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My wife is smoking pot again!
July 13, 2005
6:19 pm
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Tron
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Not sure where to start. Been married 12 years, with a 2 year old daughter. Am also very phobic of illicit and so-called "recreational" drug use. When my wife and I were courting in 1993 I flipped out when I learned she had been a frequent drug and marijuana user in her 20's, though she had stopped by the time I met her. Knowing it would kill me to have to deal with a drug user as a spouse, I made her promise to never do it again, which she did.

And then she forgot all about it as she proceeded to smoke marijuana behind my back during several periods. The last was in 2002 when she revealed she'd been smoking for months, almost every night, after I'd gone to bed (I work days) and she was up most of the night; she used to work graveyards before losing her job at that time. Again, I freaked out. Again, she said she had stopped and did not intend to start again. It took me months to get over that and we fought a lot and had a lot of arguments.

Now, I find out she's smoking AGAIN! Like before, at night after I've gone to bed and our daughter is asleep and we'd not be the wiser had my wife not told me she hated keeping it secret.

I flipped out like always, then stopped myself and said, "Why am I doing this? This is not working!" I essentially gave up. In the midst of making more demands and venting more anger at my wife, I just said fine, smoke all the pot you want, I can't fix your problems and as much as it feels like it's going to destroy me that you're doing drugs, I obviously can't stop you from getting high.

Now, I must admit my wife is not an irresponsible pot smoker. She doesn't do it in front of our daughter and is never high when either my daughter or I are around. She claims she uses it to cope with her own emotional pain and issues surrounding obesity and stuff with her dead father. Which I think is true.

For the first time in our marriage I am trying to not be judgmental and controlling where her love of pot and her smoking is concerned, but I feel like I am going crazy all the same. It makes my skin crawl knowing that an illegal substance is in our house and every time I go to bed I wonder if tonight she will get high, and the whole concept just makes me feel ill.

Am I crazy? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just let this go and be happy??

July 14, 2005
9:35 am
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CAMER
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hi Tron, well this bothers you and you have every right to be upset, she promised you she would not smoke when you were married, and did so behind your back, and yes, she admitted it...but now, you either have to decide if her and the pot are more important than your marriage.

Have you tried to sit her down and talk with her, maybe she is "addicted" to the pot, who knows, and maybe she can stop if she truely wants to.

For this to bother you IS ok, for her to keep smoking it, knowing it bothers you is not.

I would have a face to face talk with her and find out if she can quit the habit.

good luck!

July 15, 2005
4:56 am
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lah
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Tron

It's about your boundaries! Smoking pot & having pot & the implements on your premises is illegal,do you accept the consequences of that in your life? What are your values or what is your moral stance on that?
Life & relationships I'm learning is as much about discipline as anything else. None of us has any right to impose our judgements on another but we have every right to creating our own boundaries & asking that they be understood & respected by others.
Your wife has every right to choose to smoke pot but if you have boudaries around the legal implications it imposes on you if she smokes pot at home or the implications smoking pot long term may have on your child when it is old enough to understand & you are trying to teach it right from wrong your wife is then free to choose if she will respect your boundries or not & you will then be free to make your choice accordingly.
I come from an 11 yr relationship with an alcoholic,pot smoking partner. The relationship is now over but I am now learning about co-dependency, boundaries,choices, values & most of all love of self. Healthy loving relationships are when partners identify their own boundaries which are respected by their partners. To accept less than this from a partner is an indication of our lack of love of ourself & our values. So I am not speaking from a background of someone who practices this but now I am learning I wish I had understood it all 11 yrs ago. Healthy boundaries are not about controlling another they are necessary for true love & respect in a relationship.

July 15, 2005
9:12 am
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kc30
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Hi Tron
Personally, I am pretty liberal in the whole "pot" arena, and don't see much harm in occasional, responsible use, much in the same manner as a glass of wine after a long day.

However, all things in moderation...and it doesn't sound as though your wife is using moderately or responsibly. She is using it to numb her emotions and escape reality so that she doesnt' have to deal with it. Pot may not be physically addictive like other drugs...but addictions aren't always physical (like a love addiction)

I don't blame you for being concerned. Plus, you do not agree with drug use, so there is the issue of your own boundaries as well.

I think the best you can do is to be calm, clear and direct about how you feel about this situation, how it affects you and your marriage. Yelling and getting emotional probably won't help...I suspect she told you because that's what she's looking for...she feels guilt and feels what she's doing is wrong, but won't take responsibility for it. Instead, she leaves it to you to "berate" her for her behaviour, which may alleviate the guilt and pressure she feels without her ever having to look deeper at her behaviour. And over time, she will start to focus on you, and resent you for it...it's the addictive cycle at work....much like in an alcholic home (you get so crazy- I need to drink just to cope with you!!)

I guess for me...it isn't the occasional joint that would concern me...it's what it is used for...to numb feelings. Just like drinking-not every person who has a few drinks is an alcholic...but when you start using it to escape, that's when it's dangerous.

kc

July 15, 2005
11:12 am
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glittered when he walked
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KC,

As usual, my sentiments would echo yours. so I'll post "what she said." : )

July 16, 2005
11:56 am
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dgroovy1
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Get rid of it, get rid of it now. Speaking as a pot smoker, get rid of it. When I met my husband I did not smoke and he did, I have always been a pretty liberal thinker so I didn't say much about it, he was always very responsible about it and doesnt drink or do any other drugs. Now, 10 years later, he got me to start smoking with him (i longed for time together) and now I smoke almost as much as him (too dim the hurt of a facade of a marriage). Have you guys tried counseling?

July 17, 2005
1:24 am
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jackson5alive
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Al Anon saves people's lives when it comes to dealing with the effects of addiction/alcoholism in others. I grew up with an alcoholic/addicted father and a codep mom. I have followed in their footsteps and have chosen both routes in dealing with the world and relationships, and there are a lot of patterns that emerge from it. Right now, I am dating a man who is an abstinent drinker (on a dry drunk, in other words), and I find the pain that can come from that relationship unbearable without Al Anon and therapy, therapy, therapy. Those meetings are helping me to learn a WHOLE LOT about me, how I react in the relationship, how not to let other people's addictions control my life and emotional landscape, and some other things. I am very new in that group, but I belong to another 12 Step group that helps me to deal with my own chemical addictions. I have seen it work wonders for me and for several others that I have gotten close to, and I can start to learn how to establish boundaries, how not to accept abuse (and deceit IS abuse)or to settle for less in my relationships. Just an idea.

July 18, 2005
3:26 am
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littlebutterfly
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I grew up with an alcoholic father and codependent mother as well. I would NEVER for a second allow anyone to have drugs in my house. However, I cannot judge you too hard. I tolerated my husband punching me in the face repeatedly and still cannot bring myself to file a police report. I guess I fear being abandoned (by an emotionally detached man who tell s my daughter to her face to “remember Mommy is being a controlling bitch.”) I wonder everyday what is wrong with me. But he is not in my house now so that is a huge step for me.

I hope my counselor will help me get to a point where I value myself and my two kids enough to protect us all. For drugs though. Very scary. But it is concrete, you can have the police carry her off. You can even cal them and ask them for advice. They will do everything they can to help you. Of course you would get custody until she completed a drug rehab program. It may save her life (and your marriage). Loving her might mean getting her arrested. The idea that her pusher or someone else who knows what she is doing ends up at your door, or that your daughter walks in on hr (she absolutely will as she moves toward 3-4 years old) is far too scary. There is no such thing as a good addict parent (despite what addicts will tell themselves and others).

The whole thing about a “responsible addict” is a joke. After all, she is so responsible that she hid it for you for months and broke her vow to you. You've only begun to hear the lies. I would ask myself what I would do if is were another man instead of a drug. But I’ve been putting up with lies and half truths for 18 years so maybe I am not a credible source of advice. I just have found that it never gets any better, my self-esteem just kept getting lower and lower.

Anyway, I encourage you to get into counseling. You sound as codependent as I do. Just remember, it is about baby steps. Healing of a spirit takes just as much time as healing of the body. Giving up control is a huge first step. Now you have t start focusing on protecting yourself and your child.

By the way, I had a terrible, neglectful and abusive “childhood.” Lived in constant fear and isolation. I grew up being blamed and have had 18 years of marriage being blamed for things that were not my fault. My father died when I was 13 (thank God). I am overweight. Yet, I have never, EVER smoked pot. So don’t buy the lie. You deserve a healthy wife and your dear daughter deserves a sober mom.

May 24, 2007
2:26 am
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fred888
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Drugs do not cure emotional pain. They cover it. They help you avoid facing your pain and your problems. The longer you avoid your problems the harder it becomes to deal with them and eventually they do need to be dealt with and overcome,(unless you want to die as a drug addict with unresolved issues.) so what is the point in delaying it and making it harder on your self and all those who love you. It sounds to me like your wife needs to go to counseling. It is dangerous to justify drug taking it is something that all drug addicts do, they have to in order to deceive themselves if they didn't they would stop taking drugs. If they can get other people to believe their justifications then all the better for them they have an even stronger case for their self deciept. You could offer your wife support by offering to go with her to counseling.

May 24, 2007
2:54 am
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fantas
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You absolutely have no control over what your wife does so it's great that you have stopped trying to control that aspect of her. However, since she is using pot to cope, there is no telling what else she is going to start doing or how much of it she will continue to take as time passes. I wouldn't believe her when she says that she only does it at night. Addicts are always lying about their actual drug consumption. You responsibility is to your child first. Remember that anything could happen to her while your wife is high. I agree that you should offer your wife support by way of encouraging her to seek drug counselling, to attend meetings, and to enter a twelve step program so she can deal with her issue. If she is not willing to do this, then I'd say, love her from a distance...for yours and your child's sake. Also consider attending naranon. Hang in there, keep writing...

May 24, 2007
8:58 am
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sandfiddler
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I was a pot smoker for a very, very long time (14-44) and I can tell you it does make your wife feel better and be able to bear what may come, however, the high is only temporarily, it's very expensive and illegal. Smoking pot may bring her euphoric feelings but there are legal things your wife can be prescribed that will make her feel better. Self-medication is the worst prescription anyone can do to themselves.

I am sure your wife has hidden shame that goes way deep. However, the only way it can surface is quit smoking pot and face the harsh reality of the emotional pain. Going to a psychiatrist would be a start - and to tell the Dr. of her addiction and emotional pain. The Dr. can prescribe her meds, which is a good thing. Facing the emotional hurt empties the shame from the soul.

I struggle each day with things that come but I know I no longer hide and do shameful things. I feel whole again. I have two wonderful daughters that keep me in check. Although they do not know of my prior drug habit, I suspect at one time they wondered why I was going into my attic all the time and then coming down smelling like smoke. I also had to keep smoking cigarettes to pass off the pot smell. I no longer smoke cigarettes either. Addiction is a very hard thing to kill - I no longer have a desire to smoke pot, however there are many days I wish I had a cigarette - but one thing usually leads to another and it's best to leave all the addictive things in our world alone.

I do hope your wife attends counseling. Allow her to go air her emotional pain whatever it may be, then go with her to understand what it is she has kept in her soul. Be opened minded and supportive of her through her struggle to come emotionally clean. In the end she'll thank you and appreciate that you gave her space and support. Best of luck to your family.

I quit because I ask myself why was I smoking pot? During the day I am an upstanding person by night at home, I was lying to myself

May 24, 2007
11:07 am
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I think people use because they are afraid to be who they are.

I was in the EXACT same situation when I discovered that my husband, whom I had gone through a 12 step subtance abuse program with for 5 years, was also smoking pot. I was shocked, hurt, felt betrayed, po'ed, and felt it must have been my fault for years. I know that feeling. Like everything is going to change for the worst and what are you gonna do!?!? I never would have married him if I knew he still used.

I am still with him, but I left him once and am trying again because, of course, I love him. NOW-- if I want to be with him, I have to learn to accept him for who he is and not get involved in his using. He doesn't use all the time and its pot and alcohol, which I can accept, but draw the line at.

It still hurts me to see him that way when at one time he was so healthy and on the right track. But, maybe he'll find that path again one day and if not, and I need to leave, next time I will be strong enough to do it right.

Hang in there. I empathize with you completely. It hurts, I know.

Pom 34

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