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My mate abused my daughter
December 20, 2000
8:50 pm
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janes
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Yes it is...but whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It is so hard to face the things that hurt the ones we love esp. when one we love has done the hurting.

PLEASE find yourself a counselor immediately and dump your feelings of stress, inadequacy and pain on that doorstep.

Get a good physical and tell your family dr. only that you are under extremem stress...ask about herbals...There are many that work very nicely.

See a pastor...call a hotline and vent.

Take steps to care for you or you won't be able to care for anyone else.

Come on...you have made it so far....

December 22, 2000
4:49 pm
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so confused
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I have decided to get my daughter into counseling. I am looking for someone who is good with teens and not hard or over whelming. I will probably see them first. If it comes out then we will have to deal with that. I can not keep everyone safe. I know this. It is my instinct though. I love my baby girl (14). Thank you for all of your support and advice. I still don't know how to feel and what to feel. Time is already helping some. The holidays are going to very hard and I am very depressed!

December 24, 2000
2:51 pm
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so confused
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December 24, 2000
3:04 pm
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so confused
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I just wanted to say Merry Christmas!!! I am here alone and it is okay. I need some time to think and soul search. This is hard to do when you are trying to keep things together and the kids life as normal as possible. I am going to spend Christmas with my mate so neither of us will be alone. I am thankful to be here to celebrate Christmas. Being alive is important and the things that happen are stepping stones in the big picture. I know reality will set back in when the kids return from being with their dad. I will deal with it and hopefully make it through everything okay. It will be a New Year with new things and new feelings. God, I pray for all of us and all of you!!!!!! Thank you for listening and offering your advice.

December 25, 2000
8:48 pm
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janes
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Anytime at all....Your decision of a few days ago to get your daughter into counseling is (I think) very good. Mom's do try to keep every thing together and everyone happy and staisfied (condependently sometimes) but ensuring that your daughters mental health is good and that her self esteem is indeed intact is not codependent at all...it is nurturing and healthy.

Even if "it" comes out you will all be in a better place for it. (counseling)

You still need to GO FOR YOU!!!!
I personally think you need to address the fact that you are trying to protect EVERYONE and taking it all upon you which you cannot handle IN THE LONG TERM.

Your new year will bring new things both positive and negetive (isn't that the way of all families)

You can be successfulm happpy and have a great life. YOU CAN handle the hard times...you already have!!!

This time of quietness may be very good for you! Good luck. Have some long baths and dreamy introspection times.

I know you wish this stuff with daughter and mate had never happened...but you were not the culprit nor your daughter... you are handling it very well

Just make sure to take super care of yourself.

smiles and hugs

j-

(GET YOUR APPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!!!)

December 26, 2000
1:02 pm
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so confused
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Janes, I posted on the other thread we were writing on. Please read if you get a chance. It explains how I am feeling right now. I wish I could be in others shoes right now. Any where but here. I AM FEELING SO ALONE! so empty and so confused. I love them both!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Different loves yes! One of them has to go and I know it has to be him. This is going to cause more emotional anguish...then I am pretending and hiding my feelings. Thanks for listening!

December 26, 2000
4:06 pm
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Molly
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Your never alone. You maybe going through hell, but not alone, so lighten up. go do something for you, take a break from the misery it is not going to go away. Quit the punishment, you did nothing, go love your self, even if it is only a cup of coffee with strangers. We are here for you, and I order you to take a break. NOW, change your thinking for a short time, this ca ca is not going to go away, so just put it away for a little while and give your emotions a break. If you don't want coffee, go see a movie, take a bath, go read a book, try to find some joy, and even though you don't know us, know that there is lots and lots of love being sent to you right this minuet, see you feel it, I bet your eyes have tears there, so after you blow your nose, celebrate the fact that you don't have the flu, and find some flowers to celebrate their beauty and fragrance, and think tha t, I might have sent them to you. Cut the pain loose for a little bit, ok?

December 26, 2000
9:39 pm
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janes
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I'll go read it.

Molly is right..you are never alone.

For a view of even more catastrophic relationships go to Dr. Irene's verbal Abuse Site...it covers more than verbal abuse.

You have every right to feel very very (scuse please) shitty.

BUT as mom's we do weave the fabric of life. And we have to nurture our young!!! (Note that most males leave all child rearing to females)

You hopefully had the luxury of a fairly innocent childhood that the mate you "love" took away from your daughter. I personally think she needs to be #1 right now.

When she flies the nest you can resume whatever relationship you want.

Make your list now

Wednesday 12/27/00 Call therapists!!!

for you for her..it is really important!!

I promise you won't feel so lonely.

j-

December 27, 2000
1:09 am
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so confused
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Janes and Molly,

I know you are both right. I know what I need to do. Maybe today I will have the strength to make the calls to find the right therapist for my daughter. I just got off the phone with them. (the kids). They are having a blast with their dad. Actually they are at my parents house as I type here. We all get along...his family and mine.

No, he does not know! He is trained in the military to kill....well, I know he would not hesitate here. Then the kids would lose their dad too. It will not change anything for him to know. Also, I know he would blame it all on me. I really do not think I could handle that right now. I am not sure how much more I can take.

I finally put the tree up so it would be lit for the kids when they get home. They will celebrate Christmas here when they get home. The first one in 7 years without my mate. (I say this because we are not married and I don't want to use a name).

Just to clarify...my daughter said she was in 3rd grade which made her 8 years old. This happened during the first year of my mate living with us. Thank you so much for listening. You all have been a life saver for me. I get on here every night to see who has written. Take care and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

December 27, 2000
9:18 am
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janes
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You are doing well. You'll will look back someday and wonder how you did it...

Make the calls hon...

Love.

j-

December 27, 2000
9:22 am
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janes
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Just so you know...one of my sons was accused by a younger sister friend...

The therapist was called immediately!!

If you put if off..even tho' it happened in the past you look more ineffectual and less proactive. If you take the steps now..it means more.

If your mate gets to the counselor before you and your daughter that looks better for him if it ever comes out and ends up in a legal thing.

so it isn't JUST for mental health...it is also for the agencies and others as well.

What willl the families think if you put off the counseling appts...

Actions sometimes speak louder than words.

come on...call.

December 27, 2000
12:46 pm
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sunb
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Maybe the best thing for you right now would be to let him live separately from you and your daughter and make him get the help before you decide for him to come and live with you again. He needs to complete all of his therapy before he should be able to live with you and your daughter. He has a problem and it needs to be fixed. Then in the meantime you and your daughter can focus on your relationship. Your daughter needs to know that she is #1 in your life and not him. We all make very difficult sacrifices when we are parents, this should be one of them. You don't want your daughter to resent you for your decision to stay with him, you want her to respect you and feel protected by you. She was only 8 years old, she was a baby! I would kill someone if they ever touched my daughter like that. She was an innocent baby and he was a grown man and knew what choices he made, not her. I hope you take someone's advice and stop putting it off because it needs to be done immediately.

December 28, 2000
2:39 am
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so confused
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Thanks again for your advice. I am so tired I can hardly type. I will sign on tomorrow and write more.
xo xo

December 28, 2000
3:31 am
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Brenda
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How can you "love" someone who did such a crime against your own child?
I dont understand why you havent cut his nuts off in his sleep......

December 28, 2000
3:28 pm
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Tubby
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I have followed this story so far.
I can't say that I know how you feel, as only you know how you feel.
However many people have replied, and I feel that they can relate to you in your confusion, and are concerned for you.
I would like to put your story in context. You say that you are confused, you love your children and your mate, you also say that no one how you feel, this is very true. Could you for a moment explain how you feel. My reading of your situation is this there are three people involved, excluding the childs father. Your child , your mate, and yourself.
The most important person in this situation is YOU, as you are the one directly involved. Your Daughters abuse is something that only she can deal with as is your suns attachment to your mate likewise only your son can deal with. Youir mate has his own problem as he is the one that commited the offence. You are not in any position to deal with there problems.
Your problem is your own confusion of these issues, my question is how do you feel realy feel about your mate abusing your Daughter, your real feelings this is I think what you have to deal with.
I would also ask could you go talk to a Priest, Minister or some community member, for guidance and who may be able to recommend a counsellor to you.
I hope you can get this situation resolved soon for your own peace of mind. Getting rid of your mate is only one problem dealing with the real issues is most important.
I wish good luck and I its ok with you i will pray for you and your children.

December 28, 2000
7:37 pm
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Molly
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So like did you make an appointment yet???????? Yes we are hounding you, I agree with Janes, you must do what looks appropriate today, the systems will look at the actions, not the language, or words, or intent. I hope you were able to rest, and did not have to face more of what you don't need to , talk about a full plate. Start a new thread, this one is getting to long , love to you. Molly

December 29, 2000
5:55 am
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hazza
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Dear Confused,
please please please get the councilling NOW!
You say that you or your mate does not udnerstand why the abuse happened.and also why it stopped.
I have to say that many abusers are attracted to YOUNG children. jmnay DO stop when the child reaches pubety, it is either too risky (|IE pregancy) or just no longer a turn on for them.
your mate DOES know why he abused. he was sexually stimulated by the idea of having intercourse with an 8 year old child and he acted on those impulses. What on earth is there to not understand about that?
what he does NOT understnad is WHY he has such urges, and I cannot believe that an urge such as that would just dissappear in him.
the urge to abuse YOUR daughter now she is 14 may have dissappeared for him, but how do any of you know whther he still has urges regarding other small children?

I totally udnerstand your reluctance to face this issue. You cannot believe that there is this dark and disturbing side to a man who you have loved for so long. Far easier to cope with if it was "all a mistake" and "would never happen again"

You need to stop thinking about yourself here. Sorry if that offends you but it is true.
you are and you have to be strong enough to see the whole picture.
it is not your job to save this mixed up and broken man.
it IS your job to think about other innocents who may be at risk.

IF this man is so sorry and confused then why did he not get help himself???

you need councilling desperately, to find out why you ar SO afraid of being alone and away from that man, that you can possibly consider staying when he is clearly so disturbed.

Your daughter needs her mother NOW!
she needs to see a positive role model - a mother who will not allow abuse to be tolerated.

it may be that you have to be strong now and put YOUR feelings aside for a while.
but WHY do you want to be with a suicidal child abuser??
yes this man COULD change and grow - but that is HIS job, not yours.

Please, wake up and get professional help. your are a mother to your DAUGHTER - not a mother to this man.
stop protecting him and start protecting her. How you deal with this will directly affect all her future relationships with men, if she sees a bad example from you she will think that normal and end up with abusive men herself in later life.
you need to teach her how to be strong and you can do it.
you need space away from this man - for yoruself and her and to show her that when situations are not right we DO NOT STAY.
but please realise that much of your confusion is coming from YOU.
I really hope that you find the strength to get the help you need and I hope your mate also gets the help he so obviously needs.
peace
Hazza

December 29, 2000
9:33 am
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wac
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Your posts have touched me deeply....I know how hard this sorty of thing can be..."confused" is an understatement!...The important thing is you keep hammering at it...even when its hard... I am your age and understand the feelings you have quite well...

And no one but you needs to determine how you feel about your daughter and your mate...

I hope you and your daughter are doing well, you will see the other side of this...

Take Care

December 29, 2000
10:51 am
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so confused
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I know this thread must dig up many feelings for many people. I respect everyone's opinions on this issue. If you read what I just read you will see why I am so confused. One thread to the next is a differenr opinion and different advice. Take care of me, forget me and take care of my daughter, forget my mate, why do I love my mate??? It is all very confusing!!!!!!!!!! I did want to cut his ----- off!!!! Believe me!!!! I loved him 7 years ago....I loved him while this abuse took place 6 years ago....I loved him the last 5 years. How do you turn it off?????????? There is no button! My point is...if you really love someone and something bad happens (really bad) how do you stop loving this person? I HATE what he did. I don't hate him. If this offends anyone I am sorry, but this is how I feel! I will not lie on here...the point is to express how I feel.

Thanks to those who are here for me every night!!!!! Happy New Year!!!! I will be 35 years old in 2 days! I am so empty.

December 29, 2000
6:33 pm
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So confused.

You said, "I HATE what he did. I don't hate him." Good for you! Hate only burns up those who do the 'hating' of a person, as opposed to the behavior. That's a good attitude that you have.

And, "There is no button!" Well... there is one. But... it's a long, painful and personal journey to find it and to learn how to push it.

All the very best with that 'journey'.

December 29, 2000
6:53 pm
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To hell with what every one else thinks, you came here for ideas, and support, now take what works for YOU, and hold on to that, to hell with what does not. No one is the same we all have our own history and agenda, and experience, no two are the same. Hold your ground, do what works for you. Your honosty is refreshing, you are not whinning, your not blaming, you are flat out stuck, and for some reason I can understand that. God knows I haven't a clue what I would do in your skin, and will not judge you for your choices. The only thing that you can't do is wallow in self pity. That will be in my opinion the largest obstical. Your trust has been violated, your senses, intuition, judgement all scrambled like an egg in a bowl when you thought you had over easy. It looked like over easy, it felt like over easy, it smelled like eggs, and you got told its scrambeled. But worse than that, now scrambeled is poop, society says its poop, the law says its poop, every one agrees its poop, even you know its poop, but what makes it worse is that the poop is years old, does that make it still poop? Its a tough one for you that only you can answer. I have been judged for returning to this relationship, it caused me damage, it caused my daughters damage, I swore when I left I would never return, but here I am. No one but me, knows why, and even I can't take a stand for the relationship for what it is, and most of all what it is not, but in our own way, it is almost working. The world can say how can you live with this man after... but life is a risk. The one problem that you may not realize is that the entire relationship has changed now, it will never be the same, so some of the issues that you are struggeling with may not be relevant in the comming months. The man you had 6 months ago, the relationship you had 6 months ago, is not the same and will never be the same. Your doubt his reality, your daughter, and her reactions, will all be effected, and distorted from what you knew. You flat out can't look at him the same way, and he can't look at you the same way, guilt shame, and the trust thing are all in the way. flat out you can't ever wake up in the morning the same for years. I don't give your relations with this man much hope, I don't give your family as it was 6 months ago much hope, I don't know what is going to happen when her father finds out, and don't know how you can keep it from him. So I suggest that you focus on you, get you back to a stable place so you can be there for your daughter, how is she by the way? Get the help you need, take care of you, and then you can give to her. he is an adult, he will do what he needs to do, and the relationship will fall into place or fall out. I don't know how to wish you a happy birthday with all of this, but I can wish you peace. Love and prayers Molly, by the way just like what I said if it fit wear it, if it doesn't to hell with it, ok Peace

December 30, 2000
1:41 am
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so confused
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THANKS MOLLY!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

My daughter is doing well. The kids are still with their dad. We have not celebrated Christmas here at home. I guess we will celebrate when they get home. It will be so weird without him here. I will try to stay positive!!!!

I wish I could tell her father. In all reality he will not handle it and I know he will end up in jail. If he ever does find out he will hate me for not telling him. He will also blame me for what happened. Again, i can not deal with this right now. Maybe some day I will be able to tell him and he can calm down before he over reacts.

Believe me, I know the initial reaction...I had it. I went nuts! I was going to call the police and everything. My family told me to think before I do something I can not change. I am glad they were there for me. Anyway, I appreciate you respecting my feelings and trying to understand that I am going through something really hard (scrambled).

My birthday wish is "to go back 6 years and stop this from happening!"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!! and thanks!

December 30, 2000
4:06 am
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Your children need to stay with their dad, I am sorry BUT YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR OWN SELFISH NEEDS ASIDE AND PUT YOUR CHILDRENS NEEDS FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone who advocates otherwise is as confused as you.
You do not know what love is.
A fit mother would not have the man who messed with her child in the same fucking house !!!!! Have him charged, arrested and let the courts deal with A HORRIBLE CRIME AGAINST AN INNOCENT, the fact that the child is your own and you havent done this is inexcusable, poor girl.
It is probably best that you seek outside help asap and tell them everything. Your mate has probably been abusing your child(ren) up until your last post. Makes my stomach turn.

December 30, 2000
10:48 am
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so confused
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Brenda, obviously you have not followed the thread from the beginning. Obviously you have never truly been in love. Obviously you are a f'n moron to say these things. I will not let you hurt me because I realize you do not know what the hell you are talking about. PLEASE do not give any advice to a severely depressed person...you would make them go over the edge! This is not about your opinion....this is to help ones who are seaking help and advice. My children are not better off with their father who travels all over the world and drinks more in a weekend then most people do in a year or many years.

This has not gone on up until my last posting. (you would know this if you read the entire thread!) This happened 6 years ago. Makes things a little different. I do not need to explain this or my feelings to you! Read the entire THREAD from beginning to end! By the way...keep your helpful insights to yourself!!!!!!!!!!!

To those of you that are there for me...this is why people hesitate to look for help!!!!!!!!!!!

December 30, 2000
1:56 pm
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janes
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So........

I agree with Molly. Take what you need from here and go with it.

Reading this all today the sandard from every one is...get therapy for you and your daughter. Let your amte deal with his issues as he is an adult.

Like Tez said..there is a button but it's long and hard to find it.

Takeing care of yourself and taking care of your daughter are not conflicting issues. The conflict comes when you want to remain with your mate and act like nothing has changed when it all has.... That is a normal want in this matter. We would all rather that the bad crap had never happened so we can just go on..status quo.

How lucky for you and your daughter that you found out now when she is only fourteen rather than in 7 years. Now you can have an active role in her healing rather than just apologizing for her abuse at the hands of your lover.

Like Molly said....the realationship as you remember it is totally over. It will never be the same.

However...with therapy and counseling all the lives MAY be salvaged. But your mate needs to do his work on his own. You and your daughter need to be a team. YOU are her protector!!! She trusts you I know...because she told YOU!!! Now you are torn - understandably...but you are being so strong and so honest!!

Don't geel empty..you are on the journey of life and you have been awakened. Sure the awakening has been a crock of shit but from now on you will look at life differently. Hopefully someday it will be more positive.

Take what you need from here...leave what doesn't fit.

But..we will keep hounding you to make those appointments. Neither you nor your daughter (or son) needs to go through this alone and wandering. A therapist can be a guide...

Good luck. Happy birthday because every birthday is a milestone. Some of them we reach in good times and some in bad. Each one tho remains another marker for us.

j-

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