Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
MY TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
October 27, 2006
7:56 am
Avatar
santino
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok check this out, my ex and I are days away from living states apart. As of now it has a bitter ending. Shes talking to her ex,(I think) I got hurt, I gave her the watch she bought for my birthday, with the intentions of hurting her (childish, I know) I couldn't help it, she hurt me, so I wanted to hit back, it worked. She leaves next tuesday. My therapist and my friend tell me I should write her a letter to tell her my actions were becuase of the hurt I was feeling at the time. If I write her I am going to expect a response. I know I'm not gonna get one and If I don't get one It's gonna hurt me more. I'm at a crossroads with not much time to decide.

A- I write the letter, apologize for my actions and hope for her to respond to iron out the issues we have.

B- I don't write it, and just live with the fact that I not only lost my once love, but I lost her respect.

What do you all think?

October 27, 2006
8:05 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

SANTINO...what actions??? that you gave her back the watch she gave you for your b'day??

October 27, 2006
8:14 am
Avatar
santino
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

camer, yes. At the time I did it cause I was hurt and I wanted to hurt her back. But now, I'm feeling a little immature about it. If that makes any sense.

October 27, 2006
8:19 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well, you did it at the time that it happened and I think we all do things on the spur of the moment and then regret it thereafter.....

Now Santino, what do YOU want to do??? write the letter??? or not???

hmmmm, tough choice, I think you have to decide what you want to do,
heck, me and 10 other people may say
"write the letter" and then 6 others may say "don't write the letter"....either way, the choice is yours, and how you feel. I know either choice you make won't make up for the pain and hurt you feel inside.

Either choice is tough, cuz you may not get a reaction from either one.

You could always just call her on the phone and tell her, and just wish you a good life, etc.

I think no way will be easy, yes time is running out and do what you think is the best.

((((wishing you lotsa support)))
camer

October 27, 2006
8:34 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Why are repeatedly trying to subject yourself to this drama? Why do you want to continue to relieve this loss over and over? Why do you feel a need to care what she thinks of you? She is a very smart girl, I am sure she is aware that you are angry and acting out of the fact that you still have feelings for her. She knows! Why put yourself in a position to grovel once again to prove what a good guy you are. She was not a perfect person in this relationship and you are continuing to put her on a pedestal even as she leaves the state for good. Are you trying to leave the door open just in case she comes back and you want it open or are you truly sorry? If you send this letter of apology, I am betting a few days or into weeks you will be back where you still feel angry. Apologizing to her for feeling angry which you deserve and it is OK to feel angry because you are dealing with a major loss in your life, apologizing isn't going to change a thing. I really do not tihnk you are truly sorry, you are just feeling a lot of emotions right now because she is leaving and the fact that you have no control over this, is causing you a lot of emotional pain. Just let her go, and deal with your emotions. This is a temporary things to feel this distraught. It will indeed pass. Writing is not going to change this situation at all, in fact, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment. I say go ahead write the letter but don't send it. Then come back to it in several months. Guaranteee you will feel very differently about apologizing for being angry which SHE is the reason you are angry in the first place. I don't think you are quite done being angry but you have to deal with it yourself. Have strength, don't send. My opinion anyway. Reason how I know, I did the same thing with my ex recently because our paths crossed. I made a peace pact, said sorry and all that. A few weeks later, I'm still pissed off at that relationship, still angry, and still not sorry at all. All I did is leave him to think I was sorry. Don't say sorry unless you mean it 100%. Don't say it just because she is leaving for good. Be willing to let this go, let it go. Having absolutely no contact with people that abandoned us is really the only way to concentrate on our own recovery. And simply you are reacting to your emotions right now, because she is leaving and it hurts like the devil. But this is good news because it is necessary to feel them. Just keep giving into the hurt and you will find your way out of them, and keep assuring yourself that you will get past these intense feelings. You can always say sorry much later down the road. I say somehow the paths will cross again at some point but much much later and then you will have chance. Just deal with your own emotions. She is not going to be there to pick up any pieces for you. She never really was. And it hurts. But you now have a chance to have another life ahead of you, one that will not include someone to hurt you because she did not choose you.

October 27, 2006
8:48 am
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with what taj just wrote... I think that by contacting her once again it will only subject you to rejection over and over...

In a month I have learned that, for me, NO CONTACT is what is best..

sure we all do things on a spur of the moment.. Yesterday was an example of that .. after 5 days of NO CONTACT he sent a text message to me.. I responded to not what I was doing or feeling . but i wrote about the fact that he omitted his signature (which is a nickname) and that if he text others that they won't know his nickname... -- my co-dependency issue..
so then he sent a text message back that he already had to defend himself..and that he would put the signature back for me.. so then i sent another saying that he was right.. does not matter...

did not hear from him last night although the original text that he sent said that he misses me and that he would talk to me later....

NO CONTACT is best

October 27, 2006
10:34 am
Avatar
cyndra820
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think I'm going to start calling Taj the Wise One.

I have a question, what purpose would writing the letter serve? Ask your therapist that.

Exactly what are you sorry for? Are you sorry for being angry and giving back the watch in a fit of anger? I think you need to figure that out first.

I don't think you should write the letter until you know what you are sorry for. I think if you want to write the letter do so, but like Taj said, don't send it. Put it in a place where you can't see it every day and read it in a few months and see if you feel the same way.

You are emotional and we do some very interesting, and occasionally stupid things when our emotions are going. Wait until you calm down, then write the letter if you want to. If the urge passes, don't worry about it. Let it go.

I think letting it go is going to do you much better than writing a letter, sending it to her, waiting for a response you suspect isn't coming but hoping it will, not receiving a response, and getting angry all over again.

Love,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
11:03 am
Avatar
lovetocrochet
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I see no benefit for writing a letter.

I think giving back the watch was the right thing to do in the end. She became your ex, things ended badly, and didn't you say you wanted no reminders of her anymore, for yourself? So what's wrong with that?

OK, so maybe you had "feelings" of wanting to hurt her after what she did. It's natural... might not be right, though I can't judge, but it is human.

On the other hand, does it mean you HAVE to write her a letter? I mean, what good would that do at THIS point? I think taj is right, it would probably be counterproductive towards moving forward.

I also wonder why you're so worried about losing her respect when she's the one who dumped you for an ex you dragged yourself through the mud to help her get away from, hmmm?

Just a suggestion here... in 12-step programs they know sometimes a direct amends may not be best because it may hurt you or the other person further. Instead they suggest a "living amends" where basically you acknowledge what's going on, your part in it, and then resolve not to do it again. Or you can "pay it forward" by performing an act of kindness for someone else, and then do that in honor of the person you harmed. Maybe you could try something like this instead so you can clear your conscience but not have to expose yourself to your ex's toxicity?

October 27, 2006
11:27 am
Avatar
chardy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Santino, I believe that you should only write the letter if you really are sorry and that you beleive that you have something to be sorry for, doesn't sound as if you have to me?

If you want to write it as a way of keeping in touch, then don't write it! Or as Taj says 'don't send it'. You say that she won't reply, so you end up getting hurt again.

Take care
Chardy

October 27, 2006
11:48 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with Taj and I also would ask you what Cyndra asked: What is the purpose of writing the letter? What exactely are your motives, your true motives behind writing a letter? I would bet that if you reached deep down inside of yourself, you are hoping for her to make contact with you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 27, 2006
12:02 pm
Avatar
feelingfree
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with Taj and Atalose~ my gut tells me you are looking to make contact again in the hope that she does back. The biggest problem with contact (before I started NC) was that I would no sooner make contact- and the anxiety and obsession would INSTANTLY set in. Is he going to contact back?? What is he going to say? Will he be mad? Will he be happy to hear from me? Will he want to patch it up? Will this time be different? On and on and on.

Let go.. move on.. go thru all the emotions you need to.. until you reach acceptance. It's a grieving process.. and it's ok to feel everything you're feeling.. just don't ACT on them.

October 27, 2006
2:50 pm
Avatar
santino
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WOW, THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN THIS MANY RESPONSES IN A WHILE, AND I NEEDED THEM. THE ADVISE YOU ALL GAVE ME WAS SOAKED IN AND GREATLY APPRECIATED. IN A SENSE YOU ARE ALL RIGHT.

1. I WANT TO WRITE THE LETTER TO GET A RESPONSE, AND I KNOW IF I DON'T GET IT (WHICH I'M CERTAIN I WONT) I'LL BE HURTING. WRONG REASON, I KNOW.

2. I JUST WANTED TO TELL HER IN THE LETTER THAT I'M HURT FOR BEING PUT THRU ALL THIS HURT FOR SOMEONE LIKE HER ASSWHOLE EX.

IN THE END I THINK I WILL WRITE THE LETTER, READ IT OVER AND OVER, THEN STORE IT AWAY...

THANK YOU

October 28, 2006
7:07 am
Avatar
Robert123
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Maybe a new therapist is in order.

October 28, 2006
8:01 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

She knows that you are hurt. Telling her again and again does no good. What is your purpose of telling her that she hurt you? It is best to deal with your hurt on your own. Your relationship is over, been over, to keep in contact over and over, even to tell her she hurt you serves just no purpose but to rub it in. Yes she hurt you. Did she blatently hurt you though, I sincerely doubt she set out to hurt you deliberately. She did not choose you and that is what hurts. You cannot go to her anymore to relieve your hurt. You must deal with it on your own, confide in others. The best thing you can do now is to commit to yourself, and then later down the road, you will find love again.

October 28, 2006
11:07 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

good idea Santino.....write the letter, with all the feelings...but don't give it to her, keep it for yourself.

October 29, 2006
7:50 am
Avatar
santino
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Taj64: I am so greatful for your words of wisdom. I have benn reading the last thread you left me over and over again. It makes so much sense. She really never went out of her way to hurt me. I'm thinking about the last 3 months and she has never came out and said anything mean or anything at all for that matter. She made her dicision and stuck 2 it. I know it was hard for her 2. A few days back her sister tells me if we have been getting these crank calls lately and I say yes, she tells me it's her, she just wants to hear my voice she tells me. I had a feeling it was, but never could be positive. I gues thats were the guilt sets in, she made her dicision and stuck 2 it, and me being the person I am got angry by that, and even saying mean things about her 2 her sister knowing it would get back 2 her. Giving her watch would hurt her and thats why I did it, because I felt that she hurt me for talking to her ex again. I only found out because I asked, she didn't tell me 2 rub it in or hurt me, I brought it up. And when she told me I got hurt and angry and lashed back. I know it hurt her, and now in these last few days, my behavior these last few months is really starting to make me feel bad.

October 29, 2006
8:10 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It really is all part of the process. We don't always act or do, or think at all how we would normally behave and to what to others would appear "crazy". Don't feel shame in it. Accept yourself for who you are, that you feel angry, hurt, etc and know this isn't going to last forever. You will have these memories, good and bad, and hold them. The relief part would be to feel relieved because the decision is final, that you can now let these angry, disappointed, hurt feeling finally start to fade. It won't be easy but you will have something ahead of you. You're still young, successful, have greats kids, and once you get past this relationship, you will be ready for another one, one that won't be too chaotic. and one will she will accept you as you are with open arms and that includes her family as well. Take this lesson in all this to look carefully around her family becuase if you end up marrying someone you really do marry into the family. I really feel you will come out of this. There is a book out there about the loss of love, "How to Survive the Loss of Love" by Melba Colgrove, Harold Bloomfield, and Peter McWilliams". I read this quite awhile ago. You should read that one, it would help you a lot with everything you are going through. I believe I found this at the library if you don't want to buy it.

October 29, 2006
12:19 pm
Avatar
santino
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanx Taj64 🙂 You always make me feel good. 🙂

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
44
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111163
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen, eyeconcepts, junwork52
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information