September 29, 2010
First, I'm sorry as I have already brought this up on another thread but I am still in need of some advice.
To start, a little background. My husband and I married in Aug of 06. He was a single dad of a little girl and me a single mom of a little boy. We struggled at first to mesh two families but have done well, or at least I thought...
My parents were always a big part of our lives (my son and I) so they have a big imput in what happens now. My husband is constantly discipling my son for anything and everything (he denys this). I am not the only one who sees this but I am the only one who speaks of it to him. He does not tell my son he loves him and never shows affection towards him (my son is 6). It hurts to watch and I have brought it up maybe 4 times now. Today was one of them, he told me that I am overboard, and because of that he will not be disciplining my son ever again! The story goes on and on.
Also, my husband is STILL feeling sick (if you remember my last post). I am trying to deal with that in a calm manner even though my nerves are all over the place. I take tylenol PM right away after my kids are sleeping just so I can sleep through the pain. He thinks I am annoying to ask him if he is ok all the time. I suppose that could be true.
Anyway, I feel like a burden to him and my kids. All I do is worry. Should I leave him, work it out? What? Is this my fault that we are fighting like this? Is it so bad to have someone care enough to worry about you?
September 30, 2010
ishbish- The first issue about your son. If you dont feel that your husband is harming your son emotionally with what you described as uncaring unreasonable discipline then you might want to take back that responsibility. In otherwords you could let your husband know that he needs to come to you if there is a problem and you will talk it over with him then decide how to handle it. That way he wont be in the middle. Your husband does not have to have love and affectin for your son and your son does not have to have love and affection for him but they do need to respect one another. If your husband stated that he will not ever discipline your son ever again AGREE with him. That way its been handled on his terms and there shouldnt be any more problems. If he tries to discipline him again remind him about what he said. And make him stick to it.
If your husband does not want you to ask him if he is OK then dont.
Us co-dependents always feel like we have to control everybody and everything. It drives people away from us. Yes, it is best to allow people to work out things on their own and let them come to you if they need you. And it is best if you realize that you are not responsible for your husband or his choices.
September 27, 2010
September 29, 2010
I agree he doesn't need to discipline your son but since your son is 6, he may not understand the lack of love and affection and may internalize it as his fault or that he is not good enough. So if you go this route, make a point of explaining it to him. Personally, I would wonder about why the man I married is so harsh with my child and unwilling to love him. This is just me but I wouldn't be able to be with someone who couldn't love my child because then I would always feel divided. Do you show preferential love to his daughter? would he be okay with you treating his daughter the way he treats your son?
I agree with Destiny, if he doesn't want you to ask about him, then him be. He will let you know when he needs you.
All the best to you. This must be really hard!
September 29, 2010
Thank you for your support "again", I tried to talk to him last night about it but did not get to far. To answer your questions, yes I believe that I do treat his daughter as my own, I love her, take her out, help her with whatever she needs help with, etc. He just doesn't seem to have the time to do that with my son. You see we will have these conversations and he will change for maybe a day and then it will all come back.
As far as sickness in my house, I am incapable of not caring so much that I get sick. I hate myself for that! I really do, I wish I knew how to turn that switch off in my head!!!
September 29, 2010
First of all, I see that you is trying so hard to really blend this family together.
How was your husband treating your son before you got married?
And did it change right after you got married?
I don't like the blended family thing because as a mother or father to your own childrens, you are going to love them more.
You are stating that your husband don't show your son the love that a father suppose to show but you is killing yourself trying to make his daughter your own. NO
I remember getting up with this guy who also was a single dad, he had very small childrens, mines was already up there in age. He didn't want my childrens messing with his kids. He didn't want me supporting his kids, it was almost like we were all living together but living difference. Well I got tired of that and realize that this will never work, you take care of your childrens and I will take care of mines.
And about asking your husband is he alright all the time, you need to stop that also. If he ask you to stop it then stop it. You may be sounding like his mother to him.
September 30, 2010
Ish- The reason why us codependents drive ourselves crazy with worry is because we feel that it is our responsility to control every one and everything.
It is not your responsibility to worry about your husband, his relationship with your son, your sons relationship with him.
It would help if you allowed your family to feel whatever they feel towards one another. It is not your responsibility to control it. The deeper sense of belonging with blended families takes an average of 4 years to develop.
September 24, 2010
I know this thread is old but i felt compelled to reply anyway. The red flag that leaps off the page here is how is your son??. I have heard people say many times that kids are resilant and that they bounce back from things. I personally think thats a bunch of HOOey. The reason i say this is i think it could be a really bad thing for a six year old child to be exposed to that kind of hypercritical scrutiny. People can get really squirly personality quirks and even disorders from this kind of no win life senareo. Esecially a boy and a male role model or a girl and a female role model. I have raised nine step children and three of my own and just to share my personal experience kids are fragile and easily wounded. I have really come to know that positive reassurance is very important to the fragile ego/self image of our little ones. equally important is the realistic constructive criticism reinforced with solid unconditional Love. The distortion of withholding love untill someone earns it (or becomes a good boy/girl) is where so many of us become emotionally crippled. It is so easy for men to not realize how sensitive people are and how to nurture instead of command. Belive me i have worked at for years now and i still catch myself being a jackass every now and then. Please give that boy a hug for me and tell him that jv63 said he is a wonderful boy.
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