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My son has no goals/plans for his life
December 6, 2000
9:09 pm
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gladson
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My son is 21 and has been given multiple opportunities to set goals/ plan a future for himself but he doesn't. His father and I divorced when he was very young over the same issue. My son lived with me and could see his father anytime he wanted to. His father did not visit often and would not always come when he said he would. I took him to see his father when months passed and there was no visit for an endless number of reasons. I tried to not make our quarrel my sons quarrel but somehow I have ended up the bad guy. He makes excuses for his father still when plans fall through and his father doesn't call. I can't suggest anything to my son because he says I don't know what I am talking about. I have been fairly successful in spite of the divorce. I have finished college and have a good job which provides us with a comfortable living. There is a lot more I could say but the bottom line is I don't know how to help my son find his own self worth because he doesn't seem to want to.

December 7, 2000
4:57 pm
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Molly
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Time for the boy to grow up, could be he has it too easy at mom's. Is he paying rent? Going to school? What about deadlines? Don't get into the guilt trip, I have been blasted by my girls, and have been trying to not sit to long in my own guilt ridden pity party, wondering what the heck I did, truth is, I am taking a stand, as you should. Divorce remorse is a black hole, and if you did the rearing of the boy of course your the bad one, Hey according to them, I am mentally ill, bi polar. DUH. Just like when he was seven, time to get the list out of things to do, and when to have them done by or he will still be on the couch when he is 31, seen that one lots. You did the best you could, you gave him love, a roof, and food. What more could a kid ask for? Don't go there you'll get the list you don't want. No pain no change, and that is the truth for all of us. Good luck

December 8, 2000
9:16 pm
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gingerleigh
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Molly brings up a great point about rent. Nothing seems to drive people to "make plans" for their lives quite like money does, or the lack thereof.

Also, I don't mean to say throw him out, but encouraging him to get a place on his own would give him a chance to take full responsibility for himself and feel more powerful over his life. At 21, he might feel not in control enough to make his own choices about his path in life.

December 8, 2000
10:41 pm
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Sasha
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So far good advice. The question may be what advatage does your son have by not changing hi behaviour.

As to planning, there is a programme called "Vales Clarification" that help people work out what they really want out of life. It is a question of tapping what interets your son has.
You can find the program at:

Look up PSYCHOTHERAPY > "Values Clarification".

December 9, 2000
2:52 am
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arfur schrunkunpecker
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It is very difficult to know what you want to do in life anyway, let alone coming to a conclusion when the topic is brought up. Im 32, male,(straight) and had a loving family yet the pressure of the future and where I fitted in it was dangerously worrying . Alot of things fall into place when you leave home and maybe rent your own place. Having his own space gives a guy freedom and independence that he doesn't want to give up, which encourages the need to work to pay the rent to keep the freedom etc. Sometimes just this little bit of space makes all the difference and what with the independence, along with neutral encouragement from relatives and friends, helps balance the self esteem. Regardless of how we perceive these opinions, I think above all - we should encourage people to be themselves. Like a kid riding a bike for the first time - you have to let go and hope they stay up. Like pieces of a jigsaw - if we know ourselves, we'll find a space to fit in. If we keep questioning ourselves - we'll never know where to fit in.

December 9, 2000
8:19 am
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eve
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gladson, you don't have to carry your son to his future in your arms. He is old enough to sustain himself, and make some plans. I believe that nobody is fully "grown up", ever - at least I'm 35 and still learning daily, but if you keep him and keep on mothering him, he'll learn that mom will do all the work for him and take all the blame. You don't deserve that - and your son doesn't either.
Take care. Eve

December 21, 2000
6:07 pm
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counslr336
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From what I read , I can say that your son has a lot of resentment towards you for divorcing his father.There is no age specified when the divorce took place. Young children record all the unpleasent events in their brain and bring them up when they need to block stuff from their heads. You and your Ex need to have a very serious discussing about your son. Come up with a mutually agreed plan as to how approach your son.If he sees that both of you are agreeing on something that concerns his future,there might be a change for the better in his way of thinking.Like you say in the start of your statement,the divorce was for this same reason,talking about his future.

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