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My son's dad is drinking again
July 10, 2009
11:49 pm
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soofoo
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My youngest son has an alcoholic father. I have not been with him since littleson was 4 months old. Now littleson is 5.

Littleson's dad spent much of the baby and toddlertime trying. He would see him on weekends, but blew off a lot of visits for drinking. Then littleson got really adamant about not going to daddy's house and he didn't for a while. As it turned out, daddy did not have electricity or hot water which is ridiculous because he is a lawyer and makes great money. I think that he was probably doing cocaine or some other similar drug, though I'm not positive. Then littleson's dad did not drive for a long time, presumably b/c he lost his driver's license, although he did not own up to that with me. Sometime around January, littleson's dad quit smoking, drinking and also became a bit of a health nut. He started picking up littleson more, wanting to be a big part of his life. Littleson was happy to go to daddy's and asked to go often. Littleson totally turned it around from refusing to go to daddy's. I asked him if he might go back to AA. He had had 7+ years sobriety with that program. He graduated law school and was at a very elite law firm, partner track during those years. He said no, he could never go back to that, it all seemed hokey now. I knew that his dry period wouldn't last. I worried that he would start drinking again, and that littleson would feel abandoned. All was relatively good.

Now littleson's dad is drinking again. So far he still has electricity, a driver's license and has not yet run his life into the toilet. But this is probably what will happen.

Littleson, even though 5 years old, is aware of his dad's drinking!!!!! He said to me, my daddy is smoking and drinking a lot and he has to stop it. This is how I found out. When I went to drop littleson off today I saw the wine too. So I know. I think he will be okay for this weekend because littleson will be with his grandparents, but the future, if anything like the past is going to be rocky.

Again, I will have to worry about my son's welfare when he is with his father, try to gauge the risks of him not seeing his father with the risks of being alone with him. In the past, I suffered through littleson's dad coming to my house with his soda bottle filled with liquor and my boyfriend present so that he could see his son and yet littleson be safe. I will have to try to weigh the needs here in a way that I find nearly impossible.

I really want to minimize the negative affects that having an alcoholic father will have on my littleson.

Things that concern me:
1. That littleson will feel responsible to keep daddy sober. I see this because his dad "does it for him". And I see his dad using him as an excuse. Oh, littleson doesn't want to see me anymore, I may as well drink. Littleson has been pulling away from his dad a little bit because it is summer and I have a pool and my house is a little more fun lately.

2. Littleson feeling unsafe, abandoned, unloved.

3. Littleson inheriting the alcoholic gene. I believe this is a problem for the family.

4. Traits.

Anyway, I am considering alanon, but am not sure if it is appropriate since I am not in a relationship with littleson's dad and I really need the support for my son. I am looking for insight about how to protect littleson here. I grew up without a father, and I know that pain. I go out of my way to spare my children that, but I also really need to watch that my son is in a saafe environment, which eventually his father will not provide if he continues the drinking. I know this, I have been through this.

July 11, 2009
10:18 am
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fantas
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Soofoo,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I love that your son already knows how to disassociate himself from his destructive father's behavior. Great trait to have. I would say that your son's welfare comes first so you should reconsider the visitation agreement and require that he not see his son unsupervised. As long as he is drinking, he is danger to your son.

I would also encourage you to attend Al anon for the support you need to stay detached from him as you take care of yourself and your son.

Hang in there!!!

July 11, 2009
1:07 pm
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soofoo
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Thank you for your response fantas. I can't just unilaterally change visitation though. There is a court order. I can go 2 routes here. 1. Get littleson's dad to agree to supervised visits. 2. Go to court and hope it works out in my favor.

Back when littleson's dad was drinking before, it was recommended to me to go to family court and request a drug and alcohol evaluation for littleson's dad. Also, especially because I suspected drug use. I didn't do it, because around the same time, littleson's dad just stopped picking him up. When he started up again, he was not drinking anymore.

But I am thinking about doing it now.

July 11, 2009
1:45 pm
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StronginHim77
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Request the drug & alcohol evaluation. Now is the time. It will give you the legal clout you need to protect your son.

- Ma Strong

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