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My letter
May 23, 2007
12:22 am
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thumkin
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Dear "S"

I miss you so much. Everyone tells me it will get easier but it will just take time. You know me I just have no patience. I remember how you said it does not get easier. My every other thought is of you. Do you know that? I wish you could have known the damage you would be causing by leaving.

They tell me I am going to get mad at you too. But I cant. Someone said they believe that of me. They said they believe knowing me that I will not get mad at you, and they are afraid I will not heal until I do. I have thought about this so much. I know why you left. I may not know the depth of the pain you were feeling but I know you were hurting. All I ever wanted was for you to feel happiness. I know you were not healthy. That is why I cannot get mad at you. But I did tell you I could not handle this. And you were wrong. I know you know that. There is not another you. I dont know what I am going to do now. I know that part of me is hoping. Everyone I meet I am looking for you. And when I realize they are not you I get so angry, at them. I am becoming a not so nice person. I need you.

People are saying behind my back that you did not love me. They are saying you would not have left me if you really loved me. A part of me tells myself they are wrong because I know you loved your daughter and you left her. You were the only person who ever made me feel loved, so they have to be wrong. But what if they are right. The thought that I did not cross your mind hurts almost as much as you being gone.

Why? Even though I know the answer to that question, I still ask it every day. Why did you have to go? I am so alone without you. There are so many of us now that are scarred for life. You were more loved than you knew baby. I am not the only one struggling to live day by day.

I have so many questions for you. I wish so deeply you could just talk to me. Do you hear me when I talk to you? Do you see me when i am looking for you? What is it like in heaven? Do you even know that we are still here without you? Where are you? Do you love me? Do you hate me? Do you forgive me? Do you forgive me for not being there? Do you forgive me for letting you go? I swear if I had it to do all over again, even if it only bought me one more day, I would have done more.

I am lost. I am searching for something I know I will never find. I cannot imagine never seeing your face again, hearing your voice again, feeling your touch again, and yet I have no choice. Because you are gone. And I dont know how to deal with that. I know I am being selfish. But I love you and I am hurting and there is nothing that will make this hurt go away. Can you hear me? I need your help. Please come back to me. Please just help me. Please Shannon take it back. Why? Why couldnt I have been better? Why couldnt I have been enough? Im sorry.

May 23, 2007
12:27 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((((((((((((Thumkin))))))))))))

Oh sweetie. MY heart aches for you. I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. I am sorry for what you are facing, the questions that you are asking. PLEASE...know that this is NOT about you. It wasn't about you.

Love you girl...

Mich

I am holding you close to my heart. Now, and always. You are there...on my mind, and in my heart. ((((thumkin))))

May 23, 2007
12:37 am
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thumkin
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Mich, With everything you are going through, thank you for thinking of me. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight. I think of you often and even though I am not posting much right now I do check to see how you are doing. I know things are hard right now but for what its worth I think you are one of the most amazing people i have ever met (even though we have not physically met). You too are ever on my mind and in my heart.

May 23, 2007
9:27 am
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sleepless in uk
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Thumkin, I have not experienced this kind of pain and am at a loss as to what I could possibly say to help you feel better. Everything sounds very trite and I have deleted large chunks of what I intended writing.

I am glad that you realise that S was not in a healthy way and I hope you understand that you were not in any way responsible for the decision he took at that time.

I hope that as time passes you will heal a little and may be better able to remember good times rather than the terrible way in which he left you.

Take care and be kind to yourself

(((thumkin)))

Love Sleepless

May 23, 2007
10:20 am
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Randomwomen2
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((((thumkin))))) thinking of you sweetheart

May 23, 2007
10:26 am
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ggfred4
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(((thumkin))) I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Like mich said, it is not about you, you did nothing wrong. I wish I could give you a real hug. I am proud of you for writing out your feelings here.
Please keep releasing your feelings and know you are not alone.

Take care...gg

May 23, 2007
11:26 am
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thumkin
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The clinical side of me knows that I am not responsible for his decision, but for so long I was able to help him not do it. He once told me I was the only reason he was still alive for the past two years. I just feel sometimes that even though his mind was made up and even though it may have been going to happen no matter what if I had just tried a little harder this time there may have been time for something to happen for him to get better and want to live.

So on top of my guilt that I know I should not be experiencing I have this pain. Im not even sure pain is a good word for it. I cant feel anything that actually hurts. Its more like I cant breathe. There is a song by Leanne Rymes that almost covers it. Probably wouldnt be this way. God I just miss him. And sometimes it just helps if I write about it here. I have not been able to actually put too much on paper. I used to journal all the time. But since this happened I just sit there with the pen in my hand and think about him. I cant write in my journal. I dont know why. Maybe it is related to why I cant sleep in my bed.

But thank you everyone who has responded your kind words do help.

May 23, 2007
7:24 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((thumkin)) I am sorry for your pain. keep on going.

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