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my sister is being emotionally and phisically abused...
March 15, 2006
6:23 pm
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karmapolice
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I dont know what to do, my sister has a leg bruised and she says she run into a table.

I know it was her husband, i dont know what to do, she said they were breaking up but she is no sure. I tried to talk to her today, but this afternoon her husband was arriving home with her all smiling.

WE live all in the same home with my parents, and they dont seem to do anything about it, is outrageous, what can i do, should i confront her husband?

i am so mad right know that i dont know if i will be able to talk to him without loosing it.

KP

March 15, 2006
7:07 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Nice to meet you, but sorry for your circumstances.

Karma.. IF you sister is not willing to do anything about this then in my honest opinion talking to him might make it worse on her. I came from an abused background, and if someone else knew he made sure I wasn't gonna tell again; if ya know what I mean.

I assume your folks own the house. You dad could tell him to stop or leave, but chances are she'd just go w/ him and then she would not have ya'll there if she needed you.

I am not trying to be so bleak. But unless she is ready to leave him then there really isn't much you can do. You might give her the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. If she would read it she could see there are others in her shoes also. That she is not alone. And could learn some things to do to avoid or lesson his behavior.

It is a very sad situation. I am so sorry to hear of anyone having to live in the fear she is in at this time.

Do keep posting. Maybe she would be interested in checking out some sites on codependency.

March 16, 2006
7:13 pm
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karmapolice
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tks alot mama

I just talked to my mom and she agrees on that if we kick him from the house and she goes with him it could get worse.

I just feel we are enabling him to abuse her, i wish there was something i could do.

My sister is a little bit more open about the situation lately but is hard to me to deal with her and pretend everything is fine.

I guess I am mad at her too, i know she is the victim but i am so mad.

I am not sure to give her things to read about abuse cause she tells everything to her husband i guess for his approval.

I just heard her husband even spies on me when i am with friends talking in my room....the environment is very sick...

I feel very angry and frutrated...

kp

March 16, 2006
7:52 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Karma:

I can understand your anger and frustration. I had alot of that w/ myself and possibly so does your sister. One day she will wake up to what he is doing and will be so sick and hurt and angry at herself and him. I'm sorry I must leave now, but just wanted to let you know I am here and praying for you both. Will write more later.

Stay strong. 🙂

March 17, 2006
1:37 am
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crazycathy
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I am so sorry for this ugly situation. I can see why you are angry with your sister too. Even though she is the victim she isn't taking actions to stop herself from being in a bad situation.

I've heard that in a lot of abusive relationships the reason the abused person doesn't want to leave their abuser is because they believe deep down that they deserve the abuse. They think that they did something to deserve the abuse and that the person hurting them doesn't really mean it, they just can't control themselves. They put themselves into a mindset that says that they are partly to blame for the abuse and that running away isn't fair or an option.

Try to talk with your sister about why she allows this to happen. Try to get through to her that no matter what she has or hasn't done, she doesn't deserve to be hit. Once she realizes that the situation is worse than she is allowing herself to see it as, she can take steps away from it.

March 17, 2006
10:02 am
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mamacinnamon
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Karma:

I would like to help you to maybe understand a little of where your sister may be and how she feels. I do not know her so I do not presume to tell you what she thinks. I am speaking of what I know a person in an abusive situation may feel.

There is alot of brainwashing that the abuser puts into the victim. They make you feel you don't deserve happiness; that you are bad; that you are unworthy; that your happiness depends on them. They take all your self-esteem away from you till you feel like you are nothing. They alienate you from your family and friends. They still take you to your folks to visit to show that something is wrong w/; that they think you are losing it. They make you look like this to any friends you might have also; usually they have run all your friends off.

You sister may feel ashamed, guilty, not want to have anyone say "I told ya so" if they did before. She may be afraid to leave him because of threats of him taking her children (if they have any) away or of hurting them or someone else in the family. She most likely is afraid of him. She may feel like he is the only one that will love her since he's brainwashed her into believing all kinds of things.

Your sister may not want to talk about it coz if she does then she may have to face what is actually going on. She may have fear of having to make it on her own. She may have a fear of disappointing her family.

There are alot of things she may be feeling. Valid or not they are her feelings and they are very real to her. She is probably trying to make him happy and put on an aire that things are great to avoid conflict because when he gets upset it will be her he takes it out on.

The best I know to do until she is ready to see the situation and want to get out is to be sure you tell her she is loved by you and your family. Be sure NOT to put her in a position of having to defend him. He may be telling her things like ya'll don't like him; ya'll don't love her; ya'll wouldn't take care of her if she did leave him; nobody will want her but him... There are so many things he could be telling her and even tho she knows in her heart they are not true, in her reality he is making them true.

Anyway, give her love, support, a shoulder to cry on if she feels like it. If he does something do not point it out to her in front of him. Maybe when you are alone w/ her pose whatever he did as a question. Example, "Did you see him do (or hear him say) _______ coz I thought I might have but I'm not sure". or "Why does he _______" or "Why did he say ______" things like that coz she will have to think. If she gives you an answer then a gentle "Is that how you want to be treated" or "Do you think that _____ is right coz I _________" Things that will make her think and not totally cut him down. Ask her opinion first and then give yours. And I want to stress again that cutting him down will only drive her to him.

I have pulled a post from the archives for you to read. It may be much more help and make more sense than what I have written. I feel I am not getting out what I need to be saying for some reason. So, my next post below this will be that archive. It is long, but please read it all.

Oh, and I or anyone else on the site is here for you to talk to about this or anything else you may want to talk about. 🙂

March 17, 2006
10:04 am
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How You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser Personality?

First, I would like you to know that when I say "abuser" in the above title, I may not be talking about obvious abuse, as in, physical violence or yelling and screaming. Passive/aggressive abuse can be just as deadly and is actually - more used by - people who are more advanced in the arena of........"charm"...... as I will speak of it here.

Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spiderweb in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. This personality that I refer to as charmer/abusive will be called the C.A. throughout the rest of this writing.

You need to view a C.A. as someone who probably does not have the same values as you - at all. They are a chameleon because it serves their purpose. They quickly "put on" whatever "you are" and "need" in order to - use you for whatever they need from you. They are, indeed, a great sales person. The kind that "does not" repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically - draws you closer and closer and closer very quickly. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life. There is opportunity here for life changes.

1. A C.A. looks for victims with the following characteristics: low self-esteem, a past with a lot of trauma, neediness, fairy tale type thinking, maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness (to some degree...), and a history of relationships with men that were not healthy.

2. They listen intently to you, as you, voluntarily tell them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams. They quickly assimilate from this - what kind of camouflage to weave "for you". You basically - tell them - what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you.....while erecting the man of your dreams right before your eyes.

3. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of "protector" and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain, at least in the beginning.... They look for the "red flashing lights" and become a ready-made ally for you in some way. If you are a single mother, he might all "too quickly" become super-dad, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect.

4. They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. C.A.'s know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere. C.A.'s know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug of comfort for you. It's almost like heroin for some women who have been sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant "microwave push-button" sort of way - that they are wanted, worthy and valuable. Of course, this is so very far from the truth. But, it works. It works very well. And C.A.'s know that whatever radar you did have going on - will now be majorly - disconnected. Kind of like the burglar who snips all the wires to the phone and the electricity before entering the home to steal the valuables.

5. He listens to what you tell him about - how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don't recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then never berates you like the other boyfriend did by always flying off the handle, but might take a more quiet and passive route of doing it. He may just drop little hints - constantly, but in such a way that you can't really call him on it. It just becomes the continual dripping faucet in your life. He's always calling you when you're supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of - are you really alone? But, it's just really hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn't really blatant about it in your book. This is "blatant", but "you don't recognize it as that". This is the important thing to see here. He will take advantage of your "cloudiness" here and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it - for what it is.

6. C.A.'s will capitalize on your need - to be needed in their life. And you are needed by them. Otherwise, they would not be reeling you in. They know that you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be "needed" by them. And.....they do need you, for something - for a season. So, consequently, in their mind - it's a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you. Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a - fair trade. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you - whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it's like any other sales contract. If you don't read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it's "buyer beware" and tough luck. A deal's a deal. You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But.....your projection, regardless of how much you believe it.....doesn't ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale.

Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need - to be sold - to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. They are larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically - using a child's mind. If they betrayed you, abandoned you, rejected you, or assaulted you in any way - you are apt to make excuses for them because you need them in your life in some way. A grown-up version of this - will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and you constantly second-guess your own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. You will just automatically think and feel with your little girl mind in this scenario of having a man in your life. Whereas in other areas of your life - you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible. You will not always do this - if you will allow yourself to learn - why you do what you do and how to gradually prevent it. It took time to lay down the foundation of what is unhealthy in your life. It will take time to rip it up and replace it with what is good and constructive. Again, time is your friend.

7. C.A.'s need for you to quickly put them into your inner circle - whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soulmate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as - being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where you "really live" kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial! Think about this one - very hard. It is one of the worst "snags" that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately withdrawn. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc. And "poof" you're sucked in hook, line and sinker. Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you - the best. And why wouldn't they? A predator - knows his victims - very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. That's why I write things like this. We need to "study them" as well. It's called - playing "offense" instead of "defense". Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do "their homework" regarding "you". Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake of character as you are quick to forgive them over and over and over again.

8. C.A.'s do NOT respect you as as a person - at all....BUT....they will go great lengths to convince you - that they do. They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Just remember here that I use the word "quickly" a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you're wonderful and all that - isn't necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens - very, very quickly. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click - if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck. Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run - take time. C.A.'s don't have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and "get charmed", so this ball game can get underway! That's the way they look at it. They are counting on - your need to get instantly stroked all the way around - as their "in". This is your blind side and they go right for it. "Make her feel like a princess early on and she will eat out of your hand".

9. They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It's called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to - how much she is needed by a man. They are basically saying to you - "here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I'm waiting..." And that's just what an abuse victim loves to hear.....and C.A.'s deeply know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic.

10. C.A.'s hit you hard and heavy. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise with - just have to be with you because I can't get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of "what you need them to be". It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need to be tuned into - just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time. Like any teacher in any classroom - they have to have your undivided attention in order to "teach you" what they want you to learn. So, they don't want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else's read on them. Someone who isn't blind to them - will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that "cloudy zone" as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically and are providing them with what they need so you feel very validated and valued. They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard - you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood - in order to keep this realm of "importance" that you've got going on here. They count on you - to do just that. They load the gun for you and "you" pick it up and use it. That way - their hands are clean. You did their dirty work - for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most. Precisely, my dear Watson.

I said all that to say this.......Time is your friend, use it wisely. If there is one thing that is going to serve you well in the arena of protection - it is to hesitate, step back, go more slowly than you usually do. Read this writing often and "think" about what is going on - while it is going on.

If you see at anytime - this is happening - you do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off. C.A.'s are absolutely great at convincing you - that you owe them this. As if, they are some powerfully important figure in your life. If they are doing this to you, they are obviously NOT important to you and should not be have that title - as you are leaving the relationship.

I don't know how many times I see this and it is the killer snag that eventually pulls them back into the web. And I've seen women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away. But, the quick snap of this rubberband - is profound. We say we are walking away, but they interpret this to mean - we want to be talked back into it. Why? Because we still talk to them. We get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when, etc., etc. They put US on trial - for what they did! We feel like we owe them all this. Whether we like it or not, we are giving great power to someone who does not consider our best interests at all. A person who respects you might ask for clarification to a degree, just so they understand you and then - that's it. They have enough self-respect for themselves and for you to listen to what you said and think you meant it.

By your continuing need to engage with them - tells them - you don't mean a word you say when it comes to boundaries. It means nothing to them now. You may have barked at them, but that's about it. You're back in the ring trying to validate your assessment of things with the very person that did it to you in the first place. So, you are putty in their hands - simply because you walked back out onto the dance floor. Whatever respect you imagined them to have for you - is now completely and absolutely gone. You are definitely "prey" to them now. And they toy with you at will, because you have given them that power over you. They are putting a lot of trust in the fact that - you do not trust your own judgement. If you need to constantly talk to them about why you thought this or that or got hurt about whatever - they instantly know that you don't trust yourself. A confident woman would just call it and that would be the end of it. Some discussion would be allowed, but she would trust her own mind and her own feelings and would not feel compelled to get it validated from the direction those hurts came from in the first place.

It sounds crazy when you really look at it like this. That you would want validation from the very person that hurt you, that affirms you made a sound judgement. Hm,m,m....so, like are we going to get that validation from this person? I would venture to say the odds of that happening are greatly stacked against you. But, this goes back to why you look like such easy prey to them. Oftentimes, if you happen to be a victim of incest, particularly - then so many times the man in your life is going to represent your father to you. So, if he has assumed the position and you have put a lot of trust in him early on - you are going to treat him like a father would be treated. You will give him this respect and position of power and authority over you - because that is what your little girl that you used to be - would do regarding the man in her life back then. And since you put this man in that super powerful position - the hardest person in the world to convince that a mistake has been made - is you, the victim. After all, they have "first chair" with us. We have to work it out, make it fit, or change it somehow. What I want to know is - how can someone who has known you for such a short time - have enough clout and importance in your life - to be allowed the right to speak louder and with more authority over the person who knows you best? And that person - is you, btw.

C.A.'s will storm your gates in the beginning and in the end. They will initially storm your gates with quick flattery, comradery, and empathy. In the end they will storm your gates with insults, total disrespect and will look like someone you do not know at all. They will hit your gates hard and heavy with whatever works - when you decide to walk away. If trying to get you to give them a computer printout on how you arrived at your conclusion and talking it to death doesn't work - then they will storm your gates and bust every boundary as quickly as you can erect it. However, if they are not getting what they want - they will hit you hard, but not forever. There are more fish in the sea. So, do not move your boundaries - one inch. Say what you mean and mean what you say - consistently and absolutely and you don't owe anyone - an explanation - as to why!

C.A.'s are spoiled brats. They respect nothing and no one. They count on you not being able to forgive yourself - for making a completely wrong assessment of - who they were or who you thought they were. That is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you. If you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say - I made a mistake and walk away from it - they will have you for dinner - a second time around, and a third and a fourth time....until....."they don't need you".... anymore.

It's high time - you learn how to live - offensively and be in control of your own life. It's called - Learning to live - Pro-active for your own well-being. A predator is completely turned off by anyone that lets time be their friend. So, if you want to know who a person is that you may be suspect of - just hold them at arm's length for awhile. Make them wait - for everything. The person who is genuinely interested in you - won't push. And they won't try and dazzle you in any way. They will........wait. If they don't do this and you jump.......you are in for - a ride. Just know it up front and put on your seat belt.

Just always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational - just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life.........they are not this godlike image of what your father was or should have been. They are - what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it. Please give yourself permission to see it - just like it is - with your adult mind, not your little girl mind. Super heroes - are fairy tales. Real villains - can do much damage while wearing - superman's cape. In fact - they can get away with anything and everything. Do not give them that power. Take your power back. What is real and true and good for you - will come by way of......you believing you have the right - to choose and not be chosen. Prey is "chosen" by the predator.

You will become more mature in these areas, by educating - your little girl and helping her to grow up. She got stuck back there somewhere and who could blame her? I wouldn't. But, you can take her by the hand and teach her, so that the voice you listen to - isn't a little girl's cries and screams for that one special man to love her. It will be the voice that says - I am wiser and older. I know what I want and what I don't want. I know where I'm vulnerable and where I am strong. My radar is up and running and I am doing the choosing, not the other way around. I am in control of my life.

I wish you peace and I hope you want that as well. The glass is half full and on the table in front of you. It's time for..........."you". And if people don't support you in this along the way - ditch them. They were never in your court to begin with and it's better they sent you a red flag - so that you know who they are now. Right? Just smile and say - thank you very much, I needed that piece of information about "who you are".

(post by Ladeska 10/03)

March 17, 2006
3:28 pm
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karmapolice
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tks you all, I am just online for a minute but will download all this and read it tonight.

I¢¥ve been pretty busy cause I start a new teaching job on monday but still feelling down and overwhelmed.

Tks mama and all

I¢¥ll be back tomorrow

KP

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