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My mate abused my daughter
December 1, 2000
11:41 am
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so confused
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I have been dealing with this for 3 weeks now. This awful thing happened 5 years ago. It is pulling my family a part. My daughter and I fight beacause she says I won't listen. I Love my mate...still. My family is trying to be supportive. I am trying to be supportive for both my daughter and my mate. He wants help for what Happened. She needs to talk to someone and I am at my END! I am in the middle and I didn't do anything wrong. If you can give any helpful insight PLEASE do!

December 1, 2000
12:36 pm
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gingerleigh
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What sort of abuse was it? Violent physical, sexual, verbal?

Having been sexually abused by a family member, and having parents who were in denial about the whole thing made my life hell. I had no one to talk to, just like your daughter.

Sounds like you are willing to admit to what happened. If the abuse was sexual the way that mine was, I am appalled that you can allow her to still live in that environment. Your "mate" as you call him has assaulted your very flesh and blood in an unforgivable manner which will scar and haunt her forver. And yet you continue to love him. How can you accept that? Your posting and your indecision make me physically ill.

You say that you did nothing wrong. How can you believe that? You, your mate, and your daughter need counseling, AND your daughter needs to get away from the whole environment. Is her natural father available to take care of her, or another family member? To allow her to have to deal with this day in and day out, you are obviously not fit to care for her.

Get professional help now, or you may lose your daughter forever.

December 1, 2000
4:45 pm
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So confused.

Sure... Get professional help.

In the mean time don't put any 'guilt trips' on yourself; or for that matter let anyone else's 'finger pointing' do the same.

Let he/she who is without fault point the first finger at you.

All the very best.

December 1, 2000
6:41 pm
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gingerleigh
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So Confused

I apologize if my tone was harsh, however, you need to step back and realize who is really at risk here. That's your daughter. She is going through such hurt now, and on top of the abuse, she is having to deal with feelings of betrayal because you are so torn between her and your mate.

Tez is right, seek professional help. What happened to her 5 years ago was not your fault, and you can't change that. But what will happen to her now going forward, you CAN influence these events and you have the power to make things right.

December 1, 2000
9:56 pm
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janes
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NO excuses...professional help is needed for the abuser and the abused IMMEDIATELY!!! AND you need to get therapy too. You need at least to find out how to make your daughter feel she is heard and loved and cared for...

Your "mate" is an adult. He can seek the help he need on his own if he is truly serious about it. But YOU need to make appointments for your daughter and yourself. NOW. No Blame no finger ppointing just get to a therapist NOW.

If he doesn't get to one...step back and consider why he won't....

Good luck.

December 3, 2000
9:08 pm
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This was my first time to actually ask for any kind of help. It has taken me time to even know what I feel. I hate my mate for what he did. The last 5 years we had a great relationship. He also had a great relationship with my children. Including my daughter. They were very close...seemed to be closer than she and I. I guess I could say I know why now. For whatever reason, the sexual abuse stopped. The next 5 years seemed to be normal. My daughter never showed any signs of there being anything wrong. She does well in school, sports, very out going and a happy child. There is no way I could have known. Up until 3 weeks ago, everything seemed normal. Something triggered her to tell me. I believed her right away. I wanted to hurt him so bad. After days went by I had to do so much soul searching. He has been my soul mate for the last 7 years. 5 years since the abuse stopped. I loved him 3 weeks ago and I still love him now. I can not just turn it off like a faucet. I wish I could. I do want to get help, but how can I do this without involving the law? Jail is NOT the answer in this case. Therapy is. i am sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings, but I thought this was to try to help people with their problems and issues. I feel like I am the only one in this situation and I know I am not. I read that one of the worst senarios was a daughter telling her mother about her mate. The mother is in the middle of two loves. I am trying to work through this as best as I can. I also believe that every person deserves a second chance. We are all human....not perfect.

December 3, 2000
9:14 pm
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This is taking every ounce of strength I have left.

December 4, 2000
7:28 pm
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gingerleigh
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Have you gotten to see a counselor yet? How did it go?

December 5, 2000
12:18 am
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No, not yet. I have been in touch with one. I want to make sure there are not any obligations to report this. Like I said...jail is not the answer here. We do not want a big court hearing. We want all of us to get help and to get past this. NOT BRUSH it UNDER the RUG! By the way, I can take care of my daughter. I have been doing just fine for the last 14 years. Her father is in Guam and drinks way too much. He is a good man, but not when he is drinking. Just thought you should know. We had our first Basketball practice tonight. I coach my daughter's team. It went very well. Life goes on as usual.

December 5, 2000
11:03 am
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gingerleigh
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That's a tough one, about whether this has to be reported or not.

This issue is a really personal close-to-home one for me because I lived through abuse by a family member that I also repressed for several years before it came flooding back (hence my extremely emotional and judemental response earlier... I am truly sorry for that). I hid the secret for several years also, and then finally opened up to my parents about it. They went "crazy", and immediately tried to take the family member to court and sue and press charges, which was the last thing in the world that I wanted. So I respect your need to keep this a private matter. However, a key differece between your daughter's situation and mine is that the abuse was a single instance with a family member who lived out of town that I rarely came in contact with. It was safe for me to forgive and let go.

Your daughter's case is not so simple, because the abuser is still in her life and very involved in her life. I think you posted in threads elsewhere, and I believe it was Molly who said that pedophiles (sp?) tend to be repeat offenders. I know that this is hard to think of, but suppose he does this again, to someone else? To your son? To a neighbor's child? In future years, perhaps to your granddaughter? As awful as this scenario sounds, it happens in families far too often.

I think the rule of thumb in most counseling situations is that everything will stay confidential unless an adult's life is in danger or a child is being abused. In this case, the latter was certainly true. I know that you don't want the law involved, but for a moment, close your eyes, and imagine that this exact situation is happening to a close friend of yours. What would be the right thing for her to do to protect her daughter, her son, and her sanity? Is that answer the same for you? If it isn't, why not?

Anyone listening, does someone have an idea about confidentiality? Is there an avenue where someone can get counseling for particularly sensitive issues like this one and ensure confidentiality or anonymity?

December 6, 2000
8:42 pm
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janes
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Depends on the state /coutny/country. Michigan ...teachers etc. are required to report abuse... then where I live the courts do nothing.

Counselors are bound by confidentiality...unless abusive and then it depends...what type of abuse, etc.

Again..then it depends on the courts.

Seems like where I live you can do about anything you want...

Keep seeking that counselor. You could all go sepearatly...Your mate MUST go.. He does need to take resposibility for his action.

How old is your daughter? reporting may be an instance of ONGOING abuse...not abuse in the past.good luck hang in there. Isn't it amazing how life goes on regardless....

December 7, 2000
12:51 pm
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I appreciate your calmer approach!!! Thank you! I have thought about all of this. I do not believe this would happen again. It had not happened before this incident. Why it happened?? He does not know. This is why he needs counseling too. I am most concerned with my 14 year old daughter getting the counseling she needs. So her future can be as normal as possible. (if there is such a thing). She said she does not want to be counseled and that the only reason I want her to is to make me happy. I explained to her why it was important. Someone for her to talk to that is not in any way connected to the situation or a relative. That everything she says is between her and the counselor...NOT ME! She seemed to understand a little better. As for my mate being in our lives....this is still undecided. We all need help first before any decisions can be made. We do not want the big court battle and the news and etc....or jail time. Thanks for all of your input. It does help to talk about it.

December 10, 2000
10:48 am
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I went to my first COSA meeting Friday night. It was so emotional. I am still so confused.

December 10, 2000
10:58 am
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so confused , you have to be very strong! Your daughter is the most important part of your life right now. Not your mate, man change, bUT YOUROWN FRESH & BLOOD WILL NOT change < If you don't take her seriously, she will hate you for the rest of her life . I do not know your mate, you know him better!!! Take care & I wish your daughter all the best of luck!!!

December 11, 2000
2:04 pm
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Well, my emotions are still on a roller coaster. They probably will be like this for the rest of my life. One day I am okay, the next I am not. I love him one day and want to cause him harm the next. I still don't and probably will never understand why. my daughter is doing well. She is doing all of the normal teenage things. (I hope not all!) 🙂
Homework, ball, clubs, friends the mall. I pray all of the time that she will make it through this. I think she will probably do better than the rest of us put together. She is such a strong willed kid. Always has been. This is why I am having such a hard time with this. This has ALWAYS been my worst nightmare with her. She has always been very out going. Very cute! Long blonde hair, blue eyes. I thought I could keep her safe. I WAS WRONG! I thought I knew my mate...I WAS DEAD WRONG!

I really do believe he is sorry...but this does not change what he did. I do believe he wants help. In our relationship...the damge has been done. I don't know if we will make it through this or not. At my COSA meeting...they said what does not kill us will make us stronger. i can't tell you how many times I have thought about dying. My kids kept me from doing anything. The thought of them being alone in this cruel world kept me here. The sad part is, that I see no happiness for myself...ever! i love my children more than life and I will be here for them. I feel dead inside and even on the good days I am still going through the motions. Thanks for listening!

December 13, 2000
11:50 pm
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Well, we are on the 5th week of everything coming out! Some days are good, others are bad. We are still searching for counseling that will not mean reporting and Jail time. He is going to SAA meetings. IT IS A START. I went to a COSA meeting. My daughter needs to be in a one on one situation so there is not any embarrasing conversations with too many people. Someone for only her to talk to that is not a family member. Anyway, life continues on. School, work, sports, meetings, projects and all of the other everyday stuff. I am praying that we will make it through this. I watched the news tonight and it made me see that things can always be worse!

December 15, 2000
7:09 pm
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December 15, 2000
10:56 pm
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gingerleigh
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I'm glad that you are continuing the meetings. It may seem like you will always be tormented by this, and your pain will grow worse before it lessens. But someday the pain will be gone. I promise.

Peace.

December 17, 2000
2:21 pm
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December 17, 2000
2:33 pm
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Well, I am losing it! I am so tired and worn out. One day I feel like we can all make it throught his and the next I want to disappear. The more we look for help the worse I feel. Like there isn't any hope. I read as long as I have hope and commitment we can do this. Well, everytime I try to find help for us...the hope gets shot down. Counselors or professionals have to report it by law. Priests can only be gone to as a confession and not as a therapist. I always thought even the worst people had some kind of hope. We are not bad people...I thought we were really good people. I still think we are, one of us made a bad decision that is affecting the rest of us and our lives forever. Do I stick by him or just let it go? Yes, i love him. Yes, I love my daughter. No, I do not love myself. I feel so empty and I hate feeling like this. I am losing control of everything around me. Yes, a single mom of two needs control. I wish I could find someone that has gone through what I am going through. (someone in my shoes.) There isn't anyway anybody can understand how I feel unless they are in my shoes. Any mothers out there go through this with there daughter and their mate? What did you do? How did it turn out? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December 18, 2000
1:33 pm
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Please honey get out of the situation. Worry about you and your daughter. I hope he does not continue to live with you. Get yourself out of the situation so you can actually get help. I'm sorry but if it takes jail time for you to get the help that your daughter needs...then so be it. It will amke him a better person in the long run, he will get the help that he needs and feel the remorse for what he has done. Of course he says he is sorry and he may even truly be but he did the crime so know he has got to do the time. If things were meant to be between the two of you then they will be after he is removed out of your life for awhile and gets the help he needs. It's not going to be an easy road but there is no reason for you to be caught in the middle. You did nothing wrong, HE DID. Stand by your daughters side and let her knw she is loved by you. Don't make her fell sorry or upset about the situation just GET OUT OF IT! Don't let her have to stay in the environment or even feel and ounce of guilt for "breaking" the two of you apart, which she probably feels. If she see's that you are emotional then she will feel like it's her fault. Look at this as a death of an old life and the start of a new and wonderful bond for you and your daughter. You will make it through this and she will to. Just get your priorities in order. I've been there!

December 19, 2000
10:56 am
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janes
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Forget about WHY you all need counseling and set up the appointments.

You may have to face the fact that it might HAVE to come out..he MIGHT have to do jail time and people will have to know.

First and foremeost find a counselor for your daughter....she may not tell the counselor about the abuse at all....but it will help her self esteem to have someone to talk to.

YOU FIND A COUNSELOR. You don't need to talk about the abuse specifically but in general terms . You need to find YOU!!!! That in and of itself is important.

When I was 17 I had a daughter "out of wedlock" back in the times when it was not "the thing to do" like today. I gave her up for adoption...best for her, best for me...

for ten years (or longer) I punished myself...no self esteem, then I married and had 4 more kids.

When she was 20 my first daughter found me. Now we have a great relationship.

But everytime I have to introduce her to a new person...who knows I have four kids...not five...It is hard, very hard to face the feeling of "the mistake I made". But I do it. and it gets easier every time.

Your mate made a mistake...he may have to "pay" for it.He may have to pay "big time" You didn't make him do it and you cannot bail him out. By trying to bail him out you may alienate your daughter.... You can still be there for him but all mistakes have consequences... we all have had to deal the consequences of our own mistakes. He is a big boy. Don't condone his actions..but you can be there for him while he pays the dues for what he has done.

Get your kid to a counselor. forget about what the consequences will be for him and think about the consequences for her...

Many women have been abused by family members and we go on and grow up like nothing ever happened. Then there is a trigger that suddenly brings it back. Maybe we still go on but for some the flashbacks and trouble from un dealt with problems in the past have horrific consequences. Me....the gentlest most loving touch from my husband in just the right spot only reminds me of my abuser. Still.. and I am 48.

forget the legal ramifications and get to the counselor. Don't avoid it. She needs to go. What she talks about is up to her. Don't deny her the cleansing because of your mates mistakes.

You too. Get that outside ear to listen and start building your self esteem.

Good luck.

December 19, 2000
6:43 pm
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I am sitting here and I don't know what to say. I have read all of your suggestions and I appreciate all of your input. It all makes sense, unfortunately none of it makes me feel better. I know in all reality my relationships with my daughter and my mate are in trouble. I have to end it with my mate to salvage my daughter's. I know this is what has to happen. I just don't know how I am going to go on as normal and act like nothing is wrong when I love him. I know this does not make sense to anyone reading this. Believe me...I wish I did not love him...it really would make things much easier. My family even loves him. Everyone loves him. He is a wonderful person...caring...thoughtful....and None of us can believe what he did! It would have been easy not to believe my daughter, but I DID! I am not sure why...I just did. Anyway, my children are going to be with their dad over the holidays. (he just flew in fron Guam). They will be 6 hours away. I have a week to try to get my act together. To say good bye to my mate and try to move on. I am so depressed...I will be doing all of this over Christmas and my birthday...New Year's Eve. Happy Birthday to me.......35 and single...mother of two and so unhappy. OKAY! Enough of my pitty party. This will be the worst holidays for me EVER! Janes...he said he would not go to JAIL....he tried to commit suicide when this all first came out. I know he would try it again if the jail thing becomes a possibility again. He considers that the end of his life. I feel like he should be a man and pay the price for what he did. Yes, it is going to be extrememly difficult to move on when he gets out, but at least you don't have to live with it hanging over your head every minute of your life. He said when he got out his life would be over anyway. I don't know how long I would be able to stay by his side, but I would try to support him as best as I could. These are the facts: He committed a crime, I love my daughter, I love him, we all need help, and life does go on.

December 20, 2000
7:58 am
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This is blunt...

Why in the hell whould you go on acting like everything is normal WHEN IT ISN'T!!! There is ALOT wrong here. Separation might not hurt either of you. If he gains counseling and you do and your daughter does there may be more later for the two of you.

Remember...he is an adult..None of us want to face our mistakes but we must. He could GROW from the experience. Plus both of you are making plans about things you do not know will happen. There have been instances where when abuse is long past and the victim ( your daughter) is recieving the help needed..and HE IS ALREADY IN COUNSELING judges have been lenient and given probation etc.
He needs to get legal counsel. FIND OUT THE OPTIONS before you make all these plans about things that won't happen.

35....you are stilll young. Single...nothing wrong with that. Two kids..they love you and you love them.

There may be a silver lining in this but urge him to seek the answers.

It is a horrible thing he did. Maybe he'll never do it again. But part of me is not sorry for someone who would take innocence from a small child and then be so self centered as to worry about how THEIR life is going to be over.

Good luck

December 20, 2000
12:59 pm
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Janes, part of me feels the same way. He should be worrying about others involved, not himself. He said we can all get through this, that it is different for him. I said you should have thought about that before you did this. What else am I supposed to say??? I know he needs support right now, but i am giving support to everyone but me! My daughter is very far away right now. Emotionally she is not connecting with me. I know it is because of him. I have to let him go and I will. I am not sure how one person can take on so much. I know I can not take much more. I am at a breaking point. Everyone around me seems healthy and I am far from healthy. My daughter is so beautiful, smart and she has so much going for her. I don't want this to ruin anything for her. I hope if she gets help now that she will be able to move on. She said she already has, but I know better. Yes, the last 6 years she has achieved so much...gifted schools and now is in a gifted high school. I don't know how she did it. Anyway, I am trying to do what is right. I am hurting so bad and I know the main thing here is my daughter. IT IS SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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