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My husband keeps cheating
August 11, 2007
8:06 pm
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lostnluv2
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Im new to this but am really needing some help from others who may understand more than the people i can talk too. I have been married for almost 4 years we have been together for almost 13 years total. We had several problems before our marriage always involving him cheating we always seemed to work throught
things and when we decided to get married i honestly believed that these problems from the past had been resolved. Ive always felt that I did everything in my power to make this man happy including things i would have never done. My husband works construction and has kept this job for 8 months (which is the longest he has worked since we first began dating) he is moved from one job to the next never knowing how long he will be at the present job. Since working where he has been for 3 months now i have found out that he has cheated on me again with 2 other women. He first told me he wanted a divorce and had been thinking about before. I had been suspicous of him for awhile and even confronted him asking if he was thinking of divorce,was in love with someone else, ect.. he always reasurred me that he wasn't doing any of those things and i was overractting as i always do. Like I said at first he wanted a divorce and i said i did too but after about a week he changed his mind. Now I feel confused on what to do? I love my husband but i now know that i have problems with codependancy i have let his problems become mine. I feel as if he will not change his ways and ill just be hurt all over again and I don't deserve it but I would love for things to work between us too. I think if he doesnt see he has some kind of problem that things wont change and I know now i cant change him only he can do that. Should I try to work out my marriage or move on with my life? Please give some advise if you can.

August 11, 2007
8:43 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Are there children involved? Will he consider going to councelling with you?
Get thee to the doctor ASAP and have some tests run. You will be surprised at how kind and understanding they will be.

Bitsy

August 11, 2007
8:52 pm
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taj64
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Actions speak louder than words. Why do all the work here? Trust is a key ingredient in a relationship and there are two women involved here? And he cannot stay in a job? Seems he has a little trouble with commitment. Getting married doesn't solve past problems, in fact most of the time, it makes that problem worse. Your husband is a cheat. And you deserve better. He isn't going to change unless he wants to. right now, his actions are very little. You seem to be the only one to keep it going. You deserve better. Cheaters cheat and cheat until get caught. Then they are sorry for a little bit, guilty, but they go right back to it as they know their partner will put up with it, stand by their man, but if you put the focus on you, and let him SHOW you that he can earn the trust then maybe there is a chance. But so far in reading your post, this guy is all about himself as he relies on you to take care of whatever fails. You need to look after yourself and find what you want. A week is not very much time to change. You do deserve better, at least you recognize that. Relationships take two people and both have to do their part, not just you. This is not a healthy relationship, and I would highly recommend counseling and just for you. Getting married never solves previous problems. He has serious ones and he also needs counseling, that is if he will go. Without trust a relationship is rarely successful.

August 11, 2007
9:32 pm
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fantas
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lostnluv2,
Welcome to the site. You are definitely in the right place. I am with Taj on this one. If he hasn't in 13 years, why would he do it now? Cut your looses, go into counselling and work on your codependency. Give him the divorce he wants and be glad that you are healthy. The truth is, other than the emotional turmoil this relationship is causing you, you could have been infected with all kinds of illnesses from him. He seems not value his life and therefore wouldn't value yours.

All the best to ya. Keep posting

August 11, 2007
10:06 pm
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Matteo
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lostnluv2 ~ hi and welcome.

I was in a similar situation, we were together on and off for over 7 years; I have no idea when it started but I wouldn't be surprised if it was early on, and it never changed. I had to make sure that I am not throwing everything away for one time but in reality I was waiting for the next time, which surely happened after a while. I never fully trusted him again, and his denial was driving me insane. When I had a lot of suspicions - I made my investigation - and guess what? It was just surreal...

We went to the marriage counseling or rather he went with me, but it was already over. I've lost a lot of time and energy: Waiting to "catch" him while at the same time wanting to believe his lies and having this uneasy gut feeling was exhausting.

Lesson learnt: nobody gets a second chance with me ever again. Once a cheater - always a cheater. Even if not - I am not going to waste my time to check if he is an exception of the rule; I did it once and it cost me too much.

To answer your question - first of all it is not you who should be working on your marriage, is your husband. Since his behaviour repeats itself over and over - move on with your life; in my opinion you are waisting your time. Take care.

August 11, 2007
10:31 pm
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taj64
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Sorry but I am still around and not ready to retire. But you are better off alone and happy than to be in a relationship where you are not sure if you are the "one" or not. Me, I like to be one and only. As there is no room for me, plus one plus two, etc. Why do all the work here, it is exhausting to try to be that #1, plus catch him in lies. It is easier to be alone and happy than do do this digging and feeling shitty all the time wondering if he is cheating, or going to quit so that then everything fall on you to pay the bills. Like Matteo says it is a waste of time, emotionally draining and nothing but hurt. Keeping on is keeping on. he is cheating, that is keeping on an on. And let you be happy with yourself keeping on than him keep on cheating on. It is vicious circle until you get off. or he decides to be faithful but his track record in your 13 years total says very little as quality is way better than quantity. He spent most of it cheating. Ask yourself if this is all worth it. I'd say the answer is yes. You are well worth it.

August 11, 2007
10:39 pm
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lostnluv2
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bitsy,

Thanks for your response and yes there are children involved we have one child together and he has a son with another woman. He had his son when he was 16 and at 18 we had our daughther. I have started councelling which my boss recomendded and I am glad I went. I do not know if he would consider counsilling im not even sure he realizes he has a problem. I think he does, don't it seem to sound that way to you. He says that he isnt in love with either of these women and doesnt know why he did sleep with them. Then he says it was just sex like its no big deal. He calls everyday now which he had stopped doing but I dont make myself so readilly available as i did before either I quit calling him and I quit sitting at home and waiting for him to call. I let him come to me now. I just keep thinking maybe if he realizes he has some kind of problem and gets help that we might be able to work things out but i know i also cant wait forever. Should i ask him if he is willing to go to counselling with me?

August 12, 2007
1:57 am
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rachaelhale
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Whether childern are involvled or not you need to leave him. I just found out my boyfriend was cheating and it hurts soo bad but you need to be strong and move on. I have a 13 & 11 year old old and I will be there for you.

August 12, 2007
2:18 am
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lostnluv2
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Thanks for all the responses I greatly appreciate everyones responses it is a great feeling to know I am not alone. I am scared to death about being alone. I have so many questions on my mind, like how do I explain this to the kids I am so afraid of hurting them. My daughter thinks the world of her dad and they have a great relationship together. My husband doesnt want a divorce NOW and I dont want it to look like this is my fault cause I know its not. We had said we would talk to our daughter together about this when he comes back home from working. She has to know something isn't right and I don't want some else to say something to her before we get to speak to her. I feel as if he really doesnt want to address this with her for one because he isn't coming home until her birthday. I am NOT telling her on her birthday. He couldv'e come home at anytime if needed so why is he waiting until her birthday? Should I just tell her myself and should she know everything about why this is happening? Or do I just let her ask questions then explain? I dont know I'm lost here and I dont want her to think badly about her father, he has been a bad husband but is a great father. Please help!

August 12, 2007
9:21 am
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wasabi
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It is so hard when you have children we as women feel we can't leave because of them they need there Dad ...... Blah blah!
My Mother stayed with my Father for 23 years I never knew until my 20's that he had cheated on her off & on all those years!
She finaly devorced him when I was 19 ! I'm 40 somthing now & have 3 kids I put up with a great deal with my husband & left once & came back!(his is a control freak & verbally abusive)
I choose to stay for so many crazy resons! But if he ever has SEX when another person , I'm done!I've made that very clear!!!!!
You are also putting your self at rise!Your health is in danger! Make sure he wears a condom if you have sex with your husband!
Like Bitsy said! GO TO THE DR.'s ASAP! & have STD testing!
He maybe having sex with more women then you know! Everyone he sleeps with you are sleeping with them too!
You do not have to tell your daughter all the details of WHY Mommy & Daddy are spliting up!
But it sounds like this man can not be faithful EVER! So it's now or later ..... he will cheat more I bet!
So walk away sooner or stay & he hurt you over & over! It's so hard I'm sure!
I've been faced with other women in my husband life that he has't even had sex with & that was hard.... But dear if he was I would be packing or send him packing whatever works! Do not lie to yourself!!!!!
He has cheated HOW MANY TIMES that you know of??????
How many times does it take to see this is what he does & will do always!
(((SORRY lostnluv2))))
Wasabi

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