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My Son - A Ball of Anger
December 22, 2003
5:01 pm
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arwen
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Guilt.

I am struggling to fight back the tears. For some reason, understanding, reading his vocalization of the guilt he carries, it moves me to emotions I can't quite identify.

After pausing to consider what I feel, I am aware that I continue to carry guilt within myself. Guilt for not "doing" something when I saw people I love in abusive relationships. Guilt for not "doing" something to protect the children born into these unions. Guilt for not dealing with my own abuse issues fast enough to make sure that no one else would be abused by the same perpetrator.

Shame.

I feel shame for all the reasons listed above. And because there has been more than one person in my life who has not had any problem asking me "Why didn't you do something?".

Now, there is a part of me who knows that I did the best I could as I could. And there is this fragile part of me, another part who feels so responsible. She allows herself to remain in a prison of guilt and shame. Oh, periodically she finds her freedom, but she willingly returns to her cell when the question is asked or even alluded to.

I have wanted also to commit murder. I have thought about what it would be like to eliminate these abusers from the lives of people I love. I have wished death upon some of these abusers. And I am ashamed for that as well.

Now, I say to my children, "It stops in this generation. And if it does not, I fear for what I might do to anyone who abuses one of my loved ones." I say "I will not sit quietly and watch the cycle continue in the generation of my children's children--in the lives of my children. I will not see yet do nothing if abuse rears its ugly head in the generation my siblings and I have raised."

But I see it coming. Like a freight train and I feel like I'm 6 years old all over again...

Owie...

Arwen

December 22, 2003
5:48 pm
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Ladeska
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Zinnie.......you sure have had your share of things this year to wrestle to the ground, haven't you? Wow......and now this. I tell you what, I haven't been reading much lately on the threads and I opened this one up just out of curiousity and what that letter said - well, can I just tell you I could have bit a nail in two! Grrrr!!!! I won't even put into words what I really think or feel, basically along the lines of - that scum should have been drawn and quartered along with the other ones. Skinned alive would be good. Okay, okay, said I wouldn't put it into words, didn't I?

Anyways, very glad your son went and did that. Poor baby......I'm so sure he carries quite the load for his sister in many respects. You feel helpless, not sure what to do. I think he really needed to do this, for himself more than anything else.

You just keep going through the mill over there, don't you? Up one hill and down the other one. I think if you had peace for any length of time - you'd start stuttering or twitching or something!

All I know is - there is sunshine wherever Zinnie is. That.....I do know.

Hugs!!!!

December 22, 2003
6:14 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Ladeska,

Yes, to say this has been an uneventful year would be an understatement.

I think now you see why I was finally so frustrated with my cousin situation. I had all of this going on, and that idiot (cousin), calling every five minutes, crying about what all I could do for him.

Ladeska, what is the inside scoop here? When these guys arrive in prison to they take some kind of special classes "Asshole 101" "Writing the sad sack letter to relatives" - What? What do they do?

It makes me sick that these people cannot take responsibility for any of their actions at any time. They can only blame others.

Love,

Zinnie

December 22, 2003
6:37 pm
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Ladeska
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Honestly, yes, there is a kind of class like that in there. The other inmates teach them the ropes of how to be a better psychopath. Yea buddy, you bet your butt on that one. And they swap information on "how to" for favors, too. Nothing is free in there. Wanna know how to do this and that? It'll cost you something. You do for me, I do for you.

You can't "understand" them per say, Zinnie. You'd have to be like them - to understand them. And they can't measure in on your scales because they don't adhere by your moral code. They use quite the "different" one.

In prison, they just learn how to be better assholes, that's all. No reform going on there. Some people can't be reformed anyways.

And I never doubted that you had reason enough to be frustrated your cousing or about anything Zinnie. You were the one that thought that, never me. (smile) Your cousin alone - is enough to fire up anyone's boiler room. You're a better woman than me because I would have gone psycho on someone's ass by now.

All I know is - you're too good for these people and they should feel honored that they ever "knew" you at all.

December 22, 2003
9:22 pm
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Zinnie
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Thanks Ladeska,

I'm hoping that now he has had his say, he will feel better.

Do they all get together and learn these things, yes, I believe they do.

Arwen, like I keep telling my son, don't get caught up in the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" game. Sometimes we can only do so much. In this instance, she wanted to get her car, her brother offered to go with her, but his work project was running behind. Instead of waiting for him, she thought she would make the drive herself - for various reasons. She had not had any contact with him for five or six months at that time, and she was having a hard enough time dealing with her sister's death the month before. So she decided to make the drive on her own. For that my son feels guilty like he should have put work on hold and gone with her.

He sounded O.K. when I talked to him earlier, he called me from the airport. He is looking forward to Christmas. He has a beautiful new wife of almost a year, twins on the way, and his career is soaring. So for right now life for him is good.

But, looking at my own situation, I have to think you know what? It's good that he loves and protects his sister like that. What if he had the reactions like we are talking about on our other threads? He could just ignore her and act like it never happened, or belittled her by saying "well, you asked for it." I'm proud today to call him my son.

Love,

Zinnie

December 22, 2003
10:28 pm
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Ladeska
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And so you should be proud, Zinnie, so you should be. Too few men these days who have that kind of righteous rage and concern over things they should be angry and concerned about. You guys are very lucky to have each other. There is no other appropriate response than the one he had. Simply put - "he loves".

December 23, 2003
2:26 pm
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Zinnie
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Ladeska,

I hope you pull this up as you said you had been reading this thread.

We got into Montreal today, my oldest son picked us up. He looks relaxed, his visit yesterday rid him of his anger.

But, most importantly I want to tell you of the look of joy on his face when he talks of his wife. He loves her so much. They are beginning their family, she is pregnant with the twins - a boy AND a girl.

The very first thing I noticed when we got here to the house is that when he talks to her, he puts his hand on her tummy. He does not even realize he is doing it. It is like he is saying "This is Daddy, I love you so"
He is excited for his children to arrive.

I have been talking to my daugther in law, and she told me so many of her friends are jealous. I asked why? She said because he is so attentive, and has been reading everything he can about the pregnancy. He has told work there is absolutely no way he can travel until after they are born.

But, it is a beautiful sight to see him and watch the love they share between them and the love they have for these two blessed babies on the way.

Love,

Zinnie

December 23, 2003
3:15 pm
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arwen
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There must be a formula--a way to raise people with this kind of caring, capability for love... What is the answer? I wish I knew!

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