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my kids dad ungrateful
April 24, 2001
7:39 pm
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ginnie
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Hello,
My name is ginnie and this is my first time here. I found this site very interesting and was wondering if anyone out there has any advice to help me. First of all i am a mother of a 2 yr. old and a 4 yr. old. about 8 months ago i left there father and now i am dating someone else. for the last 7 months i was bringing the kids to see there dad but recently i moved about six hours away. I told there dad that i would not have a problem driving the kids up there to see him but it wouldnt be as often as he would normally see them unless he wanted to drive here. He doesnt want to drive that far to see his kids. He says i am being unfair and i took the kids away from him. I then suggested that we settle this in court, he then just called me a bunch of bad names and hasnt called in over a week to talk to his kids and i dont think he even want to see him. i am so lost no matter what i try to do his is just ungratful. please help

April 24, 2001
7:57 pm
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Molly
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You didn't give any information as to why you choose to break up the family, and it doesn't sound like you spent much time trying to reconcille. In all fairness, you have made some choices, that is really going to make it difficult if not impossible for your children and their father to have any relationship, far less visitation. 6 hours is really not reasonable, especially considering their age. I can't stand to be in a car for 6 hours, I can't imagine a 2&4 year old, understanding with out future resentment. Its almost unrealistic to expect cooperation from him. Not knowing why you left, perhaps you intended him to not be involved. if you intend to stay that far, and already have a new honey, be prepared to go to court, and have a really good attourney. This is sad, and unless their dad is a real looser, its the kids that are going to loose all the way around.

April 25, 2001
2:32 pm
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ginnie
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molly,
I left my kids dad because he cheated on me, in fact he had been cheating for allmost a year. its wasnt a decision that i wanted to make but i knew if i stayed i wouldnt be happy and i couldnt allow a "family secret" to go on in my family.There dad was the first to move away, he moved an hour away and i still took the kids there all the time. He never once came to pick up the kids, never once did i complain. now that my career has taken off and i have the chance to make a better life for my kids i decided to take that offer. in my opion it was only fair to do what i need to do, i wasnt the one who threw away my family for someone else. are you saying that because i have been dating that i need a good lawyer? i dont know that much about child custody or going to court but i do know that i have nothing to hide. I do want there father to be involved but i dont see where its fair for me to put off my life for someone who doesnt want to give an inch while he expectes me to give a mile. we talked about my move before i moved and he had agreed that it would be better since he doesnt have a job and does NOT pay child support. but when i told him that i couldnt make the six hour drive every weekend he complained. i thought it was only fair that he can come here twice amonth as well i can go there twice a month. As far as my kids being in a car for six hours, they really dont mindas long as we make lots of bathroom stops they like to be in the car and see lots of things they havent before. i know after time that will probally change, but i think that what i am doing is only fair concidering what he has done to me. i could be wrong, but what would you suggest i do now. if you have any questions at all please feel free to ask i need all the help i can get

April 25, 2001
3:47 pm
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Molly
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Are you divorced? Was he required to pay child support, is there court ordered visitation? Different states, and different counties look different at co-habitation. Most of them ignore it, but you never know, and best to be one step ahead of trouble, if you know what I mean. Six hours is hell on kids, period. Sure its ok now, like an adventure, but it is still new, it most likely doesn't allow for much time, and then there is the drive back, but it sounds like you have leaned backwards to try to keep them together. Do they miss him, mention him, all that time with another woman, makes you wonder. When they are older, in school, and have made their friends, it will be like pulling teeth to get them to go,as the longer appart, the less interest. You also must consider the environment that they are in while with dad, how stable, how reliable, rules, etc. Assett, or liability? You need to judge non-biased the need for interaction, if he is a bumb what is the loss? I would make effort to get things legal with custody, child support, etc just to have finality, and something legal to protect you, considering a worse case scenario. yea, he sounds ungrateful, but he sounds like he has made a mess of his life, Drugs involved? he could also be pulling your chain to get you back down there? Never know. Its hard trying to do the right thing when no one else is. the kids will see clarity on their own, they ultimately will shout, need dad, in one form or another, or will never say a word. But protect your self, and go ahead, and draw your boundries. Sounds like your back was against the wall and you did a back flip. Be careful

April 25, 2001
4:10 pm
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malaikau
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Ginnie,

As the single mother of 2 children I can really relate to what you must be going through. My children have different fathers and both live more than 1000 miles away!!! They are the ones who chose to move. My situation might be a little easier because I have never been married. I think it's unfair for society to judge a mother for breaking up a family. It seems like this is very common, but few expectations are placed on fathers to maintain relationships with their children. It really isn't right. However, I chose to work hard to make sure that my children have the kinds of relationships they want to have with their fathers. So if I have to pay the plane fare, I scrimp, save, and borrow to make sure it happens. Someday, my children will have a good understanding of exactly what has happened in their relationships with their fathers. I think they will understand that I was willing to go to any length, and they can judge the rest as fair or unfair according to their own personal perspectives. You have the right to a new life, and if that means relocation, then that, too, is your right. My brother has custody of his son and moved from Texas to Florida. My nephew's mother moved to Florida shortly thereafter saying she could not be separated from her son by such distance. People seem to expect such behavior from mothers, but would be pleasantly surprised to hear that a father went to such lengths. Why? We have such a double standard with regard to such things! Live your life, Ginnie, have your new home, & new partner in a new place if need be. Your ex is responsible for his relationship with his children and can make his choices freely based on what he is willing to sacrifice. If he cheated, apparently he was willing to sacrifice quite a bit!!!

Respectfully,

Mal

April 25, 2001
6:33 pm
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ginnie
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molly,
I am not divorced, thankfully. I waned to marry him buthe would never mary me, i guess its aa good thing now! I have filed for child support, but in the state of California there isnt much they can do if he isnt working, plus he lives in oregon so its even harder for them to get anything out of him. I have filed child custody papers with the courthouse but they told me it would be up to him to take me to court for visitation because i cant make him see is kids. the only thing legaly that i know of is to file for paternity even though we both know these are his kids. They said so when he starts working and take child support from his paychecks he cant fight it then it will allready be established. As far as my kids asking about him my youngest does not my four year old does every once in awhile and want to call his dad and we do, but when i do he talks bad about me to him and then we just get in a big fight. I know whats its like to grow up without a father and i dont want my kids to go through that but i guess sometimes things just have to be. ohh yea this guy i am dating we do not live together nor does he ever spend the night. I dont think they are ready for that. this guy comes over on weekends and we usualy do family things like go fishing or go to family fun center. my kids love him very much and do tell him that often but i dont want them to think that he is to replace there father.

April 25, 2001
6:43 pm
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ginnie
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malaikau,
thank you for sharing that story with me. It has made me relize that i need to stop pushing there father to see his kids, if he wants to see them he knows where i live and how to reach me and he knows that i have no problem getting them there. I think for the kids sake he needs to grow up and be a responsible father to our kids. our kids are young enough now to love him no matter what but if he keeps playing these games when the kids are older they will not want a relationship with him. Your right about the kids judging for them selves. thank you,
ginnie

April 26, 2001
12:31 pm
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Molly
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I don't think from what you described of him, or his situation that it makes sense to put your self out there, its sick of him to put you down to a 4 year old. Child abuse. RE California, I think Oregon started, but if they owe child support they can't get a license of ANY kind, cdl, etc. So that will help with the money, but if he pays he is gonna try to get custody. If you have no marriage, no divorce, no paternity established, he is a bum, let him push the issue, for visitation. Make sure this guy your with is a keeper, then I say allow the relationship to continue to develop, but the last thing they need is for him to disappear too. i have seen that too often. But if he is a keeper, and good to them, why not let him in escessece become the father figure, if the bio dad, is not much more than a sperm donor, and is a bad influence, they have some one there that does all the father things. it takes more than a donation to be a father, like the bum wouldn't get married when you were pregnant, and then it happened again, clues, clues, clues. Be strong, your on the right track.

April 26, 2001
1:48 pm
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ginnie
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molly,
thank you for that info, it really helps. but it still hurts that there father doesnt seem to care, in fact today is my youngest sons birthday, he is 2 today, and i dont think his father is going to call to wish him happy birthday. im sure it hurts my son and he cant really express that to me but it also hurts me. in a way i still love there father i spent six years with him but since hes got this new woman hes changed. i cant really condem him for that cause i am also dating but i feel like he gave up all of us for her, and that hurts me too. as far as this guy being a keeper i think he is, he treats my children as is own but when do i know when my children are ready to except thathe will be a part of our lives for good. my oldest son has ADD and the slightest little change affects him terribly. are there signs that i should watch out for to know when they are ready for this or do i need to use my best judgment. this guy wants to take things farther but i am so scared it will affect the children. they dont know what our relationship is like they see him as my good friend, and there really to young to talk to or at least i wouldnt know how to approach the situation so they understand.
any info will help.
ginnie

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