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mzr
July 9, 2007
4:40 pm
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mzr
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Hello,
This is my first time doing this. I really need some feedback from people that might understand what I am going through.
I've been with my boyfriend for 10 yrs. It's been the most wonderful relationship I could ever ask for.
In March, after dropping home, i received a call from his sister asking if he was with me. Scared because he was drunk i went out looking for him (this has never happened before). I ended up finding him a block away in his fathers truck with a girl on his lap kissing him.
He had actually been going through some depression and anxiety since December and I never new why. The day a found him with the girl and I questioned him a found out why the depression. He confessed to me that after a night of drinking with a co worker he went to her house. While in her house she began kissing him and she took her close off. They started fooling around. My boyfriend told me that he did kiss her and that he was about to have sex with her but didn't actually penetrate her but did make contact with her vagina. He left when he realized what he was doing.
This was very hard for me to believe but after looking at his emails I noticed that they all validated his confession. He was not aware that I had his email password but I did. Anyway, we have been trying to work things out. He looks truely remorsefull and he even cries sometimes about it. I never questioned my love for him but know i don't know what i feel for him. All i do is think about what he did. It's been 2 months and my pain had not diminished.
I want to work things out with him but I don't know how to get over what he did. I cant get it out of my head and it's so hurtful and dissapointing.
I would like to know if there is any hope. Has anyone gone throught something like this and actully been able to work things out and be happy again with your partner. Please shed some light becuase I truely needed. Thank you for listening.

July 9, 2007
4:53 pm
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Antagonist
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I caught my ex-girlfriend having sex with my best friend. This was exactly last year. About a month and some weeks after the incident she got in touch with me and for some reason I ended up forgiving her and trying to work things out and got back together.

Even tho I said that I forgave her, I never truly did. At the bottom of my heart I always remembered that night and all the events that occurred. No matter how much I tried to justify her actions and try to put reason behind them I was not able to let it go. 3-4 months after trying things out again we ended up breaking up for good and I have not spoken to her since then.

I'm sorry, I know you want to hear something hopeful to give you hope, but in reality it is very hard to forgive something as cheating. The damage has already been done.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is break up and yet keep a friendship with this guy, who knows maybe some time in the future you guys might try it again. At this moment it will take a lot of will power to work this out. I personally did not have that will power.

July 9, 2007
4:55 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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first of all, ten years of dating - do you live together?

ten years is a long time to date, but if it is ok with you, then ok...just seems a long time to not move forward towards marriage.

ok...question at hand...can you work past it.

Well, I was cheated on twice.

the first time, he seemed to show remorse, but my gut said something was up...he continued to do things that made me question what he was up to....continued to be "private" in ways that showed me he could be hiding stuff...at first I stressed over it...then I let it go...and he hung himself again, and I let him go.

It may happen again, it may not. And worrying isn't going to change it.

IF he is going to do it again, it will happen...and you will know eventually again.

I am dating a wonderful man now, he DID cheat on me as well...he did show remorse and he did make me feel comfortable trusting him again, there have been NO secrets and he is very understanding and helpful at helping me get thru my insecurities. He has no secret passwords, accounts, phone calls or such...he is accountable for where he is and what he is doing.

And it's better.

Perhaps if you both want this to work, joint counseling may help you learn how to get thru this?

all I can say is that if I followed my gut, I would not have taken my first ex back...he did not make me feel "safe"...and it was a struggle to trust him again.

my current BF did all he could to make me feel safe...I can't even explain how...just that my gut said to trust him. and I did.

what does your gut say?

since he was drunk when it happened, do you fear he may do it again if drunk and in the right situation gaain?

how often does he drink?

July 9, 2007
4:58 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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antagonist made a good point.

you can say you forgive, but unless it's in your heart to actually follow thru, it will continue to bother you.

I did forgive this time...but my gut said I could.

last time I said it, but couldn't mean it....and I couldn't forget it either.

and I used it against him alot in arguments...it always seemed like we could never get back to where we were...but truth is, we weren't in a good spot to begin with anyway...so we had a LONG way to go to be healthy, even without this incident.

July 9, 2007
5:24 pm
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Risingfromtheashes mentioned something that happened to me often.

After we got back together, almost every time that we had a fight, I would bring up what happened. It was not intentionally to hurt her, sometimes it would just slip out. Sometimes she would just simply sound like a hypocrite and I had to prove to her what she is saying is wrong.

She would say how she loved me throughout the relationship and never wanted anything bad to happen to me, I never understood how she could sleep with my bestfriend and expect nothing bad happening to me.

Anyways, like risingfromtheashes mentioned, your gut feeling will tell you what needs to be done. It sounds like you are not going to have an easy time forgetting about all of it.

July 9, 2007
8:28 pm
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mzr
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I have been with him for ten years becuase we got together in high school. He has talked to me about marriage and having a family was in our plans. We were just waiting for him to finish college which is this year.
The saddest part is that he has always been the best man to me. I always felt fortunate to have him in my life. I felt like no one out there had such a good relationship as we did.
I asked him if he could be honest with me and tell me why he did it. I even said if it was becaused he no longer had love for me, if it was becuase he was bored of the relationship or becuase he was no longer attracted to me. He says time and time again that he has no idea why. That i had nothing to do with it, that i did nothing wrong that it was just something that occured and he wasn't able to control it because he was drunk and stupid.
I did ask that if that is the case then would i have to worry every time he got drunk.
He tells me that that is something i will never have to worry about. That he will never do it again. There are times were we are together and he looks into my eyes and he begins to cry because he feels so horrible of what he did. I know and every one who knows him saw that he actually had depression. We all including his parents and friends ended up finding out why until i caught him.Durring that time he didn't even touch me or kissed me becuase he said he just felt so guilty. That just as a prcaution he even to an HIV test and std test to make sure i would be fine. He didn't want to tell me this but I eventually found out through his emails. That showed me how guilty he felt and i actually am greatful he tested him self and thought about me. That showed me his feelings for me in a way. I did see him remorsfull. Yes, he cheated in my eyes but sometimes i just tell my self, his human and when he had the chance to leave he left without having actually had sex with her. This co worker knew that I existed, she knew he had a girlfriend yet she had no care. Not blaming it all on her but she had her part in this too.
I am just to afraid that I will not get that loving feeling i had for him again. There are days that I see how much I love him, but there are days like today were i don't know if I want to stay with him or not because i want to feel that care and love for him. I just want to know if this is normal if any of you have felt like this where your emotions are playing tricks on you. I mean some days are better and suddently your feeling as the day you found out about the cheating and it hurts terribly. It seems like the more time passes the worst it gets sometimes. I mean this if fairly new to my life. It just happened 2 months ago and it makes me feel so bad because this has been the only man i have ever been with.What kills me is that if got so sick and felt so guilty about what he did. why did I end up catching him with a different girl in the truck. I just cant understand.

July 9, 2007
8:51 pm
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Hi MZR,

I was wondering the same thing. If he was so guilty about the first sexual encounter, then why did he get involved in another one? And I am sorry, I still consider it a sexual encounter even though there was not actual penetration.

I'm sorry - this was a question I had since I read your first posting.

Sad

July 10, 2007
10:43 am
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risingfromtheashes
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mzr -

if he truly had that much remorse, why a second time?

yes, his lesson was OBVIOUSLY not learned.

he asked you to trust him again, assured you he learned his lesson - apparently he did not.

If I was in your shoes, I could not/would not trust him again. I couldn't.

My ex - did it once, I took him back, we did counseling....he did it again, I didn't hesitate to end it.

He DID show remorse...he DID worry about your sexual health. I was REALLY rooting for him up until that point...but to say he did it again with another woman...sorry charlie...out you go in my book.

hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me....you gonna stick around and wait for number 3????

My current BF showed the SAME remorse as your BF did...and so far, he's been true to his word. IF something happened, I would leave him in a heartbeat.

I do believe SOME cheaters can change, especially if the situation where they did it was a one time type situation, like getting drunk.

But if he commits same act more than once....it's probably something he will do again.

Protect yourself...he will make loads of promises not to lose you...after all, ten years is a LONG time together...he may have a thousand excuses why he is doing this (perhaps seeing what else is out there?).

but no matter what, cheating is wrong.

It's up to you what to do with that.

And no, if I were you, I wouldn't trust him again.

July 10, 2007
1:37 pm
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mzr
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I had a talk with him yesterday and asked him why the second girl. I found out about the first girl because i caught him with the second girl. I asked him why he allowed her to kiss him and he just dosn't know or understand why he allowed it. He started to tear up and just told me that when he looks at me he hates the fact that he has put me through this. He tells me that i have to believe that we will be o.k. that from his part he will never do it again. That that is just something i never have to worry about. He even told me that he would break up with me before he ever did that again. All he can tell me is that he has no idea why he did it and that he just feels that he felt so screwed up in the head because he was so remorsful and was afraid of the reaction i would get if i found out.
I read his emails after and he ask his brothers when would be a good time to tell me and his brothers told him not to tell me. He said he was fighting that feeling the whole time and it was driving him crazy. That is why he couldn't even touch me in any way.

Do you guys think that it is possible for someone to make a mistake in their lifes, learn from it and never do it again.

July 10, 2007
1:43 pm
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mzr
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risingfromtheashes

I would like to ask you a question? When youve been with a person for so long and have grown with them, i think you know them pretty well. You never will really know a person but you know alot about them. I think deep down he is remorseful and i think he was distaught. Anyway, my question is how long did it take you to start feeling better about your current relationship after you found out?

July 10, 2007
2:03 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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immediately.

sounds ridiculous, but I was able to put it behind me almost immediately.

now, with my ex - I could never put it behind me.

something in my gut said he couldn't be trusted.

Now, your partner did say he didn't understand why he did it....my BF did say the same...which SHOULD be a red flag, cuz if they don't understand why, then how can they make you believe they won't do it again.

But in the end, he was remorseful.

All I can say is that maybe his remorse comes from being caught and not from what he actually did?

that was the problem with my ex - he was only sorry he got caught, not that he actually cheated.

With my ex, no amount of counseling, tears, promises, etc could make me feel better...I always felt down deep that he was not sorry and that I could not trust him...call it intuition, whatever.

Just like that intuition that told you to go out and find him that night...something didn't feel right.

Bottom line is - if you can't get past this - and it keep haunting you - there isn't a good chance this will succeed.

As long as both of you keep worrying about it, stressing about it and such....it will continue to haunt you and continue to "infect" your relationship.

He feels like he has failed...so if he continues to stay depressed by this, who knows what will happen.

I can only tell you that I went thru it with my ex - and it was HORRIBLE - I never could put it behind me...and there were GOOD reasons....he really didn't make me feel good about the whole situation.

With my current BF, something made me feel like I COULD trust him.

But also know that I went into it knowing the "signs" to look out for. I felt more "educated" the second time around. So maybe that was the difference...also, my BF did things to make me feel secure, like grant me full access to his cell phone and such...and tell me where he was going and what he was doing and didn't get pissy if I showed up just to check. AFter a few times of asking alot of questions - I realized he was sincere and he wasn't yanking my chain.

My ex always got defensive and pissy, always made it about me...always pissed off that I had trust issues with him. MY BF - TOTALLY understood that he lost my trust and had to earn it back...so anytime my insecurities cropped up, he was understanding and worked thru it with me...not get pissy and make me feel worse...like it was my fault.

Now, my ex had PLENTY OF TEARS...he swore to me on his dead father's grave, he cried at the drop of a hat for me and for our therapist...he made me feel like it was ME keeping us apart with my lack of trusting him.

I had DAMN good reason to. And yet, he had the therapist convincing me to let it go and trust him blindly.

Here is what I learned from the experience....maybe this will help.

**IF** you stay with him - let it go.

***IF*** he is cheating again - you WILL KNOW - without playing detective...give a man a rope and he'll hang himself. If he is doing something wrong, you will find out in time...without spending every day, every moment worrying about it.

Just like your intuition that told you go find him....it will happen if he is cheating again....you will know.

So, if you choose to believe him and stay...let it go...and work thru it.

BUT - you may want to require him to see a counselor - to work thru his depression and guilt...and you may want to see one to work thru your own trust issues.

Once the trust is gone, it's hard to get back...you have a very long road ahead of you.

Tell me...is there any other thing that is bothering you that may make you consider leaving or put doubts into your head?

sometimes we don't get the whole story here until later on....so I will ask up front...any other concerns?

do you have open access to the same computers? does he have multiple emails? do you share emails or passwords? do you have access to his cell or cell records? do you live together? does he leave the home for other things, that don't make sense (mine used to go for coffee which is an hour trip, just to find cell service area so he can use his cell and not house phone) Does he drink often? has he dated others before you? have you dated anyone else before him? has this been the only problem that came up in the ten years?

jsut things to think about.

July 10, 2007
2:09 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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oh honey, one more similarity jumped out at me.

your guy said he would break up with you before cheating again.

my ex said the SAME thing.

and the second time he was caught, he was out with a girl, miniature golfing...he hadn't had sex with her, so to him it wasn't cheating.

he had planned on leaving me...just wanted to find a girl first.

so yeah, define cheating...if he thinks talking to a girl online and on his cell and taking her miniature golfing is JUST being friends and not cheating (and not telling you where he is and telling you he can't come home cuz he's feeling ill and staying at his folks)...then he may be prone to cheating and making excuses.

Also, you said he gets teary and hates when he looks in your eyes he feels bad...my ex did too...but what it was was I was a reminder that he did cheat...and he was ashamed of himself..yes, but not enough to not do it again....he couldn't look at me cuz he knew I caught him...he knew I knew...he knew I was not forgiving him easily. He knew I was not "getting over it". So, looking at me was a reminder of how much work he still had to do to earn my trust...and he HATED that.

July 10, 2007
5:24 pm
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mzr
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He lives at home because i would rather get married first. He has ask me if I would like to move in with him but I chose not too. He lives at home. His parents own a duplex so he has his own space. The reason why I am so devistated i guess is because he has always treated me with respect, love, warms. I always felt very lucky to have had him in my life. I felt like there was no one out there that had a boyfriend like i did or a relationship like i did. I was very grateful to have him in my life. You know, I always had his email password but never, ever, snooped because i never felt the need to. When i caught him i also asked my self. If i caught him kissing with one girl why would he decide to tell me about the otherone if I had no Idea. That is something that told me that he felt guil and thats why he told me because if he didn't i would have never known. All the changes in our relationship started after december 20th which is were he started having symptoms of his so anxiety or depression. That were even i out of no where i had a dream that he was cheating. I even asked him and he just looked at me surprised and notted, no. I think i shoked him with that one but i still had no idea. I know we sould never trust anyone 100% because we are human and people due make mistakes but this was a real surprise not just for me but for his siblings, family our (friend even the males)and his parents. He whent so far as to apologize to my causin who is very close to us. When i did find i got all the passwords my self. checked all the phone and email and then asked him for them to see if he would lie or delete stuff but he gave them to me and then answered all my question. He had also never done anything that seem shady to me. I mean he visited me at home every day almost and he only lives 4 block away. His mother also called me every time she didn't know where he was at so that had me at ease and that is why he got caught because it was odd. I will tell you he was really drunk cause i took his car that night. not that it is an excuse but you know him all messed up from the head and drunk and his mother told me that girl would always pass by the house for one week and ask for him. She even saw her son hide from her cause she would bug her. I don't know if because of his fears, remorse and guilt he wasn't thinking straight. This I do know i will never allow him to do that to me one more time. I not that person either. And i did have one boy friend before but he was my first for everything and he had 2 girl friends before me. Though he have been together sice we were 16. I also know i was his first because trust me I know.
I would like to thank you for your input because it has been of great help to me.

July 11, 2007
9:09 am
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risingfromtheashes
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you said "I even asked him and he just looked at me surprised and notted, no. I think i shoked him with that one but i still had no idea."

both of mine said the same thing - both of them looked astonished that I would think such a thing.

When I found out my ex was cheating the first time - a girl had sent me an IM - I knew who she was, as I knew she was on his IM, his email list, etc.

She wanted to know if he was living with me and told me she had been seeing him and he told her we had broken up. She gave me concrete proof (pics) of them together.

So, he came downstairs and I asked him if she was with him that night and he DENIED it...I told him she sent me pics and he STILL denied it, said she was making it up, faking it, and out to get him.

I drove him to the nearest shopping mall and left him there for his mom to come get him (he had no car)...and all the time, he kept denying it and saying she was lying.

I am just giving you worst case scenario here.

If you truly want to stay with him - I wish you well - I know I stayed with my BF the second time, tho common sense said I shouldn't.

I am glad I did.

Just know that you TRULY have to work thru this and get past it, and really GET PAST IT...cuz if it is something that eats you alive, then it will continue to deteriorate your relationship.

He also should get counseling to help with the guilt and figure out "why" he did this...so it won't happen again.

I wish you the best.

July 11, 2007
3:29 pm
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mzr,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope it works out the way you want it to and is meant to.

You mentioned checking his e-mail and him not knowing you had his passwords. Was there something that gave you the instinct to snoop? And those e-mails you found who was he corresponding with?

Does he still work with that co-worker and if so, how do you feel about him and her working together all day?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 12, 2007
4:43 pm
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mzr
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I never snooped. Ever. But after a found out what he did I could not believe a word he said. Though in our ten year history he was never know to be a lier to me nor frieds. So, he gave me this story that he was drunk and they went to her house to sober up. He said they were watching a movie when she started kissing him and she took her cloths off. He sad that he did kiss her and he was about to have intercourse when he realized what he was doing he pulled his pants up and got out of there.
To me that was very hard to believe. He even told me he made contact with her vigina but never went in.
To me it made no sence to tell me that i almost went in but not all thye way. yeah right.
So i decided to look through his emails.
I found that he had written to our priest, a counselor and std senter.
In all emails he was talking about what he did and how guilty he felt. He was loosing his head and that is why he went through a depression for 5 month. But the one that made me start believing what he told me was the std web site. He has always been some what of a hypocondriac so he wrote to them what was the possability that he may get an std or hiv. They ask him to give them specific directions on what he did with her and he wrote the same thing he told me he even mentioned that he had a girlfriend whom he loved very much and wanted to put me in no danger. I also was email written to his brother asking him if he should tell me what happened and what not. His brother ask him why he did what he did and what exactly he did and the story was the same. He always said that he didn't know why he did it and that really scares me for some reason.

July 12, 2007
4:53 pm
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By the way yes he still works with her. She is a teacher who he met when they asked him to translate for her. After the event I found out that he asked the coordinator to never put him with her again. They obliged and when saw the phone records i also noticed that she was that one who called him. I noticed her number was no longer in the detailed list.
He did tell me that he told her that he had made a mistake and no longer wanted to speak to her because they had nothing to speak about.
He has told me that she has made several attempts through the children to send him written messages and she calls him in the play ground but he has payed no attention to her. My cousing is a teacher at that school and she has told me that this is so.

July 12, 2007
5:21 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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now, this ALL sounds like he is sincere about it and how bad he felt about it.

what worries me is that he just did it again, with another woman.

the only answers may be found in counseling...cuz he may keep "finding" himself in these compromising situations with women who are "pushy" and get himself into trouble.

he is an adult, he needs to show self control.

good luck with the counseling.

July 16, 2007
4:45 pm
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I would like to say that last week was the worst week of my life. The hurt a cheating partner can cause it unreal. Any way, thank you all for your help and support. Today i am starting to see things a little more clearly and having some hope about the future. May you all be well.

July 17, 2007
9:47 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I have been there....I KNOW how painful it can be.

I am glad the clouds are lifting..and wish you the best.

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