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my life is crazy-Jewel
April 20, 2007
8:58 pm
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jewel
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I haven't been on here for awhile because I was without the internet for awhile and I have really been hurting. I broke things off with my fiance and at first we were getting along, but tody we got into a fight and I want nothing to do with him. I amn now living with a guy friend who I have feelings for. I started drinking again and getting pretty drunk, but refuse to do it alone. My new friend is like everything I dreamed of. We are so compatable,but I know that it is too soon. I broke things off with my fiance about a week and a half ago. I still miss him at times and cry everyday because I am not sure I made the right choice. I felt like I was falling out of love with him and it just felt like we were roommates anymore. Is this how it is supposed to feel when you are abbout to get married? Another reason I am so upset is that my wedding shower wss supposed to be tomorrow. People already bought me things and I guess they will just have to return the items. His family no longer likes me and I got a hate email from his sister saying I was rude and cowardly for breaking up with him. And I thought we were friends. My ex is already talking to new girls on my space which really hurts. I think about suicide from time to time and the only time I am happy is when my friend is around. He is being really supportive of the whole situation. I dont know what to do. I moved an hour away from where I used to live and have to find a job within a month when my unempoyment runs out. I am a mess right now and feel like I can't work. I have to get back on my own two feet but I feel hopeless most of the time. It hurts so bad that he is already talking to girls, but I guess I can't say anything because I moved in with a guy. That has to be painful to him too. I am going to go now and lay down. I just want to sleep most of the time because I feel that I can no longer handle life.

Jewel

April 20, 2007
9:33 pm
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) You were doing so well with not drinking, and it worries me that you have turned to alcohol. It sounds like you are depressed, and have lots of stress in your life. Alcohol will not make that go away, it will only make it worse. Please, please be careful and get the help you need. You need to take care of yourself right now...get things back on track, find work, get counseling or go to AA meetings. Find support and get your life back. No one can do that for you but you, honey. Please put yourself and your life as a priority, okay?

April 21, 2007
12:45 am
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hbdude2k
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I can't believe how messed up you are. Don't have feelings for anybody right now but you. Love yourself, not another guy after another guy. You can't be by yourself to find yourself. That is the only way you will learn and move forward. Your wedding was for security reasons. Your new roommate (boytoy) is another security for you. I bet you can't do a 90 day, no guy contact to find yourself, can you? Do it!!! There is help out there. The other guys just want to help you with your sex. That is all they care about. The only way for recovery is to be by yourself. Yes it will be hard for someone like you, but I have been there and never believed anybody until I did it. You did your X a favor of married anquish. Now fix yourself.....

April 21, 2007
2:30 am
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fantas
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Jewel, What a marvelous name to give yourself. Check yourself into a treatment center before your unemplyoment runs out and before your hurt someone else as you are doing to yourself. Don't think you can do this a lone. All the best.

April 21, 2007
3:34 am
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Anonymous
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As fanta said: "Don't think you can do this alone!" Get help! It must hurt that people are so quick to turn on you, but then you flipped the tables first...

I felt that you were sending a message when you questioned about your feelings on your marriage. So much doubt! Not a good ingredient to start out a married life. Protect yourself now. NO Alcohol, NO sex is the least you could do for the little mental sanity you still have.

Keeping you in my prayers, as always.

April 21, 2007
7:22 am
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jewel
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hbdude,

You hurt my feelings by saying how messed up I am. I am just going through a very hard time. I am not out huritng anyone. I didn't really write down all that happened between my ex and I. I actually had to call the police on him b/c he threatened me and broke down a door and hit me with it. It's a long story. I will come on later and write more. Thanks for the replies and I will get back to everyone later.

Love,
Jewel

April 21, 2007
7:26 am
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matthew65
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((((Jewel)))) I was wondering from time to time how you were doing. I was hoping and praying all was well with you. In fact, I was sure it was because you were not on here.

I am really sorry to read how things are going for you. I know the others said to get yourself help. Yes, that is the definite way to go; but, honey, I did the same and still feel like shit! What kind of help is out there for you that can help you with yourself? If you know, please get it and then let me know. OK? I still really care for you and want you to have the best. Remember, we were friends, right? I want to be there for you so if you want to start another thread, that's fine, too. Love & Hugs, my friend, Wendy

NOTE: Other posters don't think I think Jewel doesn't need help at all; but, there is another way one could approach her. She is down and depressed. Let's show her some sympathy and then tactfully tell her she needs help. Show her we care... Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, Wendy

April 21, 2007
8:55 am
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healintime
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Ah Jewel,

Honey - this is not good. And it's going to get worse until you get yourself out of denial and take taht first step. You're drinking again?? Are you mixing it with pills?

You're a little more than a year down the track from trying to do this alone. First you were taking the meds to help - then they became the problem and you became addicted. Then you picked up a drink - and now, weeks later, your engagement is over, you're drinking-drinking again and you are living with someone new.

Jewel - you need a program of recovery. You need to put your hand up and get help. You're focusing on all these symptoms - the depression, mood swings, the relationship, the "slip" in a hot tub, school, the air force, dentist appointments, plastic surgery.. You are in no shape to be dong anything right now but addressing the problem that is causing -all- of those symptoms. Which is, to be blunt, your alcoholism and addiction. If you're still mixing the alcohol and the pills then you are, truly, playing with fire.

And honey, people on these board have been, will be, supportive of you. Sympathetic of everything that you're going through. There is, however, a point where - what was that word "carefrontation?" is important. You are the only person who can help yourself Jewel. You. Not the fiancee - not the new guy, and not even your doctors until you sack up and let them know that you've been abusing, and overdosing on prescriptions you wrote a while back you can "get anywhere."

Get yourself to a meeting - make an appointment with your doctor and keep it. Tell the truth. Be honest with yourself, first of all. People on these boards do care - but you have to care, Jewel. You have to care for yourself and as someone who has been there, I can tell you for sure that you can either be brave, get help and start pulling up out of this nosedive right now by admitting what the problem is. Or you can go down the other path - it really is a fork in thr road right now. And believe it or not, things are going to get worse at warp speed. The being brave and getting help path may sound harder - but believe me, it's not. The other path is awful and will take you places you didn't ever thing you would go. Addiction is progressive and your life is going to keep falling apart at the seams until you take the one, baby step of getting help to help yourself.

This is pretty forthright - but the email that you started this thread with has been coming awhile Jewel. This point you're at started way back when you started writing about abusing the meds. What could have been a trip to your doctor to talk about that has now devolved to your drinking againa nd having yoru life turned upside down. What next? Where is this going to go? You get to decide. Truth is that when you leave rehab nothing in your life changes unless you keep up with the program of support that has started in there. It is absolutely not too late to turn this around but the longer you wait - the harder it's going to be.

Get. Yourself. Some. Help.

I'll say some prayers for you,

H.

April 21, 2007
11:53 am
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Anonymous
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Jewel, you´ve got great advice from Matt and Healingtime. Both were very caring carefrontations (as Healin put it). And very wise. I wish I could give you more at this time, but I can´t.

There´s one thing I´d like to warn you of. Often when we have prescribed med´s, our friends think it´s no big deal to ask for a pill once and again. This would be a good test with your new friend. Does he do that? If so, pls dont cave in and give out your med´s. Tell him you have a friend keeping them for you so you dont overdose. That you have a day´s med or two and can´t skip any days of med´s. Be firm.

Stay strong, girl. You are. Love,

April 21, 2007
1:34 pm
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fantas
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(((jewel))) how are you doing today gal? Great suggestions from all these people who obviously care about you. Please go and get help.

April 21, 2007
7:33 pm
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Anonymous
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Sorry to hear about the roller coaster and your fiance going a little crazy with the door throwing...like you need more unstability in your life....sheesh.

Is sound like this new man friend comforts you just like the bottle and the pills...it is hard to let go of these comforts when you feel like it is all you've got and you are grasping at straws.

April 21, 2007
11:29 pm
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jewel
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Thanks all. I will post more later. By the way, I only drank a couple times. I know that is still bad but I havent been drinking the last week or so. I am just trying to cope. My ex and I are on speaking terms. I forgive him for what he did to me. He said he would have never done that if he knew I was on the other side of the door. I believe him to but never saw him so filled with rage. It was scary. I am just hanging in here trying to make the best of everyday. That is all I can do. I start school again in a month so that is what I have to look forward to. And I have to find a job. That will keep me busy and away from the alcohol. I won't have time to drink or so much think about my breakup. Thanks for all those that replied.

Love ya all,

Jewel

April 22, 2007
4:56 pm
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jewel
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My guy friend has been acting weird since last night. I don't know why. It seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me. I know I shouldn't have moved in here in the first place, but I had no other place to go. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said a little because I need to get out of bed more often. I have walking pneumonia and have been depressed over this break up so I do stay in bed too long. Today, I am just so sick. I don't have a thermometer, but I am sure that I have a high temperature. I am borderline about to go to the hospital. That is how bad that I feel. And now my friend is acting weird. I can't handle anything else right now. I don't know what to do. In my eyes, I am doing nothing wrong. Out of the blue, he just started acting strange. He seems jealous of my ex and thinks that we are going to get back together and I told him since it was so nice that if I had my lawn chair, I would go lay out in my bikini and he said without me there in a text message. I was like what? and he just said nevermind. I don't know why I am getting all this attitude. I feel so sick right now and my heart is pounding and I am burning up. I feel out of it. My friend gets off work very soon. I wonder if he is going to call me. I need to find out why he is acting the way that he is. I can't take it too much longer. I have no where else to go though. My life is just so screwed up right now.

Jewel

April 22, 2007
5:15 pm
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fantas
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((((Jewell))) You sound really sick hon. Concentrate on getting better then deal with the rest of the stuff when you are well. It is hard to sort through things when you are this sick and on medication. I tend to get very sensitive when I am sick. Wish you all the best!

April 22, 2007
9:25 pm
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jewel
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I found out my new guy just wanted space. That I can totally relate to. I just dont know why he didn't come right out and say it. Guys are weird sometimes. Off to do the dishes sick. Not gonna be fun.

Jewel

April 22, 2007
9:35 pm
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Anonymous
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It'll be ok Jewel.

I don't get it...why'd your ex throw the door and how were you on the other side...were you fighting?

Have you read the mars and venus books...guys do need space and if you follow them into their cave...blah blah blah 🙂 Weird opposite sex thing...like we are any easier to understand.

Walking pneumonia...that sucks.

Would your parents consider having you move back home?

April 22, 2007
11:24 pm
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katarina
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jewel you need to move back with your parents, sister, friends. Please you do meed some help. it is not good that you live with this new guy. Work on yourself first. send you alot of support and thinking of you. going through a hard time also. i am tired of being in a loveless marriage. pray for me too.

April 24, 2007
5:42 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I have been reading all this good advice to you. Most of it makes sense. Forget men for a while and concentrate on yourself. When you emerge from concentrating on yourself and getting better, you will have a better idea of what kind of guy you want. and you can be happier than ever.

I put my vote in with those who ask you to get professional help and be upfront with them. Beleive me these guys have heard everything and will know how to help you.

April 24, 2007
11:43 pm
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(((((Jewel)))))-

Ouch. Wow you are going through a lot. You will need a support system.
Please get help with your addiction. I can speak from experience and tell you that any other problem will be completely insurmountable when you are using/drinking. You'll need the clarity of sobriety, even if it seems more painful, to deal with the obstacles that stand in your way and the emotional impact of them.

It's really difficult to stay sober when you are new to sobriety and you are going through a lot of stress and trauma. But the important thing is to get back on track. The good thing is, you've done it before. The bad thing is, you might choose this as an opportunity to beat yourself up and feel like a failure- only adding your slip back into old behaviors into one more thing to make you feel lousy. Please don't do this. You were having a hard time, forgive yourself, and give yourself the love and consideration that it requires to seek help. Like so many said above- you cannot do this alone.

A lot of us here have been around while you have gone through a lot and seen you pull through. I know you can do it again. I'm so sorry all of that happened to you... it really hurt my heart to read your post. Sometimes things have a way of getting better and you can't even imagine it because you are so down. I hope things turn around for you soon, I know they will improve a lot when you get sober- as much as you might not want to hear that right now.

You are in my thoughts and wish the best for you,

-ella

April 27, 2007
8:15 pm
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mj
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Jewel, I hope that you are ok. Breaking off with your fiance and moving in with a new guy is pretty drastic measures. I hope that things are balancing out with you.

May 4, 2007
1:06 am
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jewel
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My life is fine with my new boyfriend. I never felt so loved and appreciated. Nothing that my ex-fiance was able to give me.

Jewel

May 4, 2007
9:28 am
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smarterone
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Jewel, i definitely need an update, what new boyfriend. Please when you feel like it tell me what happened?

May 4, 2007
10:41 am
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mj
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I am happy to hear this Jewel.

Thanks for letting us know that you are ok!

May 4, 2007
2:54 pm
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Jewel -

Are you still on your meds?

- Ma

May 5, 2007
11:34 am
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Jewel -

The reason I asked about whether you were on meds is because I recall you sharing about being bipolar some time ago? Not sure. I could be mistaken. (I am famous for post-menopausal amnesia attacks.)

However, if you ARE manic or bipolar and discontinue your maintenance medication, the stresses and pressures of your life can propel you into intense emotional responses and emotion-driven actions.

Not trying to be unkind...just hoping to get a better handle on what you are experiencing.

- Ma Strong

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