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MY NAME IS LOST2, AM I A CODEPENDENT????
November 5, 2004
2:23 pm
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LOST2
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I have been reading a lot of threads out there, I am a new kid on the block. I am starting to believe that I am a codependent.
I am in love with a man who for seven years did so many things of the things that I have read here that I need an answer here. Am I a codependent? From the beginning, OK perhaps not at the very beginning, DUH!!! he let me know in not very nice words, in fact in nasty words that if i could not comply with what he needed, he could find and would find ..... in no time. After a couple of break ups, I had to move out of my apartment so I asked him to buy with me, ane he did, 1 month later, on New Year's he told me that it was over, and to sell the house, I didn't even have the deed yet. How can I sell the house?? I cried, pleaded, beg and went nuts, but he would not bulge, I had to borrow more money to buy his half, and we are talking a lot of money. 1 month later, I tried to meet my maker and spent 2 good months in a nut house. 3 Months later he came, got his money and told me that I did not deserve what he did to me, then he left to the woman he was already dating. On his way home he got arrested (not his fault, really) but he called me to help him, it was the night before the beginning of a 4 day weekend, in the middle of nowhere. Me, being in another continent, 6 times zones difference, and a big heartache bailed him out. Oh, but wait.. She called me too, "could I help somehow to get him out of jail) she, in the US, same time zone and (I did not know then, his fiance). 4 Months later he married her, and a year later they had a baby. A month after the baby was born, he divorced her and called me. He wants to come back. Me, Codependent??? "OK, sure!! I have never stop loving you, missing you or wanting you back." His condition to coming back was for me to put his new baby on the deed of the house, tge house, remember the house?? it took some negogiation but I finally convinced him. 1 year later..He finally arrives, 1 month later he tells me he will adopt a nephew who at 14 has a long rap sheet, officially and unofficially. I have a 15 year old daughter and a 14 son who have been the dedication of both their father and me. The mother in me comes out, and I say "no" I cannot afford to do this, for Pete's sake, this boy has run phone bills from many members of the family sky high by ordering porno, does drugs, drinks alcohol, is violent and loves to play with knives, c'mon now...
3 months later he moves out, and we talked afterwards, I tried very hard to be his friend and talk like one to him because he would quickly remind me that I had nothing to say to him about much. I tried to help him find a nice home for him and his nephew and the said that it would be unfair to ask me to do that because he was not giving up .... and I would probably not like that. I invited to dinner him for his birthday and he cussed me out so bad, it was sad but it was good at the same time because it was the last straw, when I said to him that he would not dare treat his friends the way that he treated me, his answer was "I am not F...... my friends" I had to reming him that he was not doing that to me either. When he called the next time, no word came to my mouth, I could not get anything out, it was fear what stopped me, I was so afraid to say anything and getting a verbal beating that my mouth just blocked, and thru family I let him know that it would be OK for us not to communicate at all. Since then he has called a couple of times, I have not answered, and written some e mails, which I have not answered. I stated skating, reading, lifting weights and crying my eyes out, there is not a permanent bag of tears under my eyes (literally). The last time I spoke with him, he told me he was convinced (and believed it too) that all he had to do was to snap his fingers. My silence for months now has put him in doubt of his beliefs. I don't know how to stop missing him or loving him, I am happy I am not trying to kill myself, but somehow I want him back, part of me does and the rest is just frozen shut. there is so much more but can someone out there enlighten me a little bit, AM I A CODEPENDENT??????

November 5, 2004
2:45 pm
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gingerleigh
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What would it matter if the answer were yes or no? *smile* The truth is you are in a relationship that is damaging to you, and potentially damaging to your family. You deserve so much better than this!

You have much in common with many people who endure pain and suffering and yet still crave it, somehow believing that things will get better "if only this" or "if only that". Have you checked out the descriptions of codependency on this site? Do any of the characteristics ring a bell for you?

November 5, 2004
3:17 pm
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LOST2
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Gingerleigh,

yes, I did. and yes some did but others did not. To make matters worse, and more confusing I have to say, in all honesty, that he has done right by his family, that he is generous and smart, that he has a magnetism about him, he draws people, he is hard, hard working and honest. He scrubs floors, does windows and bathrooms better than me, he is good company and we both enjoy the best things in life.
He is a lot of things that you would think make a person good. Yesterday thought, in talking to my pastor he said that there is a difference between doing good by some and being a good person, and that made sense, and he also referred me to this site, good move pastor!!

November 5, 2004
9:55 pm
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stronger by the day
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Dear My Name

I hear what you are saying and I too and struggling whether I am codependent or a "woman who loves too much" (same thing? Great book by Robin Norwood - you should read!) My husband has done terrible things to me but I know that he is a good man (I still say 80% loving caring father and husband and 20% addict). He is currently in rehab and I am STILL finding out terrible lies and deseptions about him. What makes me still want him? I don't know. All I know is that I am learning to change my attitudes and make choices for me -- taking care of ME! I have never ever put myself first and this is very difficult but when you start to, it all of a sudden makes sense. Do you practice self care? Do you take care of you? Honestly ask these questions and see where it takes you.

My thoughts are with you......

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