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my story (canadian_scorp)
July 22, 2006
2:26 am
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canadian_scorp
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i came here to this site, aac, because of something i'd read on a caregivers' yahoo group about codependency.

anyway, i'll tell my story here, but it will likely be all over the place chronologically...

i am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father. the weird thing is that he didn't start abusing me that way until i was 19 years old. i'm 46 now. there was abuse of different kinds from the time i was old enough to start thinking for myself and holding opinions that my father didn't like, or becoming my own person rather than the one he thought i should be. the first time he molested me, his excuse was that i was being "lazy"... i had graduated high school despite spending half of grades 9 and 11 in hospital for spinal operations, had worked part-time since age 16, and had been a pretty good kid.

i told my mother when she and i went out a few hours later. her reaction was to say that she'd noticed him looking at me in a way he shouldn't have been. but she didn't do a thing about it, never talked to him. i think he chose that particular time because i'd just broken up with my first serious bf, and was vulnerable; it was an effort at control. six months later, he did it again when my mother was out. i didn't know what to do -- i was dating someone but really didn't know him that well yet, and couldn't possibly confide in him, and i'd lost most of my friends when my ex and i had split up. i had no money and nowhere to go.

i wish my mother had left my father then. she confronted him, and he admitted the abuse and told her he didn't love her any more, etc. etc. and i was "lazy".

(my brother, three years younger, was already on his way to becoming an alcoholic and did a lot of drugs. i don't recall him ever having been treated the way i was, and can only conclude that in my father's view females were worthless.)

my mother did believe me, but was so concerned with her own financial security that confronting my father was all she ever did -- that and telling his sister and brother, who accused me of making it up because my father wouldn't sign papers disclosing financial information for student loan purposes (I'd been admitted to college). it was actually the other way around, as he attacked me several weeks before i asked him to put the relevant information on my student loan application.

i will write more another time about the intervening years, but for now just fast forward to the spring of 1995.

at the end of april 1995, i'd been in a serious long-distance relationship with someone i'd met online, although not because i was looking. we'd become friends in late 1999 through chatting in a chatroom, and by the spring of 2001 he told me he was developing feelings for me. he was 28, and had only ever had one relationship, which only lasted a couple of months and ended when they met in person and she rejected him because there was no chemistry. i was 41, living on my own in an apartment with my two cats, and going to university finally after many years of trying to make my way in low-paid jobs. of course i was flattered. i let myself get talked into a relationship with him despite having thought of him as an emotional lightweight during our initial acquaintanceship, and a couple of months later we met in person at a "meet" consisting of about 40 people who had been in the chatroom and the newsgroup. he didn't really fit my idea of attractive, but i'd grown to really care about him during the time we'd been talking online, so i gave it a chance. looking back, i don't think he was attracted to me, either. we did try to get physical, but there was something "off" about it. after that in-person meeting it was a few more months before he was able to visit me in my city, due to his work schedule, but he came for about five days in the middle of the summer and again in early september 2001. at that point i believed that even though we had trouble getting intimate, that might change... because in those first few months, he seemed almost ideal. he had a good, steady job, wasn't abusive, and made a point of talking to me every night whether on the phone or on IRC. we told each other "i love you" every day. we never argued.

in the fall of 2001 i made plans to visit him in his city for after xmas. i brought my cats to my father's house, went to the airport from there, and had a wonderful time visiting him, meeting his friends and seeing his city.

when i arrived back, my bus was a bit early getting to my father's town, so i took a cab to his place to collect my cats and head home. my father wasn't there -- he'd had a very serious operation. his girlfriend didn't seem to know much about it. the next day my uncle's wife called and told me exactly how ill my father was. he'd had a ruptured aortic aneurysm, and at that point had a 10% chance of survival. his gf went back to her home, i took my cats and headed back to my place before going to the hospital.

my bf was aware of my father's past abuse, although i hadn't told him many details. i called him and told him about the situation. his reaction? "well, if he dies, i won't be able to get there for the funeral." he couldn't ask for time off work to support me if it came to that? i was dumbfounded, but my bf was the last thing on my mind right then. so i let the remark slide.

one of the main reasons i ever got involved with my ex-bf was that he expressed strong interest in moving near me. he'd done so very early on, before we'd even become friends, and during the first year we were involved visited a headhunter up here. he never seemed to make much headway looking for work up here so we could be together more often, and i started to get frustrated. so many excuses... he is in the IT field, and needed all these various certifications before becoming more marketable, and there was always some reason why he wasn't getting these certifications and looking for work up here seriously. he kept assuring me that yes, he was sure he wanted to move up here to be with me (not live together, but be within driving distance). i kept asking him how sure he really was, because although i did love him, i didn't want to waste time in an online relationship that wasn't going to amount to anything else. he had many, many chances to just say he wasn't sure about whether he wanted to be with me. i made it very easy for him to have an "out".

time went on... 2002, 2003, 2004... all with no action on his part about moving here. he did talk sometimes about me moving down there after i finished school, but he lives in the most expensive place in the US, and i wouldn't be able to afford an apartment there. it got so we were visiting each other twice a year, in the summer and for the new year's holidays. and our visits were short, five days usually, although the last time i went i stayed a week.

by my last visit to see him, in late 2004, we'd stopped even trying to have sex, and i wasn't that interested any more in it. after i returned home, i decided that i'd give him until his birthday in late july 2005 to have made definite plans (a job offer and a lease on an apartment) up here, and if he hadn't made any progress by then, to break off the relationship. i felt like all our conversations were about the same thing, he was starting to accuse me of "aggravating" him by trying to talk about our future, and i was fed up.

the next four months passed with him becoming more involved in his big hobby at home (scuba diving, with his best friend), and saying little about our relationship, although we were still exchanging daily "i love yous". i had exams throughout april, and had decided to try and talk to him at the end of april about where the relationship was going. the one time i did say anything, his response was, "you worry about your exams, not this stuff." i was starting to wonder if he'd lost interest in the relationship.

on april 29, 2005 my father called me and said he'd have to sell the house we jointly owned (i'd inherited from my mother when she died), because his health had gotten so bad he could no longer live alone and look after a house. he mentioned moving into a retirement residence. i was upset, wanted to talk to my bf, but he didn't show up online. eventually i went to bed.

the next evening, the telephone rang; it was my bf. i was peeved that i'd waited online for nothing the previous night, with no word from him, and let him know. he snapped that he'd come home from work and fallen asleep. i let it go, and told him about my father's call.

one thing i should mention here is that my father has quite a lot of money tied up in investments. i am his heir and will inherit it all when he dies. my bf had long known this, and had made comments about my making sure my uncle's stepdaughters didn't try to get their hands on that money. well, my father had also just told me that there wasn't much money left. i told my bf that, and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask him if that made a difference to him, but i didn't. he started whining about how upset he was that the weather wouldn't permit him to scuba dive that weekend, and i repeated how upset i was over my father's news. my bf reacted by saying, "well, i don't know what i can do, i'll do what i can, but...."

i was pretty angry by that point, and said, "*you* don't have to do *anything*."

my bf took that opportunity to mention how angry i was with him, and then asked me if i wanted to end it. i responded by saying i really didn't know what to do, i didn't want to end the relationship but it wasn't going anywhere. then i asked him the same question.

his response? "yes. i'm sorry". he went on to say that he wanted to date people his own age, and had realized for a few months that his feelings towards me had become platonic. i was devastated, first my father's news and now this, and my bf's timing couldn't have been worse. he didn't care how upset i was... he'd been putting on an act for several months, probably from the time i last visited him.

i'd had so many dreams for our future, and they were suddenly all gone. i told him i wouldn't contact him at all, and that if he ever decided he wanted my friendship, he would have to be the one to contact me. by that point i'd started crying, said 'goodbye' and hung up the phone.

the no-contact thing? that's what i've done ever since. i haven't talked to him since the night we split up.

the next weeks were spent in a daze. i was trying to arrange the sale of the house, trying to figure out what to do, and crying all the time. my old car died. my future looked pretty bleak, and i couldn't even work since i was doing so much driving back and forth using my father's car. finally i offered to let my father move into my apartment as i have a two-bedroom. the house was sold, and he moved in last september.

i'll write more about the past year in another post.

but i wonder why the h*ll i stayed in that relationship for four years. was it out of some need for security, hope that things would be better if we were together more often? i wanted children, and it's too late for me to have them now. why wasn't i smart enough to break it off years earlier? i don't know. he gave so little, accused me of being codependent because i wanted more of a relationship than we had. he feared anyone relying on him. i never met his parents during those years, and he kept telling me they wouldn't accept me because of the age difference and the fact that they wanted him to concentrate on his career. i think now he was ashamed of me because of his privileged upbringing.

anyway, i think i've written enough for now.

July 26, 2006
3:43 pm
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kke22417
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(((canadian_scorp)))

hugs to you...

How are you today?

July 26, 2006
4:21 pm
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lovinglife
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"O Canada!... we stand on guard for thee...." sorry it just hit me when I went to type in your screen name.

First- all this stuff that you have been going through with you ex-bf more than likely relates directly back to your VERY abusive father. When I read how you were sexually abused by him at 19 (??) my heart just about sank. And you’re absolutely right- IT WAS A TOTAL ISSUE OF CONTROL.

Having been an ADULT victim of sorts of a rape of sorts myself (by my ex-h-I still have a hard time admitting it)...I'm not even exactly sure what it does to your insides- however my therapist at the time when it all came out (yrs later) was pretty insistent that it effected me greatly. I went through therapy long enough to get the nightmares and all that jazz to stop.

But Canada- you were SO violated. Is there any wonder why years later you're now wondering....

"but i wonder why the h*ll i stayed in that relationship for four years. was it out of some need for security, hope that things would be better if we were together more often?"

god, I just had a thought... my violation came in the early yrs of my relationship with my ex-h, just about the time that I had enough of his other abuse. I was trying to get out. What ever he did to me, ripped something out of me, that made me very weak, very, very weak- and confused. WOW.

Sorry if I didn't help you any here- I'll try again it a bit.

July 26, 2006
4:24 pm
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lovinglife
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ok..let's try this again here :), have you been in therapy regarding the abuse your father inflicted on you? If you haven't I think that would be a great place to start.

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