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My Mother in Law is with us, again.
June 14, 2006
8:04 pm
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tobi762
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I'm not sure how to start, been married 18 years and told nobody about my problems and frustrations, I feel like I'm cheating my wife. I have my mother in law for about 9 months now, single mom and my wife is her only daughter, I came up with the conclusion that her mom is controling her by playing victim, and my wife is very childish and doesn give me my place and respect, you know, my mom, my mom, etc. She has I believe serious conflicts (unresolved) with her mother, our only son just graduated from high school and is bound to college, I think my wife and her mother are afraid what are they gona do when our son goes to college, you know, who to cook for, (my kitchen was taken over by my mother in law and my wife didnt say a thing). My wife even went to sleep with her mom in the guest room, we havent had intimacy since her mom came, and my wife rejects me fiercely. I'm nuts and frustrated. Funny thing is that this is not new, it's being an ongoing thing for the last 18 years. Now that our son is going to college I believe it is time for me also to move one, but I love my wife dearly, or it is that I think I can not love anyone else?. Very frustrated. sorry if I havent been more specific, first time writter and I dont know how to start. regards to all. T.

June 14, 2006
8:48 pm
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Careverymuch
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Hi, welcome, and don't worry about your writing, you got your point across just fine. I am new at this too. First question is have you talked to your wife about how you feel about all this? Or does she refuse to talk about it or are you afraid to talk to her about the problem?

June 14, 2006
9:11 pm
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Careverymuch
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Hello again, just wanted to say I hope I didn't scare you away with all the questions, just wanted to try to get a handle on your situation before I gave you my opinion. Hope you didn't decide not to post again as this site is unbelievably helpful to people. You will be surprised! Hope to hear from you.

June 21, 2006
8:22 am
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stillhope
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Tobi762, have you tried to speak up?
I am sure if you were to move out tomorrow, your wife would wake up and pay attention.
When your son moves out, it will be exactly like who to cook for, who to care for?
I think you should speak up in a nice manner and explain what you feel and ask whether she can offer any sollution for this problem.

June 22, 2006
4:32 pm
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tobi762
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Stillhope:
thanks for the reply, I'm touched since this is the first time I'm dealing about this with others.
I spoke a few times in the past, but I think I blew it big time, I fought with my mother in law and my wife to a point that my mother in law left to the airport without even saying goodbye. I made that up and were were back in peace, in other words I didnt hold my stance. I told my wife once that I will leave and separate if the situation persists, she said then, my mother is staying with us as long as it takes, and told me fine if you want to go. I didn't know until years later that she was devastated by me trying to leave.
My wife can not make a decision about what to do with her mother, we enjoyed each other and use to have great sex, but once her mother is in, she is a diferent person, and offcourse no nothing for the past 9 months. They have issues, and off course I think you are right. I must speak up... in a nice and intelligent manner. thanks.

June 22, 2006
4:42 pm
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tobi762
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Careverymuch:
I just read your reply, got confused surfing the threads.
Both; she refuses and I just learned that besides being an overresponsible person (girlfriend got pregnant at 22 I was 21, and decided to go on and take responsability, sorry that is another long story), I try to avoid conflict. you can get an idea from what I replied to stillhope.
I wish I can win the lottery and buy another house, so all we can live happily together in the same town.
My father advice will be: patience and don't comply to much. Sadly he is not with us anymore.

June 22, 2006
4:54 pm
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tobi762
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Ok guys, here is the bomb.

I actually said that her place belongs with us in our house, (better food, better housing, better company, etc.) They think I am the one who is inestable and ever changing.
I said that because I felt sorry for my mother in law, but I think I opened my mouth to wide and to fast. I love my wife, she is gorgeous, fantastic sex (when happens), umm maybe I am a sex addict, I have some dissapointments about her character anyways. I'm getting crazy, but I started to read some books about emotional blackmail and stuff. I wish I can become a monk.

June 22, 2006
6:02 pm
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bonni
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Tobi,
have you considered marriage counseling? dh and I are going on marriage counseling retreat this weekend. You can probably find a program through your church or online.

bonni

June 22, 2006
6:15 pm
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tobi762
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Bonni,
I think that might help us, but my wife refuses to aknowledge it. Somebody told me that maybe I should go by myself. The more I analyze her the more I understand what's going on, and the more sorry I feel about her. thus me sticking around, but how about me and my needs?.

June 29, 2006
6:34 pm
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tobi762
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Thanks to you all, I really appreciate your replies. t.

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