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My list of "demands" it's LONG!
September 7, 2005
9:57 am
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I C Gold
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The following letter I wrote to "R", an old love from 12 years ago. Please read it and see if I'm too demanding or needy sounding.
Thanks,
IC Gold

July 30, 2005
R,
I really can’t describe how happy I’ve felt since you called me yesterday. I feel like a weight was taken off my heart and now it’s free to live and love again. You must know that I never really got over you and have thought of you many, many times in the last 12 years. I really did make a sincere effort this past year- not to forget you but to accept that what we had was in the past and that’s where it was destined to stay. T(theX)and I had our problems and I’m not the easiest person to live with I’ll agree but I really did try this past year. It’s important that you know that so you can fully understand why I was never able to completely put you out of my mind or heart. It’s simple: I love you. Totally and completely.
I loved you from the first time we met thru the very minute you are reading this. If this sounds “mushy” I’m sorry but I’m writing this for the both of us. For my emotional health and so you’ll really know how I feel. As I told you this evening, there are many things that are different about me. I’m not and will not be the same person I was then. I’m going to get to a more healthy emotional and mental state of mind. That will serve the both of us SO much better in the long run. We talked about “deal breakers” and I really don’t need to write about them much. I think we understand what I was talking about and that we would both have to be mature and sit down and REALLY discuss the issue that is causing the problem. I refuse to let things build up until I explode over the littlest thing and want the same from you. Communication was non-existent in my past marriages and I won’t jeopardize what we can have over a failure to sit down and talk. Sometimes it won’t be easy but as long as we both know we have to do this for our sake, it’ll be worth it. I want to be secure enough in our relationship that if we do have a fight-big or small, that it’s not the end of the world. That security will lead me to not hide my emotions and be honest and open about what’s bothering me or whatever the issue is. You aren’t T and I don’t want to ever compare you negatively to him. You and he have some of the same traits but are 2 different people. I don’t realistically expect us to be Ozzie and Harriett. We are going to fuss and disagree as all couples do- but we understand each other and like so many of the same things, I can’t see horses, guns, hunting, and fishing coming between us. Issues like money, jobs, bill paying, K(child) and T, drinking, drugs etc…these can be potential issues. We haven’t even talked about church and religion…
You’ve mentioned several times in our conversations about me coming up there to stay. Why? Are you opposed to moving or being down here? Is your income potential so much better up there? Can it support the 2 of us and all we have until I find something good up there? I’m not going to leave my $1700+(net) a month job to go and work at some po-dunk hole in the wall. We’re both too smart to live poorly the rest of our lives and too old!!
I’ve worked too hard to get this place the way it is and really don’t intend to lose it or sell it. At least not sell it for 6-8 years. I’m not that crazy about my job but it’s inside, and it’s easy work for great pay. Truthfully, I’m not supposed to rent the house out, it violates my contract I have with the mortgage company. But I’m probably not the first person to do that…

There are a lot to things you are going to have to make adjustments on if we are to have the kind of relationship we both want and deserve. When I come into your life, I won’t be coming alone. K will be coming-even part time she’s a factor to be considered-You will be a step-dad (even if we aren’t married) and that’s a big responsibility. I have to know I can trust you with her and not to do anything that would be detrimental to her. I have some real trust issues anyway and she just compounds them. I’m just going to be bluntly honest here because that way nobody is confused or anything misunderstood. I don’t mean to seem nasty or such. You are going to have to stop with the drinking and driving, the getting arrested, and anything else T can use against me if we are together to stop me from seeing my daughter. And he will, believe me. You will be a large part of K’s life and that calls for putting her interests and concerns first, Even when she’s not with us. We have to live right and morally so I can continue to be in her life. (THIS IS A DEAL BREAKER)

You’re going to have to “straighten up and fly right” as the old folks would say. Which means a decent place to live, a place for her to stay when she comes and visits, a steady job and taking care of whom we hang out with and are around. Bills paid on time & try and save some money so we (you, me and K) can do things as a family. I know you’ve said you’re working on most of these things and I’m glad. I’m writing them now so that there are NO misunderstandings on how I feel about these things.
I don’t want there to be any surprises that come up in the future-and somebody says, “we never discussed that etc…”
Do you feel that you can do these things at age 40? You’ve lived your life pretty much how you’ve wanted for a long time now and these are some BIG changes I’ve asked you to do and accept. You just have to realize that we would be an instant family if we do this, and that “family” includes T and his “other” plus your family and mine. This just wouldn’t be a “me and you” thing like it used to be. I’m not trying to keep you from the things you enjoy. I wouldn’t love you for who you are if I did. Go to the woods, go to the deer camp and do whatever, just don’t show up drunk at the house if K’s with us that weekend…and the foul language has got to be toned down as well. Even if she’s NOT here, I find it offensive and I don’t want to get back in the habit of cussing so much again. I’ll slip when K’s around and that’s not a good thing.
Would you even consider going to an AA meeting? Or have a problem if I went to an Al-Anon meeting. You have a drinking problem~ regardless if you stop for a month or whatever. I know you are a functioning alcoholic but you are still an alcoholic and that requires some higher levels of help. I’m not asking you to give it up, but knowing and recognizing that you do have a problem-which I think you do, is half the battle. I will not support your drinking or use my money or money meant for bills, etc to support your drinking.
(DEAL BREAKER)>Another DWI and I’ll leave for good. I’m not concerned that you’ve never been convicted and “got out” of them; the truth is YOU were DWI and that’s not acceptable in any fashion. I’m not going to sit by and watch you kill yourself, me or someone else because you chose to drive drunk. I can’t and won’t put K or myself thru that.
I won’t tolerate the excuses and all the other BS that goes with that. If you are so unhappy that you feel you have to get drunk then YOU need to get the demons in your head and heart out and deal with them so you can put them to rest and be a better and happier person.

I can’t and won’t come into your life with the feeling I’ve got to take care of you and your drinking or have the pressure (intentional or not) of if we are together you won’t drink. That if you are happy with a woman in your life, you won’t drink. That’s the wrong approach,
1st and foremost you need to be happy with yourself before you allow someone in your life. To ask someone to be there so you CAN be happy is too much to ask. I can make you happier-but you have to happy with you and your life before you ask me to come into it. The same is true for me. I won’t let you into my life completely until I can be happy with my self and the choices that I’ve made.
YOU make the choice to get drunk. This is a lifelong illness you have and it can’t be fixed but just saying you won’t do it. It’s going to take a concentrated effort on your part and to take the step “outside yourself” and see the potential harmful effects of what you are doing both to you and the people you love. You have to recognize the type of places, people and things that make you start drinking and decide if you think it’s worth it or not. I WILL NOT play 2nd fiddle so to speak to your alcohol demons again. I’m not going to place that emotional burden on me. It’s not my issue. Facing painful emotional baggage is a bitch, believe me I know. I’m doing a lot of that now but it’s going to make me a better person and that will carry over to my next relationship. I think we covered the smoking item pretty good. Are you ok with ALL the smoking to be done outside? Smoking inside a house makes it reek and no amount of cleaning can get rid of the stench of stale smoke, plus the residue it leaves on things. Smoking really does bother me and I’d rather not have it in the house.
God, I don’t want to sound like I’m nagging or setting my sights too high.

We deserve to be happy and have a nice place and together we can do this. It’s just going to take planning, work and a commitment on both our parts both to our goals and especially to each other.
R, with all the emotional abuse I’ve put up with over the years, you will have the task of making me feel like I’m the most important thing in your life (semi deal breaker) I’m not saying I want to be your sole reason for being, that you live only because of me. My goodness-I’m not THAT needy!
There are things you can do and I’m actually going to write some of the basics here and after you read this, you can decide if you still want to do this and work on being comfortable with them and please feel free to do more if you’d like!!

It’s pretty simple~~ 1. I need kisses hello and good-bye regardless of what time it is, where we are or if we are angry at each other. 2. I need to hear you tell me you love me frequently-you are more the type to show it and that’s ok but I need to hear it as well.
3. Public displays of affection-nothing major-things like hand holding, a kiss on the cheek when we meet, put your arm around me-this makes me feel safe and “protected” and I haven’t had much of that. It shows people we care about each other outside of just being alone together. That we are happy and aren’t afraid to show it publicly.
4. NEVER telling me that my idea or how I handled something was “stupid”. You are smart enough to word it so you don’t hurt my feelings and explain how I could have done it differently.
This one I’m putting in but it’s not really a major concern I have: not cheating on me! I’ve never worried about that before so I don’t see any reason to start now. 5. Tell me you love me when we get off the phone.
6. The bedroom stuff we can work out in person. J 7. Winking at me when we aren’t able for whatever reason to touch. It just makes my heart jump when you do that! I feel like I’m important and you are thinking about me even when you are occupied with doing something else at the time.
8. Never put each other down in front of people if we are mad or upset (this is hard for me to do and I will have to work on it A LOT). We can “fuss and discuss at home alone what the problem was or is. I want to be able to come to you and tell you anything and know you will listen to me. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve got to “fix” any little problem I come to you with. That’s a man trait I know. But all I want is for you to listen-that’s all. If I want you to fix it, I’ll ask you to. I feel strongly about being able to come to you and saying “we have to talk” and you give me your attention and time. Most of the time I’ll feel better just getting it off my chest and heart and don’t need anymore than for you to listen and be there. DON’T FIX my problems or me!! Damn I sound needy after reading this. This really may be too much to ask you to do!
You and I both have tempers and if we have a major blowup, someone needs to leave the room and take a 5-minute “time out”. Neither one of us can leave the house-just the room. NO name calling, or threatening to leave or divorce (if it comes to that) EVER. I will not tolerate ANY real or implied threats of you walking out on me. If we do this, it’s forever. Good, bad, right, or wrong.

That’s why getting all of this discussed up front is so very important to me. Like a house, I want a strong foundation to build the rest of our lives on so it doesn’t come crumbling down around us. I really don’t know if I could stand to lose you twice in one lifetime. I think it would just about kill me.

You need to understand I will of course seek your opinion on K issues but the final decision comes from her Daddy and I. Are you ok with that? And with the fact we will never have any children of our own? I find it sad we won’t, you would be such a great dad. But it’s the timing thing again. Guess we should just be thankful God has given us this opportunity to finally have a chance to be together.
Are you willing to support my barrel racing? Not financially, but emotionally and physically? Be ok if I go somewhere on a weekend? You are welcome to come but I know you hate that kind of thing. Tune my horse up for me? Get a trailer we can use, let me borrow your truck… My horses are a BIG part of my life and I’ve sacrificed for so long and put my dreams on the back burner that I won’t do it anymore. That’s part of the reason I’m going back to school so I can afford to barrel race. I’m not saying I want to haul for the World, unless I have that caliber of horse…then we’ll see. We will need to have some separate interests and healthy friendships so we can continue to grow as individuals as well as a couple.

I’m thinking your hunting/ hunting trips and my barrel racing covers some of that.
I will not tolerate secrets (except Christmas and birthdays/anniversaries) of any sort. I want to know everything, good or bad. Secrets lead to deceit and lies it just snowballs from there. It’s not up to you to not tell me something because you want to “protect my feelings”. I’m a big girl and can deal with my own feelings. Nothing can ever be so bad as to make you think deceiving or lying to me is ok and in my best interests.

How do feel about me being in the company of other men? Do you feel secure enough in “us” that if I’m talking to a man you won’t “go over the edge?”

Please understand that everything I’m asking you to do in this letter, I will also be doing. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to put more into this relationship than I am able to. It’s not going to be easy, a lifetime of unhealthy relationships and bad decisions are some very hard habits to break.
I wanted to write this so we would have a good place to start from. It’s good we are going to take this slow. We’ll have a long time to make up for all the years we were apart.
I hope you are able to learn from this letter and I haven’t asked you for more than you are able to give right now.
I loved you then and I love you now,
L

September 7, 2005
10:19 am
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Anonymous
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I am sorry, I didn't read this all - cuz I am at work and short on stolen moments to get here -

but my first instinct is - has this man expressed a desire to be with you - and has he shown that he knows you have problems and is aware of what they are and a willingness to fix them?

I find it hard to accept that you have to outline and point out such things that seem to simple to any normal person - like the fact that you have a child and they would be part of the package.

I think you are throwing alot out there on the table - and wonder how healthy this is for you. Wonder if you are taking on the responsibility of setting the rules and expecting him to obey them. Wonder why you would need to "set rules" for a healthy relationship - if this person is healthy for you - the rules should be obvious - and not need outlining.

if this person is not healthy, but you trust he can be - then he should WANT to get counseling - on his own, for his own reasons, and SHOW you he can treat you with decency and respect - and build a relationship on THAT foundation - not a promise to do it - that's not a foundation...that's a potential foundation - and someone told me not to fall in love with a man's potential. Granted I still struggle myself with this one - but my partner has acknoledged his faults and is going to go get help working out what else is wrong and how to fix it and where to go with it.

I think setting up a laundry list of rules - and including something so simple as "kiss me hello when you come home from work" is way out of line - and unnecessary if this is truly a good relationship worth working on. If you have to go to these extremes, it does not look like a promising future.

I see so many red flags here - I am sorry I can't support the idea behind this letter or the contents either - I would rather see you find a partner who has this all figured out for himself - not who has to be taught. This letter reeks of control issues - and I think you will end up hurt if you send it - either because he rejects it - or because he agrees, but then can't follow thru or meet your expectations.

are you going to coda or any other therapy or 12 step? do you have a sponsor? maybe someone more professional can help you?

I wish you luck with your decision, ultimately, it's up to you - I hope it works out right for you.

(((HUGS)))

September 7, 2005
10:34 am
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ICGold,

I totally agree with alicat. This laundry list is great for yourself or if you are journaling in order to sort out what your wants, desires and boundaries are. Perhaps going to a CODA group or counseling for a bit might help to curve your "need" to list so many demands onto someone?

Not that these are not acceptable, but how would YOU feel if the letter was written to you? Is there a promise to this relationship? How about curbing some of your ideas and just state you need to talk and discuss some major life/relationship issues?

Reading your letter sounds like this guy has no chance nor does your relationship. What I mean is, just writing a letter with your laundry list does not make a relationship fixed like a contract; read, agree and sign here, please.

Honestly, I was exhausted from reading about halfway down and just had to stop, cuz I think this is more for yourself rather than to send it to someone. Keep posting as we are here to hear you out and help in any way we can.

~Sew~

September 7, 2005
10:41 am
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taj64
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Oh my I C GOLD, but I also see red flags just a waving around. This letter is a letter desperate to win someone over with someone who just called you. It is might presumptious and too demanding. Love takes time, a friendship need to be built, not demanded. Whoa girl, that is very codependent behavior. SLOW DOWN, PROCEED WITH CAUTION. The red flag is you gave too much away, too needy, too desparate. You are cornering him. And it is too romanticized for someone that has not been in your life for very long and also just getting out of relationship. I am sorry to disappoint you but you asked. A simple approach like, do you want to go on a date and talk over coffee/tea?

September 7, 2005
10:43 am
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sewunique
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One more thing. Keep the letter....for yourself. Then bring it out again to read in about six months after you learn more about yourself and heal a bit. Then read your letter...for yourself only. You will surprise yourself where you are now and how much you have grown and healed and will be very glad you never sent this letter!!!

with warm hugs,

~Sew~

September 7, 2005
10:47 am
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when I went back to read more, I too got exhausted - and sew is right, how would YOU feel if someone sent you this - it would make me feel like someone is totally telling me I am not "good" and that nothing I do is right and everything about me needs to be fixed, so why bother? Can your ego stand it if you got this letter? and can your ego stand it if he says "a relationship with you is not worth the changes that need to be made"???

I think it's great you have an idea of your own boundaries - and face to face, it may help to express your expectations - but you can't put them out there on paper, and like a contract, pray he agrees to abide by them - what if he doesn't? what if he promises but can't or won't deliver? are you setting yourself up for trouble? do you believe in your heart this person can give you what you need?

I think we all should have healthy expectations and boundaries - but should in turn find a partner who can meet those needs without being told when, where and how - that this should come from them - their abilities, not some kind of contract and agreement that they will give you what you want.

I don't want to sound like a bully - just want you to be so careful with something like this - it seems like a good idea, and I have written many letters like it - and had many confrontations over the same issues. In the end, the ONLY relationship that is going to survive is the one where my partner came to me and said "what can WE do to make US better - what can you do, what can I do and what can we do? - what are you willing to do and here is what I am willing to do...." He came to me, he wanted it, he figured it out and was willing to hear what I wanted.

without the same, I don't know if anyone's relationship can survive.

maybe I am wrong, but I hope I am right - cuz my future depends on it - in the end tho, my therapy will help ME be a better person, with or without him. And the truth is, it would be EASIER without him, and I could easily enjoy being single again - but I want him with me and he wants to work hard to be with me - I'm willing to try as long as he puts forth the same type of effort - even if his results aren't as good as mine or the same as mine.

September 7, 2005
10:49 am
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good point taj - this is someone you have known for 12 years, but if you met someone new - on a first date - and laid all this out on the table, they would RUN as fast as they can. Put all this in a personal ad, and you would be guaranteed to get no replies.

I know - cuz I have been guilty of doing it - and scared many a man away.

step back, take your time with this man and see where it goes - he may surprise you - he may let you down - but there is no way a letter like this would guarantee you get what you are looking for.

September 7, 2005
11:04 am
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CAMER
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this is a long letter, and you have known him for 12 years....now, has he made "any" of these changes in these years??? that should tell you alot about him. And it seems more like YOU are persuing him, and expecting him to change, when it seems like he has been living his happy go lucky life for 12 years and you are still persuing him.

I do not mean to sound harsh at all, but 12 years is a long time, after a certain point, i think "what you see is what you get".

I would just be verrrrryyy careful with this man, he could promise you the world for a few months then go back to the same ol' guy.

Be true to yourself on this and go with your instincts...you know him the best.
🙂 ((camer)))

September 7, 2005
1:54 pm
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gold,

I agree with everything that has been said. It sounds like you don't think he would know how to treat you unless you spell it out. This shows zero trust in him and his ability to make sound judgements. It gives him no room to be who he is, to breathe. You can wait and see how he treats you and keep your eyes open for red flags. This letter sounds like a response to a marriage proposal where the man is an idiot. Has he asked you to marry him? The whole letter seems to assume the worst about him. You don't say one nice thing about him. You don't mention anything that you appreciate about him. The letter does not sound loving. If he has asked you to marry him then the only thing I would say is that he has to quit drinking for a period of time before I move. I would need some evidence that he can stay sober. But the rest of the letter could just be the things you love about him and apprieciate about him, expecting the best to happen, not the worst!

There's nothing wrong with wanting your needs to be met but I won't demand it. Take things as they come and see how he treats you and see if he meets your needs. You can speak up about your needs in the moment as things arise but not before you've even given him a chance.

love,
kathy

September 7, 2005
4:28 pm
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Hey, GREAT comments guys, I see what you are all saying and I'm thinking that since he's left me before when I needed him that trust is an issue. Looking back at it & I did keep a copy,it does sound like I'm talking to a 5 year old, I haven't heard from him in a few days, but that isn't unusual. I'm low man on his totem pole of priorities....I felt like I should explain things so there would be no "gray areas", I feel a condependent control issue when I re-read it though. Kinda of it's my way or the highway. More control issues~

I told a friend the other day that I may have had illusions about "r" and I because I just wanted SOMEBODY, whether he was right or wrong, just someone who gave a damn about me. Truthfully, he's never going to change, he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is and I can't accept that way of life anymore. I've grown and changed in 12 years and expect more out of my relationships now... I will miss him in my life, maybe we can just be friends, Nah, I don't do that very well with x husbands or x b/f
Thanks for the wake up kick in the behind, you guys are the BEST!!
((to all))
IC Gold

September 7, 2005
4:31 pm
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and thank you for being open to our views - it's not easy being told that something you want to do so badly is not really a smart idea.

sounds like you sent this?

if so, guess you can't take it back - but maybe it will make him "stay away" long enough for you to get on your feet and realize this isn't healthy for you.

if he wants you, you would be high man on his totem pole of priorities, and that's where you SHOULD be - accept nothing less.

September 7, 2005
4:36 pm
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yeah I mailed it a couple of days after I wrote it, we've talked about it some but nothing came of it. He won't go to AA, doesn't care if I go to al-anon, the rest he's just forgotten, so I guess I'd better as well.

I would rather hear it from you guys who have been there when it counted than a friend who would just agree with me because they know how much I care about him.
Dang, I hate this isn't going to work, that's going to make the X SO SO HAPPY, he can't stand "R"...LOL
Like "R" and I would be together so I could piss off my X!!

September 7, 2005
4:40 pm
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taj64
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Wow, I am impressed. I think it is good to accept you as you. Thank you for being honest with us and with yourself. Now you got two Xs, and you learned. Next.....

September 8, 2005
10:21 am
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I C Gold
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Well, I decided NOT to contact "R" and just let things either go idle or end. I'd like to hear from him but I'm thinking NO contact would be healthier, NOT EASIER but healthier. Some soul searching on my part has led me to think maybe he's the "caretaking,rescue" case I can't cure so that's why I keep going back and trying again and again.

I can't seem to accept that I can't "fix" everything and everybody.... I'll need some major "hand holding" during this, it's NOT going to be easy.

September 8, 2005
10:33 am
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we'll hold your hand - you are doing great things to help yourself and "god" always helps those who help themselves! Not sure your views on god, but know that most people are more willing to help those that help themselves - the ones that want all the work done for them are the ones that wear out the "help" and their welcome.

we're here - and you have come a long way - great insight, great lessons you are learning and steps in the right direction.

go take a LONG bubble bath and enjoy the feeling of BIG STEPS toward success.

AND DON'T beat yourself up when you backslide - that's all a normal part of the process - just dust yourself off and KEEP GOING!

yeah for you! you are an inspiration!

September 8, 2005
10:48 am
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taj64
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Hi again. I too am holding your hand. Allow yourself about 3 to 4 months to giving of yourself or fixing of yourself instead of others. It is time to heal for you. Having no contact though seems very hard, in the long run, will allow other opportunities for you and allow you to grow to be a better person. This is not healthy person for you. And you deserve someone really special, not this one. If you let things idle, you are in the still hoping he will come back mode. Make a conscience effort that I need to be alone for awhile because I am important. Close the door on this one. You can do this.

September 8, 2005
10:59 am
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taj64
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You know something I C GOLD, I am going through the same thing if it is any comfort to you. I know my ex is gone from my life, I cannot see him anymore, we have no more contact, yet it is still hard. I think about him all the time, still. It has been 3 weeks since we broke up, and not in good way. Not at all what I was used to with him. Anyway, my thoughts of him are so incredibly mixed now. I get disgusted because he caused so much pain to all those around him, yet miss him at the same time. That is crazy! I want to forget him but know I cannot. I want to forgive, but haven't not been past the anger enough. It is slow process. I am allowing time as I suggested to you. A lot of the time right now, I feel indifferent. I am hoping this is normal and will pass. It is better than moping around, and been sad, depressed. It beats pacing around, not knowing what to do with myself the way I was 3 weeks ago so I have made progress with that. So I wanted to shed some light about me and also ask you to hold my hand too.

September 8, 2005
11:10 am
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Taj, yes, I'm here for you as well.
What strikes me as so "funny" is getting over "R" will be harder than the divorce I'm going thru right now.
Basically, I'm ending two VERY long term emotional relationships right now. I maintained feelings for "R" while married to X and now that I've decided to let "r" go an X has moved on with his life and other woman, I"m doing a double whammy... I've never NOT had someone I could fall back on, it's kinda scary...Wonder when I'm going to get the nerve up to tell "R" or if I'll just NOT call or write and wait until I'm a bit emotionally stronger. He's gonna freak out because he was so excited that we were finally going to be able to do this. Strangely I'm sad but not as much as I thought I'd be. I'll probably have bouts of it though. I just have to keep reminding myself he wasn't healthy for me and I can't spend my life caretaking for him and ignoring me.

remind me of that often!!

The sense of loss I feel seems not to be about not being with him but the fact I couldn't fix him like I wanted, I feel like I failed and want to keep trying until I get it right. I am having trouble "letting go" of the fact some things or people just can't be fixed.....that make any sense?

But for now, I'm feeling strong,
going to go mow my grass, it's great therapy for me. The bubble bath will have to come later.

September 8, 2005
12:44 pm
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he doesn't seem that excited to me - yeah, he got the letter, but instead of coming to you and discussing it, he has chosen no response - how many days has it been?

if I loved someone and they gave me a letter like that, I would want to sit down and get to the bottom of it, immediately.

if I was that excited about being with a new partner, I would NOT be initiating no contact, no matter how irritated I was with something they said or did to me.

shows he doesn't want it as bad as you may think he did.

I know how it feels to give up the idea you can change someone or that they can't be fixed...I am stubborn - I know this thought all too well - and it's the core of codependency - if we love them enough, we can fix ANYTHING or change ANYTHING.

truth is, we can't...it's their choice, their decision, and their effort that will make it better - and we can't love them and do everything we can and give up ourselves in the process to make them want to change - then what do we have to give? who are we? and if we are nothing, because we gave so much, then what do we have to really offer? we can't be any good to anyone else if we aren't good to ourselves first.

I wish I had a lawn to mow - I love the peace it gives me, and the smell of fresh cut grass.

September 8, 2005
12:53 pm
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Well there you go we have something else in common. It is much harder to get over my ex BF than ever my husband. I think it was because I was more comfortable with my husband and I knew I could not fix him because of his acoholism and drug addiction. I connected much more emotionally with the BF. I was attracted to him more. I enjoyed talking to him but again I guess that was the fantasy of it. Ali is right too about his response. You didn't mean as much to him as he did to you. I have to admit the same in my case. I have. I know. You remind me, and I will remind you. There is no turning back. Move forward, not backward. Keeping saying this to yourself.

September 8, 2005
1:33 pm
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"R" has said he doesn't want much contact right now until the divorce is final. Says he's doing it for me, I don't see how.. I wanted to hear from him and by him NOT calling, he's letting X have the control because "R" doesn't want to "cause strife between X and I". The more I think on it, the more it sounds like a cop out and stringing me along. If he loved me like he says, he'd be here to support and help me thru this, not disappearing into the wild blue yonder. and I SO badly want to justify "R"'s behavior into something postive for me or for "us". I keep giving myself excuses for him, and allowing him to do this, talk about NO boundries...well, the boundries are going up and he's sure going to be sorry he wasn't there for me, then again maybe not! He's always said I was the best thing that ever happenend to him but this is how he shows it? Nope, not this time.

September 8, 2005
2:02 pm
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nope, he isn't.

just keep coming back here for validation - cuz in the end, it IS easy to make excuses and make ourselves think good when the bad is happening.

we'll help keep your head on straight.

he's probably protecting his own ass because if his wife finds anything out, or he keeps up contact w/you, she could use it against him in court - it's about him doing it to benefit him, not you - do you know for sure he is going thru with the divorce?

September 8, 2005
9:44 pm
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"R" isn't married, he's been single for several years now~go figure.

I'm the only one who was married and now that's over as well as my idea of riding off into the sunset with "R".
Hmmm healing and healthy living vs a lifetime of not being a priority in his life, his drinking and pot smoking. Damn, put it that way and I have NO other choice....Healthy and healing it is~ 🙂

Thanks everyone for helping me know that while this is hard, it's for the best!

September 9, 2005
8:06 am
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don't take the back seat to his addictions - you deserve to be up front at his side - or anyone's side. playing second fiddle to anyone's addiction is short changing ourselves and settling for second best.

let's all stop settling - we deserve more!

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