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Mzrella it is possible, don't give up
December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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alien
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September 30, 2010
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((((Ella))) I'm so glad you're still with us!!!

I've been through
the traumatic 'suicide watch' scenario at a hospital that was so
messed up too.

You are good and
deserving and worthy..keep going..

So sorry about
your ex! You have just been through so much..

My thoughts are
with you.

So happy you are
alive!

Keep taking care
of yourself from here on in..ok!?

Peace to you
ella.

sincerely,
alien

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Ella...I do not know you but my heart goes out to you! I hope
your ok now...I understand all bout reaching out and then being
ignored or not taken seriously, all to well! I am so sorry! Hugs to
you!

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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andii
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September 27, 2010
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Hi
Mzrella,

How are things
going?

thinking about
ya!

andii

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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Hi, I
am having a hard time.

Today I just tried
to stay out of the house because I knew I wouldn't do well inside.
I have a lot of things to do around the apartment, the EMS left the
place a mess, not that I'm complaining but some how furniture got
overturned and things are a mess pretty much everywhere in my
apartment. Even though it's hard to look at it like this, sometimes
it's harder for me to be alone with my thoughts and cleaning it up.
So I went to the shrink for appointment, ran some errands, walked
the dog for a long time, called a friend and spent the day with
her. She is a very understanding soul and also needed the
company.

Still, as soon as
I settled down I started to cry. I hate this. If this is about my
ex I really don't understand the grief. Feeling bad for him is one
thing, but I don't understand what I'm grieving since I lost him
already. Why would I miss him now? Is it because it's
final?

Basically, I am
getting sick of myself and I just want to feel better. But everyone
says this will take time since the ex was such a big part of my
life. Well, I thought I got him out of my life, but I guess I never
got him out of my head.

Also, there is
part of me that feels like since I never loved anyone since then
(though I've dated), I never will. It is making me feel very much
alone and hopeless.

Today my friend
and I went to look at the holiday windows on 5th Avenue, and she
wanted to go into Bergdoff Goodman's so we did. She bought a small
gift and when we were getting it wrapped she was talking to this
young woman who was getting some decorations for her tree and was
all excited about some Christmas party she was having. My friend
will talk to anyone, but it just made me sad and jealous to see
that young woman with her big engagement ring talking about the
party she and her mate were having... I felt so small and ugly. Why
do I have to feel so crappy when I am around people who have it
good like that? I guess I feel like I never had a chance... I am
never getting married. Never. I have no hopes of that. I'm just sad
and angry right now. I feel like I've tried my whole life to make
things better, to be a good person to other people, to be
healthy... and it never works out, so I lose faith.

I really hate the
holidays and I am not looking forward to this year's. Especially
New Year's.

I am grateful for
so many of the things in my life, but somehow it is not enough to
sustain a sense of well being. What is wrong with me? Why am I not
happy to be alive?

-ella

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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((((Ella))))

Thinking of you
and wanted to let you know.

Its OK to be angry
and sad and all that at the same time. And whatever process and
time it takes to make peace with your ex, is what it takes. You
don't have to get him out of your head, just make peace with it.
Not sure exactly how to do that, because I don't know what you are
holding on to.

I have found that
some of my memories/feelings/emotions are locked up in my physical
body. Its weird I realize, but I've been taking this dance therapy
class and some of the movements we do is suppose to release
different emotions and it is working. I went last week and just
broke down in tears at one point because of such strong emotions.
It is based in alternative/reiki healing methods with the movement
of energy and chakras and all. But it has helped me release some of
what I have held onto so much.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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i
just don't want to feel these feelings anymore

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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What
feelings are you feeling? I can ask my dance therapy teacher for
ways to release them and try to describe it for you. I might
already have done some of the exercises in my class
already.

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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Chelonia-

I don't feel
receptive to therapy, it's that bad. I sometimes feel like I'm
sorry that anyone saved me. I'm jealous of my ex that he doesn't
have to feel things or deal with life anymore. I'm tired of
it.

December 8, 2010
12:00 am
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andii
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September 27, 2010
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mzrella,

I hate this
feeling. sometimes I have to ask myself, what is positive? And
really, really think about it. Doesn't always result in anything
better, but sometimes, well, it does, if only a little or for a
little while.

What is positive
in your life?

andii

December 8, 2010
12:00 am
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andii,

There is a lot
that is positive, the trouble is getting myself to appreciate it
all:

My dog

My family
(disordered, but supportive)

My
apartment

My (physical)
health

My job

My
friends

My intelligence
(when not hampered by emotional stuff)

The city I live
in

My
therapist

and you aac
people!

There is more, but
I am having a hard time. That's a pretty good list coming from a
depressed person, no?

This grief thing
is throwing me for a loop though. It feels too much like obsession.
And it a way it kind of is. I went to a grief website that is
pretty good. Aparently I have grief with complications of sort, and
meet all the criteria for one who needs help. Good thing I'm
getting it.

-ella

December 9, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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Hey
Ella,

I appreciate your
honesty and self awareness. Sorry to hear you are feeling so low
right now. Its good that you can list so many positive things in
your life today. That is an incredible list. And for today just
being able to make this list is a great accomplishment. The
appreciation part will come in its time.

Sending you
beautiful thoughts and positive feelings for your
weekend.

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