then. I guess in a way, he has never been on his own, he went from high school to being married for 20 years...that would explain the neediness...I remember the first time I was on my own and it was very difficult to get used to. Now I don't mind being on my own at all.

Yes, I think the thing about talking every day just happened and he started to take it for granted we were gonna talk each day or night. When I talked to him earlier, I told him I was going out to dinner with friends tomorrow night and that saturday I would be going down to my mom's to help her do some stuff. I know, I know, why did I have to tell him everything? I was trying to let him know not to expect to talk to me for a couple of days.

I feel suffocated. I have so much other stuff going on. One of my friends said a very wise thing...she said in her opinion, I need concentrate on finding a job and getting settled there and worry about my love life later. She is so right.

I feel like he wants to know right now, right this very minute, if we are going to be a 'couple' or not. To me, that is not taking things slow. To me, taking things slow might mean it would be months before we were even to the point where we would consider being an official couple.

Chicky, you said something about that little voice inside. I think the fact that I am so uncomfortable and crowded is my little voice trying to tell me to slow down. I do need to worry about finding a job and dont' need the added stress of whether I am acting the way paul thinks I should toward him. I need to get my priorities in order.

I guess there are red flags all over the place. I am not comfortable with this situation.

March 3, 2005
11:18 pm
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nancee
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Well, thanks for talking to me tonight. I am getting to bed to rest up for my TWO job interviews tomorrow. Think positive thoughts, pray, cross your fingers, do whatever you can do to wish me luck and peace. Thanks.

SD, sometime when you've got time, tell me a more about yourself, your bad relationship, how you got to the point that you broke it off. Just anything you're comfortable sharing. It makes me feel stronger to know someone else has survived a difficult situation.

March 4, 2005
12:31 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Nan: Good luck on your interviews tomorrow. My story: well there are actually 2 that lead me to this board and some of the worst experiences I have had. The affair was really easy to let go- it had run its course. He was a charming guy and I enjoyed his friendship, encouragement etc but it got to a point that I couldn't take just being a convenience for him. the sex was terrific- best I've ever had- and that was hard to give up. In comes problem #2- a guy that lives in my complex (stupid, stupid, stupid of me!)swept me off my feet (the charmer/abuser poster boy) and for nearly a year put me thru hell. But I was hooked and completely lost myself. I knew it wasn't good for me but I dreaded the after part. He's a recovering alcoholic and AA is his life. He is also a sex addict and since we have split he has beeen with at least 30 women. All dif ages, sizes, colors, shapes. He even tried to hit on another woman in the complex who is 74!(he's 55) I never knew about alcoholics or sex addicts- I know a lot more about him now than I did then and he is sickening. Every now and then he e-mails me to see if I would like to come over for sex. I have since changed my e-mail. I hate myself for getting involved w/ someone like that and actually caring about him. He lives about 25' away and sometimes I hear him having sex or talking in the shower w/ his flavor of the month. His current one is a dif color and shaves her head. He doesn't really have a type. I wish I could move but I own the place and it is paid for and would put me in a huge financual bind to try and move. And I refuse to let him make me make that sort of change in my life. He could care less what he does to women as long as he gets sex- his favorite activity as he calls it. He still makes me feel creepy, knowing what he is like. I wish I never let him touch me. How's that for a story? Ughhh. But thanks for asking. My friends got tired of hearing about it.

Knock em dead tomorrow!

March 7, 2005
12:14 am
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nancee
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Both interviews Friday went well. And....when I got home there was my first unemployment check in the mail which means I can breathe again and don't have to take the first thing that comes along if it isn't right for me. Whoo hoo!

Will called Friday night while I was out but didn't leave a message. I realized it was our anniversary. Guess he remembered before I did. Then Paul left a hateful message on my voice mail last night because he couldn't track me down. I do no need that right now. I think maybe I need some time on my own before I try to date someone new. I certainly don't need someone trying to pin me down before we've ever even been on a date. I can't put my pinpoint exactly what the prob is, but something about Paul seems very not right for me. I went to my mom's today and thankfully, she didn't mention Will or Paul. No boy talk today at all. It was nice.

SD, it is so hard to let go and keep letting go. My heart just ached Friday night to know that Will had called and was thinking of me. I guess it's good that he didn't leave a message so at least I didn't have to hear his voice. I'm missing him tonight. I know I shouldn't be even thinking of talking to him but I am. Am I crazy? I just told one of my friends the other day that if Paul made me uncomfortable I was afraid it would drive me back to Will, my comfort zone, even if it's not right. Well, I'm trying to keep that from happening but it's not easy.

I feel for you. It is especially hard when the guy lives so close to you. I wish sometimes it could be like that movie 'Eternal Sunshine' and you could just wipe all traces of them from your life. Guess these experiences are what make us tougher?

I'm going to try to start working out tomorrow. I might as well be doing something positive while I'm not working. I really want the second job I interviewed for...it is at a clinic where I would work doing any job they offered me. Hope I hear from them this week. I'm about to cruise the classifieds and see if they have any more open positions.

Have a good week!

March 7, 2005
11:15 am
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nancee
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I am falling apart. My mother left a voice mail early this morning and said she wanted to say something to me but didn't bring it up yesterday. She told me that she thinks I should tell Paul that I am not interested in a relationship and just want to be friends. He told either her or my dad that he had rearranged his plans last week so he could take me out and that I chose to go out with my girlfriends instead. First of all, he said nothing to me about rearranging his plans, he just said he may be back in town sometime Friday night. I talked to him on my way to meet my friends and he was still in Texas at that time. That night, I told him if we were going to have a relationship, it would need to happen very slowly because I was scared of either one of us getting hurt. He seemed understanding, I thought we had a nice talk that night.

But to find out that he just ran to my mom or dad and my mom chooses to make me the bad guy? I am furious. I can thank him for making up my mind for sure. I have told him repeatedly that this needs to be between him and me and not to involve my parents. Why does my mother always choose to see everyone's side but mine? My feelings are so hurt. I dont' want to talk to her because I don't want to argue. I thought of sending her an email but don't know if I should do anything today.

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