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My Story~ ~ ~ ~ ~Cyndra
November 1, 2006
11:00 am
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cyndra820
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I am the adult child of one alcoholic and one drug addict. To say that my mother didn't get the nurturing gene is an understatement. She felt she showed me love by taking care of my physical needs.

My biological father and step-father are real assholes. That's their good side.

My step-father asked if the adoption was over when the divorce was over. Nice guy. I haven't seen or heard from him in over twenty years.

My biological father left when I was four months old and didn't look back. Now he expects me respect him and play the dutiful daughter. Don't think so.

My mother hit me when I was eight years old. I had been given some medication to take in a pill. I have never been good at taking pills and she became frustrated and punched me in the stomach. She was drunk when this happened.

When I was sixteen I got involved with a man four years older than me. During my senior year in high school I got pregnant. I didn't want to have an abortion, but I coudn't keep the baby. My mother had said "Don't bring any bastards in my house." I had the baby and put him up for adoption.

Shortly after that I moved to England with a friend who was in the airforce. I was only going to visit for a month but wound up staying for three years.

I got engaged to a very nice Irish guy. At least I thought he was nice. I caught him in our bed with some woman he had been seeing. I left him.

I went and stayed with a friend and worked in a pub. After a few months I met a very charming Italian guy. He was nice, had plenty of money. I let him do whatever he wanted for me. Later I found out there was a price for all this. He picked out my clothes, told me what to wear whenever we went out. When I didn't do what he wanted he would hit me.

The last time I saw him he had beaten me in front of his brother and two sisters because I had chosen the wrong dress to wear to dinner. He left me on the floor and told me to clean up the mess I had made. I left him.

I came back to the US and moved back in with my mother who was still drinking. I got a job at a local hospital and kept to myself. For New Years I agreed to go out with one of my co-workers. I didn't realize his idea of a date was to take me to a hotel and rape me.

I tried prosecuting but they told me it was his word against mine and there wasn't enough physical evidence. This was the late eighties when date rape was something no prosecutor wanted to touch.

That spring I met the man who would eventually become my husband. He was so gentle and sweet. I could control him. He wouldn't hurt me. I coudl trust him.

We dated for three years and lived together for another three before we got married. I got pregnant during our first year of marriage but miscarried at ten weeks.

I became severely depressed. I tried to act as if everything were okay, but it wasn't. I hated myself. I didn't know if I'd ever have my own baby to hold.

He began to see another woman. He left me and went to live with her. About six months later he wanted to come back. I let him because I really wanted my marriage to work. I wanted it to work because I didn't want to be married more than once. I wanted to be different from my mother.

His behavior began to change. He became angry easily. He threw things. He cursed at me. He threw a chair and a coffee table at me. I put him out.

He got professional help and was diagnosed with bi-polar and major depressive disorders. He got medication. I let him come back again. He wouldn't take his medication. His behavior became more erratic. He had thoughts that I was sleeping with men and women. I put him out again. This was the final time.

I began to see a man who was not emotionally available to me. I thought that was fine because I just wanted a physical relationship. I became pregnant. He threatened to kill me if I kept the baby. I told him I didn't care.

I went into pre-term labor and my daughter died during delivery.

Almost three years ago I met my xso. My sister introduced him to me. We got to know each other over the phone because he lived in another state. After five months we began dating.

The relationship was long distance from the start. I flew down several times to see him. I was the one who always traveled. I paid for the food we ate. Whenever we went out I paid. He wasn't working because he was studying for his professional licenses. I didn't mind.

When he began working he told me he wouldn't be making a great deal of money right away. I told him I would help out. I paid for his satellite television bill and then I started paying his credit card bill. Overall I gave this man more than $6000 in a little over two years. I basically bought his love. I paid him to love me.

We had a serious fight last year in August that resulted in our not speaking for nearly six weeks. During that time his ex-girlfriend proposed to him. Not once did he tell her he was dating nor did he tell her she wasn't what he wanted.

Then he began monitoring my weight. Every day he would ask me what I ate. Had I worked out. In what way had I worked out. All this from a man who is six-one and weighs almost 400 pounds!! I told him to stop asking me that. I didn't like it. It was the only time I ever spoke my mind during the relationship.

He never showed me he loved me. In the beginning, the first four months, he would send me e-cards and text messages full of love and affection. After that very little. The last six months of the relationship nothing.

He said that my jealousy and insecurity made him stop loving me. I don't know if he ever loved me. I think he used me. I think he liked that I was supporting him and he didn't have to do anything for it.

On October 12th we broke up. He told me he didn't love me anymore after I told him I needed to heal from my codepency alone. I think he was dating his ex-girlfriend the last year and using my money to do it.

Now I get messages that I betrayed him by not telling him things that I was feeling. I hadn't told him because I wasn't aware of what I was feeling. When I became aware of it I told him.

I don't hate him. He is who he is and God will take care of that. I just am very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be used. I know I deserve better. I will heal and become whole again.

My mother did stop drinking. The day I got married was the day she took her last drink. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'll take it.

We have a very healthy relationship. We have discussed her drinking and some of the things she did when she was drinking. My memory of being punched in the stomach had been repressed until about five years ago. I asked her about it and she told me that she remembers that and she went to get counseling. They also gave her valium.

My life isn't too messed up, but sometimes I want to pick up the phone and call him. I miss the company he gave me. I think Ma Strong said it best when she said I miss the illusion of him. Who I thought he was is an illusion. An image I made up in my head.

November 1, 2006
11:14 am
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mamacinnamon
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Cyndra:

Thank you for sharing your story. Helps us to know you better.

Nice to meet you.

November 1, 2006
12:34 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Cyn,

Thinking of you sister.

Mich

November 1, 2006
12:38 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Cyndra)))

November 1, 2006
12:41 pm
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lovingmom
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Cyndra - I was really touched by your story. Glad to hear your relationship with your mom is good at this point. You are a very strong woman, I can tell.

November 1, 2006
12:47 pm
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cyndra820
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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

MamaCinnamon: Thanks for welcoming me now that we've been formally introduced! LOL Your comments have been invaluable to me.

Mich: Thank you sister!!!

(((Lolli))) right back at you!!

Loving Mom: I'm getting stronger. I wasn't strong when I needed to be, but I'm learning. The relationship with my mother took work. I'm not sure how it happened but it did and I'm very glad of that.

Love,
Cyndra

November 2, 2006
9:54 pm
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cyndra820
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I'm having one of those nights.

I've had unexplained fatigue for three weeks. I don't know what's going on.

I'm going to make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow.

I don't like being sick. I prefer being healthy.

I'm trying not to whine about this when other people have much more serious problems, but I am worried.

Oh, well

November 2, 2006
9:59 pm
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ggfred4
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welcome to the club cyndra...please let me know what the doctor says, okay, promise???

November 2, 2006
10:01 pm
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cyndra820
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GG,
Could I get away with NOT telling my sisters?! I promise to tell you all as soon as I know something.

November 2, 2006
11:40 pm
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needtoheal
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cyndra--
sorry that you are so fatigued .. and for such a long time too.. Have you called your doctor? please let all of your sisters know... we all love you

hope you are feeling better soon...
get plenty of sleep
sorry that i got back here late
and thanks for willing to be here for me as a cyber bud and sister

((Cyndra))

November 7, 2006
12:04 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi All,

Well the FIB sent me a text message asking if he could please talk to me.

I told him yes. It took him four hours to tell me the following:

* He has self-confidence issues. He is working on them and wanted me to know that.

* He started falling out of love with me in June.

* He is working on himself and his issues and doesn’t intend to date.

He asked me if I thought he was codependent and I told him that I hadn’t spent any time analyzing him. He pushed the issue and I stayed firm. He let it go.

He told me he missed me and the friendship we had. I was honest with him and told him that the relationship wasn’t healthy for me. It may be my issues that made it unhealthy, and even though I loved him, I felt the breakup was the best thing that happened.

I understand that he has his own issues to deal with, but he wants to be buddies and friends, and I am not sure if I’ll ever want it. I know I don’t want it right now. The conversation was fine, but very long. He did a lot of talking and rehashing. I listened, but wasn’t emotional about the things he said. I can’t say I was completely indifferent, but I recognized some of the things I did when my exh and I broke up.

(((Ma Strong)))
(((Mama Cinnamon)))
(((Need)))
(((LL)))
(((Mich)))
(((GG)))

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I wouldn’t have made it without you!!!

Love,
Cyndra

November 7, 2006
12:05 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi All,

Well the FIB sent me a text message asking if he could please talk to me.

I told him yes. It took him four hours to tell me the following:

* He has self-confidence issues. He is working on them and wanted me to know that.

* He started falling out of love with me in June.

* He is working on himself and his issues and doesn’t intend to date.

He asked me if I thought he was codependent and I told him that I hadn’t spent any time analyzing him. He pushed the issue and I stayed firm. He let it go.

He told me he missed me and the friendship we had. I was honest with him and told him that the relationship wasn’t healthy for me. It may be my issues that made it unhealthy, and even though I loved him, I felt the breakup was the best thing that happened.

I understand that he has his own issues to deal with, but he wants to be buddies and friends, and I am not sure if I’ll ever want it. I know I don’t want it right now. The conversation was fine, but very long. He did a lot of talking and rehashing. I listened, but wasn’t emotional about the things he said. I can’t say I was completely indifferent, but I recognized some of the things I did when my exh and I broke up.

(((Ma Strong)))
(((Mama Cinnamon)))
(((Need)))
(((LL)))
(((Mich)))
(((GG)))

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I wouldn’t have made it without you!!!

Love,
Cyndra

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