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my thought....
January 25, 2005
11:38 am
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sixfootblonde
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I am seeing a pattern this morning in some posts. It seems the hurt and wronged party, takes responsibility upon their shoulders for the shitty things that have been done to them. "why didn't I..." or "if I had done this ..."

No people! Whatever happened to you was NOT your fault, you didn't do anything to deserve it, the person who hurt you has issues that have nothing to do with you. You just happened to be the one who got crapped on this time. They have and will do it again, to other people. The more time you spend stressing all this, the more of your life you are giving them. Chalk it up to better luck next time, realize the person is a shithead, and leave them to their miserable lives. There is someone out there who will love you. Go find him/her. Every day you give the jerk from your past, is a day you are wasting from your future.

You know? Sometimes there won't be a reason, you will never understand, and IT'S OK. Think about it, they do stupid crap to you ... what makes you think they have a nice logical reason tied all up with a bow? They've not been logical and nice up til now, so why would this be any different?

I am not being mean. I just am tired of reading nice people wasting their lives (lives which are too limited, all too often) trying to figure out these reasons that just aren't there.

You are all too good for these people. You are funny, you are nice, you have beautiful souls. I know, I read your words. How even when you hurt, you find the compassion to reach out to others on here. Look at yourselves and see what others see, a shining beautiful person. You are worth someone who will love you.

Believe that. I do. I see it.

January 25, 2005
11:40 am
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on my way
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Great advice!!

January 25, 2005
11:42 am
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Anonymous
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Yeah you are right Six, I mean honestly it would be like trying to figure out a freak's mind. I guess today is just my down day for some reason. But this did help thanks.

January 25, 2005
11:44 am
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art angel
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well said, SFB! Thanks for this! It brightened my day.

art angel

January 25, 2005
2:24 pm
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tracylyn
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(((((sfb))))))

Good to see you girl. I gotta tell ya, I was reading thru these posts today and thinking the EXACT same thing. I was trying to figure out how to address everyone with a good title and hope they would read it....you beat me to it.

Everyone else - I soooo agree here. So many threads are about trying to figure out how or why someone could hurt us soooo badly and not care. WE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND!! We won't because we are not like them. Some enjoy it, thrive on it. As codependents, we enjoy the drama too and keep going back for more.

We spend too much energy focusing on the how and why. That energy should be used to focus on you. When you say you need to "walk away"....change that to "I'm going to walk towards"...towards your own self, towards recovery, towards feeling worthy, towards love, towards true happiness.

No one can hurt you unless you pick up that phone or answer that door and talk to them. Regain your power by taking care of you.

I talk based on experience....I found this site a few years ago when I hit bottom. I left my emotionally and verbally narcassistic husband. I was treated for severe depression and anxiety and I had ZERO self esteem or self worth. He had broken me down so far......but I got up. I made a decision that his words or actions would never hurt me again. I made a choice, and I choose me.

We have 3 children so we had to remain in contact. He tried to say I was an unfit mother, he tried to take my kids, he said he was going to ruin my life and no one would ever want me again. I'd be nothing without him.

Well I'm here to tell you....that I ended up with full custody, I have an amazing job, great friends and a happy healthy relationship with someone who never judges me or says a harmful word to myself or anyone.

I talk with my ex several times a week, occasionally he tries to manipulate and control me...but his words are laughable now....a meger attempt to control me again. It's so clear now.

You will get thru this. The key is to stay positive. There are no set backs...each step back in another part of the lesson. Each step forward it getting you closer to YOU.

Until you realize that you are whole without someone else you'll still feel like you "need" them. I might be wrong here....but I say that I NEED no one...I choose to be with someone.

No one else defines who we are...WE DO!

t

January 25, 2005
7:57 pm
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shyshy
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Sixfootblonde: You almost made me cry because you are sooo right!! I have been sitting around for the last couple of days wondering what I did to deserve such shitty treatment from my STBX boyfriend and what I could have done to avoid it. I could not understand for the life of me why he even complains as I feel he has nothing to complain about. He tore me up to shreds over the phone because I don't answer the phone sometimes when he calls!! I mean, it's not like I see it's him calling and decide not to answer!! He IS a shithead and I DO deserve much better. Thank you for posting this. It came right on time for me.
P.S.
and I AM the one who always gets crapped on by him!! The people closest to him shit on him and use and abuse him but I'M the one that always gets crapped on and I'm the only one that's there for him!!!!

January 25, 2005
8:01 pm
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brendalee
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Gloria Steinem once said....."the answer is....there IS NO answer.

January 25, 2005
8:02 pm
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shyshy
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tracylyn: Thanks for your words too. I've been stressing the fact that my narcissist bf has not called me for a couple of days (punishing me for taking a stand) and wondering if I should call him. Don't think I will cause it's like you said, I will just be giving him permission to keep hurting me. I need to get up and keep walking toward true happiness!! I DESERVE IT!!!!

January 25, 2005
8:17 pm
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hopyhoo
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Sixfootblonde : YOU READ MY MIND!!!
I wanted to do the same thing! .I SOO AGREE WITH YOU!!!

January 25, 2005
8:23 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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YEEEEEEEEEHAWWW!!!! It's good to see it when people get it!!!

January 25, 2005
8:34 pm
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sewunique
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Sixfootblonde,

Guess somebody had to say it!!!! Now to accept it, believe it and to live it.

Recovery is difficult to break those patterns and to stop listening to the same old records inside of us. But I am glad to see many who have grown thru all of this stuff. After so many years in the same patterns, recovery is a slow process.

I titled a thread way back; "Is it possible?" Know I know it is possible to recovery and for a better life. And I see it here at this site. Your post is another positive example of that!

Thanks for the great encouragement!

Sew/C

January 25, 2005
10:26 pm
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msguud
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Tracylyn - thanks so much for the sentence: No one can hurt you unless you pick up that phone or answer that door and talk to them. It's been eight days for me of him not calling when we spoke on the phone twice a day before (he's on the road trucking). He's punishing me (he thinks), but really, he's not. I'm getting stronger by not talking to him and if he doesn't phone, I get stronger because I don't talk to him. I could call him, but NO DAMN WAY will I give him that power again. Wahhhhhh, I'm still hurting, tho. Thanks to all who post on here because I get something out of every one of them. I also cut and paste parts that pertain to me onto another page to keep and re-read all the time, so thanks for that!
Hugs to all on here.
Ms.P.

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