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My Parents give everything to my brothers so I stopped being the care giver to them
February 26, 2006
7:43 pm
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my fault
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Ten years ago my parents placed their house in both my brothers name. Five years ago they sold previous home & built another and placed it in both brothers and theirs wives name. I was very upset that they did this. They said everything would be divided equally but would not make a will or sign anything to that effect.

Both parents are up in age, late seventies and early eighties. It has been expected of me to care for the health of my parents because my children are grown and both brothers have young children and one lives out of state.

Two years ago my mother needed rehab and was fitted with special stockings. She also needed her legs to be wrapped each night in bandages. I took a leave of absence from a full time job and then resigned without going back part time because I was needed by my mother and she told me she would rather pay me than go into a nursing home. Well after she had the stockings and wrappings for three or four months she decided she didn't want it.

For the past three years I have been going back and forth dealing with all sickness and illness. My mother's health is not good, she has diabetes and is confined to a wheel chair. My father is old and doesn't want or can take care of her needs.

I just learned a month ago that she gave both brothers ten thousands dollars apiece. She intended to give me the same, but decided not to when I learned she didn't intend to give anything to my sister. My sister has a drug problem and lives in shelters, I sugested placing money in a fund that she could use monthly. I was told no and than I was told I get nothing.
I continued to help out after getting over being upset but the my situation changed.

My husband wants a divorce and I need to get a full time job. I told both brothers that I can't take care of my parents any longer and that we would need to get help. Everything is in motion but there is a time lapse of a month before the help is in place.

I have had enough of being used and being shown that my brothers get everything.... I do not want to help out anymore, is this wrong? I told parents and brothers that they should hire someone to help out until my parents get the social agency help. But they have turned a deaf ear and will wait out the agency while my mother calls me for help instead of them. What do I do?
My parents do need help but I feel used and am tired of this.

February 26, 2006
8:06 pm
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readyforachange
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Sit down with your brothers and explain the situation. Tell them that you can no longer continue to carry the burden of taking care of your parents. Discuss the possibility of a nursing home with them, and let them know point blank that you will not be in a financial position to help with the costs because of the divorce and your job status. Let them also know that you are aware that they were given the money, and make sure they understand that you and your sister did not receive this money. Hopefully, if they are reasonable people, you can come to some type of agreement.

February 26, 2006
8:12 pm
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my fault
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Ready, I have sat down and they know we did not receive the money but it makes no difference to them. My parents don't call them when they need help so they do not beleive me because my mother will deny that she needs help when they ask her. I have had that happen to me...she told me she doesn't want to upset them and make them worry. So I get the calls, what do I do?

February 26, 2006
8:34 pm
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readyforachange
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maybe, when she calls, you can tell her you are busy and cannot take her where she needs to go. Then call your brother and tell him that your mom needs whatever it is, and have him call her directly to offer to help. If she denies his help then, it's her problem. I don't know....this is a difficult situation.

February 27, 2006
7:36 am
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ready, I received a call at 3:00am this morning, my mom needed me because she was in pain with her leg. How could I refuse, so I went there, a ten minute drive and took care of her.

My dad was there but was not able to attend to her but did try. I decided at six in the morning I would call my brother with my parents phone letting him know I was there.

He wanted to know why she didn't call him, she told him she didn't call him because it would wake the kids. I decided that from this point on until they receive the help they need, I will place a call to his house to let him know I am the one who responds to her calls.

Both brothers never believed that she needs the help, maybe by making a call from there phone when I am there will document my care giving.

Thanks for listening...I really should have worded the opening thread to read trying to break free from constant care giving.

February 27, 2006
8:01 am
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garfield9547
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my fault

My therapist last week said these words: It's a childs priviledge to take care of her parents IF her parents took care of her.

My mom and dad is in for a BIG supprise one day

Garfield

February 27, 2006
8:35 am
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my fault
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garfield, they did take care of me until I reached seventeen and graduated from high school....but it is only me when they need the health care.

Both brothers get praised for the work they did as teenagers while the work I did back then and NOW is not mentioned.

Anything that is given to them is because of all they did as teens. My parents never talk about paying for both boys college educ or my one brother living at home til he was thirty three.

So when they did work on their house it was in return for all parents did for them. But it is not viewed as that. And when told they should have worked on the repairs because they received the college edu and paid weddings, it is like talking to the wind.

By the way I did not go to college and paid for my own wedding. My father told me he didn't pay for my wedding because I didn't help with the repairs of their house. How would you like to hear that?

February 27, 2006
3:55 pm
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garfield9547
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My Fault

You said

Both brothers get praised for the work they did as teenagers while the work I did back then and NOW is not mentioned

The work BACK THEN and now is not mentioned. Can you see that BACK THEN they did not care?????

You said
Anything that is given to them is because of all they did as teens.

So they say you did NOTHING as a teen??? How aweful of them. You do not need to DO things for your parents as teens to get something when you are grown up.

You need to be excepted and loved UNCONDITIONALLY as a child for who you are.

This did not happend to you.

You said

My father told me he didn't pay for my wedding because I didn't help with the repairs of their house. How would you like to hear that?

This is absolute emotional abuse in the highest degree. I would not tolerate one more minute or second of this abuse any longer.
Who the hell does he think he is?????

I realy feel for you. You will have to detach emotionally to be able to have a healthy life.
(((((((((((Garfield)))))))))))))

February 27, 2006
4:14 pm
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caraway
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Set-up an "on call" rotation with your brothers. Fill it in for the month and put the person to call on each day of the month.

If your Mother REFUSES to follow it and calls you, then you can call the brother who is on call. If that won't work, don't answer your phone on days that you are ot on call.

It is wrong that your parents are treating you this way. If you love them then you will just have to accept this injustice and continue to help when you can.

Take charge here.

Cary

February 27, 2006
4:21 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey, I like Cary's suggestion!

February 27, 2006
5:31 pm
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readyforachange
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I agree totally, my fault. This behavior on the part of your parents and your siblings is not only wrong, it is abusive. You are being treated - and have always been treated differently - and that is just wrong.

The rotation idea is a good one, and so is just calling your brothers from your parents house EVERY and I mean EVERY time your mother calls for your help. I would also refuse to go as often as you are going...you have a life too. They are manipulating you.

February 27, 2006
7:26 pm
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Hi Everyone, I wish I could just not answer but when I get the call from my mom but I know she is frightened and I respond to her. I want to help and at the same time I want it to be remembered but that will not be.

When I over do the help and I am a great one for that..I get tired and then I get resentful of my two brothers. I wish I would just let it slide but I get mad at the unfairness of it all and then I get upset that I have to help out. It is a vicious cycle my helping and than wishing I didn't.

This whole thing has been going on for years, I wonder why I let it bother me so when I know it will not change.

The rotation idea is great but the only one who would be doing it would be me. One brother works on weekends and lives in New Jersey and the other has three small children all involved with sports in different age groups.

I feel my parents can't change now because they are not capable of seeing things differently since they are so set in their ways at this old age.

But there is no excuse for both brothers who have the upperhand and are educated. I just can't beleive that they would take the money knowing that I do all the work and that the money can still be used for the care of both parents. My one brother told me his money is for our parents care but when I mentioned having my name on it also, he told me no.

I mentioned placing all money in one account with all names and to be used for the care of my parents. My mother shot that down and said the boys/men deserved the money because of their helping.

I was so mad that I left, of course my one brother's wife had to fill in and I was labeled unreliable. I never got to say what upset me because it doesn't matter about the truth. There is so much manipulation in the family that I feel like a puppet on a string.

Once everything is in place for the care giving I can get on with my life. I really do want to help out but it is hard to feel good about it when I see and hear the favoritism, it makes me want to scream.

Thanks for hearing me out....it does help say how I feel.

February 27, 2006
7:46 pm
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gingerleigh
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So what would be the downside of saying no? What would you be losing?

February 27, 2006
8:43 pm
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readyforachange
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my fault...I think that it is helpful for you to think through this whole situation here, and get feedback. But I also feel it is important for your to be clear to your family about how your feel regarding what they are doing. They will probably handle things the way they want to, without considering your wishes. Stand up for yourself and let them know how you feel about this, whether it will influence anything or not. At least you will have stood up for yourself.

I don't think you are ready to just abandon your mother's needs right now, and I don't think you can do that in good conscience. Just make sure that you call from your mother's house each time you go to help her and let your brothers know the situation..."Hi, John. Just wanted to let you know that mom fell and hurt herself, and she called me to come over and help." Let them know how often you are called upon...no matter how menial the task you're asked to do.

I think these two things right now might be a good start for you.

February 27, 2006
8:55 pm
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my fault
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I would feel horrible knowing she needs the help and I said "sorry can't do". I would not get what I wanted anyway but would end up feeling I let my parents down.

IF I had a job or other responsibities than it would be easy to say "no" but that is not the case.

I just need to put my focus on doing what needs to be done and no more. I have a habit of doing more than what is expected of me.

I need to do only the necessary and let what could be done by someone else be done by that someone else, meaning my brother or father.

Maybe I need to set limits to my helping, I do over extend myself, now is the time to stop.

February 28, 2006
4:14 am
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Squeezles
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Do you think your brothers feel guilty for not helping?

It sounds like they act this way because at the moment they can get away with doing so. What WOULD happen if you didn't help? By the sounds of things your parents aren't completely isolated (they have contact with their other childre and one assumes a hospital/ambulance/medical assistance). Perhaps the only way you can reinforce how valuable your input is, is to step back from the situation and realise how much they have come to depend on you? You don't have to be cruel in this approach, but your parents and brothers need to realise that you have the right to not be used and taken for granted and that the care of parents should be the responsibility of ALL children.

February 28, 2006
4:15 am
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I am sorry you are in this situation which seems to have been a long term one. It really is an unfair situation.

Firstly, I would document everything; the phone calls, what was said, needed, what you did, the time spent there and all doctor callls and apointments you have to make or take them to.

It seems that your mother is almost ready for in home cursing aide care of a SNF (skilled nursing facility).

Start asking questions. Do they have a living will? A will or trust? Go on line and read about guardianship and see what is required. You may be able to be their guardian or POA, power of attorney, for their financial and needs and medical care.

If the Will does not state a summ of money, like $10.00 awarded to you; then you will be able to contest it. Ksy here is minimun amount. If they leave zero to you, the judge reviews if to dispec afg

If there is a valid will, get a copy of it now before anything happens dow nthe line. It will happen. Been thru it with my mother and nw am her excutrix.

February 28, 2006
4:41 am
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If they leave zero to you, the judge reviews if to dispec afg

this should read:

If they leave you with zero dollars, yuu have the right to legally disput the fairness of the will with leaving you nothing and your brothers everything. Did they produce bills to charge or show th current charging rateo f what they did for the house? If so, I would take and make copies and put them in a sfe plane, not at thier house.

There are two ways forguadianship.

1)they sign papers requesting you to be the POA or guardian. Then it gets read and filed at the courthouse.A

If you pay her bills you need your name of it t pay on her account.

Just a few ideas for you, hope it healps. If you become guarian or eceutrix, there is mne

And usually, being the guardian and the exectrix have state quota of monitally compepensation awarded to the caretaker.

Document, docunet!

February 28, 2006
4:51 am
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sewunique
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Sorry, am tired

2) Court appointed guardianship stated, where she would be claimed incompetent to take of hercare of her own health, medical bills

February 28, 2006
8:44 am
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my fault
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Squeezles: my one brother does the care taking of the house/repairs but does not do the care taking of my mom.

My other brother the doc has his profession and lives out of state helps with the house once a year.

Sewunique: The finances are done by my parents and over seen by the brothers. I hope you get the picture. My parents view both brothers as their financial advisers.

My parents got rid of their will and placed everything in both brothers and their wives name, giving them full authority over money and property.

I was left out because I was remarried... so they say. I think they just didn't want me to have any legal right over their assets.

My brother the doc was asked by me if he felt my mother was mentally normal on her decisions, I got no reply from him. I know they look the other way when it comes to fairness.

I even asked if they would sign a paper to make everything even to my sister and myself. The answer was "mom & dad do not want me to do this and I want to respect their wishes".

I am told that they will make sure everything is fair. I also asked... what happens if brothers and wife die and all is left to their children estate, the reply was "what are the chances of that happening, you are hooked on the money and not on helping out".

They have all the answers don't they?

So that is as far as I can go with getting any legal help, nowhere....

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