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My Mother-In-Law.........
November 1, 2002
9:55 pm
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Anonymous
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My Mother-In-Law doesn't like me, I am sure many of you can relate. I do not know why and i had given up-finished with it. She is in the hospital and just had a hysterectomy at age 81. My husband is not close to her, at all. My husbands brother never calls us, when he called to let us know, i thought someone died. I was polite as usual but i know that he and his wife also do not like me. It seems that they feel that i was not good enough for my husband. I did not own a car or had much material things as they all did, I grew up on the poorer side of town, and I just did not fit into their family. I guess i was standoffish in the beginning too, but i get like that when people say little things here and there to make me feel inferior.

I had come far in life, i could of ended up like many of my friends who now have several kids and live on welfare. I did not go that route, I worked shitty jobs and went to college, i could not afford a car and much of anything else. I took the bus-and even that was alot at times, but i made it, i got my college degree and I did what i could with what life handed out to me.

Well, its seems that now things are really strained in his family. They know that i am competely estranged with mine, they know we have no where to go for "Thanksgiving" and no one is inviting us, as if i go anyhow! But the invites are not there, even when we had went down to see them on previous trips, they only once had us into their home, and then it was for two hours and we had take out. They do not go out of their way at all, yet i had them to my home for dinners when we lived back at our home state.

I had tried with my MIL. At my wedding shower, i went over to give her a big hug and went to call her mom and she said well not yet, with her arms folded, your not his wife yet! Our marriage took place a month later. She is on the cold side with everyone but esp with me, at times she is nice, and i wonder what it is she hates about me, she went to our wedding and did not bring a gift, not even a card. We got a note several months later, stating that she did not know what it was about me, that she found puzzling, but that she felt as if something were wrong with me. She prides herself on saying what is on her mind, so my hubby says, even if hurts others, but yet you can not dare something that is on yours.

When I was sick and the hospital, no one phoned me, when my child was sick and we had no idea why she was so feverish and she was there for a week, no one sent a card, or a flower or even asked. She could of been dying, i thought she was, but she turned out fine. I was so alone that week, in that hospital with no support at all from any of our families. My sister said that she thought of sending flowers but that mom told her not too, so she didn't. I had none. My hubby had to work and he had to do overtime in order to keep his job. Some things you never forget.

Yet, I am expected to, i guess, to call or send a card, well i am not. I mean why should I? For eight years i had sent cards and gifts to these people, overlooking cutting remarks such as, oh women who had bad home lives have no excuse for their behavior, my sister in law said, at the time i had no idea what she was getting at, and then it hit me, why did she say that? She must of know before i did, that i had come from a dysfunctional family! She then would come into our home and ask what item, belonged to who, like who owned what. She then asked my hubby where he brought my diamond and when he told her, she just about hit the floor, oh my god why? You should of went to a discount store at so and so, she was painly very jealous. my ring looks very expensive, but its not, its not what it appears to be, oh well let her be envious, her problem not mine.

Anyhow, I just do not know what to do here, and input is greatly appreicated. My other two brother in laws, lived quite far off, so i had little interaction with them, they all seem sort of distant from each other. I find it offensive that these people call, i mean they never called my hubby back before, when he tried to establish a relationship, they completely blew him off. He wants to go see his mother for Thanksgiving but she spends it with his brother and his wife who do not invite us over, i really do not want to be where i am not wanted, i rather stay home and have my own traditions here, but for some strange reason he wants to go, and i do not know what to do, they all go to church too and get on us for not going, they are rather judgmental in that aspect. Oh were do you go now? I just tell them that i do not believe in church and that GOD does not want me there, just to shut them up, cause i do not know what else to say.

Thanks for your input in advance:)
Kimberly

November 2, 2002
4:16 pm
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karoline
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Jerks, Kimberly

I understand. My MIL is generous and loving much of the time but you has thrown a few cutting remarks etc. my way. It gets my goat sometimes but I have to consider the source when I'm on my way to gettng too pissed off.

She lives in a very small world so to speak and she is a insecure, immature lady to some extent. When I think of some of the illogical things that she says and does it reminds me that her mind contains at least a few distortions of reality and that the place where her put downs come from are also seeped in these distortions of reality.In other words, she's full of it!

A healthy, happy and secure person does not spend alot of time critacizing and putting others down for things like their physical appearance, their family background and the like. A healthy, happy and secure person does not spend time comparing themselves to others.

However, a wounded, jealous, insecure and immature person does all of the above!

So Kim, consider the source. I know that it still hurts and make you angry but keep grounded in reality and keep your head held up high.

If you don't see the ol' MIL to often be grateful that you don't have to deal with her issues on a regular basis.

If you do have to deal with her on a more regular basis maybe you and I could put our heads together and brainstorm on some positive ways to confront this stuff!

Karoline

November 4, 2002
8:28 am
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Thank you Karoline:)

When you put in into that perspective, it does not seem so bad! Yes, I am grateful we live away off from her. I did let my hubby call her, did not push him, he actually did it on his own. I then got on the phone and wished her, i mean i do not wish her ill or anyone for that matter. I just consider the source, like you said and just am so glad we live so far away...thank god!

Hugs to you ((((((karoline)))))))))))

November 4, 2002
11:05 am
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karoline
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Cool, talkng about this with you helps me too!

Hugs,

Karoline

November 4, 2002
11:09 am
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Glad it does Karoline:)

Just got back from therpahy, my theraphist thinks i should think about giving me email addy to my parents and siblings, whom, i had just become estranged from, in case they or we die...what do you think of this? I am sort of scared to do this cause they might make me the one who caused the death in the first place, esp if its like a heart attack or something, but part of me thinks it might not be a bad idea now...any suggestions for anyone is most apprecitaed!

Love,
Kimberly

November 4, 2002
11:29 am
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karoline
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I agree with the therapist's suggestion. Wouldn't you want to know if one of them were to pass away or have a serious injury and the like and the same concerning you and your family (hubby and daughter)? I think that it makes sense.

For me, I would only refuse to make my whereabouts known to my family, if we were estranged, if I truly believed that they would attempt to harm me or my family or if they were harassing me.

Of course, its your call.

November 4, 2002
11:39 am
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hmmm - i think it would depend kimberly - if it was only to be used for an emergency or something, that would be good becuz you should and they should know those things.

but, what if they use it to harrass you? its very easy to write nasty things and hurt people when you arent face to face or on the phone - and if they have harrassed you on the phone, then its very possible they would do it by email.

take care of 'yourself' - i think there are other ways to finding out about deaths and such

November 4, 2002
11:59 am
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I had considered giving them my email addy for emergenices, i don't know what to do here. I have deceieded to just not make any decisions now. If they were to die, i would cry endlessly, i would not deal with it well, cause we are on bad terms, that i know. Ladeska makes sense, i know, she is right, i should just stay away and give nothing at all and just go on with my life. Cause my mom is dangerous, she carries a gun and is mentally unstable. If my sister were to die today, i would most likely have a mental breakdown, i do love her and miss her but i know i have to stay away, she is mean and accepts no responsiablity for what she has done and said to me, i am all wrong here. God i just do not know what is the right thing anymore to do. I want to be there if they die, mourn and all that but i know i will be be made out to be the one who made this person die, somehow-someway it will be my fault, all fingers will point to me, oh she did it! she break so and so heart and that is why they are dead! I can see it now. So no matter what i do i am wrong here...no matter what, why could they just not love me back enough to say oh ok we hurt you, we are hurt too and lets work on it, no they did not want that, all they said to me was ok where do we contact you in case of a death? to me that is not wanting to work things out, that is quite final and i am most likely blessed that they are not kicking me around with mind games saying oh we care lets work it out, cause from rereading their letters in theraphy this am, they really are so far gone that they probably do think they are right, they are in so much denial and so self absorbed that they really do see me as the ungrate, and all i ever wanted was love from them, but that was just too much to ask, they are not able to give it to me. oh life sucks.

November 4, 2002
12:06 pm
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I guess i could list out the pros and cons of giving them my email addy.

The pros are...

I would know of their deaths, i would want to know this, but would i go to the funeral, most likely not, i mean to go after not on good terms, and being estranged would be dangerous to me, well depending who died, if my mom died, i might be safe, but my sister would give me her wrath, my dad might not, he might just do as he always does and not say anything at all.

any others? don't know of.

the cons are numerous, but do they outweigh the pro enough to change this decision? I just don't know, had anyone here lost a loved one they were estranged from? may i ask you how you felt? life truly sucks sometimes.

November 4, 2002
12:15 pm
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I guess maybe the best thing to do is to do nothing then.....

November 4, 2002
12:25 pm
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karoline
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I don't think that you should be under any pressure to make this decision, today tommorrow or in the immediate future. You mentioned that your mom is dangerous, carries a gun. I probably wouldn't want any dangerous, gun toting person to have any of my personal info, especially my whereabouts probably including my mom!

Hypothetically, if one of them were to die and another of them were to blame you for that persons death. Would that not be completely false, illogical and off the hook?? You don't have to accept their blame for anything, in the same way that you do not have to accept their rationalizations and distortions of the truth!!!!!

For what it is worth, its my opinion that you should put the issue of giving out you e-mail addy to your family members.

I think that having to think about this right now is too stressful and it is possibly causing you to question the choices that you have made.

You choose to separate from your family for the purposes of self-preservation not because you are silly or mean spirited!

Remember, the progress that you have made up to this point has much to do with your formation of boundries with them. Try to be ok with this. Try not to second guess yourself and feel guilty. You did what you had to do to preserve yourself.

Karoline

November 4, 2002
12:29 pm
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Error, fourth paragragh, should read:
basically, I think that you should put off this decision.

November 4, 2002
12:32 pm
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Karoline...Thank you so much. To hear someone else say that I am doing this for self preservation and not out of a mean spirit, does me a world of good. They really have pinned me as the mean one who hates her family. I do not hate them or anyone, I do pity them, I do pray they get help one day and I wish no harm at all. I mean i do love them, how can i stop loving them, i mean they did raise for for like how many years? And there were alot of good times too. I know that the good does not make the bad better. Its not in the past, they continued to hurt me to the present, if it were in the past, i would of been able to work it out and forgive them of what they done, which is a god awful lot. But to keep hurting me over and over in the present, and me to not do a thing about it, is allowing them to abuse me, still. And i can't and won't allow it, I do love them, but i must stay far away, its lonely, its sad and few really understand that, so thank you for that Karoline, to hear this from someone else helps alot:)

(((((((karoline))))))))))

November 5, 2002
9:52 am
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I am sitting here...trying to think of who i could give my email addy to outside of my family who would know if someone died, i mean i would want to know that, but not necessary go for the funeral, then i can go visit the grave and have a talk with them and maybe be able to heal then, i am not able to tell them half of what i have on my mind, too dangerous to do that in many respects. But i come up with no one, no one that i can trust to not dig into me and give me grief, i guess i could check the obitutiores from time to time...but then again, don't think so. I know I am talking to myself here, I know many can not relate, but maybe someone can?

November 5, 2002
12:16 pm
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Nightwind~

I have to agree with you not to give the e-mail addy to your family. It's only been a very short time since the cruel, hurtful certified letters they've sent. If you open up your e-mail to them now, who knows what attacks may come. You've come so far, just in the short time that I've known you, you don't need them attacking you again in any way.

I'm racking my brain trying to think of someone you can give it too. Do they have clergy that could contact you in case of death....someone who you can trust, that you know won't judge you for what you know is the right thing. Maybe an old friend of yours...do they still live in your hometown. Maybe subscribe to their local paper but that would be somewhat of a grave ritual to look in the paper to see if any of them have passed. I'm sure someone would find you to tell you. Maybe you can give them a friend's e-mail. Someone they can contact in case of emergency that could then contact you.

Anyway...my mind is just racing now trying to figure out something you can do. I'm actually surprised your therapist would have you do that.

Oh and the mother in law thing....I wouldn't worry about it. You are happy with you right....don't let others opinions get you down, they are judgemental and not worthy of your thoughts.

Be well Kimberly!!!

November 5, 2002
7:55 pm
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(((((((((traclyn))))))))))...

my heartfelt thanks to you, may GOD Bless you always:) Take care. I must leave, but wanted to say thank you for all you done for me, i will remember you fondly:)

Love,
Kimberly

November 5, 2002
7:55 pm
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Molly
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Be confident in who you are, and what you are all about. Some people have no class, no maners, no heart. If you can find it in you to rise above others behavior, and treat others the way you want to be treated, then go for it, and send a card, send an email, what do you have to loose ? Be an example, and if you can't find it with in your self to do gestures of kindness, then don't and take a stand for why you don't. Regardless it is not important if you do or if you don't to any one but you. It takes a really big person to rise above pain, hurt and dissapointment and still do acts of kindness to what we percieve as the enemy, and some times when we do that , others rise to the occasion, but then again, sometimes they don't. Be at peace.

November 5, 2002
8:01 pm
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Thank you (((Molly))) very much! Warmest wishes to you and yours:)

NightWind.

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