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My Son - A Ball of Anger
December 18, 2003
5:27 am
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Zinnie
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I just finished reading my e-mail, my oldest son is a ball of anger right now. He is sending his wife directly to Montreal for Christmas. He is flying to Vancouver then on to Montreal - as he plans on going to the prison to see his sister's ex-boyfriend. He is really angry about him contacting her.

I'm glad there will be a plexi-glass wall between them as I would be afraid my son would be the one in prison.

I have told him "don't waste your time or money, we need to do what is right for your sister - being let it go."

1. The Prosecutor did his job.

2. She is in the final stages of her surgeries, and is doing well in rehab.

3. What good will it really do?

I wish I knew what else to tell him. There is part of me that thinks the above. BUT, there is a part of me that realizes why he is so angry. I feel that anger too, and I think there is almost a part of me that is proud of him for being so protective of his sister.

I just want what is best for these kids, and it hurts to see any of them hurting so much.

I want him to be 100% emotionally and mentally for his babies on the way.

Am I making sense?

Zinnie

December 18, 2003
2:05 pm
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free
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Sounds like he needs the confrontation Zinnie. He is taking care of himself.

free

December 18, 2003
2:23 pm
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pug
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I totally understand your son wanting to k that guy's a, but, in all reality, he's not going to change him & the fact that he's behind bars will give your daughter another chance. Time for everyone to move on & get a restraining order!

Pug

December 18, 2003
2:24 pm
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Zinnie
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There is a part of me that thinks that, there is a part of me that wants him to let this go. Their Dad was extremely protective of women, I think because he saw his own Mother a broken woman; and it seems my boys have that same feeling.

December 18, 2003
2:32 pm
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pug
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Well, getting that guy to stop hitting is like asking a pack-a-day smoker to quit smoking. Does anyone really want to waste their time? Let the specialists deal with him - they've got experience & will know what to do better. Should your family really give this guy the satisfaction he wants by following him to the end of the earth? The abuser is insane.

December 18, 2003
2:58 pm
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Zinnie
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Pug,

It's a deeper issue than that. My daughter was gang raped, stabbed and left for dead. The "ring leader" was her ex-boyfriend. She has been in the hospital for a year. She is finally beginning to open up after being transferred to a rehab hospital. She lost some vision in her left eye, as well as 70% of her hearing in her left ear. She has some brain impairments, and will never walk unaided again, or be able to have children.

Two weeks ago, she got a letter from her ex-boyfriend asking her to sign off on his being moved so he can receive "treatment" vs. a prison sentence.

This has been a long year. Longer than any other I have ever lived.

My oldest son is expecting (well his wife is, he is no medical miracle) twins this Spring. I want him to be 100% for his family.

He has to do what he has to do and I know that. I just wish he was not so hurt and angry right now.

Z.

December 18, 2003
3:05 pm
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gingerleigh
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Sign off on his "being moved"? Don't tell me she is going to help that monster out of a prison sentence!!!

December 18, 2003
3:23 pm
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pug
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How horrible - it's a wonder your daughter is still alive.

Hopefully your son will get some closure this way.

That's nice that you'll be a grandmother though.

December 18, 2003
4:26 pm
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Zinnie
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Are you kidding? The minute she got that letter she was on the phone to my husband who was on the phone to the Prosecutor. If he EVER contacts her again, he gets time added on.

December 18, 2003
5:14 pm
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How long is his sentence Zinnie? And the others?

free

December 18, 2003
7:05 pm
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Zinnie
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Free,

He got over 30 years, one of the other's got 30, and the younger of the two who supposedly "cooperated" got it down to 24 (I thought it was 22, but my husband corrected me).

My husband petioned the court to sit second chair. He does not do criminal law. He should - as a Prosecutor.

Had she consented for him to go to the treatment program, it would have reduced his sentence by six to eight years. When my husband talked to the Prosecutor, he said that in most cases of abuse involving a boyfriend or spouse, the "abusee" will sign off thus reducing the prison term.

Not this girl. Not ever.

December 21, 2003
11:54 am
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Zinnie
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Good morning,

There is no way to stop my son from going now. Apparently this guy wrote to all of and sent the letters out. I have not gotten mine out, but he is asking all of us for foregiveness. My son was so angry on the phone this morning he was almost incoherent which is unheard of for him as he has his Dad's laiz a fare attitude.

My daughter-in-law is flying into Montreal today, and he is leaving tomorrow for Vancouver. He is meeting the Prosecutor out there at 8:00 a.m. on Tuesday.

Z.

December 21, 2003
1:01 pm
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Zinnie
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However, his anger was tempered by the fact that a great article was written about him in one of the trades.

I hope his visit will bring closure to him, so he can get past this anger, he is beginning to worry me.

December 21, 2003
8:36 pm
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Zinnie
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O.K. - I might just join the boy at the prison.

Walked down to the mail box, there they were - two letters. One to me, one to my husband.

My husband's - he actually tells my husband NOT to feel guilty for his role in helping to prosecute him. Yes, folks that is what is says.

My letter - he tells me that it was a horrible mis-understanding and all of this took place because we chose to raise the kids too openly. Due to raising them this way my daughter has a skewered - ah, hell, I will quote it for you "you and your husband and there mother have made your kids the mess they are now. If Lisa had just done what I wanted her to do, we would not have had a fight."

What in the world? Do as he told her? He was cheating on her. Then he was stalking her.

What in the hell happens to these guys in prison? Do they take the mandatory course "Asshole 101"?

I'm so angry right now I cannot see straight. WE caused this to happen?

December 21, 2003
8:46 pm
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pug
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I'm so sorry, Zinnie - what a jerk.

He has to try to rationalize it somehow. He has to have something to tell himself so he doesn't have to face the monster that he is. And he's not. The lie has become so vivid in his mind that he actually believes he's right. There's no rational - don't listen. The scary thing is....He thinks he sounds normal in the letter to you. That his argument about your "open style" of child rearing made him hit his wife!

Abusive people get some craxxxxy ideas boiling around in their brains - especially in JAIL!

Pug

December 21, 2003
8:59 pm
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Zinnie
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The reality of the situation is that our children were raised to have respect for all others. The only thing other people found "odd" in our raising of the kids was the interaction between all three adults, and then later my husband now.

There was no animosity between my husband and his ex-wife. Nor was there ever any between she and I. We lived within walking distance of each other for the kids. If they walked around the block to get from one house to the other, it was only four blocks. If they cut through our back yards and the alley way, it was about fifty feet. We had a bank account with all three names on it so we could buy whatever the children needed as they needed it, with which ever one of us they were with.

After he passed away, and I remarried - I stayed in the kids lives and they are in ours. They love my husband and give him respect as a step-father. Although technically we are not related to them in any way. They are the family of our choosing I guess.

How can he get "open" raising out of that?

I know you are right Pug, and he is rationalizing, and after all the crazy bull crap my cousin has written to me over the years I should not be shocked. The thing that kills me is the way they all seem to be able to rationalize this. Like I said, I'm beginning to think they all take the same course. He even makes a remark about how he should not have gotten as much prison time as he did. My cousin made the same exact remark he did. Hum, now that I think about it, my cousin's letter does state that, yet he maintains he was set up, and is innocent.

Z.

December 21, 2003
9:10 pm
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pug
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So your cousin is supportive of this guy because - he is also an abuser?

I think it's fine that you all raised the kids together - share the love. My God, at least it wasn't so confusing for them that way, like their parents didn't love them or anything.

You have such a large family I get confused. So you have two kids that you are not related to from your first marriage. Do you have any more?

Your grandmother had 20 kids? How old was she when she started? You have 4 older brothers, a younger sister & two younger brothers?

How do you keep it all straight????

Pug

December 21, 2003
9:22 pm
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Zinnie
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No, my cousin and this creep are two different situations all together.

My first husband had five kids when I married him. He and I had just started trying for a child of our own when he died.

My second husband and I tried for years to have a family of our own. I got pregnant once, but lost the baby at a little over six months. After that I was never able to get pregnant again. Then, at the age of 34, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer.

My first husbands ex-wife, 10 years ago was in a serious relationship, and she became pregnant. He left her and told her he did not want anything to do with the child. She chose to have the baby (a girl), and we are involved in raising her to some degree too. She does not know that she has a different father, and the subject has never come up. I'm sure it will soon though, she is a smart little cookie. She spent last summer with us, as her Mom was caring for our other daughter in the hospital, so we took her to help out. She calls my husband "Uncle Dad, or Uncle Pop."

This guy dated our daughter for close to three years. He began seeing some one else, and the woman called my daughter. When my daughter found this out, she broke it off with him. At first he was angry, then stayed away. Then he began stalking her, and finally attacked her one day, which is why he is prison and why she is in rehab.

My cousin was accused of molesting his grand-daughter. You know the saying, don't ever have a lawyer or Dr. in the family? Well, we ended up getting involved in this whole mess. Only to find out he not only molested his grand-daughter, but has been molesting female family members for the last 40 years. He also sends me crazy letters filled with his stories of how he is being set up, and all of this is every one else's fault but his, etc. My thread about that is called "Biggest Mistake of my Life."

This has been an overwhelming year to say the least.

Yes, I'm one of 11 kids. I have nine brothers and one sister. I'm right smack in the middle.

December 22, 2003
9:44 am
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Zinnie -

Thanks for sharing.

Well, I'm off to get all 4 wisdom teeth yanked!

Pug

December 22, 2003
11:45 am
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Zinnie
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Watching the clock and waiting for my phone to ring. My son is in the prison right now meeting with this a**hole.

I have never felt such disgust in my life over another human being in my life.

December 22, 2003
12:04 pm
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Dear Zinnie,

I want to tell you that I pay attention to you.

I take note of what you say, how you say it, when you make a choice to step up and speak out--when you don't.

I don't interact with you much here, but I do pay attention.

I appreciate your candor. I see the consistency of your statements. You have not ever been two-sided. I appreciate the way you offer, so vulnerably, your stories of life experience, your advice, your wisdom, your kindness, and your understanding.

I notice that you make wise choices about interacting and disengaging. I see that you treat everyone equally. I see you offer your trust openly until you are forced by the action of others to withdraw it.

I admire the essense of who you are. There is such strength and wisdom in you that never waivers, even in the depths of pain and other greatly complex emotions.

I don't want you to think that I don't notice. And it is my hope that you realize that if someone like me, who lacks your self-discipline and wisdom, can recognize so much positive energy coming from you, then others more enlightened than me must surely see it and appreciate it as well.

Thank you for all you bring to these threads every time you write something.

Sincerely,

Arwen

December 22, 2003
12:14 pm
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Hi Zinnie, IM sorry your going through this with your son. I can kind of relate, my son blames me for all his failures because I had him and raised him. But I do tell him that he is now an adult and has a brain to think with and the choices he makes in life are all his doing not mine. It is hard to get through to them sometimes and I dont have an answer for that when they dont think clearly. Or maybe they do but that is their way of coping with all the bad situations in their life.....blame it on the parents.

December 22, 2003
12:34 pm
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Zinnie
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Arwen, Thank you so much for your kind words... I only hope I can be half of what you wrote of me.

Bel, I'm only worrying about his anger. He is easy going, always has been, but this issue relating to his sister has brought out the temper in him like nothing I have ever seen. I only hope he can work through this anger. He is not blaming, me, his father or his natural mother for this. He is angry that this man has the nerve to write to all of us and shift blame for what he did that was so clearly wrong. The kids father endured a child hood of abuse and saw his Mother die a broken woman from years of abuse at the hands of her husband. Because of that, he was protective of all women - if he saw any female being abused or put down he would step right in, whether he knew her or not. I'm seeing that now in my son, and cannot help but feel pride.

But, after getting my own letter, as I said, I was about ready to join him at the prison this morning and have my own go at this person. He is not sorry, he is only interested in blaming others for his own vile acts.

My son, I'm hoping once he gets this out of his system, will be at peace. He is about to be a first time father to twins at that. He is happy and anxious and all of the other things a new father is. He spent the last two weeks at home painting the nursery for the babies. He is a gifted artist like his Father, and he painted the entire room in a jungle scene. I wish we could post pictures here so all could see. I am proud of him for all he has accomplished in his life - which is a lot.

Sometimes, I have a hard time talking to him face to face; as he has gotten older he is more and more each day the spitting image of his Father. They even sound alike. To see that beautiful smile again is sometimes un-nerving. To see him taking better care of himself than his Dad did knowing the health problems his Dad endured when he got older gives me peace.

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm hoping once he gets this out of his system, he will be over it, and all of us as a family can move on.

Love to all,

Zinnie

December 22, 2003
3:53 pm
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Zinnie
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My son just called - he is waiting in the airport now for his flight to be called.

He said that he met with this guy this morning with the Prosecutor present. He told him not to ever contact any person in our family ever again. For any reason. We do not want to hear from him and we do not want him in our lives, ever again. He told him had he found him before the police did he would have been the one in prison because he would have killed him. He said more than anything he hoped he would be crushed out like the bug he knows this man to be.

He also sounded better on the phone when I talked to him. Not as bent out of shape as he has been sounding these past few days. He told me it was just what he had to do. He feels he let his sister down. When I asked him why? He replied, "I should have gone with her to drive back, and not let her go alone."

He is happy about his babies coming in a few months, and they are still trying to pick out names.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Zinnie

December 22, 2003
3:58 pm
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Glad that he is trying to deal with his feelings. He's lucky to have your support. Hope you are ok Zinnie.

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