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My Stinking Thinking
September 30, 2005
3:58 pm
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jastypes
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I was journaling through lunch because I got pissed off at something stupid. Mark called me at 1:00 to let me know he was home. He wasn’t feeling well (again? Still?) and he took a half a day off. I could feel my blood pressure going up. Why would that make me so angry? I feel like it’s his fault he’s sick. It’s a running joke in our house, but it’s really not funny. Everyone gets sick but me! I tell them it’s because I’m spiritually fit. I’m only half joking.

I journaled through it all. I think the bottom line is that my needs are never met. I get absolutely no down time. Every day is filled with commitments. But it’s not just that. I mean I take care of the kids’ needs (food, clothing, cleaning), and Mark’s too, when he’s home. I take care of my own too, of course. I eat and have clean clothes. But nobody else does it for me. I have to do it myself. And I do it for everybody else too. I’m tired. I’m beyond tired. I’m exhausted. And then whenever I DO do something for myself, like my C.R. meetings, I get grief for it. I hear things like, “You’re never home. Can’t we come too? Where are you REALLY going?”

I am worn out, and the thought of spending the weekend with a sick Mark again makes me want to run away. On the one hand, I know I have a right to relax. But on the other hand, I feel selfish, self-centered, mean and downright shrewish even thinking bad things about someone because they’re not feeling well.

I have KidZone tonight. I teach Music and Bible Memory to kids in grades K through 5. I would rather not do it. But I have to be there anyway to take some of my kids to Youth Group, and it’s a way for me to avoid being at home. I’ll have fun and be blessed once I’m there, but everything in me is screaming that I just want to sleep. Sleep to escape, though. I wouldn’t be addressing my real needs at all.

Note, This is all self-inflicted. If I told Mark that I was exhausted and needed to sleep, he’d tell me to stay home and sleep. He’d tell me to tell the kids I can’t take them to youth group, and to call Buffy and tell her I can’t make it to KidZone. Then I’d be angry that HE wouldn’t take the kids to youth group, and I’d feel guilty for not showing up for KidZone

Thanks for being there for me to vent to.

September 30, 2005
4:03 pm
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Anonymous
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so take the kids to kidzone - and tell buffy you can't do the commitment any more - and use the time to sit in the car and read or nap - or do some errands or shopping that YOU want to do.

he doesn't have to know - and even if he does - so what? - you deserve time off and you are honoring your commitment to have the kids there - there is no requirement to STAY there.

I know how you feel tho - my BF was sick for two weeks, and tho I could visibly see the symptoms, hear the wheeze, cough, feel the sweat and fever - I secretly was angry cuz he was sick - yeah, like it was his fault...I hear ya on that.

September 30, 2005
4:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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Vent away. What would happen do you think if you just said no to something?

You are tired and your body and brain need to rest. When we do do do for others, we are hoping to have people do for us as well. And when that doesn't happen, we start to feel angry and resentful. What could you do for yourself today?

September 30, 2005
4:07 pm
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kathygy
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When I was married I used to feel resentful when my ex husband was sick. He was suddenly a big baby. But when I got sick which was rare, no one took care of me.

You say going to KidZone is a way to avoid going home and yet you say you just want to go home and sleep to escape. Either way I hear that you want to relax and not have to worry about others right now. Why not give yourself priority and create your evening just the way you want it. It sounds like you are over due for some self pampering. No need to feel guilty for loving yourself. You deserve it.

September 30, 2005
4:09 pm
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Anonymous
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can you get anyone to take the kids to kidzone for you? give them a ride?

tell buffy you are under the weather - and need the night off - then get a ride for the kids - then go lay down and sleep and let mark take care of his own sick butt!

September 30, 2005
4:42 pm
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jastypes
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You guys are great, but I can't bring myself to do those things you suggest. I'm still working on the why not. I tried to get out of my Kidzone commitment at the beginning of the year. They asked if I could help out, and I actually said, "I'd rather not. I don't think it's my calling." Then they told me they really needed help because Buffy had commitments with her son's football games many Friday nights. And I said, "Well, I could be a substitute when needed." Then they said, "But the kids really like you, and you are really marvelous with them. No one else can teach music." And I caved. It really is a blessing once I'm there. It's just the getting there that's sometimes hard -- and the fact that we don't get dinner before, it ends at 8:30, so we're eating around 9:00, 9:30.

I have trouble saying no to my own children, and asking others for help (like can you provide a ride). I have done that in the past, and really felt like I was putting someone out.

There's another reason. Here comes the really SICK part. If I do it all, then I am superwoman and Mark is a lazy pig.

Don't worry. I'm in a recovery program. LOL. I can see I've got a long way to go.

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