Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
My teenage girl is she codependant like me? Help
September 5, 2006
10:04 am
Avatar
coddi
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been into a trouble relationship where I gave all of me, and hopefully realize that I was getting trap in a hole with no end. After much effort I recognize my co-dependant issue and work with it and started focus on other things for me and things find their way for better. But meanwhile I was raising a daughter that probably absorbed too much of that conducts. Now she has a boyfriend, they have been in and out; the guy is out of school, smokes and it’s only sixteen. She said: “oh poor boy his mom does not pay attention to him nobody understands him” and suddenly she is like his guardian angel. Compassion is a good thing but she is not paying attention to her own things when she it’s with him, she focus only on him. She is sixteen as well; last time before they broke up she lost almost of all of her friends because she was only with him. After they broke up she recovered her friends and start doing other things meeting other people. Now they got together again, it’s like if she needs to have somebody to feel better, only to feel worse at the end, Sound familiar? I am kind of stringent with her, and she said that this time is different, that she will keep her friends, that why I hate him and that I do not care about her feelings because I don’t let her do whatever she wants. She is a good girl no drink, no smoke she is in sports, good grades, but the boy has not improve a little during all these years. I can’t raise him as well and I told her that when he proves his worthy I will not have any problem. But the thing is I recognize in her some patterns that I used to have in me, like getting stuck in unhealthy relationships and trying to save the world while hurting me, but she is too young, how can I help her without arguing with her so much. How can she learn about co-dependency and work on her self esteem? Is there a book for this matter for teenage girls? I appreciate your support.

September 5, 2006
10:55 am
Avatar
TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, your daughter does happen to be exhibiting codependent behavior. As, she tends to feel sorry for him, and wants to make all of his problems disappear for him.

She wants to "rescue" him. As in, her taking on the role of beinghis "caregiver." And, shift most, (if not all) of her focus onto him and his problem, and end up leaving very little focus, on herself.

She's trying to "fix" him. Meaning change him and his behavior. But, she is unable to do that, as she can't change anyone else, only herself.

People that tend to fall into this particular pattern of codependency, usually do it in an attempt to avoid dealing with something unpleasant within their own personal live's.

And, her attempting to "fix" him, is her "crutch". She is unconsciously trying to "fix" herself, through him. It's self destructive addiction.

And, her thoughts of her needing to have a man, within her life, in order to feel complete, and good about herself, is definitely also codependent thinking.

She doesn't "need" to have a man in her life, to "feel better" about herself. What she really needs to do, is to, change the focus from HIM, onto HERSELF!

She needs to realize that, in order for her to really and truly be able to feel better about herself and feel true self worth, is for her to work on her low self-esteem issues.

SHE is the one who has to BUILD HERSELF UP! And, not be dependent upon men to make her feel "good" and "worthy" about herself.

Is she perhaps still in denial, of her codependent behavior? Or, has she admitted it to you yet? I would suggest that, she aquire some counselling for herself, if she feels that she is unable to discontinue this type of destructive behavior on her own.

And, perhaps she can also look into joining a Codependency Support Group, if there happen to be any, within your area.

However, she has to come out of denial first, before any of that can happen. As, a person can't likely work on their personal issues, if they don't believe that they have any problems.

The best of luck to you, in dealing with this.

Sincerely,

Trying.

September 5, 2006
11:00 am
Avatar
feelingfree
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Coddi,

I can relate to what you are going thru with your daughter. I am Co-D, and am seeing some Co-D behaviors in my 16 y/o son.

I'm not sure if there are Co-D books for teens- but it would be worth a shot looking online, bookstore, or library. I would personally recommend having a heart to heart with her. I have spoken to my son about Co-D.. the behavior patterns and where they stem from. I've explained how important self-esteem is, and how you can't control another person, only yourself. I offered books and Al-anon to him, but he's not interested in either, so I didn't push (although maybe I should have?)

We can't undo what's been done- we can only work on the 'now'. I think open communication is key.

Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie is a phenomenal book to start with. Fine for teens to read.. you might want to start with that.. or even read it yourself first if you haven't.

September 5, 2006
11:11 am
Avatar
TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

PS, Her comment to you, regarding her being the only one to truly understand him, is an "excuse" so that she can enable herself to stay within that destructive relationship with him.

He also appears to need counselling as well, however...HE is the only one that can make that particular choice for himself. She can't force him to aquire counselling for himself.

She only possesses control, over her side of the relationship. (Meaning herself.)

I happen to know all of this, because, I also possess codependency issues myself. And, I had also used the same "excuses" as she had, as well. So, in a familiar way...it's almost like me looking back into the past, and seeing myself for what I was like back then.

Does she also happen to have a fear of being alone? (Meaning being single.) (That's also one of my personal issues as well, by the way.) So, I tend to understand them.

Take care.

Trying.

September 5, 2006
11:16 am
Avatar
coddi
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for your support I agreed with both; she have not admitted her behavior, she believes is my thing or idea, that she is fine, but I know for my own experience what’s going on. Since she is a teenager is normal that they are a little rebel and rather take an advice from a friend than from me. I am trying not to lose her trust in me while trying to explain things to her. She said that she is young that she has a “whole life ahead to make mistakes”, that I should start worry about me first that I am not that young. By the way I am only 36, Can you believe it? I will try to find some book over the internet and start with the book from Melody Beattie. It is very hard and sometimes I feel like ok let her make her mistakes, but come on, she will be missing so much if she does not start focusing on herself and leave that for “some other time” the least I can do is raise the awareness in her. I have seen so many girls, woman of all ages with these type of problems (including myself) that we should spread the word, I know somebody will listen and maybe by default the message get to my daughter and we can start enjoying self-confident healthy(mental) boys an girls.

September 5, 2006
11:22 am
Avatar
coddi
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, when she broke with him last time she was like feeling lost, for example when she had a party or concert she was like "oh I dont have a boy to go with" and although she has a lot of boys that want to hang with her she does not pay attention to them probably because they were "just too fine" and I realized that sometimes she missed more having a boyfriend that the boy itself. After a while she started enjoying her girlfriends but then one day she met him again and well you know.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
25
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110924
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38537
Posts: 714209
Newest Members:
delight1080, laticia1, Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer