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My life - like nothing you have ever heard
February 20, 2007
5:13 pm
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student1
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I can tell you because I don't know you. I know you won't tell my family who still does not know the whole story. I am afraid of telling my TRUE story because I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid of letting my parents down. I am afraid that my mother who is ill, will die feeling like she failed me. I am afraid my husband will not love me. I am afraid that my children will look at me differently.

I am afraid...
I am afraid...
I am afraid.

February 20, 2007
5:18 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Yes write the book. You must have talent and stick to it ness because youve already written one.
Good luck with your new life.

I agree with the others. Perhaps you are discontent because you have always had to struggle. just be lean back and relax

February 20, 2007
5:28 pm
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student1
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The book that I published is a children's book. It is not the same as a biography.
I don't think that I can tell the truth.

February 20, 2007
7:23 pm
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student1
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I just spoke with a friend of mine who is a very talented writer, she knows 70% of my story. She would like to get together and discuss the book idea. Now I am scared, my stomach hurts. Maybe this isn't such a great idea after all.

February 20, 2007
8:11 pm
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eurogurl
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fear of success and all the responsibility that comes with it and how it will change your relationships

February 21, 2007
9:46 am
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atalose
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Why does it have to be biography?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 21, 2007
9:59 am
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ggfred4
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student, my heart has been drawn to your thread and story. Has it helped you to share it here? I wish you the best, you don't have to rush any decisions until you are ready...take care.........gg

February 21, 2007
10:26 am
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notsoneedy
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wow Student1 - unbelievable story.. how inspirational to have started at such a young age with babies and the trials that you and your husband have gone through together. How does your husband feel about your success? you mentioned that you are picking fights with him.. are you bored in the relationship because things are calmer now? do you feel like you have become better than he in making a living for your family? and why are you afraid? after what you have been through i cannot imagine what could be scarier than telling the truth.. you could be such an inspiration to younger kids -- consider speaking at schools - your children must be so proud of you and their dad. But you seem like you have something else to tell us here.. do you?

February 21, 2007
10:42 am
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dustpuff
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You have been through so much. I can't imagine. You are one of the lucky ones to break through and stop dancing with the demons.

February 21, 2007
11:56 am
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student1
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Thank you all for your support.
notsoneedy-The story I told you all about my life is a short story, there is so much more that I can tell you. If nothing else it's sort of a small timeline of major events.
when you said IF there was something else to tell you...I felt busted. I smiled at the screen, and felt like you really knew me. Writing the story depressed me a bit, however, I couldn't wait for someone to read it. I don't understand why, but when you said that,.. I felt heard. I feel good right now. Thank you.
-eurogirl, I am afraid of so many things. Responsibility, mmmm...I'm not sure. I think I am afraid of being exposed, I created a profecional woman, a woman of character, that many people respect. I am afraid that my husband will not forgive me for not trusting him enough to tell him the FULL truth. He knows most of me but not all.
atalose-That's a good idea. I am definatly going to think about that.
ggfred4-Thank you, It does seem to help now, at first I was unsure. I feel good that you all now and you don't hate me.
dustpuff-I still feel like they call me to the dance floor, I am tempted when I have too much on my plate. I think that the only reason I don't go back is because I am afraid my husband will go back, he was soooo bad. I do not want that life and those struggles again.

February 21, 2007
12:29 pm
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ggfred4
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Okay student, I have to respond to the comment, "I feel good that you all know and you don't hate me." I UNDERSTAND this statement, but I want you to know that most here on this site have similar fears with their own stories. You are NOT alone!
I too feared telling my story here, opening old wounds, plus worrying what people would think of me. I have found love, comfort, and sheer compassion here and hope you will feel this also. Take care, many of us have also told "parts" of our stories and not everything and that is okay too...You are doing GREAT!

February 21, 2007
12:57 pm
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student1
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Thank you, I appreciate your support.
Has anyone delt with sexual and physical child abuse?
I am a Jr. in college now, and I have not taken one math class because when I was little if I did not understand my homework and I would get frustrated and my dad would beat me badly. I stopped bringing my homework home in the fourth grade. Now I am stuck and college math is scaring the hell out of me. I still feel like I can not express myself.

February 21, 2007
2:20 pm
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student1
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Am I truely stupid? I am looking at this algebra and it looks like somesort of martian writing. Can someone please tell me what the heck I am looking at? I need help is there anyone that can help me? Please send me some tips on math.

February 22, 2007
5:29 pm
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student1
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I went to math Class last night. I was so scared. BUT...I HAVE A GREAT TEACHER AND I TOTALLY GET IT!!!!!
It was amazing, I can't belive all these years I looked at math books and felt so stupid like something must mentally be wrong because people I knew got this stuff, my 11 year old got this stuff and I couldn't. BUT I DO NOW>>!!!>>>
I haven't felt so good in soooo long!!!
((((me)))))

February 22, 2007
11:04 pm
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notsoneedy
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student1 - first of all.. after i wrote the message inquiring about whether or not there was something you were not telling us.. i felt like such a jerk.. so you reply made me feel so much better. the one thing about this site is that we can be honest here.. on day i will tell my story.. but right now.. i am not ready to even thing through it myself.. i only hope to be as strong as you student1 - you are amazing.. a younger sister to look up to.. meanwhile. i have a 15 and 11 year old. i do all of the accounting at work.. and i couldn't figure out 9th grade math.. go figure.. and on the 7th day..God created calculators..lol.
notsoneedy

February 25, 2007
3:38 pm
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student1
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Hi everyone. How are you all today? I am okay (with myself), however, I hate my husband today. I have these days when I just want to be alone and do what I want to do or listen to the rain and have no interuptions. I look at him and wish he wasn't hear. Yesterday I loved him, we had a date night, we went to watch Goast Rider at the Imax. What is wrong with me? I see him sleeping on the couch and I feel angry, he has done nothing to really make me feel this way. What should I do?

February 25, 2007
7:13 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Maybe your anger isnt' really at him. Maybe it is oriented on him because he is there. (there's a psycholocical term for it but I don't know it) You have a lot to be angry about. Take some time and figure it out.

My husband and I went to see Ghost rider. We had a great time.

February 28, 2007
10:14 am
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Anonymous
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student1,

I haven't finished reading you story, but I think that if you created kind of an outline of the biggest events you could make them chapter headings and try to write a chapter on each.

I think you story is interesting and maybe with a book on writing a memoir or something you could seriously get a book out there.

I thought I had kind of a wild story, but wow you story has some pretty amazing drama and twists and turns.

OK...got to get back to my studies, but I wanted to let you know..

February 28, 2007
10:43 am
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ggfred4
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Student, You asked if anyone has dealt with sexual and physical abuse...I am 50 years old and have just started dealing with both of these in the last few months. Actually, I had forgotten a lot and hid the rest. As I am remembering now and beginning to deal with these issues, it is very painful and scary. It is helpful that I have this site and a few very supportive friends. I could not deal with this alone. When you talked about the "math beatings", it reminded me of the whippings I got from my dad. We would get whipped if we ever went barefooted outside. I just started going barefoot last year and still get nervous doing so. When I got whipped, he would pull my pants and panties down to my ankles and whip me with a belt. It was very humiliating. I still have a very hard time with that memory. I am just telling you this so that you know that you are not alone.

I see you are gaining confidence with your math. Do NOT give up. There is help even online.

What you said about your husband, I can definitely identify with. I think Tiger Trainer had a great response to that.

Take care student, your story has really tugged my heart....gg

February 28, 2007
6:15 pm
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student1
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Thank you all for responding. I am still dealing with my anger issue, I've been this way for a few days. It seems everything is just bothering me lately. I have my second math class tonight. Belive it or not even with all these issues I have I am actually looking forward to it. The following days after my first math class I felt beaten or something. Like I had got into a car accident. I guess it was a release of stress??
Today...I need a hug. I need to feel someone hold me that knows me. I need someone physical that I can tell all that I have told you. Why do I have this sudden erge to tell all???

February 28, 2007
7:09 pm
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ggfred4
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(((((student1)))))) This is the best hug I can give you. I hope you realize that this sudden urge to tell all is a good thing. Good luck in class tonight...

February 28, 2007
7:21 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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(((student1))))

March 7, 2007
12:02 am
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student1
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(((back at cha))) Thanks. I am doing okay. A little sad, I am not sure why...that's how I always am. I have the oppisite emotions that I should have. I realize it, I just wish I could change it, without faking it... you know??

March 16, 2007
12:34 am
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student1
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I joined weight watchers last week, today was my second week, and I lost 2 lbs. ( yea me! ) I am still having trouble dealing with my husband. The good thing is that he landed a great job with an oil company and now he makes more than me again, he feels good about that. I am in my fourth week of my math class only six weeks to go. I am hanging in there, I try to keep myself as busy as possible. Every time I slow down I think too much...does this happen to you?

March 16, 2007
4:33 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I think too much anyway. I am glad your husband is feeling better. good luck in math.

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