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My son blames me
March 14, 2006
6:35 pm
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joaquina
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September 29, 2010
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Hi! This is my first time here.
My son blames me for his codependency because my husband is addicted to alcohol and I did nothing to resolve this problem. I felt the last mother on earth because of this. He told me I have never lover him enough to solve the problem with his father.

March 14, 2006
7:49 pm
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readyforachange
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September 27, 2010
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joaquina...welcome to this site, and I am sorry for your pain. Your son blames you because you did not fix your husband's alcoholism? I think you and your son need to do some work and recovery together. First, learn about codependence. If you do that, maybe your son will understand that you could not have changed his father's behavior. I would read Melody Beatty's books (Codependent No More is a good place to start). Join Alanon or CoDa. They both have websites where you can find out about meetings in your area. Talk openly with your son, and let him know that you did the best you could.

Please do not blame yourself for your husband's behavior, and don't accept the blame your son is laying on you. You cannot change the past, but you can shape your future and your son's. I wish you well...

March 14, 2006
8:00 pm
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gingerleigh
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When people start to first read about and discover the term codependency, anger and blame is a common reaction. We're all searching for answers for why we have felt a certain way for so long, and it can feel very powerful to finally pin our problems on a thing or a person. It's temporary, and it will pass as your son digs further into his anger and starts to put the pieces of his life into an arrangement that makes more sense.

Like RFC said, don't take the blame that your son is trying to lay on you. (If someone gives you a gift, do you have to accept it? Of course not! Even if it is laid at your feet, nowhere is it written that you are obligated to pick it up.)

Be patient for now, let your son have his say, but you don't need to agree, just listen and hear him. He's probably reeling from his recent connections in his head and heart, and he's lashing out (it sounds like). Be patient and also be protective of yourself. You did the best you could at the time with the information and support network that you had.

March 14, 2006
8:08 pm
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taj64
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Please don't take the blame. It is so natural for the children to blame the other parent when they drink. I know, my kids did the same thing. They blamed me but I did not offer details of his alcholism until they were much older. Now they know about their dad and they do not blame me. They understand. Your son will understand too hopefully some day but the point is not not put that blame on yourself. It won't do any good at all. He will figure it out in his own way in his own time.

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