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My Story - dealing with my hubby (and myself)
December 21, 2003
11:29 am
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I have been lurking on these boards for a few months now, and felt I was ready to join in officially. Where do I begin? Well, my hubby wants to leave me. He went throught the hypochondriac thing earlier this year, every little thing was a big issue. A lump in his throat is cancer, and obsessing about
his health, planning his funeral. He went back to the Dr. and he gave him Zoloft for the depression and anxiety. He started seeing a therapist too for depression. He quit taking the meds and refused to take them and explained that he like to feel his emotions and doesn't want to level out, and that he LIKES his mood swings. Dr. gave him Lexapro, which said should still allow him to feel emotions, but would still calm him down. He agreed to take the meds and follow up. A few days later he outright refused to take the meds, saying there is nothing wrong with him.

I also started therapy on my own since I felt like I was living with a drunk, never knowing what kind of mood he'd be in. I am stuck with all housework, bills, etc because I can't ask him for anything which is making
me feel overwhelmed. I had hubby come to one of my therapists visits. My therapist said it
boils down to "his order is his disorder". In other words, if things aren't wild, crazy and exciting all the time, then he is bored. She agreed he should take the meds to level him out so he can see what is right in front of him. She also agreed that from speaking with him and from what I have
said, he definatly has some type of anxiety problem. (The score is now 1 family doctor and 2 therapists telling him he needs meds, and hubby saying he doesn't have a problem.)

Then he dropped the bomb on me now and says he wants to leave me, that's it, get a
divorce. He has basically given up on our relationship, doesn't want any more therapy, just wants to move on, saying we've "grown apart". He has no feelings for me anymore, and that I am like a sister to him, not a lover. He has given me every excuse from "you (meaning me) deserve better than me", to calling me a control freak, and he just can't deal with that anymore. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants, when he wants to(sounds like Peter Pan to me!) I don't know if he'd be happy in ANY relationship with thinking like this! He says that _I_ need to be more supportive of him, and not tell him he has a problem. My therapist had also told me (privately) that my hubby is very mentally unstable, and unless he does get some help, it would be best for me to end the relationship. I am trying to have a healthy, stable relationship but he wants only disorder and craziness. Since now I have become more assertive, and not just going along with whatever he wants, I don't think he likes that either.

I really love my husband and I know deep down he loves me, but I guess I have done all I can. I probably need to focus on myself now. But we have known each other for 9 years, married 7 and that just doesn't seem like something to throw away. I tell him I want my old hubby back, and not this moody SOB that he has become. He says that the old hubby is still there, if only _I_ would be more supportive. I mean, I take meds, and I am not ashamed of it. If I had a heart condition and had to take medicine, I would not be ashamed. Yet he says he still wants to be friends, and even meet up for sex once and awhile after we're divorced (?)

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate any advice or direction. Or even just a hug, lord know I can't get that from him right now.

Ladyace

December 21, 2003
11:41 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Ladyace,

Welcome first of all. Second (((HUG))) - I hope that helped.

Has your husband always been like this? Or is this a recent change?

Love,

Zinnie

December 21, 2003
12:27 pm
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Hi Zinnie,
As far as the doctor stuff, no, he never went to the doctor for anything. Just this year he started with the worrying about his health. He has had mood swings in the past, as I have too. This year it has gotten worse. He yells at me, and I just can't put up with it anymore. I have learned to value myself enough to not want to live in this environment. He admitted that he treats strangers on the street better than he treats me, and he says it's because he has no feelings for me anymore. I read somewhere that if one person in a relationship gets healthy, sometimes the other person doesn't like who they have become. I wonder if this is what is happening here?

ladyace

December 21, 2003
12:41 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Lady,

Could he have a drug problem?

Z.

December 21, 2003
1:14 pm
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Ladyace

Stayed with it the whole time - first I would like to say hello - my name is Anam Cara and it is very nice to meet you - what can I add - which may help your awful confusion.

Can you think back to the time when he was a happy man and try to see any changes that may have tipped him into this other person - perhaps the loss of a parent?

I had an obsession about having a lump in my throat and kept it to myself for a long time . One day I was working in a doctors surgery - after his patients had all gone I asked him casually about a friend of mine that was scared he had cancer of the throat - what advice could he offer my friend. He turned without blinking and said "let's have a look at you lad!" He passed me A1.

He explained that we have a period of our life when we become concerned about our mortality - I was 36 at the time.

A hypochondriac has a very hard time indeed - not only a pain to himself but with everyone else. His needs are to convince others that he is seriously ill and needs attention. Clearly your husband is as you say depressed - but I wonder if this depression is because he cannot convince others of what he fears - his therapists off course knows about all the twists of the mind - but I know how it feels to have once suffered it - I would not bore you with more detail but it was extensive.

Possible your current attitude towards him maybe giving him something else to think about and therefore this interest needs to push you towards the edge - good therapy indeed when it is not happening to YOU. Ah yes!

What cured me - well I was operated on slung out of hospital - lost 3 stone - almost lost a wonderful wife whom I gave unnecessary concern. I arrived home a physical wreck of the man I once was - walked with the world ( my selfish world) on my shoulders.

Finally a close friend said why not go see his aunt who is a spiritualist healer. She sat and listened to my storey - she turned my chair around facing away from her - she went into a trance ( well I heard some deep breathing). She approached me and touched me on the shoulders - the affect was astounding - gas just poured out from my body I became limp but relaxed. (goodness knows what she thought poor dear)

I went home and decided that I was not going to die- but on reflection I think I would have chosen (selfishly) to have done so. With this true mindset I gained weight and returned to full health. ----- You are going through hell and so is he.

I hope my little storey will give you hope for the future and a full relationship is restored - but I feel you should try and distract him away from his obsession - maybe a few days away at you mothers might help?

Anam.

December 21, 2003
1:22 pm
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PS - The operation I underwent was for a suspected appendicitis - nothing was found to be infected - but I had conjured up some extreme pain. Anam

December 21, 2003
1:56 pm
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Oh dear Anam,

Are you one of those men that have sympathy morning sickness?

December 21, 2003
2:21 pm
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Anam Cara
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Zinnie - Oh yes I can bleed for the world as well as myself!
Love. Anam

December 21, 2003
2:46 pm
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Zinnie,
I have considered the possibility of drugs, but I do not think he is taking drugs (illegal, that is). As I said, he does need to be taking the mental meds. I have also thought of the possibility of him having an affair. I even went over his cell phone bill, and his friend verified that he is not having an affair. Friend has also confirmed that he has noticed the change in personality.

I also thank you, Anam, for your insight. He has not had a loss of a parent, but he did have a hard time turning when he turned into his 30's(now he's 32). He says that when I bring up the fact that he may have a problem, be it depression, mid life crisis, whatever, that was the last straw for him. I keep telling him that it is only because I love him that I am concerned for him. Perhaps it is time for me to just detach?

Also, Hubby is a workaholic and he has been under more stress this past year, which could have contributed to the mental problems. He claims is not depressed because he is happier when I am not around. I was sent out of state for business for the past 3 weeks, and this is my first weekend back home. I will also be away again for the whole month of January. (I get to come home MLK weekend, but then I leave again). Having time away has been blessing and a curse. I enjoyed my quiet time, but yet I got very lonely. I did talk him every night while I was away. All he did was work, didn't put Xmas lights up, nothing. He told me last night some people use work as an escape, so I asked what he was escaping, and he had no answer.
I just hate that he keeps putting the blame on me, if only _I_ was more supportive, etc.

December 21, 2003
6:21 pm
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Hi Lady,

The one thing screaming at me here, and I urge you strongly to talk to your Dr.'s and therapists about this...

He is not using drugs - that you know of, and he is not having an affair.

The symptoms you are describing sound suspiously like Munchausen's Syndrome; and many people do not understand that it is a mental illness not a physical one. Additonally, Munchausen's is usually a pre-cursor for Schizophrenia.

Definitely have it checked out.

Love,

Zinnie

December 21, 2003
9:05 pm
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It could be a syndrome, it could be mid life, it could be many things, but the bottom line is he stated he wants out. Many men are not as polite as your's seems to be, and unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to effect it, seems like once they make up their mind, they will chew off your foot, or their's to escape. Seems like you are pretty stable, no mention of children, working, and aware that the MD said maybe ending the relationship, along with hubby's wish to end it. Can't crawl in bed with the covers over your head. It hurts, its hard, but you can't change him

December 21, 2003
11:15 pm
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Hugs Ladyace

Thank YOU for courageously sharing your story. Glad you started posting.
Sometimes it just helps to get it out. You will find your answers, and we will be here to listen.

December 23, 2003
6:52 pm
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I re-read some previous posts from MJ, angel1, unhappy camper, and Hermione. I can really relate to a lot of these feelings. Hubby has told me that I am 30 going on 50, says I act like an old lady. I do work full time, plus had all the household duties, and sometimes I actually get tired or maybe need time for ME once and awhile. A previous post had said if you feel like you are shifting so much, you forget who you are; it’s time to stop shifting and stand your ground. I am learning to value myself enough to not tolerate being yelled at for expressing my thoughts. As hard as this is to accept, it is the truth, since hubby is unwilling to get help. Therapist has said I am very stable where as he is not stable. (see above). I have not always been, but I have worked through my demons and stablized.

Both hubby and I work full time, and have no kids yet. The “grand plan” was that we would be having kids about this time in our lives. I just turned 30, and we have been married 7 years. It is now obvious that this step scared the heck out of him. When we were first married, I did not want to have kids yet. I wanted us to travel, and enjoy each other first before having kids. I honestly did not think I was ready to have kids yet at that time, and feel I made the right decision, and as I said the plan was to have them around this time in our lives. During some of our recent arguments, he told me I would not make a good mother, that our parenting styles are too different. Says he would like to be in a relationship with kids, but just not with me. Total opposite of what he had said in previous years, plus the fact I am really good with kids.

Zinnie, I read up about the Munchasen syndrome, but that doesn’t seem to be it. Hubby still says he doesn’t have a problem, and he is not making himself sick to get attention. (I do appreciate the suggestion; I am open to all suggestions!)

Molly was right, if he has made up his mind to do something, he’ll do it! He recently bought himself a new car, just woke up one morning and decided he needed a new car (while I was away on business and couldn’t really do anything about it!). So if he has decided he wants out, he’s going to leave. I have convinced myself that it really does seem like I’d be better off without him. The ship is going down and it’s time for me to get off before it sinks!

Ladyace

December 24, 2003
12:18 am
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This is my first time to ever read anything on this site. I did not even know what codependency was until I read about a program for it in our church bulletin. My husband (which I just left about 8 weeks ago) sounds alot like yours. I have suspected drug use, which he denies,...we have seen 2 different counselors (both suggested that I leave him)...but I have not come to the point yet where I feel like I can just say "let's divorce"..my family and friends can not understand this given the way he has treated me, my two children from my first marriage and our 24 month old daughter.

He has hit me a few times which he blames totally on me..he calls me a control freak..but he has all the power and control or he loses his temper..severe mood swings, and I have always been such a happy smiling person..until we got married and our problems started right off the bat. He has had no sexual interest in me at all..but yet stayed home when I gave birth to our daughter one month early and she was in ICU and watched porno our 2nd night at the hospital..did the same thing when she was 3 months old and went back in for RSV...he's take the keys to the vehicles and left me at home with a sick baby..used up all my money to buy clothes for myself and the baby...he's cussed me out calling me a b**** and a wh***..and every single time a problem comes up, he refuses to talk and tells me to shut my **** mouth..then I follow him begging him to talk and he cusses me, then I get angry and we start shouting and it erupts into sometimes a violent situation..I need help!
How are you doing now?

December 24, 2003
11:53 am
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Hi SLR,
Welcome to the board! I have found a lot of great insight and advice on here, and I hope you do too.

Don't you just love these men who blame everything on us! THEY are the ones having the mood swings and temper tantrums, but it is OUR fault. But I guess that's part of codependency - we get stuck with all the work, don't get our needs met, and still get all the blame. Hubby and are going to be splitting up soon, and it is soooo scary, but yet I do know it is the right thing to do. It also sounds like you did the right thing by leaving yours. I read this phrase somewhere else and committed it to memory "I didn't need him for anything, but he needed me for everything" and that about sums it up, for me at least.

December 24, 2003
12:01 pm
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Hi SLR,

First and foremost, if you are married to a man who has hit you, I don't care what his reasons were... LEAVE NOW. No one deserves to be in a relationship were there is physical abuse. No one. My first husband's father was abusive to his Mother, and she died before she was 40. I never met her because she died long before we met, but in seeing pictures, it was sad, she looked to be 60 or older.

My first "love" experience was with a man who enjoyed causing pain. Long story short, the sexual part of our relationship was not love it was rape. He graduated you might say one day when he slapped me. Shocked the hell out of him I did - with a round house right. I then told him "hit me again, you will have to fight me (I have nine brothers, so I can hold my own), then deal with my brothers, my Father and my Mother might be the one to really cause him some hurt. We parted ways, but I still hear of him from time to time (our families live in the same neighborhood), and I know he has put five wives in the hospital. No one, I don't care what they have done deserves to be hit in a relationship.

Lady, after reading all of the posts on this thread, there are too many things about your husband that are unanswered, and you might never have those answers. Best case scenario - he no longer wants to be married, and as some one else mentioned, at least he is being up front with that fact. I still have a feeling there is something underlying, but that again is only an opinion. Only you can know what is best for you. But, you deserve happiness.

Love,

Zinnie

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