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My Life so far
July 20, 2007
2:21 pm
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DanoPud
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September 24, 2010
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Always Lonely Never Alone
When I was just a little boy,
I lived my life in fear.
My Mother left and my Dad drank,
So I thought I’d try a beer.
Had some beers, smoked some weed,
And it washed away my fears.
At 12 years old I didn’t know
I’d be screwed up for years.
I liked to drink in the morning,
The afternoon and all night
I was such an angry person,
When I drank I’d always fight.
It never really mattered to me,
If I won a fight or lost
The booze and drugs had a grip on me,
No matter what the cost.
Sherry was the girl I loved,
When she left me, I was floored.
She took our daughter Tiffany
The little girl that I adored.
You’d think that I would see the light,
And quit the dope and booze.
I just drank more and things got worse,
I had nothing left to lose.

I drank to kill the heartache,
That overwhelming pain.
I drank to forget the things I’d done,
To erase the guilt and shame.
I had to leave our little town,
The only place I’d known.
I’d used up my friends and family,
Then I drank because I was alone.
I’d awaken in a jail cell,
Remorseful and full of fright
What’s the charges officer?
Where’d you pick me up last night?
You assaulted another man
And tried to resisted arrest.
Off to jail I go again,
To give my mind and body a much needed rest.
When I get out I’ll change my ways,
This time it won’t be the same
I’ve learned my lesson I know where I went wrong.
I can beat this drinking game.
Upon my release I stop in for one,
Just to see how it goes.
Two hours latter I’m under arrest,
For breaking a stranger’s nose.

I’m out of control I really need help,
And I can drink no more.
Off to treatment I drag my ass,
But they kick me out the door.
Come back when you’re ready,
To be honest about your life so far.
I’ll show them bastards who’s a drunk,
So I go to the nearest bar.
I’m in and out of several jails,
Treatments centers and the nuthouse boot.
I’m doing armed robberies, selling drugs,
I really need the loot.
I tell myself I’m not that bad,
I just got shit going on in my head.
Suicide crossed my mind,
I’d be better off if I were dead.
The snakes and spiders attack me,
And my eyes fill up with tears
They are going up my ass, down my throat
And in my nose and ears
God please just let me die,
So I can cause no one more harm
I’m strapped to a stretcher shaking,
With an IV in my arm

I’m not a child of 12 any more.
I’m a drunkard at 26 years old.
The remorse, guilt, shame and fear,
Are now 1,000 fold
I’ve lost everything I cared about,
Mostly the 2 girls that I love
I’m beaten enough to say an honest pray,
To the Almighty God above
This prayer is not like the others I’ve prayed,
While trying to swing a deal
This pray is from a broken, hopeless man,
And for the first time it is real
I ask dear God please be with me,
Help me to get sober and clean,
Help me be honest with myself,
And never again be mean.

I’ve been sober for many years now,
And my life is just my life
God has given me David and Stacey,
But he has cursed me with a wife
I have a total family now,
But I still feel so alone
I have house to live in,
But you could hardly call it home.

Into my life comes beautiful Dee,
The woman of my dreams
I think I’ve found some happiness,
I guess I’m wrong it seems.
Then I go and fall in love,
But she doesn’t feel the same
Again I feel the heartache, loneliness
And that overwhelming pain
How come I care so much for her?
I really don’t know why
She held my hand and kissed my lips,
But then began to cry.
She told me that she loved me,
But she was in a drunken state
She forgot all that was said and done that night,
But to remember is my fate
On the outside she is confident,
But I know she hurts inside
Almost ever night she drinks too much,
And in the bottle tries to hide.
She must awaken to remorse,
Fear, guilt and shame
I know exactly what she is going through,
It’s such an awful game

She starts off having a few drinks;
She is really lots of fun
I’ve tried to talk with her about the things
She has said and done
She says she doesn’t want to talk,
I was drunk and don’t recall
Sometimes it hurts me really bad;
I am cursed to remember all
Sometimes she drinks to kill her heartache,
That overwhelming pain
To forget the things she’s said and done,
To erase the guilt and shame
She was upset and very angry,
As she yelled into the phone
Because of it she almost lost,
One of the best friends she has known
She has to know how much I care,
And that I understand her pain,
There is not much more I can do for her,
And it’s driving me insane.
I’ve seen a different side of her,
Not many get to see,
It might be why my feelings for her,
Have had such an effect on me.

Stacey asked me why, do you look so sad.
Dad why are you so down?
I think I got to give up on Dee,
I said with a subtle little frown
When I see you two together,
You’re both so happy and care free
Trust me Dad; she really likes you too,
Be patient and you’ll see
She’s really pretty and I like her Dad,
Don’t quit on her so soon
Even if you can’t deliver,
Offer her the moon
Almighty God please comfort her,
Trusting in him I start to pray
Protect her during the night time
And guide her through the day
Be there for Sherry, Tiffany, Stacey
And David my only son
Teach them how to walk through life,
But to know when they should run
What ever happens in my life dear God,
Please never let me moan
I may be lonely sometimes,
But I know I’m not ALONE!

July 20, 2007
2:29 pm
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red blonde
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I am somewhat confused....you wrote "And my life is just my life God has given me David and Stacey, But he has cursed me with a wife I have a total family now, But I still feel so alone I have house to live in, But you could hardly call it home." ????

July 20, 2007
2:49 pm
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CAMER
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so David and Stacey are your kids right?? what relation is Sherry Dee and Tiffany?? keep posting, it helps.

July 20, 2007
3:34 pm
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DanoPud
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Sherry was my girlfriend when I was in my teens, we had a child Tiffany. I drank lots, did a lot of drugs and Sherry left me with our daughter. Tiffany is now 25 years old, I barely know her and talk with her a little on the msn.
Stacey and David are my children that are with me. My wife is gone now, she never wanted children in the first place, but had them for me. She was a very distant person and there was never any real love between us. We met when we were both getting sober, she got pregnant so I married her. Dee is a girl that became my best friend, but now she has moved away. Sherry, Elaine (my ex-wife) and Dee are all woman that come from Dysfuntional Alcoholic homes and before me were involved in some kind of abusive realationships.

July 20, 2007
3:38 pm
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DanoPud
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Stacey is now 17 and a recent survivor of Cancer. David is now 15. There mother left,which is great for all of us. Dee couldn't handle me not treating her badly so she has moved away and is now with another guy that abuses her. She is still a very good friend of mine, and I talk with her a lot. She knows she needs to get help for the abuse she has suffered and is now repeating the pattern, but she is scared. I know that a real relationship with her would not be good for me. But i am lonely.

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