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My story - close to end the relationship with a Charmer-Abuser/toxic or
October 18, 2012
8:22 pm
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padmanchoke
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I am new here, just want to share my story with everyone, and hopefully can also get some advices back.

About me: I am married with a 8 year old, very unhappy in my marriage, having an extremely busy and stressed lifestyle

About him: recently divorced, but kids and ex live in another city; he has no apt in the city, goes back to his mother's house on weekend; very social, likes to go to all the parties and meets all the nice good girls/ladies/ regardless their ages; plays music well, has bit talent in humanity, likes to boost and promote himself quite a lot; can't hear any criticism

 

I knew him last Oct, and we didn't date...he was still in the stage of separation...he was after me for a while, but I knew from our mutual friend that he had clash on differrent girls he's met after his ex asked for divorce. We went out couple of times, and somehow I began to like him that much...then he suddenly went so cold on me, I didn't know what went wrong, got very upset on his distance. He, still, emailed me and facebooked me once a while, chatted me online... we didn't go out, but I proposed several times for the night out, he came and acted like nothing wrong.

Then, this Feb, he suddenly came back to me so strong, and began to text me and asked me out. At that point, I was about to ask for divorce from my husband. So, I was having this illusion that he came back because he saw the 'hope' to be with me. From that day on, we began to meet two or three times a week, to everyday, lunch and dinner. At the same time, I became distance from my family, best friend and other friends. He took all my time, and I just liked to be with him somehow. Once a while, he was like unrespect to me.. e,g when we went out dinner, he sometimes, ingored me and tried to talk to the girls next to us. I had never complained, because I always think I am married, I can't make myself available to him. Or sometimes, when he was with me, he often absentminded to look around... but at the same time, he also gave me tons of attention, wanted to spend all the time with me, especially coz weekend he has to go back to his mother's house, which is 2 hours by train, he would always say something like, oh, i dont get to see you for two days..

I dont even remember when this whole thing changed and he became super controlling. He decided when we meet, and what we going to do, all my suggestions were usually ignored by him; he didnt care about my time for my son, took me out for late night concerts or operas until mid-night, there were several times, i had to take the very late train back home (my home is one hour away)... but he doesnt want to have sex with me, because he said he didnt want to hurt me; on the other hand, he touched me all the time, there were so many times, i felt his erection...he kissed me all over, held hand, rub back....

Do I sound so pathetic? I refuse to have sex with my husband before i knew this guy; now, I even dont want to see my husband... (I will get divorce soon anyway.).

then, he realized that i am always there, available for him. so he began to manipulate me and my life; but he hated i went out with my friends; and talked to other guys, he got very jealous and spoke badly about the other guys, even he didn't know them. He also needed lot of attention, he likes to talk to people, and he often told me how great and popular he is, all the old women like him so much and want to be with him. Also, every time, when he did something for me, the next day he would tell me what he also did for some other women to make me jealous i guess. When we went to concert or opera, he likes to talk to musicians and singers, and left me there for 30 min..always like that.

 

I dont know who he sleeps with, he must have sleep with others to fill the sex desires. 

so when i decided to cut him out of my world, he got so mad, he sent me an email and accused i am the one did all the horrible things to him, doesnt care about his feeling, and it is my own problem i should deal with...something like that...

It has been just a week, but i still see him twice, it is very difficult for me to not hear from him, sometimes, i really miss his attention; even i know the relationship with him is kind of toxic...I often have up and down rolling coast feeling, and every time, i think maybe he found another woman, that's why he is not calling me any more... or sometimes, i think maybe its my fault to say cut off and he got upset...

October 19, 2012
3:57 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Just live your life.  Both these men you describe are the Charmer/Abuser types & trying to have a real relationship with them is toxic.  Be kind to yourself and keep your eyes open when you meet another man.  Your world will not be over if you just take care of yourself.  You do not have to be in a relationship with a man to feel normal.  Just be yourself.

October 19, 2012
6:28 am
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dop
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I agree with One Day. Take care of yourself. You have to look at what you get out
of this. You have someone who gets jealous and insecure when you’re away from
him. This makes you feel wanted.  When you’re
with him you feel you’re the one. You’re the one he picks over other women. This
makes you feel wanted. I think you are somewhat addicted to his yo-yo behavior,
he’s there and then he’s gone. There is some satisfaction of renewing the
connection over and over again. He wants me, now he doesn't. I am worth
something, now I’m not. Your problem lies with you. How you view your self-worth.
Why are you so dependent on a man to make you feel good about yourself? You
have met this man under not so ideal circumstances. These relationships don’t last;
you will always have trust issues with him. I think you should have finished up
business with your husband and child before making the jump to another man. Are
you looking for someone to be in place before you divorce so you’re not alone?

 As for the guy you’re seeing;  He makes the calls and everything is fine as long as it goes
his way. He breaks up with you, not you with him. He is probably self absorbed.
He requires constant attention from others. He becomes jealous easily. Probably
lacks empathy except for himself.  He is
impressed with himself.
He will always pursue the attention of others. He depends on this. The worst thing you can do to an individual like this is to cut him
loose before he does you. It is devastating to him. As with his own child
he will not share the stage with yours. This is about him. Your total attention
will need to be devoted to him. You have a part to play in his world. He belives people are lucky to have known him. In reality he is weak from within.  I can go on and on. You probably get it by now. I hope I have minimized the sigma behind this
individual enough to help you move on.

October 19, 2012
7:17 pm
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padmanchoke
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Thank you so much for Oneday and Doplar's reponses. It helped a lot for me to look back this relationship with this man and get myself out of it. 

I was not think to find someone before divorcing my husband until met him, he 'educated' me how women should have a good man in their lives... I was always alone, and pretty much got used to be alone....then everything clashed. 

Now, since I raised the problem with him and cut him loose now, everything becomes much clearer... 

specially when Doplar says about, "Your problem lies with you. How you view your self-worth.
Why are you so dependent on a man to make you feel good about yourself?" 

So true. I was drowning into the trap he made for me and kind of alluding with lots of illusions I put in my mind for myself..

Also, Doplar says, "He will always pursue the attention of others. He depends on this. The worst thing you can do to an individual like this is to cut him
loose before he does you. It is devastating to him." 

that is so true about this guy... I feel myself become much stronger today somehow... he was trying to make me to meet him somehow, i declined that. Then he texted me constantly to tell me, "how good the food he had for lunch, will take you there." "oh, I only ate dolnut alone for dinner." " oh, my back hurts too much." If the then me, I always responsed with lots of attention to him; somehow, today, i suddenly feel he is so pathetic, probably im the only woman was giving him as much as attention he wants...

 

Thanks again for the postings, which make me stronger..

October 20, 2012
6:35 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Congratulations!  The more you practice self-love, the more you will know to not ever allow yourself to stray from your own goals in life.  You are not responsible for another person (unless you are raising young children).  Be good to you as much as possible.  If you continue in this path, maybe one day when you least expect it a man who actually values your courage will step up and share with you a relationship involving real values with no game playing & deceit.  Remember, eyes wide open & keep your focus on your goals.Smile

October 28, 2012
8:01 pm
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ShiningLight
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You deserve someone better. You just have to find and choose a man who can give you unconditional love and respect you no matter what. It's not bad to gain self-respect and think of yourself sometimes when you know it's for the common good. Go on with your life choosing the right path so you'll find inner joy and peace.

 

Hoping for the best.

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