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My mother molested me
November 11, 2004
2:53 pm
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free
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Posting to send my thoughts to all of ya. To each of you, how is today going?

free

November 11, 2004
6:53 pm
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Anonymous
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Sunny,

Why did you say this is your last post?

Ren'ai

November 18, 2004
9:21 pm
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struggling
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Sorry Guys I was without a computer but I'll get caught up and give you an update.

November 18, 2004
10:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Glad you are back

November 19, 2004
12:26 pm
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sewunique
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Struggling,

Welcome back, missed you. How has it been going? I read the beginning of your thread, and am hoping you are working thru this and taking extra special cae of yourself at this hard time.

Write back when you can, we're here for you!

Sew

November 20, 2004
12:22 am
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(((struggling)))

free

March 26, 2013
7:53 pm
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elleb83
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January 30, 2014
3:58 am
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annnn
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not sure if any of you are still active after these years. but I was also molested by my mother. I am a guy, turned out to be gay. when I was going to the last few years of primary school or middle school, my mother used to come to my bed in the middle of the night and try to arrange my blanket, but then she was touching my private part. when i woke up and asked what she was doing, she told me not to touch your private part.. I felt she was strange. After some years, she and my father divorced. I was doing studies and working abroad. When I returned home for the summer, (I was 29-30), I slept in the bedroom with the door ublocked, suddenly I woke up, and my mother was touching my part, looking at it. that was really scary for me. now I feel I can't be close to her, but then she's all by herself I felt bad. But I fear if I have a family, she would want to come to live with us. that makes me want to run away....

March 10, 2015
8:00 pm
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leemon
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I was glad when I saw someone else posted to this decade old post, only a year ago. There isn't a lot of anything published on mothers raping their daughters. And even less on mothers raping their INFANT daughters. My mother is one of those disturbed people. I am one of those infant victims, now 26. Weeks after learning this, along with learning that I was raped and molested by several men throughout my childhood, and that my mother facilitated much of it, I still am unable to process it. PTSD started. I realized, after reading briefly about it, that I had been having PTSD my entire life, just didn't realize it, because there was no context for it. I knew my mother had been severely emotionally and psychologically, while somewhat physically abusive, to me when I was a teenager. But this was all brand new. Apparently if a trauma is so bad, it will be lost from all conscious awareness immediately after.... moments after. I remember some parts of my childhood. But not these parts. Because this type of dissociation happened to me from these events that were too traumatic for me to even know about them. I did learn through someone else, that my mother raped me as an infant, although I had that suspicion cross my mind before. I just thought that it was a ridiculous suspicion. My mother brainwashed me to believe that I make everything up and exaggerate.

I googled "why would a mother rape her infant daughter," in search for the psychological reasoning behind it, and found this thread.

March 11, 2015
9:02 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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leemon:

I sure am glad you posted & I hope all the abuse is behind you now.  Somethings time does not heal & if you don't know the rules of the new world, you make careless mistakes which make others hate you more. I sometimes wish we were like the living world where plants & animals don't speak at all.  Language can be soft, manners are important, but still if we were mute, at least I wish I was. All I can say is that when you kill the trust & privacy, the latter being so illegal.  And to think that you have given so much of yourself & some people quite simply colluded against you just because they refused to understand what Mothers do so that their children have a roof over them & food to eat.  I wonder oftentimes who the parent really is?  I have been told by some children that I did a hate crime by birthing them because they did not ask to come into this world.  This hurts.  I feel like a criminal. Sometimes I try to reason with children, but they just do what they want & make me put myself into a lot of burning ash.  Consider yourself lucky on some level to still have your Mom around because likely she too is sorry & remember I do not know your age, but parents make mistakes. PTSD is real.  Imagine a whole group of people who are large & in charge who just hate you because they refuse to understand the choices you had to make in your life & you tried to keep activities far away from where you sleep, but still you must live somewhere & never leaving the house is just plain wrong.  I might get a T-shirt or Sweater I have now that says "obey".  Who am I supposed to depend on when there is nothing and no one.  I wash a lot and I cry a lot but nothing helps really. The feeling is like that of a void & I am all alone embarking into nowhere.  Brainwashing works, but the highest form of abuse I now see is just plain neglect & everyone just wants to take, take, take.  I am alive, but I am not happy about things I know.  Games, it's all about games & pretending to save whatever they have.

I am ruthless & my love unorthodox.  I am a master enabler because I try always to love & be fair.  Fiercely independent on some level, too alone on another.  It's like being trapped & alone each day.

Please if you have better now, just take good care of yourself

 

One Day

March 10, 2018
6:36 pm
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exstepper
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I know this thread is soooo old now, but I just realized who my molester was after not being able to 'see' them in my mind for so many decades. I googled this when I started wondering what happened to me and how crippling the thoughts and memories and suspicions are of who perpetrated against me has been ACTING like they 'loved' me all these years when it was really all manipulation, using and control. I've had a couple near nervous breakdowns not knowing what was wrong with me and when I asked my mom on her visits to me, she would act so fucking weird it was shocking. She would sit there and surmise everyone it could have possibly been. When I asked her why it was that I had not ONE memory of her as a young child, she couldn't explain it. When I've melted down completely and had flashbacks of her using boy friends of mine when I was a child and demanding that I bring over more and more and more boys, I started realizing who the perp really was and not only did EVERYthing make sense to me at that point (I had pinpoint accurate tunnel vision in this phase of awakening but I was also breaking down completely bc my mind was uncovering all of the atrocities that happened to me as an infant, toddler, teenager, young adult and now). She has used and used and used me for so many things so many times, it's staggering.

I really cannot believe I found this thread. Through the pangs of agony that these posters went through, I found, ironically, some strength and solace bc everyone else in my real-time life at this point has denied that this could have happened to me by my own mother 'because she's so nice." It's no wonder I've had a smoldering homicidal rage towards child molesters and child sex abusers for the use of pornography. I HATE all of them with a merciless rage. I envision all of them getting sentenced and DEMOLISHED in prison. But not my mom. I'm scared to even confront her--let alone tell anyone what happened. What I've noticed is that she seems to have the fear of GOD in her that I will spill her secrets. She is trying to convince everyone that I am insane and out to get her for some strange reason. I think to myself...hmmmm mom it IS our little secret that I have NEVER told anyone about all the boys that you convinced me to bring to our house so you could take each one of them one by one over time to your bedroom, close the door and 'test their IQs.' Man, what a memory to uncover! And to think that she was so blatant with me. I must have been brainwashed or threatened or something not to tell anyone. I shudder to think about this.

She is now trying to get to my teenage daughter. She is trying to turn her against me. But I think the damage has been done when she kept cornering her on her last visit here demanding to know salacious details about her supposed sex life. My daughter is not promiscuous (hasn't even had sex) and my mom kept cornering her every time I would step away and tell her she could tell her anything, that she'd never tell on her to me and that she was writing a book about teen sexuality and that is why she needed to know. God it makes me feel homicidal now. My daughter took TF off and spent the entire weekend w a friend she was so freaked out. She told me later and I asked my mom wtf that was about and why did she say she was writing a book. SHe said I never said that, she's lying! I know my mom would throw anyone under the bus to save her child molesting ass. God she makes me sick to my stomach. When I was in college JUST about to graduate and move TF away from her, she all of a sudden HAD to declare bankruptcy bc she 'just couldn't take it anymore--all the debt was crushing her and she just couldn't go on w it.' I asked Jesus how much is it? She said $10,000. I was like WHAT? That;s not enough to declare bankruptcy! SHe said 'Yes it is, it's just too much. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up and your name is on the cards too somehow so you are bankrupt too'. I. WAS. FLOORED. I just sat there in shock in the restaurant. SHe took me there so I would not protest wildly and fucking smash something. I said HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??? She said 'O don't play dumb with me, you went to Europe didn't you? You had nice clothes, din't you? Maybe you should have thought about that!!!' It's like she was blaming ME for the bankruptcy! I didn't even have or own a fucking card!!! I was mystified how that could have happened. I was v depressed and did not know how on earth I would possibly get an apartment then in NYC w/no credit (all by her design to keep me in our hometown and be dependent on her). Can you imagine just starting out your adult life and you are BANKRUPT right out of college?! But ofc, she turned the whole thing on me and made me feel like it was my fault that we were bankrupt. I had somehow ruined both of our lives. It just makes me feel dazed even to this day--25 years later. I definitely dissociated that day. I began to feel unreal to myself (I know now it is called depersonalization). I had been sober for years at that point. I started using drugs again right then. I had started getting high and drinking at 13 bc of the terror she wreaked on me. She had groomed me to hate my dad bc he beat me. She liked that it happened bc it made me pine for her to save me. WHen that never happened, she would say to me the next day that he was a horrible man and it was so much worse for her and she was a victim bc he was so cruel to her. More cruel. He wasn't. She scapegoated me so that I would be beaten by a raging ex-Marine from Viet Nam so that I would be so victimized and lonely and isolated, only she could say she loved me and cared for me so I was solely dependent on her and not object to her molesting me.

When she made a pass at me when I was about 10/11, I rebuffed her and was so fucking scared, terrified. I guess I had repressed all the other molestations. She attacked me and said she was 'just kidding and couldn't I take a joke? I was too sensitive and what was wrong with me?' There was something wrong with me she kept saying. I'll never forget it. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life for some reason. I think that;s when the hidden truth of the past came crashing in on me and I couldn't help but see the SPLIT in her personality go from reading with me, then trying to seduce me, then hissing at me like a gd demon bc I rejected her. Probably for the first time in my life I had had the physical force to reject her. And it made her so fucking mad to lose that control over me. Thats when she left my dad and REALLY started in on me. The attacks were verbal, psychological, physical and also even neglect for daysssss on end she would act as though I was not there, I didn't matter, and I did not even exist. Why this bothered me and scarred me so badly to this day I'll never know. But my personality starting to crack. I would go in the bathroom and have these monologues with myself as if she was there and I would have whole conversations I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU all the things I could not say to her face. She listened, she heard me and she never forgot it. She would always bring things like that up with me. I guess I BETRAYED HER with my growing independence and abject hatred of her. That was the best thing my mind and spirit could have done for myself to survive. I started beating the shit out of every guy that looked at me wrong. No idea what that was about. But I would never fight a girl. To this day, I cower in mean women's presences. They reduce me and I'm sure many of them know this and use it against me. Sociopaths abound everywhere and I am a target for them.

Why does THIS type of molestation hurt so badly and keep crippling me/all of us? WHy is this so powerfully malignant that we are all having nervous breakdowns? Why does it not leave us and render us virtually unemployable? Why do the awful memories keep surfacing and haunting us making us feel so small, breakable and deeply deeply ashamed, I wonder. My dad groomed me on a trip when I was about 22. He took me to New Orleans and wined and dined me and then begged me to sleep with him. It was SO bizarre and weird. But I have no problems with that memory or even telling people about it. He was a total asshole and creep and I tell everyone that, so why do I keep all her secrets to myself? I hope someone reads this and responds someday. I need a likeminded friend, however damaged you are too, at least you can understand (in the void of cyberspace).

June 26, 2018
4:48 am
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ShiningLight
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You need help my dear. Consult another member of the family or your friends who can help you. If you can, seek advice from a counselor or go to the nearest social welfare agency. What you are experiencing right now may be PTSD https://www.allaboutcounseling.....-disorder/. You are not alone.

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