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my prince hurt and betrayed me
October 11, 2004
4:05 pm
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brownie
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BROWNIE
11-OCT-04

ME AND MY HUSBAND MET BACK IN 1982,THE SAME YEAR MY GRAND FATHER DIED AND THE YEAR BEFORE HIS LITTLE SISTER DIED,SHE WAS ONLY 15 YEARS OLD.HE HAD STRONG FAMILY ISSUES THEN AND SO DID I.I WAS IN AND OUT OF SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS,LOOKING FOR THE FATHER FIGURE.I HAVE ISSUES WITH VERBAL ABUSE WITH MY MOTHER AND SEXUALLY AND PHYSICAL ABUSE FROM MY STEPFATHER.MY MOTHER TOLD LIES AND HELD SECRETS ABOUT MY REAL DAD.SO MY MOTHER ALWAYS MISTREATED ME BY FAVORING MY LITTLE SISTER OVER ME.MY HUSBAND AT THAT TIME WAS MY BOYFRIEND STEPPED IN AND RESCUED ME.HE HATED THE WAY MY MOTHER TREATED ME AND HATED MY STEPFATHER.NOW HE HAD TOLD ME EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS LIFE.I MET HIM FROM HIS SISTER IN HIGH SCHOOL.WE WERE CLOSE FRIENDS IN THE BEGINNING,BUT SHE CHANGED AND STARTED ACTING WILD.SHE HAD INTRODUCED 4 OF HER FRIENDS TO HER BROTHER AND SHOWED A PICTURE OF THEM AND DID NOT LIKE THEM EXCEPT FOR ME.SURPRISINGLY SHE SHOWED A PICTURE OF ME.SHE NEVER HAD SAID I WAS HER CLOSEST FRIEND,SO I GUESS I CAUGHT HIS EYE.I ALSO ALWAYS CONSIDERED MYSELF TO BE UGLY AND DID NOT THINK I COULD ATTRACT GOOD LOOKING GUYS.WAS I SHOCKED.MY HUSBAND LIKED ME,I HAD WENT TO THEIR HOUSE, MY FRIEND TOOK ME AGAIN SURPRISINGLY TO SEE HER BROTHER.I DID NOT THINK HE WAS GONNA LIKE ME.HE DID.HE HAS A HUGE FAMILY AND I WAS VERY SHY AND STILL IS.HE WAS A FISHERMAN AT THAT TIME.HE WOULD GO WHENEVER HE WAS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HIS FAMILY.BOTH HIS PARENTS WERE ALCOHOLIC AND HE WAS THE OLDEST OUT OF 10 KIDS ,2 HAD DIED HE HAD A LITTLE BROTHER THAT DIED AT 2 YEARS OLD.HIS FATHER OWNED A COUPLE OF BUSINESSES AND BLEW IT UP ON DRINKING AND DRUGS.MY HUSBAND HAD TO BE THE HUSBAND AND FATHER TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY.EVEN TO THIS DAY,THEY STILL RELIES ON HIM.HE WAS SMOKING MARIJUANA ALREADY WHEN I MET HIM.HE SAID HE TOOK OTHER DRUGS WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER,BUT STAYED WITH MARIJUANA AT THAT TIME.HE WENT TO JAIL AT 15.HE'S BEEN THROUGH ALOT.HE DID NOT HAVE A DIPLOMA,HE HAD TO DROP OUT OF SCHOOL TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY.I HELPED HIM GET HIS GED.I ALSO HAVE TO ADMIT SOMETHING,AND THAT IS I WAS SORT OF ABUSIVE TO HIM BY SLAPPING HIM ALOT AND I DID NOT REALIZE WHY,AND THAT I WAS CODEPENDENT.THEN LATER ON HE GOT ON CRACK AND ALCOHOL AND I STRUGGLED WITH HIS ABUSE AND STEALING FROM ME.HE WOULD ALWAYS WANTED ME TO COME OVER TO TALK TO HIM WHILE HE WAS ON CRACK.THAT WAS A REAL NIGHTMARE FOR ME BECAUSE CRACK IS LIKE A DEMON DRUG.THEY BECOME SO POWERFUL AND THEY CAN TAKE PAIN.HE HAD DID SOME STUPID THINGS WHILE BEING ON CRACK.I RATHER NOT MENTION NOW BUT I WOULD HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM TALK ALL NIGHT WHILE SMELLING THAT NASTY CRACK SMELL.I WAS ALSO VERY MESSED UP.I REALLY DID NOT KNOW MYSELF AND WHAT I WAS DOING TO ME.I WAS CARETAKING MY HUSBAND STUFF.IN 1987,HE WANTED ME TO COME OVER TO HIS HOUSE,AND HIS MOTHER WAS THERE AND SISTER AND BROTHER,ALL HIS FAMILY AT THAT TIME ALWAYS ACCUSED ME OF MAKING HIM GET ON DRUGS,WHEN IT WAS HIM THAT GOT ON.HE HAD HIT ME CONSTANTLY THAT DAY.HE JUST WENT OFF AND I ALMOST GOT KILLED.HE JUST KEPT SLAPPING ME AND SLAPPING ME.PEOPLE THOUGHT HE HAD PUNCHED ME BECAUSE THEY SAW A BIG BRUISE ON MY RIGHT EYE,BUT IT WASN'T.SO THAT MIGHT HAD BEEN A DOSE OF MY OWN MEDICINE.WE WERE SEPARATED FOR 4 MONTHS,I COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.SO WE GOT TOGETHER IN 1988.I GOT BAPTIZED THAT YEAR AND WE HAD OUR FIRSTBORN IN MARCH OF 1989,THEN WE GOT MARRIED IN MAY 2 MONTHS AFTER,NOW MAY I MIND YOU HE WAS ON AND OFF OF DRUGS.THERE WERE TIMES HE BE OFF FOR 2 MONTHS AND I'D THINK HE FINISH TAKING DRUGS AND BANG HE'S ON IT AGAIN.I HAD TO MARRY HIM BACAUSE I DID LOVE HIM BUT MAINLY I HAD JUST GOT BAPTIZED AND DID NOT WANT TO HAVE A CHILD OUT OF WEDLOCK,LIKE ME.HE LOVED ME TOO,SURPRISINGLY,BECAUSE HE IS VERY WEIRD.HE THOSE KIND OF MEN THAT ARE UNPREDICATBLE AND HE IS A LONER TOO LIKE ME.HE WAS ALWAYS DEPRESSED.WE BOTH WERE VERY COMPATIBLE.THERE WERE TIMES HE DID WORKED AND THERE WERE TIMES HE DID NOT WAMT TO WORK.I HAD TO GET HIM TO GO.HE USE TO COME ON MY JOB AND THREATENED TO COME UPSTAIRS AT MY JOB TO GET MONEY FOR HIS DRUG AND I HAD TO GIVE IT TO HIM.HE STOPPED TAKING DRUGS AT THE END OF 1989,HE SIGNED HIMSELF TO A REHAB FOR 6 MONTHS.BEFORE THAT HE ALMOST DIED.HE HAD SEIZURES.HE USED TO TALK FUNNY WHEN HE WAS ON IT AND HE HAD A LUNG COLLAPSED PARTIALLY.SO BASICALLY HE GOT OFF DRUGS,BECAUSE HE WAS SCARED.HE WAS NOT READY TO DIE.SO HE'S BEEN SOBER FOR 14 YEARS AND THINGS GOT WORSE BETWEEN US,BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY,IT HAPPEN ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO.LET ME FIRST MENTION THE GOOD THINGS HE USED TO DO AFTER HE GOT OFF.HE'D GO TO HIS MEETINGS,HELPED ME WITH THE KIDS WE HAVE 3 NOW,BUT WITH THE FIRST 2,GO TO WORK AND SUPPORTS US,GAVE ME ALLOWANCE,BELIEVED IN GOING FOR THERAPY.WE HAD WENT OVER THE YEARS AND IT REALLY WORKED.CONTINUED TO TELL ME HE LOVED ME EVERYDAY,EVEN BEFORE HE GOT ON CRACK.HE ALWAYS BROUGHT ME GIFTS OVER THE YEARS,EVEN THOUGH HE STOLE IT.SO WHEN HE WAS SOBER,HE WOULD GIVE ME FLOWERS AND A CARD.I FORGOT TO MENTION,I HAD TO STOP WORKING AFTER I HAD MY FIRST CHILD BECAUSE I HAD NO BABYSITER AND I LATER GOT SICK AND STILL IS.I ALSO SUFFER DEPRESSION AND SUFFERS MIGRAINES AND ANXIETY.RECENTLY HAD A STOMACH OPERATION AROUND 2000.THAT WAS WHEN MY HUSBAND HAD WORRIED ABOUT ME.HE WAS NOT TAUGHT TO SEE A PERSON IN PAIN.THERE WER TIMES HE WOULD IGNORE ME TO TRY NOT TO SEE ME IN PAIN BUT IT GOT TO HIM AND HE WOULD ASK ME AM I ALRIGHT.HE TOOK ME TO MIAMI THAT SAME YEAR BEFORE I HAD MY OPERATION.MY HUSBAND ALSO WAS A WORRIER AND PARANOID ALOT.HE HAD ALSO TOLD ME ABOUT CODA.GOD HAD TOLD HIM TO TELL ME I GUESS,BECAUSE IT REALLY CHANGED MY LIFE.SO THOSE WERE THE THINGS HE USED TO DO,NOW I DON'T KNOW HIM ANYMORE.PLEASE EXCUSE ME,I MIGHT HAVE LEFT OUT SOME INFORMATION OUT.I TEND TO FORGET ALOT NOW.EVEN WHEN I GO TO MEETINGS AND TALK,I WIND UP FORGETTING TO SAY SOMETHING,SO I'M SURE IS THE SAME THING NOW.BUT FOR THE BAD THINGS NOW,HE DOES NOT TELL ME HE LOVE ME,HE STOPPED GIVING ME ALLOWANCE,HE DOES NOT GO TO HIS MEETINGS THAT MUCH NOW.OUR THIRD CHILD WAS BORN IN 2001 AND HE ACT LIKE HE DOES NOT WANT TO PLAY WITH HER AND THE KIDS AS MUCH.HE WILL TAKE THE BABY TO THE STORE WITH HIM BUT HE STILL CONTINUES TO ACT DISTANT AND STRANGE ACTING.HE DOES SPITEFUL THINGS WHEN I'M MAD AT HIM.IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN,BECAUSE HALF THE TIME I DON'T KNOW HIM.LIKE FOR THE PAST YEAR,WE LOSE OUR APARTMENT.I'LL EXPLAIN THAT LATER.SO HE'S BEEN SO DISTANT WANTING TO BE ALONE TO HIMSELF.NOT WANTING TO GET WITH ME.HE'S BEEN TELLING ME FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS THAT HE WANTS US TO BE FRIENDS.I CAN'T BE HIS FRIEND AND WERE MARRIED PLUS I'M GETTING OVER HIM WHICH IS GOOD.I BEEN IN SO MUCH PAIN OVER HIM THESE PAST MONTHS AND YOU CAN'T LET GO OF SOMETHING THAT EASY.WE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 21 YEARS AND WE THROUGH ALOT TOGETHER.I CAN'T CHANGE HIM PEOPLE THINK I COULD,BUT I TRIED THAT WHEN HE WAS ACTIVE AND SUFFERED FOR IT.I ACCEPTS IT AND WHEN I GET READY TO LEAVE HIM,LIKE I TRIED TO GET A LEGAL SEPARATION,I GAVE HIM THE FORM AND HE WOULD SIGN IT THE WRONG WAY,THEN WENT AND GOT DIVORCE PAPERS AND THE FACT I AM TRYING TO BE A CHRISTIAN,WE KNOW HOW GOD FEELS ABOUT PEOPLE GETTING DIVORCES.SO I AM IN BONDAGE.I BEEN KEEPING THE FOCUS ON MYSELF AND MY KIDS,BUT AT THE SAME TIME RIGHT NOW I STAY AT HIS FATHER'S HOUSE AND HE'S THERE ALSO,SO WE DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT TIMES.OVER THE YEARS WE ALWAYS HAD CONFLICTS ABOUT LITTLE STUPID THINGS THAT COULD BE AVOIDED.SO GOD COULD BE PUTTING US THROUGH A TEST.I STILL LOVE HIM AND I MAY HAVE TO BE PATIENT.THAT'S THE MAIN LESSON FOR ME NOW THIS PAST YEAR.PATIENCE!!!!SO I AM GONNA STOP BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF I'M SUPPOSE TO WRITE THIS MUCH.I'M STILL NEW TO THE THREAD.I'LL WRITE MORE LATER ON.

October 11, 2004
8:49 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Long posts are okay. It is kind of hard to read with all capital letters, though.

October 12, 2004
9:48 am
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Anonymous
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SO I AM IN BONDAGE

sweetie, that is the summation, no matter what went on. I've had the same feeling and am in the situation where I have to fight to keep my sanity and independence everyday. When was the last time you felt free? Emotionally and physiccally free that is. Not worried about him calling, what your supposed to be doing, who your with is approved, etc etc. I know for me getting that feeling back after a long time, even though it lasted one night the first time, has kept me going and pushed me to find the strength to do what I need to do to go with my life for MYSELF. Much luck, keep posting and as much as you want. (the capital letters are hard to read though)

October 12, 2004
3:54 pm
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CAMER
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hi Brownie, I just read your other post on how hurt you were to the above responses...but to understand, this site generally does not allow all CAPS IN WRITING, cuz it means you are shouting. I do not think anyone meant to hurt your feelings.

As to your above post, have you and your hubby tried any marriage counseling?? or talking with a priest or pastor on the problems you are going thru?? do you think by any chance your hubby may have started using drugs again, for acting the way he is??? or is there something that is bothering him?? have you tried to talk with him??? I do wish you the best, you have been married for a long time, and hope that you can work thru this with him.

October 12, 2004
8:35 pm
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brownie
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thanks camer,i really appreciate your honesty also.i have seen you in other posts and you are a very nice person and everyone else in this site is nice.i intend to write this over in small letters.i did not know that it had to be in small letters.i am still new to this site.as for my husband camer,i am so hooked on him.

i been doing good trying to get over him,but i live here with him,me and my kids.we had went to therapy in the past and he was very interested,but then he did not want to go anymore.

what i think it was was that the therapist hit a nerve about his past.he's in alot of denial.he does not like facing his past issues,it's too painful for him.so in the meantime,we can't relate anymore because he continues to live in the past.it's like he's scared for us to be together but yet before i moved in,he would ask my daughter about me.i can also tell if he's taking drugs again or not.so i don't know what's going on with him.

we have tried to talk several times and he made it clear that he wants us to be just friends.he mentioned at one time another that we could go out sometimes,but he's lying about it.he always have said something and never practiced what he preached.also another thing,when i don't feel like talking to him in the house and i want to be in silent treatment,he gets disappointed about it.he don't like when i'm upset with him,but yet he can't understand or try to communicate with me.he'll do it for a little while,then he gets up and walks away being afraid to face something

i thank you so much for being concern camer.i have went to coda meetings and discussed it with the group and basically all i can do is wait upon god and to keep the focus on myself and our kids.

October 12, 2004
9:01 pm
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CAMER
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Brownie, wow you have a good outlook and attending Coda meetings is great, I have been going for almost 3 years and love the meetings. This site to is a blessing in my life, such caring people, and we all deal with the same issue of codependency.

I am glad you are keeping the focus on yourself and kids, I know it may seem hard, cuz you probably want your hubby to act a certain way and do certain things, but remember we cannot change anyone, only ourselves.
I do wish your hubby would open up more about his past and maybe face his demons and then maybe he could work thru alot of this, including the marriage issues. Being a true believer in marriage, Brownie, I feel for you, knowing how much you love him....and the only thing you can do is hope that he get the help needed to fix himself. Sometimes its good to "Let Go & let God" and do what you can for yourself and God will take care of the rest.

FYI, just wanted to let you know about the CAP LETTERS, they ARE allowed if you want to SHOUT SOMETHING OUT, but usually if you post a thread its best to do it in small letters, easier to read. So if you ever need to SCREAM or SHOUT by all means USE CAP'T LETTERS.

Brownie, I wish you the best and my thoughts and prayer are with you and your children, and I do hope you get much support from this group as you do at your Coda meetings.

(((((hugs to you)))) Camer

October 12, 2004
11:10 pm
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brownie
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camer,you and the rest of the site are such wonderful people and believe me when i say this,that you and the thread are truly a blessing to me.whenever i'm not able to go to a meeting,i can just come and talk to your.that goes for you and the rest of the thread.we need to help and encourage one another.

i was just talking to some people from this site just a little while ago and explained how much your have made my day.i don't feel hurt anymore and feel i'm gonna be alright,especially i'm meeting people that are in coda and that are positive healthy people.

like my husband,he used to be positive,but then he changed.i think also camer it could be from his family.they never did wanted us to be together,especially his mother.he's her favorite.ever since she seen us got closer and closer over the years,she disliked me more and more and his sisters too.so i never really had enough support from no one in my family and not his either.

like you said it right camer,let go and let god.i have to wait on the lord to show me what he wants me and my husband to do.i'm thinking maybe it's another reason why i'm here with him,me and my kids.god could be trying to show me or both of us something.time will tell.

it's one day at a time.i really feel so great with all the support you gave me camer and the rest of the thread friends.all HUGS to you too always.

October 13, 2004
6:58 am
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CAMER
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((((awwww Brownie))) you are so sweet, and yes, this AAC group is great!! I joined back in March of 2004 and love this site, never knew there could be help so close, and never knew that i was "NOT ALONE"....i used to think I was the only coda person out there, not true.

I love your attitude, Brownie, and it must suck having your hubby's parents not treating you the way they should. It must be hard, esp. with your hubby being the favorite.
Just keep focusing on you, and yes
God is watching over you and your family and hopefully things will work out for the best.

Keep posting, I am always here for you.

((((((lotsa hugs and support)))))
camer

October 14, 2004
12:27 am
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brownie
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that is really beautiful what you said camer.i feel like your my closest friend,which you are.i'm sorry i did not come on earlier, but i was sick.migraines bothering me again.i just checked on tonight.i will talk to you tomorrow lord willing and if i feel better.i have some more juicy stuff to tell you and you can tell me to what your going through.my ears are always available to hear and listen.hugs to you camer!!!!!

October 14, 2004
9:42 am
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CAMER
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hi brownie...i hope you are feeling better today being a lil' sick with migranes...So are things any better with your hubby right now??? or is he still mad and/or not talking???

Hope to hear from you whenever you feel comfy.

"let go & let God"

((((hugs to you brownie))))

love, camer

October 14, 2004
3:13 pm
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brownie
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hi camer,things are still the same.i feel better so far.whenever my period is on,i tend to get the menstrual headaches.also i have different other types of headaches.but as far as my husband,i don't understand him at all.he is more and more unpredictable.camer,tell me something,do you know anyone that's been on drugs before and been off for awhile? like if you do,are they still the same person or not.

do they act worst or nicer.because i really feel i lost my bestfriend.i feel god has sent me my soulmate. we been through alot together over the years and ever since we lost our apartment last year,he's got worst.

see this was the situation.we were living together and we was experiencing problems from the landlady for a couple of years.she wanted us out,so she could have her daughters move in the apartment we were in.it was a private house.the landlord,her husband liked us but he was scared of her,for what reason i don't know.but he left the states and gave the place to her.i think it was jealousy camer.we been experiencing that for a long time.

so i wanted to break up with my husband 2 years ago.i was tired,overwhelmed and drained of the relationship.i had even put him out when i was pregnant with my third child.we was always arguing and he was always controlling,but i realized camer that whenever you are under alot of stress,you can't think straight at all,especially when someone is always there to keep you upset all the time.like the landlady.

i can somewhat see why i been sick over the years from stress from people,also i was very codependent and so was he.we lived there for 8 years and my kids missed the place so much.but we had intended to move around 1998,i did not renew my lease. me and my husband looked for apartments on foot.we was trying so hard to look for an apartment.it's a nightmare.

so when we left,we still did not get an apartment,so we had to come stay at his father's house which is not so far from where we lived.also double trouble,his sister lives right across the hall from his father.it's an apartment building.he only has 1 bedroom.it's small here.we was arguing like crazy last year and we stayed here 6 months last year,his father stayed with his wife.my husband stayed,we went into a shelter.that did not work out.they found us ineligible for permanent shelter because they send investigators to the last place you stayed at and they ask them questions and comes to visit

i will finish up when i come back.it's my daughters birthday and i have to pick her up from the bus and take her to mcdonalds.i'll talk to you more about this later.it's long story anyway.hugs camer.

October 14, 2004
3:44 pm
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CAMER
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hi Brownie ((happy b'day and hugs to your daughter!!!)))) its seem like you are getting mentally drained from all that you have been thru.

My last relationship was 3.6 years long with an active alcoholic, and when he was not drinking, he was very edgy and didn't quite actually act normal...its hard for me to understand, cuz being with him for 3.6 years and only seeing him sober for a total of 3 months, and always ending up on a bender, it was hard to tell what his "normal" behavior was, when he wasn't drinking, he was edgy, and he even told me he liked to drink, even though drinking would get him into a "full blown drunk" drinking for days on end, puking and missing work for weeks...drinking till he could no longer drink anymore.

Gosh, Brownie, its a hard life to live especially when the person you love doesn't communicate or be honest with there own feelings and honest with their lover too.

From what you have told me, you have been thru alot honey, and I can see how emotionally drained you are.
One thing that picked me up was attending CoDependent Anony meetings,
there I met real live people going thru the same types of issues that I was, and I didn't have that alone feeling.

I know you want to talk with your hubby and he is acting really strange but if he doesn't open up and communicate with you, i guarantee you will feel very down and sick of it all. Can you ask him to "talk" with you, I mean you have been married to him for so long, he does need to give you that respect, which i hope he does.

Please keep venting, it helps, and know Brownie, you are not alone in this struggle with Codependency.

(((hugs, love and support))))
camer

October 15, 2004
12:22 am
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Hi Brownie,
I know, I am so sorry for being gone so long, I am really struggling with depression. I just wrote you a long thing and it got deleted, I hate that, I will try to remember what I said. It breaks my heart that you are going through this. My husband was on crack also. He was so unpredicable in his behavior. The funny thing was, we were christians. Everyone told me "dont quit five minutes before the miracle" " dont let Satan win" I tried so hard. But I realized that he had a "will" he "chose" to use drugs, He chose to be disobedient to God. He was arrogant and in denial. Ask yourself, "is this Gods will for me?" "Can I handle this" If the answer is yes, then continue on girl. I wasnt able to handle it, whether it be my own fear, weakness, or lack of faith, ....or the right decision. We were praise and worship leaders, my dream, but he wasnt humble. I actually left him when he was sober because he wasnt even the same and he was prideful. Read "The Power of a Praying Wife" I commend you on your strength, I commend you on your courage, and I commend you on your faith. God will honor that one way or the other. P.s. Isnt CAMER wonderful and Magga and all the others. This site is truly a blessing, I need to use it more often.
You are in my prayers.
songbird

October 15, 2004
9:20 am
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CAMER
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(((BROWNIE))) where are you??? wow, you are getting some good feedback, what a blessing Songbird is, she went thru almost the same thing you are going thru.

I know things must be so difficult for you, just know you are cared for by this group and I only wish you the best in life. Be good to you.

((((lotsa love, hugs and prayers)))))
camer

October 16, 2004
6:23 pm
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brownie
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camer,hey girl,i was not able to come back on that day because my computer went down.it was something to do with the internet.my husband pays for it to be on so he said that he paid the bill,so i think they made an error.i feel so blessed and overjoyed by you and the rest of the people on this site.

thanks for being my friends.i feel i can get through anything as far as my husband concern.

songbird!!!it's good to hear from you.i missed you alot and i feel terribly bad that you are depressed.but i get depressed too.when i comes on the thread,i feel a whole lot better.that's why i mentioned to you that it's not good to isolate yourself for too long,you will wind up making yourself sick and me and the rest of us don't want that.we want you well.

think about it some more,i don't wanna sound controlling or pushy.i just don't want none of your to go through the pain and suffering i been going through.like these past 2 days,i was telling camer that i suffer migraines,and girl,i was in such agony.i can't even think,i just have to lay down most of the day.

i don't know what's worst,being in physically or emotionally,but it's been hell.i also went through 4 operations.as for the ceserean section with my girls,they consider that a major operation but the gallbladder was torcher.i suffered gallstones,so they had to take out my gallbladder and before and after that,i had experienced severe stomach pains,heartburn and acid reflux.so i am emotionally drained.

as for my husband,i will finish tellin your the story later.i was gettin ready to hear some music.music been my best friend since i was a little girl.it also soothes the soul.but what i hear from your is not good news as far as my husband.i see that when they are sober,they pretty much be in denial and very prideful.

i have alot of work on my hands,because i think god wants us to learn to communicate more without fussing and arguing.this is difficult.i'll come on later.(HUGS TO All OF YOUR).

October 16, 2004
7:48 pm
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Hi Brownie,
I am trying not to isolate, you know how it is when you are depressed, but you are right , I always feel better when I write, or check in. If you dont here from me this week for some reason, its because my computer is acting up also. I think I have a virus. I will get it fixed this week and be back on. I know you are in good hands. Sorry you arent feeling well, I cant imagine all of that. I understand to an extent though my body is affected also it is exausting, especially when you cant sleep. Praying for you.
Hugs,
Songbird

October 16, 2004
9:03 pm
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brownie
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songbird,i am glad you came back on.i am also sorry that your depressed.it can really drain you right? i hate your computer is acting up too.i guess it's something going around,just like alot of people are getting sick.

i also i'm glad that you realize that it's always good to talk it out with us.you see you are starting to get sick and that's not good songbird.so i will be praying for you as i always do.i prays for the rest of the site too.

please come back as soon as you feel better and the computer starts to work again.everythings gonna be alright songbird.believe that.(hugs to you).

October 16, 2004
10:14 pm
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brownie
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hey camer,are you around girlfriend?i just finish writing to songbird.she's not feeling well and her computer's acting up too.she also said that she won't be till this week.so she realizes that it's good to check in and talk.so i told her that i'm glad for her.

is everything alright with you camer. i'll check back with you later to see if you came on.i hope everythings alright.(hugs to you)

October 17, 2004
12:54 pm
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CAMER
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hi brownie, thanks for asking, yes everything is good for me. Just busy, gosh life passes by so quick, but I am always sure to get on this
site daily.

I for once am dating a "nice man", not a bad boy, like my past, he treats me good, respects me, has a great personality, good looking, makes me laugh so much, and has no drinking or drug issues!!! and I am scared of this, its all so new to me, so I am taking things slow and enjoying his time and company now, without throwing too much of my life into him and having him be my whole world like I have done in the past with other men.

Are things getting better with you and your hubby, and is he willing to "talk" with you and not just bail out of the marriage???

I do wish you the best in everything Brownie, be sure to check back in, ok!!!

(((hugs, love and friendship)))) Camer

October 17, 2004
3:20 pm
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Anonymous
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hey everyone,
nice to see you songbird!I'm sorry you've been depressed, been struggling with that myself. I did take a big step though... I let my father and grandfather in on my big secret...the abuse. I decided it was time for me to kick myself outta this, and I had been trying to do it on my own since june and it just kept getting worse. Now I speak with both of them on a daily basis. I needed their support and I'm so glad I did. They are so cute, they call me and check up on me, these big gruff manly men are asking me how I'm feeling. I love them to death. But its hard, if I stop for a moment I get sad, I started bawling in the mall on sat. when I went to the bank, sat down for one min. and BAM it hit me. You girls are so strong, and only getting stronger. Think about how much you have tolerated and been through, your still standing. Survivors. I try to remember that now when I feel weak and helpless. I've been in cognitive therapy and that has helped so much, keeping my thoughts undistorted. We have the best support team on this site, women that have actually experienced this and know the emotional rollercoaster. My thoughts are with you,
magga

October 17, 2004
4:36 pm
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brownie
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hey girlfriend,camer,it's good to hear from you.i am happy for you.i figured you might have went out somewhere yesterday.i am so happy for you and i hope things continue to work out for you.hopefully,this will be the man for you.

tell me more about him later.in the meantime concerning my husband,we been talking,like i have not been in silent treatment.i started talking to him a couple of days ago.

i really did not want to because everytime when i talks to him,he does something to make me mad sometimes,but you know what camer,i realize that i'm codependent and that i still have that inner child in me saying act this way or be stubborn.which that's the case.

like i mention before,god i think is teaching us to communicate more and not get easily offended at situations.something happened last weekend whereas he usually takes the baby with him to the store and you know how toddlers can be,they're in the terrible twos,so she shows out.

me and my other daughter was getting ready to go shopping and he said he was gonna get ready to go somewhere(he always mention things at the last minute)so he had a misunderstanding about going out,i think he was testing me.he tends to do that to see if i will get mad at him.so when he found out i needed to go shopping,he said forget it he will stay and go another time,i said i'll wait and he said no he'll go the next day.

so in the meantime,he mentioned if i can take the baby with me,he caught me by surprise.so my other daugther had told him no no,she acts up,then he said cmon take her and she said again,no don't want to take her,so he got quiet and i did not say anything since that day.

even when my daughter came back,she had to drop off something,he did not say a word to her about the baby.i had waited downstairs,i was upset still.so the main purpose of the lesson in all this is he realized that he was wrong to expect for me to bring the baby and i was wrong for holding a grudge.

so now i am taking the baby to the store with me.i'm still learning and growing.sometimes lilke they say in coda,there is no perfect recovery.there are times you can go backwards or forwards.so i'm in the process now,but i am still changing and growing.i still have alot to learn still.if we get into a disagreement,then i will take a deep breath ah ah lol and try not to be stubborn.this is so difficult camer.but with god,you can do anything.so we'll talk later.HUGS TO YOU.

October 17, 2004
4:42 pm
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brownie
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hi maggalisa,i have not heard from you for a couple of days now.i am glad that you told your family about the abuse and also it's more good to hear that you stay in touch with us too.hope to hear from you lata.hugs to you

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