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Mzrella it is possible, don't give up
October 31, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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I
know you are in pain

I know you have
had a rough time recovering from your addiction and dealing with
mental illness

I know you have
gotten knocked down with the passing of your ex.

I know you are a
very capable person who is making great progress in overcoming the
unhappiness in life and getting closer to the happiness you
deserve

I wish I could do
a better job of showing you what I see in you. Many of us see a
very wonderful person who has the potential to be very happy but
has just had a rough time so far

I hope you read
this and recieve the love and energy I'm sending your way to help
you through this difficult time. You are in my thoughts very strong
today.

I just dozed off
for a bit and had a dream that you were falling from the sky. There
were a group of us from ACC on the ground looking up at you. You
had on a parachute and we are all yelling as loud as we could to
let out the parachute. You kept yelling back that you weren't
worthy of a parachute and you would just splat on the ground. We
kept telling you to reach back, that it was there, that you are
worthy and all you had to do is pull the string and it would be
OK.

But you kept
insisting that the parachute wasn't there as you fell closer and
closer to the earth.

So just before I
startled awake there was a small angel dog that appeared by your
side and started pulling the string to your parachute. And then I
woke up.

I know its just a
dream, but I wanted to share it. You are very close to my heart and
I care for you very much.

November 1, 2010
12:00 am
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lollipop3
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((((ella)))))

November 1, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((((((((((Ella)))))))))))))

I hope you read
this.

You are on my mind
a lot and I'm very worried about you right now.

You were in my
dreams again last night. Last night I dreamed about all the furkids
I've lost this past year. Avie, the kitty I had to euthanize
yesterday, asked me to walk with her to the field before the
Rainbow Bridge. When we got there she was greeted by all of the
pets that have died before her. I even got to see Dax, my poor
turtle that I found dead a few weeks ago. He let me know that he
didn't suffer when he passed and that he enjoyed all his adventures
for the 6 weeks that he had been missing from his cage, especially
since the cactus fruits were everywhere during that time and he had
plenty of his favorite food to eat.

As Avie happily
joined all her friends, I looked around and saw you sitting under a
tree and I knew it was you and I called out to you. When I called
you Ella, you said that I wasn't ever suppose to see you in person,
that was your secret name that no one knew.

I sat with you a
while and we talked like old friends. You said you were waiting for
something that always seems be just beyond your reach and you
thought you would find it here. As we are talking somehow we end up
at a cafe in Paris and we are looking at all the people passing by
on the street. The coffee is strong and bitter and the waiter won't
serve us any sugar or milk so we have to just drink it the way it
is.

As we finish the
last of our coffee we are now in our 50s on a dolphin watching boat
and you are the one there talking about the dolphins. You are
radiately happy with the wind in your hair and a genuine smile on
your face. You have been doing this for years now. You talk about
some lady named Scarlet who was a close friend of yours and asked
you to continue her research and protection of the dolphins before
she retired. As you continue to talk about the different family
groups of the dolphins I realize that you don't know who I am, but
somehow I know its you.

And then I woke up
with a big dog standing on my chest wanting her
breakfast.

Anyways, I usually
don't remember my dreams this well and for some reason have felt
compelled to share it with you. Its probably kinda silly and weird
to share it, but for whatever reason, I feel like it is what I am
suppose to do.

Sending you lots
of love and caring and comfort during this difficult
time.

December 2, 2010
12:00 am
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Chelonia and all,

Today I just got
back from a month long involuntary hospitalization after a near
fatal overdose on perscription meds. I had a lot of vicodin,
percocet, ambien and xanax... and I took most of them. I don't know
how I got to that place so quickly. But I did try very hard to
fight off the feelings of suicidal urges. I called a hotline- they
stopped the call five minutes into it, and said they were out of
time, this fed my anger and loneliness and basically was a major
trigger for me after eight years of sobriety and stability. Maybe I
was more depressed than I thought, I was told I am somewhat of a
workaholic and was "dissociating." Or something.

At any rate, I
think I might have posted here when I was a little out of it from
the pills, but I don't know what I wrote. I am sorry if I upset
anyone, or caused worry. It is not something I would have done with
a clear head.

The death of my ex
was a catalyst, not because of the loss as much as that it kicked
up a lot of really painful issues surrounding my illness and my
past. I started to look at my uglier side, my sick side, and I
realized there are so few points in my life that I can look back on
and not feel ashamed. I hate being bipolar, and it seems no matter
how hard I try to deal with it, it gets the best of me.

I just wanted to
apologize here, I may write some more tomorrow. I am up far too
late again... and am very tired. This is no good for my moods so I
will sign off.

-ella

December 2, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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(((((mzrella))))) I can't believe they stopped all
call!

YOU SURVIVED! You
are on this earth for a purpose. (((((mzrella)))))

Bitsy

December 2, 2010
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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hey
mzrella! i am happy to hear from you! hey mzrella what kind of
jokes do vegetables like? CORNY ONES! did that make you laugh?
sorry, i am normally more funny i promise, cant wait to hear more
from you, online life was boring without you in it 🙂

December 2, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((((Ella)))))))

I am so happy that
you are ALIVE!!!!!

You have been in
my thoughts constantly since you last posted. When you didn't
respond for such a long time, I thought you might have killed
yourself. Even though I stopped posting after a while, I still
never stopped hoping in my heart that you were in a hospital unable
to post.

I'm so so so so so
glad that was the case. In my yoga class we have learned about
something called a Kriya, where you do a mantra or meditate on
something for 9 minutes every day for 40 days and it is suppose to
help it to happen. The night you last posted, I started a Kriya.
It's expaneded to all AAC posters, but was inspired by you. Because
I realized how much you meant to me and how powerless I felt when I
couldn't be there for you like I could for a real life friend, I
wanted to do something. So hopefully you received the unconditional
love and hope that has been sent your way for the past
month.

I knew that if you
weren't here anymore I would mourn for you. I decided not to mourn
until I had finished 2 Kriyas. The first was for our safety and
healing from what life has given us. The second is to remove
obsticles that block our path. I am going to finish
both.

I'm so glad you
are alive. You add positive things to the planet and will be
greatly missed when it is your time to leave.

Your cyberfriend
always, Chelonia

December 2, 2010
12:00 am
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sdesigns
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Ella:
I am GLAD to hear from you. I thought about you at thanksgiving and
wanted to write something to you but I was afriad you were no
longer with us. I too feared you had gone thru with killing
yourself. I can't tell you how glad I am that you posted today. You
don't have to apologize- (((((Ella)))))

sd

December 2, 2010
12:00 am
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Shaney
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JEEEZUS ELLA!!!!

I'm so glad to see
you back - despite what you've gone through. I knew you'd make it.
No need to apologize - people here genuinely care about
you.

I'm hoping you
keep pushing forward. I would miss you if you weren't
around.

(o: ((((BIG HUGS
TO YOU ELLA)))) :o)

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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{{Hugs}}

ella, glad to see
you are back!

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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andii
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Oh
ella, I'm so sorry this is all happening. Did the hospital help
you? What happened there? WEre you able to talk about things and
find out what led to this? I've so many questions. I hope I'm not
being overbearing. It might seem as though I've got it all together
but trust me I don't.

What happened
ella?

andii

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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Bitsy-

Hugs to you, thank
you. Well, the reason why I survived was because while I was taking
the pills I wrote a note, and then tried to call my therapist's
answering machine to tell her I was sorry and appreciated all she
did, but I called the wrong number on my cell and got her at home
and then since I was so messed up on the pills talked to her,
though I don't remember what exactly went down.

It's all very
embarrassing.

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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zarathustra-

Thanks.
🙂

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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(((Chelonia)))-

Thank you for your
thoughts and caring. I feel like a real loser, so it's nice to be
thought of.

I have had remorse
for what I did, feeling bad that I upset others, but I am kind of
feeling a little too sad to have that be my focus. Deep sadness
makes one selfish... I can't explain.

Before I got the
news about my ex, I was burying a lot of feelings and memories and
keeping busy and distracted. I thought I was doing what was healthy
and going on with my life. Now I am told that I wasn't doing the
right thing, that I wasn't dealing with things.

My old issues
about my illness and that relationship are now haunting me big time
and it is hard not to obsess over them. I hate it, I thought I was
free of this for so long. I can't say I was happy, but I felt that
I was liberated. I guess I wasn't.

-ella

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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Thanks to (((Shaney))) and (((China doll)))

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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andii-

The hospital was
terrible. I guess I am grateful that they saved my life, the
medical treatment was great. But the psych ward was awful. It was a
public hospital, so I hate to say, that made a difference. Most of
the patients were very low functioning, and it was depressing as
well as tiring to be around them. That sounds cold, but being
around the mentally ill 24/7, when you are suffering yourself, is
difficult and you lose your compassion and start to just find
everyone annoying. I felt reminded of Sartre's "No Exit," and that
hell is other people. It was awful to be confined and shut in with
no one to really talk to.

I understand that
I did something drastic and needed to be kept safe from myself, but
the way some psych units are run and the patients treated as if it
is punitive rather than therapeutic. There is no time for real
therapy, so you are left alone with your awful thoughts. Right now
I am basically where I was before I went in. I'm just more aware
that I have no escape.

It is upsetting to
me that in a time when one is feeling the most ultimate sadness,
the impulse of others is simply to scold you rather than to
understand. Certainly any self destructive action is not to be
condoned, but there should be room for some sort of therapy in
those places. The groups I attended were basically time killers.
The group therapists were kind, the only place we were in fact
treated like grown human beings, but because the level of
functioning by most patients was very low, we most often did not
have coherent or productive conversation. There was no individual
therapy.

My doctor did not
listen to anything I had to say in regards to medication, etc. He
asked me questions and ignored the answers. After a while I got
frustrated and said "Why do you ask me things if you do not want to
hear the answer?" It was like being in the twilight zone. At one
point I was fainting several times. They overdosed me on some
medicine at one point, and had to give me an IV, EKG, and all
this... then it happened a few other times for unknown reasons (the
medicine I believe). At one point I felt weak and went to the
nurse's station and while talking to them about it, I passed out
and came to on the floor with a group of nurses around me accusing
me of faking it!!! For god's sake why would anyone do that? I was
so afraid of this fainting business then on top of it to have the
people who are in charge of your medical care act so ignorantly
adds to the scare. Thank god they called a doctor which made them
change their tune.

Anyway, it felt
like prison. They barely fed us enough. My sister came as often as
she could and brought me food.

Some people might
think that I should just be grateful to be alive, and not complain
about the care. But I do believe that there is a tendency when
caring for psychiatric patients for the professionals to provide
less than stellar treatment since most of the patients cannot stick
up for themselves. And like I said, many are difficult to be
around. This is inhumane and unfortunate. There were a few decent
exceptions, and I am grateful for their efforts. I don't know what
I would have done without them there.

So to sum it up,
the hospital sucks. But look at the alternative, I
guess.

-ella

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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you
really are amazing ella, i understand that you were depressed, i
have and i am sure many others here have thought about doing the
same thing you did, we all have diferent reasons why we are alive,
all i can say is that, i am not sure if i am still happy to be
alive, but i am happy that i still see the only person i love, and
not to mention i get to go online and talk to people like you,
thank you for that, and thank you for coming back

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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Zarathustra-

I am happy you are
alive and I don't even know you. It's funny how sometimes we want
the best for others, which is more than we want for
ourselves.

Tonight I have
therapy. I don't even know where I will begin. I'm right back where
I was before I attempted suicide, maybe a little worse off because
of some of the fall out from it. I really feel terrible about
myself and am upset to be back in the obsessive thinking that I
thought I had worked my way out of.

It bothers me that
my ex is also a part of this whole thing, that he is in my head
again. I can't get him out of my mind and I hate being there again.
It's worse now because he is dead and I have so many regrets. I
miss him but I also have a lot of anger towards him. It's
irrational, I know. But I wished that he stayed in recovery so I
never had to leave him. It's such a wasted life, so sad. He was a
completely different person when he wasn't using... and still I
clung to those good parts even when he was. I know I did the right
thing by shutting him out of my life, but I just don't FEEL like I
did. It's like anything I could have done wouldn't have felt
right.

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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What
did I post on here before I went in? I hope it wasn't some sort of
suicide note, but I have a feeling it was. Isn't that against
guidelines? I feel horrible if I did.

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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sdesigns
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ella,
I don't remember the title but it was pretty grim. what was the
date? You could probably find it by looking at posts on or near
that date.

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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sdesigns
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Please talk to me. I stopped contact with my ex and found out
he died.

That was the
title. Last post was Nov 1

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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Shaney
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"wish
it was me" - was another thread by you ella.

Glad you're back
posting - I'm hoping you can work through all of this.

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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zarathustra
miami, florida
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i
semi-understand where you are coming from, it feels like no matter
what you do nothing will be different so why bother? even when you
try your hardest you just fail harder. but i have stopped trying to
get away from that which bothers me, i am teaching myself to just
shut down the mind, and deal with it, whenever i feel angry or want
to be violent, i just try to focus on something that makes me
happy, normally i just re-read these text messages i have saved in
my phone, they all come from the same person and they tell me that
she loves me and that i am her best friend, that helps me alot to
calm down, it makes me want to stick around, so that i can make her
smile again. so i can SEE her smile again. good luck with therapy,
i have never tried it myself, i keep my depression very secretive,
i am scared of being committed against my will. we are all happy to
have you back ella, my computer screen got brighter just by seeing
your name on it 🙂

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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andii
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Hi
mzrella

sometimes I think
that these kinds of hospitals attractworkers who take advantage of
the job/pay potential. People who come in are at their mercy and
are taken advantaqge of. My Aunt was in them periodically and onece
they scheduled her for alcohol rehabilitation classes. She didn't
drink, never has. But it fit her schedule and they were able to
charge her insurance company. It was ridiculous! I'm glad you were
kept safe from yourself however.

Ella, life is
worth living. It really is. You've probably been through so much
that you could write a book. Maybe start writing things down, never
know where it could lead. I bet your life has been quite an
adventure, maybe not fantasmical with lots of fantasy, but the
reality of your life, I suspect many would relate to.

hugs
ella

andii

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi
Ella,

No need to feel
bad or apologize. Always here for you, thats what friends are
for.

Continuing to send
hugs and support.

Love ya sister,
Chelonia

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