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my sister is hateful and mean~~
May 9, 2010
7:49 pm
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innerturmoil
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so, me and my sister 'got into it' again at 'mothers day' which we did yesterday..
she keeps saying things that arent true and pisses me off and she knows it.. so she said somethin ive told her not to say over and over, but at dinner she said it AGAIN..so i lost it and i said "shut the [email protected]@ up!" i felt bad about it cause i said it 'in front of my son and my family' but i coulnt control myself, anyone have that 2 happen? i mean i couldnt help it ,, i know i need 2 b on meds but cmon u know somethin u say is gonna upset someone and u keep sayin it even after theyve told u not 2 ..

anyway, then she said my son should be afraid of me so i lost it and started cryin and ran out of the house 'my husband was with my son'

so then she comes outside and gets in my face callin ME selfish [email protected]@h and all and i had my stuff in my hands on the way 2 my car and i said let me just put this down and i did it fast and i turned around 'to fight her for real' and she had disappeared...lol
she is taller and alot stronger than i am but i was angry and on adrenalin and she knew it 2..!! i was ready 2 fight her.. is it just me..??

but then she has been provoiking me practically for ever and sayin crap that is not true and tryin 2 start fights...

i sent her an email today with 'links' like 7 of them about kids and how what my son experiences is 'normal' stuff and she wrote me a looong bitchy email back,, i didnt even say anything when i wrote her, jsut the links.. and she got mad.. well i think she is the one with the prob.. and i told her that

she wrote me a long mean email and said i couldnt write back to it cause it is 'too much drama' well i wrote her bak cause i cant just let her say a bunch of lies and not write bak....
i havent heard back yet.. but im sure she's mad .. but i think it is mainly her prob.. idk.. but i know i am not perfect but she is not either.. i dont go and press her buttons, i could but im not like that..

we have both decided we cant be around each other anymore and she still insists that it is all me and 'I' have 2 get strait b4 she will be around me...grrrrrrrr

i cant stand drama,, now im worried she will try 2 do something 2 get my son taken from us cause she says shes 'worried about him' :0

idk what 2 do 2 me she seems 'out of control' i dont know what ive dont that is sooo bad 2 her!!!

please help me!
---inner----

May 9, 2010
7:55 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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What I did was ... Hard but necessary for me and for peace in our lives...I no longer speak to her...no email, no phone calls....no holidays.

Its sad...she is my only sister. But she hurts me...so I stay away. I am sorry inner...I know it hurts you.

May 9, 2010
9:11 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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You have to treat family members like you would a mean and hateful friend...its harder to do but the pain can be more lethal...

May 9, 2010
9:42 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((Inner)))

So sorry to hear this. It is so difficult when others push our buttons.

Take a deep breath and realize that you don't have to participate in this hateful behavior. If she is a bitch, ignore her. Don't comment, respond, defend yourself or otherwise acknowledge her existance unless she has treated you the way you want to be treated.

She obviousely wants you to get all worked up or she would respect your request to not go there. When you fight, yell or otherwise react to her, she wins and has taken control of the situation. If you walk away when she is a bitch, then you have control and are not subjected to her mistreatment and disrespect.

May 9, 2010
10:09 pm
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innerturmoil
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hi..
BFG and Chelonia!!

sorry bout that bfg,, im sure it is hard,, but im sure her mistreatment was harder,,
as it is 4 me 2...

u r right 'Chel' lol
does any1 call u that?? :}

thanks, i shoulda ignored her,,, but u know she was right across from me at the table and she said it she knew she would make me mad when she did.... cause ive told her not 2 say what she said anymore.. u r right, i gave her the control in that situation... :[ ... she was tryin 2 provoke me u r right, i just dont know why....

i hate this and she says im the crazy one when she provokes ME... :/

i guess we just cant b around each other and it is sad but.. i dont want my son 2 b around all that mess anymore.. he doesnt need 2 see his mommy get all worked up and upset like that ..

it is wierd tho, u know i have no issues like this with my brother, (my bro and sister r both younger than me) he is the youngest but he acts the most mature....(he is 28)

thanks for ur input, i just think until she figures out her prob we cant b around each other anymore!! :[

((((Bfg, Chel)))

May 10, 2010
6:56 am
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sexychoclady
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Thx for sharing everyone.I am learning some people are just no good for me.Instead of losing it just don't respond..That way, i don't become the person i don't really want to be..(lose cannon)

May 10, 2010
7:04 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I did this the other day in traffic...this agressive man kept beeping at me to turn when I couldn't...I felt bad cause I reacted with an fyou in front of my child and his...next time I am going to take my childs advice and pretend he is not there...

People want to provoke us...passive agressiveness...we need to keep our power.

May 10, 2010
11:20 am
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chinadoll
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Inner,

Sorry you had to go thru this with your sister. I had something similar happen between me and my cousin, and she has not spoken to me in 7 years. It makes me a little sad, because we used to be very close, but I figured out that my cousin is very emotionally immature, even though we are the same age (she just turned 41 and I will be 41 this summer).

My cousin has a sad life and she is miserable. She's had a lot of health problems (cancer, heart problems, diabetes--all in the 7 years she stopped talking to me). She has been married to an alcoholic for 15 years (they were together for 10 years before they got married, so she's been with him 25 years). My cousin never got a chance to finish college or do all the things she wanted to do in her life, because she did not want to leave her husband, or did not want to do anything that he did not agree with. My cousin is also a very jealous person. If someone has a nicer house or a better car, she gets very upset.

Not that my life has been perfect, far from it. But if I make an accomplishment, instead of being happy for me, she would have an attitude. So, it's better off that we don't talk. The last time we talked, I told her that I didn't appreciate she let her drunk husband drive us to church in bad weather. She waid it was none of my business, and I said it was because I was a passenger in their car, and if I would have known she was going to have him drive, I would have driven myself. Well, she had plenty of things to say, like I think I am Miss Perfect, and who makes me better than anybody, and I need to take off the rose-colored glasses.

She just wants someoene else to be as miserable as her. I'm sure that could be a lot of what your sister is trying to do. Maybe you guys just need to take a break from each other. I love my cousin, but I can't be around her. I still send her a birthday card and a Christmas card every year, but that's all. I get nothing back from her. I do it because that's something I do for everyone, and she is still family. I don't do it because I want something back from her. But I don't engage with her, because I won't stoop to her level. After everything that's happened to her, she still hasn't changed. She still hasn't grown up and probably won't. Her Mom (my Aunt) is 65, and she still hasn't grown up either.

May 10, 2010
11:59 am
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StronginHim77
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If you are capable of physical violence when provoked, you should reconsider seeking medically appropriate medication to help you. If you cannot control inappropriate verbal rage, this is something which may justify/require appropriate medication.

It certainly warrants professional counseling/therapy. I don't know if you have considered or tried professional counseling/therapy for some of these issues, but it might help you alot.

The dynamics of your relationship with your sister appears to be a "power struggle." Each of you wants power over the other. You tell her what NOT to say to you. She responds by saying EXACTLY what you asked her not to say. That is a clear demonstration of the power struggle between you, two...each trying to control the other. And nobody wins.

I would suggest that you take a step back from this toxic warfare. Stop the emails. Stop the texting or calls. Just stop all of it. Again, no one will win. No one is listening to what the other person is saying. Each of you is simply planning how best to "top" or "beat" the other with your next rebuttal.

Lay it down and walk away. YOU CANNOT WIN THIS. No one can.

It is also important that your child be protected from exposure to such violence, meanness and inappropriate speech and behavior. Violence and rage beget violence and rage. Is this what you want your child to be like? If your son is exposed to these behaviors, he will eventually take them on.

As an olde lady, I have also learned over my many years that most of the unpleasant things "enemies" have said to me usually contained a small grain of Truth. Although her "delivery" was clearly hurtful and inappropriate, some of her messages may contain some Truth. Be honest with yourself and search for the nuggets of Truth, then toss the rest into the Sea of Forgetfulness. Don't carry it around in your heart, till a root of bitterness towards her consumes you. That will only hurt YOU...not her.

Please get whatever medical support and counseling you can manage. Remember that this is not about you sister. You cannot fix or control her. But you CAN obtain help for yourself and have a better life for yourself and your son.

- Ma Strong

May 10, 2010
12:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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Nearly forgot...you began your posting by stating that you and your sister "got into it" AGAIN. There's the key word: AGAIN.

This means a pattern has been established. When you and your sister are together, warfare explodes.

This is serious. Time to address this unhealthy situation, before more damage is done, especially to your son and family members.

- Ma Strong

May 10, 2010
3:29 pm
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Hepburn
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Hi Inner!

Geez, well every time a situation arises like this, gives us an opportunity to see how we deal with it. Sometimes we just have to keep going through the same ol thing time after time after time until we finally GET IT.

I STILL react with certain things in my life too. And I'll get mad at myself for once again engaging with ________(fill in the blank).

It's a process. I've started practicing counting to 10 before I react (or even 5), but even then that doesn't always work. Try and practice not engaging with her on a smaller scale, until it becomes easier. That way when or if a bigger thing comes up you'll remember how you want to handle this person.

Just my opinion, but medicating yourself is a last resort unless it's really necessary. Mood Meds just cover up what the real problem is. I've gotten so angry that I've wanted to hit someone too. Ended up throwing an ashtray at him instead! Doesn't mean I needed to go on medication.

((((Inner))))

Love,

Hep

May 10, 2010
9:36 pm
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innerturmoil
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hi all,
thx for all the advice!
chinadoll sorry bout ur cousin... 🙁
thanks for sharing..

--MaStrong.. hi
just wanna say, i have got my anger under control (without meds) EXCEPT around my sister, i dread holidays/birthdays cause ill have 2 b around her, so im not gonna b around her even if i have 2 go without seeing my family on my birthday,,(it will b sad) but it is more sad for my son 2 c me react like that around her.!!!

anyway, i dont think i need any meds (accept maybe xanax) occasionally..

i was in therapy, but we came 2 an impass and i stil havnt resolved the issue she told me i need 2 so im not wasting my money until i can resolve that one thing and move past it...
---she even said it is no point 2 continue till i do--

Hi HEPBURN!! where u been friend??
i havnt been on here much either.. 🙂

thanks for the advice,,, if i counted 2 five that day i prob wouldnt have said what i said 2 her.. lol

but i didnt get into a 'real fight' with her eventho i felt like it at the time,,

she just has issues that she has 2 resolve about past things that she 'thinks' are true about me or whatever but they are NOT... anyway true...

so idk i guess the best thing is no more communication at all.

should i delete her from my facebook account??

thanks again every1
((((huggsss))))

May 11, 2010
8:13 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I do not know about fb...but I do agree there are some people who are clever in pushing buttons...that most would not be able to do or would want too.

I have to agree that meds are def a last resort...if its just her or a few random people...its not you...if its everyone...then well it is prolly you.

I speak from experience...I get along with most people...I am not physically violent as I tend to turn it on myself and take in the pain...

However my abusive birth family all band together and make me the family scapegoat...which is actually quite common in familys that have abuse issues.

All my life I blamed myself...with the help of a good friend and t I have come to see this what happens to abused children when they grow up...they are the family target...

I do not persume to know your life...but I do know how it feels to have family lash out at you...that is why I just keep my distance..

May 11, 2010
9:38 am
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Lanigirl
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Inner,

Glad you see it's not healthy for you or your boy to be exposed to nasty stuff. I'm just figuring out that just because someone is related, it doesn't mean we can get along. Actually, with my sick family dynamics, being family is probably a good reason that we don't like each other.

I know you said no counseling cause you're at an impasse. What about an AA or CODA meeting?

May 11, 2010
10:09 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I also had to call it quits for the sake of my child too, the poison they were spewing was hurting her as well...

Sometimes you have to do things you find hard cause you love your child and want what is best for them...

I been there and yes there are times I miss them but that is just the old me (victim) hoping to gain approval and love from people who have no idea what that ia...

Just cause she is family does not give her the right to hurt you...

May 11, 2010
4:01 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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And I could care less what truth my abuser said about me...I would not consider anything to b helpful
Coming out of their mouth....

May 11, 2010
5:20 pm
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Mugsie1.0
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Let it go. Maybe your sister is miserable and the only way for her to find any sort of pleasure is to incite drama and anger with you. I'd be willing to bet that as soon as you start to ignore her BS on a regular basis, she will find someone else to antagonize.

May 11, 2010
10:54 pm
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innerturmoil
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hi, all,,
hi Mugsie , nice 2 meet u...
i am 'letting it go' i realize the prob is hers now.. :/

hi Lani!.. yep i know its bad for my Son esp!! that is why im declaring 'no contact' with her for a long while!

u know, Mugsie, u have shed some new light for me,,
she always 'acts' happy and like she is so 'popular' and has all these friends,, but every weekend and every chance she gets she's drinking 'until she gets drunk' and partying like she is back in college(she is like 32) ,,idk..
but maybe she isnt drinking 'cause she loves 2 party' maybe she has alot of issues that noone knows about,,,(xcept maybe her live-in bf)
...

o yea, ty BFG.. ur right about anything coming from an 'abusers' mouth. which i think now that she is an 'abuser' toward me and she has been that way for a long time, and she's mad shes losing control over me!!!

she has an x bf and they were 2 gether for years, and she said he had an 'anger' prob and she made him take 'anger management' classes lol....he was one of the most laid back nicest guys ive known.. i think she did the 'same thing' to him... he prob only had the 'anger' problem with her!!!!

i think she and i need to 'hash this out' but not anytime soon!!!!

....i do love my sister but we just cannot get along and i dont love the way she acts!!!.....

thanks every1!
(huggsss)

May 12, 2010
4:02 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Your welcomed inner...oftewn times its not even us...its just that we are in their way and there...best thing to do is to just move away from them and they will find someone else to lash out at....good 4 you!

May 12, 2010
6:11 pm
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innerturmoil
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ha!
yeah ur right BFG,,, maybe she will start bein a '[email protected]@' 2 her BF!
idk how he puts up with her anyway!

gotta go clean my house!!!

-------

May 13, 2010
9:23 am
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innerturmoil
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hi, all
so i just realized i know NOTHING about my sisters live-in bf,,,,,,,,

she doesnt talk bout him (around me anyway) theyve been 2gether 4 awhile,,,, all i know is that he has a 'pitbull' named 'juice' and that he has some job where he works with roses-- yes flowers,,,,lol

theres NOTHIN about him on the internet his fb is Private...she has gotten worse 2 me since they got 2 gether
hmmmmmm

May 13, 2010
10:08 am
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innerturmoil
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DUH... i think i figured it out...

Her bfs dog! he is a pitbull...
he came around (my parents) house 1 time and i think my dad mustve said somethin 2 her bf not 2 bring that dog around, they have a dog and they dont want it around their dog or my son.. ...

so now her bf doesnt come round us cause (his doggy is not welcomed)
lol

and she is a very 'social' person and alot of her friends have kids and prob dont want the pitbull round them either,,,

(o yeah the argument has 2 do with dogs) ...

so she cant say anything to my parents and def not the BF about his doggy so she takes it out on me for some odd reason.. or whatever idk.. but im startin to get tired of it,,,
she treats me that way all the time since we were young and it stops now..
my parents are the biggest enablers ...they just always said 'that's just the way ur sister is' ... nothin we can do..
YES u could TALK to her and say that is not an accepted behavior here (or anywhere)! but i guess they never bothered 2 do that so shes been that way her whole life!

well not to me and def not around my son..

(((huggsss)))

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