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my secret shame
June 3, 2006
9:38 pm
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rmckayx2
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Initially I would consider my metrosexual lifestyle being my secret shame. Body lotion, scented candles and questionable tastes in TV shows. No. My real secret shame is a woman I haven't spoken to or seen in over a year.

I wish I could find a way to let go of this person and the drama it created. Im sure a few of you have gone through this stuff. Replaying arguments over and over in your head. Still fanaticizing about a particular person even though the relationship was far from respectful or mature. I feel so much unresolved angst over this person I haven't been able to move on. I beat myself now for staying in the scenario as long as I did. There are a million things I wish I wanted to say and didn't. Im angry at myself for being unable to stick to any type of personal boundaries when I am in the presence of someone else in peril. It's no wonder I have such a hard time trusting my decisions. Im trying to be constructive and look at this as a learning experience- but I feel deflated. Humiliated. With egg on my face. Suckered. Im not sure there's a constructive way to deal with this anger. There's history of physical and emotional abuse in my family- and im' trying to find better ways to vent this kind of rage I feel for this person. The kind of unfinished business I have with this woman- I worry about it affecting any other intimate relationships. (if I ever have one again)

I understand I am leaving quite a bit of information out of this post. This woman was bi-polar. About ten years younger than me. We dated a while ago- though I turned into the "nice guy" that she would call after her relationships or flings with other men went sour. This hurt my feelings. If for no other reason than it belittled all the nice things I tried to do for this person. This woman was from an alcoholic family. Sexually abused. She had lost a brother from suicide. Being from an alcoholic family myself, I tried distancing myself from this person sexually so I could find ways to be supportive. In my attempts to provide something more reliable and consistent, I tolerated an incredible amount of BS. Without skyrocketing expectations I might add. This woman used sexual tension to keep me interested and involved. That and a steady stream of drama. About a year ago I changed my phone and e-mail address. Specifically to get away from this situation. I hear she's engaged and in love with someone else. Good for her. Though I distanced from her physically- I still think about her and the mess that was created on a daily basis. I would love to date someone else and not think about her anymore. This was the kind of relationship that stripped me of all confidence and ego. Worse. Back when the two of us were speaking terms I could sense she knew it and enjoyed the power.

I don't think I am being idealistic. I just want to spin this situation in some way that I didn't consider the past two years not only a waste- but a reversal of all the things I worked so hard for in my relationships. I want to find some way to let this resentment go.
Anyone empathize- please post.

June 3, 2006
9:58 pm
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mamac
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September 24, 2010
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read- [help new and confused,]
I dont think she will mind. She is dealing with bipolar boyfriend. Listen hun, it is okay to be the nice guy.
Bipolar people are master manipulators. Maybe it will help you to read the thread I suggested. It is not your fault at all! It is okay to be angry, be more angry at the disorder not the person because they cant help it. My mother was schitzophrenic and the two dideases alwomst alike, I will not go into all of it again because you will read about it if you read that thread. just scroll down youll see it. Maybe you can help her to she is still going through it.
And by the way nothing wrong with a metrosexual. Hey why cant men do things to fell good to dammet. I am a woman and I think its okay.So I say bring out the bath oil, and candles, and body lotion, its your life do what makes you feel good!!!!

June 4, 2006
12:40 am
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glittered when he walked
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I used to think shame and guilt were the same until someone pointed out to me that guilt is feeling bad over something we've donw, whereas guilt is feeling bad over who we are.

all you can really do is to learn and grow...make the best of things. So you made a mistake...everyone does. Don't get too down on yourself. Keep writing it out...speak w/ a friend. sometimes we love poeple who aren't good for us...think of the courage it took for you to remove her from your equation. That took great strength. I hope in time your catharsis is complete.

June 4, 2006
7:42 am
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taj64
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September 30, 2010
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Hello. I would like to meet a man like you that takes good care of himself and likes candles.

It is indeed strange where in life we always feel a continuous open wound from a destructive relationship. Why is it that the ones that are completely healthy ones that we barely remember through the years and the one that breaks our heart still stays strong in our mind as if unfinished business. Maybe the answer is so that when we do get in healthy relationship, we have a way of remembering this destructive relationship and try to take the lesson in that. I know for me, I still have a hard time getting the ex out of my mind and it has been almost a year since I have actually seen him. It is still with me very fresh. I am sure he doesn't sit around and think of me. I was terribly burned so I think the advice is pretty much what everyone else says and that is to make the best of what you have. My motto is to always move forward and not backward. I know I cannot actually go back to the relationship but it is harder to forget it.

My favorite candle scent is vanilla.
Hug, TAJ

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