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my life is crazy-Jewel
May 5, 2007
2:37 pm
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jewel
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Yes, I am suppossedly bipolar. I am now on lexapro and klonopin. I am taking it as directed. A couple weeks, I tried to kill myself. I was extremely drunk and took a couple bottles of drugs. I got scared and woke up my friend and told him what I did. We called 911 and the medics and cops came. They had me ingest charcoal. I was in intense care for a couple days and then they took me to a pscyh ward which I hated going too. My new boyfriend came to visit me each day. I know I broke off things with my fiance and I am already seeing someone so I am not really following all the rules, but I seriously love this guy. He truely cares about me and I miss him so much when he is away. I wasn't like that with my ex fiance. I never wanted him around. I am happy now and thank God I didn't die. I had my whole family worried about me because they weren't sure if I was going to make it. I am glad to be here and see all my friends on aac.

Love,
Jewel

May 5, 2007
3:55 pm
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Shaney
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Honestly jewel, I don't know what to think or how to feel about what you're doing right now. I care about you, but I struggle too much with what I WANT to write and what I know you want to hear, when I see so many contradictions in your posts.

Suicide is a VERY serious thing to a great number of people here on this site. It's nothing to take lightly. I know someone who successfully killed themselves less than two weeks ago. She took a bunch of pills and was found with a belt strapped around her neck in a hotel room. She had written a letter to her mother, who was completely devastated when she recieved the phonecall from the hotel clerk who found her. The letter to her mother described her feelings. She had no happiness, she had no hope, and she had no will to live in a world where she thought of herself as being too different to ever fit in. The thought of death, was far better than the thought of living. This wasn't her first attempt, but it goes to show you, that if you attempt to kill yourself enough times, eventually you succed. She succeeded.

So, forgive me if I find it very disturbing to hear of you describing your suicide attempt in one sentence, only to talk about how happy you are with your new boyfriend, in the next sentence. Maybe you can help me to understand how it's possible to attempt suicide one week and be completely elated and okay with everything the next? I'm not coming down on you, but I would truly like to understand how this is possible. Love - Shaney

May 5, 2007
4:20 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Shaney))) ty...very much!!!

May 6, 2007
6:05 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I joined this site after the my husband attempted suicide in the same manner you tried. I am so thankful he recovered yet we are still struggling with the effects it made on our life. Communication and a long time together has helped.
I hope that you and your new loved one can communicate effectively about this sothat your life together can be a good one.

May 7, 2007
11:17 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Dear Jewel,

Here I sit struggling. I have wanted to post to you for a while. A LONG while. Yet, I have hesitated at ALL costs. The problem is, I am hesitating at your cost, and ignoring my costs, and I don't think that I can anymore. I have to say what is on my mind.

My heart hurts for you on SEVERAL levels. I worry about what goes through your head. I worry about where you will be tomorrow. What thread will pop up next? What threat? What promise? What story? What truth?

I have spent the better part of 18 years of my life suicidal. I believe that is due to lack of control of what happened to me as a child. Abuse, lack of love, neglect, and still fight with all of that. The past is the past, yet the demons live on.

In that time I wanted attention bad. I wanted someone to care, I wanted someone to love me. I wanted to matter to someone. I was willing to do and or say anything almost to get it. I started having sex at 12, I did drugs, I did a lot of things. I was willing to do whatever it took to be someone to anyone. I hurt. I believe that led to making my suicidal feelings only worse. I was willing to tell anyone and everyone that I wanted to die. I was.

I attempted suicide on more than one occasion. The very first time, I have a lot of people that would tell you that I scared the shit out of them. They literally pulled me off of the train tracks. Though I truly wanted to die...that I believe NOW, was for attention. I did it with other people around...I wanted someone to SEE the pain, I wanted the attention that it would bring me. In college, it was NO act for attention. I told NOBODY, I took some pills, and it didn't work. I failed...that only made me feel worse. BUT...I didn't tell the world what I had done.

Now, that said...I know that you are hurting. BUT. I see you continually make it worse on yourself. I see you here, looking for someone to help you out. YOU HAVE TO HELP YOU. I see you start thread after thread, and as soon as you aren't getting the attention that you desire, you threaten suicide. I see you start threads stating that nobody cares, or I see you post that you would like to keep your threads near the top because you need support. Or I see you start a new thread stating that something else happened and you are now suicidal again.

We are all here for support. Every one of us. Let me make this clear the way that I see it. We are not all here to support YOU, we are here to support each other. It bothers me a LOT that you are so concerned about yourself that you care NONE about what others post to you. Unless they are pittying you, you don't want to hear what they have to say. That makes me CRAZY. You are not alone in your pain here. And truly...you are not the only suicidal person here. What I watch you do is very hard for me to swallow. I have serious suicidal tendancies, and I struggle to even post about it here anymore. There was a point that I strongly defended you, I hurt over things that were said to you, and about you. But, your behavior hurts people like me. I need support too. So does everyone else. How am I supposed to start a thread stating that I am feeling suicidal and have people take me seriously? Can I truly expect that?

I see people sugar coat things for you, and even almost baby you. I have ignored it, and it is NOT a jealousy thing, I get a lot of help here. But, I struggle to talk about one of my biggest struggles because of your behavior. If you are truly suicidal GET SOME HELP. You will have all of the support you can ask for. I see your support slowly start to dwindle, because it is hard to read what you are posting. DO you get that? You are happy one moment, and all is grand. The next minute you are taking drugs that you are addicted to. Then you are leaving your fiancee and IMMEDIATELY living with another man. How much do you know about yourself? We used to hear that your fiancee was everything and that he was wonderful too. Now it is this guy. GREAT. I don't care who you date, who you marry or who you sleep with. It isn't my business...HOWEVER, you are creating a worse problem for yourself.

I was very upset when on your thread people were asked by someone if they were feeling manipulated by you. I was so angry that there were not words. Now, I am seeing it. I, myself, feel manipulated by reading your posts. I have seen you say to people that they are being too harsh, or to not post to you if they don't have anything soft and sweet to say. Yet, I have dropped you hugs (because I understand suicidal feelings) and not once have you EVER mentioned it. You ignore EVERY post that doesn't give you the warm fuzzies. You know what...it is wrong, it is wrong.

I want to be able to discuss my issues too. I want to be able to talk about it. I don't feel everyday that I am going to die. And if you truly do, I am sorry. I don't attemt it and come here and talk about it. Now, admittedly, I have on RARE occasion talked to people here that I wanted to help bring me out of that feeling, and I will still send out a post to the one in particular, because she can help me...if she is around. I started a thread way back in October I think, asking what was more selfish. I wanted to die. I still do on occasion. I think about it a LOT. I do want the pain to stop. But I am not doing everything that I can, and KNOW that I shouldn't be, to make it worse. It makes it hard to support you that way. How do you support someone. What words are you looking for? What do you want to hear from people?

I want to know where my feelings come from and how to make them go away. I don't want them for attention. I don't need them. I would rather be completely unnoticed, and unloved than to live with the feelings of absolute worthlessness, and deep desire to die that I have. It is about the pain to me. The pain gives me that desire. We never hear what causes your pain. Just what you want to do for whatever reason, when twenty minutes ago...you were fine. You make it very difficult for people to see suicide for what it really is.

I have struggled with this for a while now. I care about you, and I care about what happens to you. But, you are hurting me. You are making it difficult for people to see suicide for what it is. A painful place to be. A lot of pain that one can't find any other way out of, thnn to want to die. BUT...like me, you cannot expect someone to keep supporting you, when you are doing NOTHING to help yourself. NOTHING. You don't believe what others say about your diagnosis. You don't believe a LOT of things. But you have started drinking again, you are doing a LOT of things to make it harder for you. You have to start doing something to help you. Drugs aren't helping (it is another addiction, which makes things worse), drinking isn't helping, and guys aren't helping. I would never want to see you hurt yourself. I do care. But you are making it tough for me. And I had to tell you that. I need people to take me seriously, I need to be able to talk about this as something that is NOT attention seeking....

PLEASE...do something to help yourself. I am not saying that I don't believe anything that you have said because I am sure that I can. I have been there. BUT...treat it as serious as it is. You don't need the attention anymore...YOU NEED HELP. Please get the help that you need.

May 7, 2007
11:20 am
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Isis
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(((Mich)))

(((Jewel)))

May 7, 2007
11:35 am
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Shaney
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Jewel -

I hope you view these recent posts with an open mind and an open heart, jewel, and know that the intent here is to help you help yourself. There are a lot of caring people here, who may share a lot of the same pain as you do. Listen to them, and learn. We all care for you and only want the best for you. But you have to want the best for yourself, and be willing to take the steps to get there. Take care - love - Shaney

(((MICH))) (((JEWEL)))

May 7, 2007
12:20 pm
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smarterone
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Jewel
I understand in a big way what mich is saying. I dont understand how you are with another man. I just remember shortly, how wonderful happy you were planning a beach wedding, hair and all. You have put this man thru so much and then boom, he is gone. Whats up with you. I really think you need help. I care abouut you and honey believe me, with the problems i have with my 31 year old son, i have tried to take pills and all. I heard Dr. Phil say the other day that you cant give into a relationship, unless you take care of yourself and give yourself what you need. That hit me hard. I am going to take a break from this relationship and stay with friends. My son has torn my life apart, aafter all the other problems of a husband incarcerated. I have nothing, i dont have food, gas for myself to get for medical help nothing, but the only person that can help me is me. Im just finding that out. I am taking myself out of everyone else life, cause i am taking m b/f down with me and he doesnt deserve that. You should do the same. Good luck.

May 7, 2007
12:22 pm
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mj
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I think focusing on ourselves is the solution! We all need help and support or we wouldn't be here.

May 7, 2007
12:27 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mich...thank you...you said something that was difficult to say and what I know I was thinking.

You are brave and strong...I hope jewel can learn how to be brave and help herself.

When someone wants to commit suicide, it's hard to help them...cuz you can't tell if they are just looking for attention, or if they are serious.

I try to take EVERYONE seriously, but after hearing time and time again how they are hurting, but unwilling to get help...it makes you not want to help anymore.

My mom attempted suicide THREE times...first two were attention seeking...tho she didn't threaten, just did it...the third time, she was ***THIS*** close to death and spent a good amount of time in the hospital, where she got lucky and found an excellent therapist.

I can tell you, as a daughter of this person...HOW SCARY it is to find your mom in a coma on the couch...from an overdose of pills...and know if you had slept any longer and not found her in time...she wouldn't have made it. To watch her in the hospital, knowing how much pain she was in...then have her come home and walk on eggshells, afraid to trip her up again, afraid to trigger another "incident".

Mom recovered beautifully...and lives a happy normal life with the help of medication...but it was a long painful process and it took her WANTING to live to make the difference.

But for so many years, I worried that she would backslide and always vigilant of signs she would do it again...cuz she didn't talk about it...she just did it.

Because of this...I guess I get irritated by people who threaten alot...cuz it makes me feel like they are just attention seeking...and I don't want to feed that kind of need for attention.

You have to want to help yourself before I can even TRY to help you.

And stories like Mich's make me realize how many people out there who ARE seriously hurting...and I wish they would reach out...but because their pain is so strong...I know they won't. Or struggle.

In all of this, what baffles me most is that a hospital would discharge you when you are obviously hell bent on harming yourself.

I also find it hard to be happy that you found someone so wonderful, cuz not that long ago, you were thrilled to be marrying the best man you could ever find...and now he is nothing and you are convinced that you never loved him in the first place.

Please...all I ask is that you stop self diagnosing, stop self medicating...and see a doctor and be 100% honest with them...let them know what is truly going on in your head and let them help you help yourself.

I know that I would love nothing else than to help you get better...but it seems like nothing that is said here does a bit of good...and all our efforts are wrong...and that none of us really have the answers you seek.

I hope you take this chance to grow and learn and move forward with recovery...if your new partner is as supportive as you say, then he will gladly support you while you seek help...I would hope that he is also urging you to seek help...and that your family is also.

It is scary to lose a family member to suicide...if you truly love your new partner and your family...then realize that all these suicide attempts and self destructive behaviour is ALSO destroying your relationship with them, as well as hurting them too.

If you don't love yourself enough to seek help, maybe you love THEM enough to seek help...so you can all feel better together.

May 7, 2007
1:55 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi Jewel,

We all care about you, but we can't do more than you do. We cannot invest more emotion and energy than you do in your recovery.

If you want to get better all we can do is offer support and encouragement. You have to do the actual work. That's your responsibility.

Now if you don't want to do the work, that's okay too. It is completely your call. But trust me when I say this: Everywhere you go, there you are. YOU need to be different for you to find happiness.

The one thing that is reinforced to me every day is that recovery is not an easy journey. We get out of it what we put in it. And that's the signified truth.

May 7, 2007
4:27 pm
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caraway
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Previous posters...

I totally get what you were trying do in being real with Jewel, but it reads like you were being judgemental. I think that we are supposed to refrain form that here?

Jewel, I hope that you will read these and understand that folks here really care about you and sometimes being honest is the best way to show that one cares.

Cary

May 7, 2007
4:38 pm
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MIch--
thanks for sharing your pain. I had no idea how you were feeling. That was very brave.

May 7, 2007
4:51 pm
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katarina
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I TOO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS ON YOU. WE ARE NOT HELPING YOU WE ARE ENABLING YOU. YOU NEED HELP. HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE. LOSE THE BOYFRIEND AND GET SOME HELP. WE DO CARE. BUT, YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOURSELF.

May 7, 2007
6:22 pm
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bevdee
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MJ

I agree that we should focus on ourselves.

Reading this thread (and the numerous others) and observing my reactions to them have helped me to listen to my triggers, and hopefully I will be able to address those with therapy and looking inward.

(((Jewel))) I hope all is well with you.

May 8, 2007
4:43 pm
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((Jewel))

May 8, 2007
7:25 pm
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smarterone
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**((((jewe)))

May 9, 2007
10:49 am
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mj
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I wish you well Jewel. I know you are doing your best and I hope that you will continue to reach out for support and know that you are cared about. We all learn at our own pace dear!

May 9, 2007
12:22 pm
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The horrible losses of those left behind are not to be trivialized, nor are the struggles of others who feel suicidal and work against those feelings. No one is denying the pain of those individuals, I struggle with suicide myself day to day.

However, you are talking to Jewel and this is fresh pain for her. A person is put on the defensive when spoken to about the pain they are causing others and "how can they act that way" or what ever is said in so many words. No one wants another person to talk about taking their life- it makes us feel helpless and angry. But if you care it's not about you is it? We are not babying her when we are empathetic and try to understand without attacking. We are not enabling when we keep a suicidal person engaged in conversation about their sadness, their needs, their desires and frustrations. Has anyone ever needed to call a suicide hotline and done so? That is what they do, until you get past the moment. They do not use guilt as a technique.

Jewel, you came here for understanding. I hope you got some, I know there is some tough love going on here as well. If that is harsh, take what you need and ignore the rest. It is out of concern, but I do wonder if we all stop to consider that when people are suicidal their PAIN is greater than anything else they are feeling, including love or concern for others. Please, let's focus on Jewel. The truth is, that is what depression does. Has anyone ever really been to these depths if you can assert otherwise?

Criticism will not cojole the suicidal or self destructive person from seeking release. Only love, listening and attempting to understand. Honestly I see sweet concern in StronginHim's post, but after that the floodgates to criticism were opened- and I know if I were suicidal, or fresh out of the hospital how I might respond to that- but I can't speak for Jewel.

Jewel- I can see why you are appreciating the love of this man right now. When I was suicidal and had my bf around I did the same, and he was the only one that understood where I was coming from. When we are that devastated and depressed, the warmth of another seems like a miracle. But I hope you find love in other places as well and are able to rebuild your world. Please stay healthy, be with your guy, but fight your addiction- because if he is all you have right now it will come between the two of you and rob you of all you have left. You have done it before- just come up against some stress. You can do it again.

hugs,
ella

May 9, 2007
2:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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Let me share a bit more from the vantage point of being a "suicide survivor." (Definition of a suicide survivor: one who has lost a loved one to suicide.)

My late husband of twenty years (and the father of our two sons) committed suicide 3-1/2 years ago. The reason? He had a chemical brain imbalance, yet refused to take his meds. And please note, these meds CANNOT be combined with alcohol. Without the stabilizing effect of the meds, prescribed for his brain chemistry imbalance, his serontonin levels dropped. That makes a person suicidal. Such an individual is incapable of seeing or reaching beyond the pain. All they feel is the pain. And they commit suicide, as their only way to STOP the pain.

Jewel, it is my hope and my prayer that you will contact your doctor(s) and let them know that you have resume drinking alcohol. Commit yourself voluntarily for treatment, if necessary. Anything is worth it, to save your life. If you are bipolar, your life may depend upon your continued, proper medication and refraining from alcohol. I don't want you to die, Jewel. Nor do I want to see your life twisted and tormented by the horrendous "up's" and "down's" of being bipolar and drinking. The alcohol will impair the effectiveness of your meds and compromise your brain chemistry dramatically.

Save yourself.

Love,

Ma Strong

May 9, 2007
6:53 pm
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Ma Strong-

You truly have a gift for communication. You do it with wisdom and compassion and without judgement despite your upsetting personal experience. I hope Jewel gets to read your message. If I was spoken that way when I needed that, I know it would have resonated with me. Instead, I got a lot of anger from people who loved me. In hindsight, I understand them. At the time, it simply wasn't helpful.

-ella

May 9, 2007
7:02 pm
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mzrella -

Thank you for your kind words. I am actually in the process of completing my education and testing requirements to become a licensed, Christian counselor/therapist. Good to hear I may be headed in the right direction.

- Ma Strong

May 11, 2007
1:53 pm
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smarterone
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Jewel, just care about you, come back and let us know what is up ok.

May 14, 2007
12:33 am
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serenityali
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Jewel,

People take the time to write you, because they care. Can you show your appreciation by letting us know how you are? Friendship is about give and take....

Ali

May 14, 2007
2:45 am
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smarterone
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JEWEL\\ we have answered and listened to you from day one yes i agree you should answer, there will come a time and you will need us to answer and we probably will . Do the right thing and answer us.

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