Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
My story - but graphic - I feel hopeless
October 6, 2006
5:57 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It;s the first time I posted anywhere. I was/am still overwhelmed and not quite sure how to handle everything. Somedays I want to hide my head in the sand, and others I'm realizing what's going on is not normal. I found this site looking for a counseler on-line because I knew I couldn't face anyone.

I feel like im in a downward spiral, I don't want to go on everything is so confusing, I hate myself, I feel like trash, how could I have let things happen all these years. I must have been stupid.

It all started subtly verbal, emotional abuse, than 2 years ago, the physical started at first it was grabbing, than physically restraining me leaving me bruises. hitting me, but where no one could see. I never knew if he was happy or mad, I never knew if what I said would make him explode or he would be happy.

Then about 6 months ago the episodes in the bedroom started. First he would say if you love me you will do this to please me all wives do. I do love you him!!! At first it was uncomortable but I would pretend it was okay. I had to to go on.

Then last week he left me with bruises yesterday, and I hurt physically, I think he went to far because I started bleeding for the first time, after having sex with him. He said all other wives know how to please their husband. But it felt so awful, all I could do was scream, he took me from behind. I felt like I was being torn apart. He didn't stop there he took me by force again using objects in me. I felt the inside of me was going to explode from the pain. I just fell into a heap in the bathroom, I can't believe it's happening to me. Why would he hurt me?

My emotions have gone from shock to it couldn't be happening to anger, to I''m feelihg worthless and most of all I don;t want people to see me. I feel like they can look right through me. The event just keeps playing out in my head it's doesn't stop....

October 6, 2006
6:22 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Armylee,

Not sure if there are any qualified counselors here...we are mostly just people who have been through stuff, need help and want to help.

What you are going through sounds just terrible. Heartbreaking to read. Marital rape has been shown to have the same psychological effects as other types of rape and can never and should never be dismissed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are a victim of a most horrific crime and I cannot see that anyone here would judge you negatively for that. Please do vent, write down your feelings about this, and perhaps that will give you the strength you need to seek out a therapist who can help you to find the answers you need to escape this situation. The feelings you describe of feeling worthless and not wanting people to see you I have heard from other people in the same situation. And I know it may not sink in right now, but you so are not worthless. You are of value to the world at large, you are of value to yourself.

Take care,
Rev.

October 6, 2006
6:30 pm
Avatar
whiteblue1942
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
October 6, 2006
6:36 pm
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

armyleo , you've arrived to a safe place so post ALL you need. Also, please get professional help immediately. As rev says, marital rape is a heinous CRIME, it is a crime, please report it, go to a women's rape relief center, start going to counselling and get out of that relationship ASAP, RUN.
Now, I now that is so much easier said than done, but it can be done, for what I know it is only going to get worse.

Your self-esteem right now is probably at an alltime low or non-existent so I hope that there is someone that is close to you that you can count on. ABUSE of ANY KIND is wrong. And what is happening to you is not normal, and NO, not any Wife does that, most people I know or know of do not enjoy being sodomized. Is there someone you can talk to? Please, please do. But in the mean time keep posting. Make sure to write everything down, all the details, times, so you have arecord, because you'll probably need it sometime.

take care, i'll be praying for you. double.

October 6, 2006
6:37 pm
Avatar
whiteblue1942
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Im very sorry to hear about your situation armyleo. I understand how difficult it can be to speak face to face with a counselor about these kinds of things. From what I understand, your situation is not gettin any better and is headed into the wrong direction. I know how these kinds of situations can be very confusing and you may not understand his actions or reasons. I know that you would like nothing more to make him happy but hapiness comes at a cost. If you would like to chat with a counselor online I will recommend a website below. It is one of the best counseling websites there is out there. They also respond by e-mail if you wish to do so. it is http://www.eOnlineCounseling.com you will not ever find a better and more supportive site than this. I wish you the best of luck and hope that your future may be brighter than your past.

October 6, 2006
7:18 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Please go to a hospital and get checked and turn him in. This is horrible honey. You can't live like this. Your life is at stake. Please go. You are not to blame for ANY of this. You are here, but we are so not able to help you in the ways that you need to be helped. We can talk and listen and we will. There are several people her that will here your every word, and try to help you through all of this. But do get away from him. Go to the police, go to the hospital. Do NOT continue to live like this. You ARE worth so much more. Your life is precious. That bastard needs to rot in hell. Please keep us posted.

Scared

October 6, 2006
7:22 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Please armyleo (and welcome to this site and please keep coming), be very very careful if you choose to address this via email. If your husband has allowed the situation to deteriorate this far, you do not know how much more he is capable of doing, like monitoring your email. This site, if you keep your nickname a secret, is really a safe, anonymous place to talk.

It does sound like this is not a good situation for you at all any more. I know it must be hard to sort through your feelings about him, but you really do need to put a stop to the abuse and protect yourself (do you have children?).

Is it possible to go for a visit for a week or so to see friends or relatives? Just to get some distance from him so you can think without fear of more abuse? How often is this happening?

I am firstly praying for your safety, and then some peace of mind and clarity of thought. This is soooo not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have been victimized by someone you loved and trusted and now he is using, manipulating and abusing you. And you are going to be OK. Please keep posting.

October 6, 2006
10:58 pm
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just bumping this, I think she needs all the support she can get.....

October 6, 2006
11:28 pm
Avatar
free spirit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((Armyleo))))

That's a hug for you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You do not have to do this to prove to someone you love them - this is not "normal" sexual behavior. This is bordering on rape at least and you can say "no" if it hurts or even is uncomfortable.

Do you have someone you can talk to - a family member or trusted friend?

He may be doing this because he has some sexual issues? I'm not sure, but please don't let him do permanent damage? It sounds like you might want to get a physical or have a doctor make sure you are okay? Can you do this?

This has nothing to do with your worth, you are a precious and valuable person who deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.

My heart goes out to you and I will be thinking of you. Please post back when you can and let us know how you are doing!

Take care of yourself.

October 6, 2006
11:43 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((((armyleo)))))

I am so sorry for what he did to you and for what you are experiencing in your marriage. Your husband has no right to hurt you in any way. You don't deserve to be abused, nobody does, and everyone has a right to live free from abuse and humilation. What your husband does is a crime.

It is not your fault and you don't deserve it in any way, and that you are abused doesn't mean that you are worthless or stupid. It can happen to everyone, even the most educated, smartest and most wealthy people and it does happen. It is difficult to detect abuse right from the start, because often it starts in a very subtle way, just little remarks here and there, which sometimes can be interpreted in different ways, and then little by little it gets worse and worse. It is also so hard to believe that the person who you love and who should love you can do such horrendous things and can hurt you in any way.

You are ashamed, but it is not your fault what he did to you, it was his choice. The fact that he hurts you and you have bruises where nobody can see, just proves that: he does it in cold blood, and unfortunately it is possible that this very person who should love you choses to hurt you. You have no influence on his choices, no matter what you do, and as you said - you never know when will be next time when he will hurt you. You have a right to live free from abuse. Please get away from him because he will abuse you more and more severely to the point that not only your health, but your live might be in danger.

You've said that you are ashamed of people because you feel like everyone can see through you. The problem is that people don't know and don't see. Those who might suspect that something is wrong in your marriage will not say it, because you are the one who has to reach for help. You should go and see the doctor to make sure that there are no internal injuries and you should report your husband and the crime he committed. There is hope, and there is help, but you have to ask for it.

You don't have to live with an abuser, and as you've noticed, it does not get better and it escalates. Your life may be in danger. Please seek help as soon as possible, and please keep us posted. Rape crisis centre and/or women's shelter would be a good choice. Run away. My thoughts are with you.

October 6, 2006
11:54 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

gosh, everyone's responses are overwhelming. I don't think I could go anywhere quite yet. I don't want anyone to get in trouble. I think sometimes it's just me who dosen't do things the way they are suppose to be done, or get them done when they should.

Besides I would be too scared to do anything.

I should not have written everything, but it's just that I needed to write and get it out of my system. I needed someone to talk to.

October 7, 2006
12:03 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Free spirit ~ with all due respect it is not "bordering on rape".

What her husband did to her is rape. Rape is a crime. Wife assault is a crime.

Marital rape is the most severe form of breaking trust and for many survivors is much worse to heal from than from rape committed by a stranger because of broken trust and disbelief. While you might expect a stranger to be an enemy, you don't expect your loved one to violate you in such horrendous way.

Unfortunately it is still very touchy subject for many and is often ignored and not even mentioned that it is a part of wife assault, together with beating, emotional and psychological abuse and so on.

In my view, it doesn't really matter what his issues are. The fact is that her health is in danger and that the abuse will further escalate; she should leave.

October 7, 2006
12:05 am
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

hi armyleo. i think it's a great choice you made to write things down. This is a safe place and anonymity helps so much so we can all be free in expressing things that must of us wouldn't dare talk to people that are close to us.

you say "i don't want to get anyone in trouble", i think i understand, but you are not protecting only your husband, you are also protecting yourself from being judged (i learned that here).

i would also be terrified of doing something, it is something that has to be well thought out and you need to have a good support system for you. please go to the doctor just to make sure there are no internatl injuries -as the others have suggested. Please, please talk to someone, a physician, or a priest/minister....It's not easy. not easy at all. When it's safe for you keep posting. Please take care. double

October 7, 2006
12:06 am
Avatar
free spirit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Armyleo,

You came to the right place, this is a good place to come to for support and to talk all you want. You should get it all out of your system, it can't be good for you to keep all that inside.

You do not have to go anywhere if you do not want to or are not ready to do that. I suspect people here were trying to give you ideas of where to go if you needed to. But, you can stand up for yourself and make sure you don't get hurt again that is your right.

We are here for support, so keep posting if you can!

October 7, 2006
12:09 am
Avatar
free spirit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yes, I agree Matteo, I was trying to not to be harsh 🙂

October 7, 2006
12:16 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

armyleo ~ nobody wants you to leave if you are not ready to so, and
that's OK if you are not ready to leave yet - although it is something you might consider doing in the future. Talking here will give you different perspective from that which your husband conveys to you, and I am sure that it was difficult to open up. All what I'm saying is: what he is doing is a crime, he has no right to do it and you don't deserve it, and you did nothing wrong to deserve it. Take good care of yourself, because no matter what you will try, he will not stop, you can't make him stop. But in order to leave, you are the one who has to be convinced about it, nobody else. Hugs to you.

October 7, 2006
12:26 am
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't have many friends, slowly he has made me loose touch with them.

I have a dumb question...

I thought r... was by a stranger, and being a victim was by a stranger.

I can't go to a shelter, what would they think. That I couldn't keep my marriage together. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one going through this.

I'm sure it's not going to happen again, it's the first time, it got that violent. I'm hoping it will stop.

October 7, 2006
12:45 am
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

armyleo. I agree with the others, you will move at your own pace, as we all do. for me it has been so helpful to just talk here, when all starts comingout it is very helpful and liberating. There are wonderful people on this posts and we've all had suffered great losses, are struggling with codependance and all sort of stuff, there is a lot of compassiona and insight. There are light threads too where we share recipes or music ideas or thoughts and books.

There are many books out there to read, that might help you too. I hope things don't escalate and that what happened to you doesn't happen again. However, if you decide to go to a women's crisis centre it woudl be good. The staff at those agencies are trained and I can assure you that noone is going to judge YOU.

NOBODY asks not deserves to be abused, any kind of abuse, don't blame yourself for that. Keep posting. Will be sending you good thoughts. double.

October 7, 2006
12:54 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

armyleo ~
no, any unwanted sex is rape. Sex should be between consenting adults. Nobody has a right to violate your body, stranger or husband. You are not his property, you are a human being who deserves respect from your husband, also towards your body. You always have a right to say "no" and for that "no" to be respected.

The responsibility of keeping the marrige together doesn't depend solely on your shoulders: it is up to both of you to make it work, marriage consists of two people, not one. Nobody will judge you in the shelter, but as I said, you have to be ready to leave.

Please read the thread "signs of battering personality", that might help you for a start.

October 7, 2006
12:59 am
Avatar
free spirit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Armyleo - rape is any act which is not consensual including that between a husband and wife. If you say stop and he doesn't, it is considered rape. The use of objects would also be considered that. You have to specifically give permission for an act, otherwise it is rape. The laws may vary from place to place, but the spirit of them is the same.

I too hope this does not happen again, you do not deserve to be hurt. Can you talk to your husband and tell him he hurt you badly and that you will not tolerate it again? Perhaps he will respect your wishes.

There are some threads about abuse on the site right now that are good to read. Strong started one called "Let's define abuse". There is no question he is abusing you and sometimes the verbal and emotional can be worse that the physical. There is another thread started by Worried Dad, I think it has Batterer in the title - it explains some more about abuse.

It sounds like the abuse in your house has been getting worse over the years, unfortunately, this is a pattern for abuse. There are Counselors that can be very supportive and help you. They will not judge you or condemn you for what you are going through.

Keep talking and hugs to you!!

free spirit

October 7, 2006
1:17 am
Avatar
SassyAlex
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is so terrible. And while I agree that everyone takes their own time to be ready to leave, in this situation, I would want her out ASAP. This man is violent and raping you. God only knows what else he is capable of. Most women who are murdered are killed by their significant others. Not to sound too harsh, but this is the truth. Even if he doesn't physically kill you, raping you and mentally abusing you is just another way of killing someone.

You have done NOTHING to deserve this treatment. He is telling you that you have done something wrong as a way to screw with your head and make you think you are to blame. You are not. You do not ever have to do anything sexually that you do not want to do. It is not your wifely duty. He is trying to control your mind so you feel there is no way out.

Please keep posting, and I wish you would run to the police, stay somewhere safe, and don't ever see him again unless it's in court. I also wish you had a brother or someone who would bash his head in if he knew about this.

October 7, 2006
1:35 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi armyleo.

Seems like there is both good news and bad news in the story you have told us so far.

You wrote:

"I'm realizing what's going on is not normal."

That is what you have going for you. That means you are pretty sane.

Then you wrote about "verbal, emotional abuse." That means you understand what is going on.

And you also seem to know that the physical violations are also just plain wrong.

Lots of people in a situation like yours just don't know that something is really, really wrong until... until they lose too much personal power and perspective.

It sounds to me like you have made a choice to do something about it while you still can. And you know what's going on. And you are asking for help.

That's really good news.

The bad news of course, is that you are stuck in a really nasty abusive relationship. You are living up to your neck in Domestic Violence. You are a battered woman. And you are in danger.

That's really bad news.

I strongly recommend that you continue talking to people about your situation. Talk to friends and relatives and pastors, doctors, counselors, nurses, social workers....Talk your head off.

But for right now, don't even hint to your husband that you are talking to people about this stuff.

It is admirable that you "don't want to get anyone in trouble." But I suggest you be realistic here. You are already in trouble. Deep trouble.

I'm sorry but that's what I think. I'm not talking about the possibility of phsycial injury, although that is present as well.

Two years of emotional abuse can cause a lot of injury. Bruises will fade, and bleeding usually stops. But damage to the mind, to the brain takes a lot longer to heal. And it is your mind that you just have to have intact and working if you are going to solve this problem.

So please, don't just wait for him to physically hurt you again and again before you say enough is enough.

From what you have said, the man is using extreme psychological violence. Protect your mind.

The best way to protect your mind in this situation is by using what is called "reality checking." That's what you are already doing just by talking to us.

Your husband is using brainwashing techniques to reprogram your mind. And he is using pretty cheap old hackneyed tricks on you too. He is trying to re-program you into being a crazy person. That's what battering men do to women.

Resist isolation. By talking to other people you can keep his reprogramming from taking hold until you have found a way to get out of this madness.

No matter what this man or anyone else has told you:

You are a Human Being imbued with innate dignity and beauty and rights.

Don't ever let anyone try to take that away from you.

October 7, 2006
2:34 am
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

excellent post WD

October 7, 2006
1:20 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Worried Dad,

I've been reading for the past 2 days that's how I know what's been happening for all these years.

But it's all too much to comprehend, and it makes me feel stupid for putting up with it for all these years. He's right I;m dumb and pathetic. Why didn't I know.

Your right, when ever he calls me names like "trailer trash, and supid, and wh... and b...", they just cut through my heart. They seem to hurt more then the bruises I get. Because once they are gone, they don't hurt and I forget, but I never forget the names.

I don't have any friends left, I just stumbled across this web-site by accident, I'm glad I did. Talking face to face, with someone I could never do. I feel too ashamed of what's going on,

Thanks, for responding

October 7, 2006
1:25 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sweetie, are there any battered women's shelters near you that you can run to?

they know your story, they have heard it before from many other women like you.

my best friend took her children there when she finally got the courage to leave her abusive husband. her three children, tho they are precious and loved, were all products of marital rape - he would come home high, stoned or drunk and force sex on her until he was done with her - and this was usually when he couldn't find any other woman to be with.

She finally got out.

No means no - it's your body. Yes, making love to your partner is part of the marriage package - but not if you don't agree. And that doesn't make you a bad wife if you are not always willing to do what he suggests.

Battered women's shelters will help you understand that you are NOT those names he has called you, you are NOT worthless, you are NOT dumb. You are a victim of his abuse - and they are trained to help you. They know how to deal with your shame - you are NOT alone!

If you are not ready to go now, I understand, but please know they are out there and they will protect you from him and help you rebuild your life and your soul and your esteem and your mental health.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111092
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38644
Posts: 714466
Newest Members:
graydor, doctorelvis, lion heart, thomson, BenjaminGresham, answerhope
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information