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My husband is too attached to his family. So much that it interferes our daily life!
July 8, 2012
10:42 am
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spv1
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Hi,

Ours was love at first sight and we really love each other a lot! The first year of marriage was fine coz Every time some fight popped up, I used to think that it's a new relationship and so it takes time to adjust. My hubby n I work in the same place and so we have the same work timings. When I got married, I expected a relationship where husband helps in household stuff and be loving and kind. No, he surprised me. We used to get home after work, he settles on the couch watching tv and I go straight into kitchen for cooking after a cup of tea. It's dinner time and he will move his ass to sit near the dining table and I have literally mix his food and give him so that all he needs to do is swallow food. I do the dishes and come to bed but my husband will be chatting with his sister, mom and dad. This is our daily routine mornng andnit. They have to chat everyday in webcam in the bedroom or its like they feel like world is going to end. His sister is too clingy and possessive and of course I hate that. I was surprised in the beginning but thought this is how he is and I love him so will just suck it up… He isnt dat bad. He takes me out for dinners very liberally if I'm tired and all that. Year 1passed! We bought a house and his parents visited us for 2mnths. They were always worried that we got a big house and we will not be able to help them financially (they used to tell me and my parents about this and not him) things went more or less fine and they left. Soon his sister came to our country to work and used to visit us often. I was 6 months pregnant when she arrived. She is the kind of a person who will help if she has a benefit. She used to invite her boss and work friends and cook for them. She used to mvite her neighbors for dinners as she needs ride from them for groceries. When she was in my house, she used to behave like I am supposed to do all the work and she has no responsibility whatsoever to help me. Me and my husband had big fights about it and all he used to do was try telling her politely once or twice and after that he he just told me this is how she is and she never helps her own mom. I ignored all this as I was pregnant and didn't want my baby to go thru my stress. But what really got to me was that she used to save all her money and make my husband spend for her. So, I was sharing my frustration with hubby's brother's wife and she instead of understanding showed our private chat conversation to my hubby's sister. Needless to say, my hubby feels I let him down and I disrespected his family. He knows his sister is useless but is too proud to admit it. He says that we should try not to break relationships for small things. I agree totally with him but his parents treat me like I was the one who did the mistake. And hubby keeps quiet to all that. I am the one wo took the heat and he expects me to be patient and blames me everyday and minute for spoiling his relationship with his family. Now, no one talks to me in their family except hubby. I dont care if others don't talk. But we fight everyday about it. I don't know if I should get a divorce and be happy with my baby boy or try a little bit harder to save the marriage for my son's future. I really thought I should commit suicide this morning but saw my son's face and changed my mind. I really need some useful suggestions. Plz don't respond if u wanna make fun of me. I don't think killing myself is better than the daily fights and arguments and asleep less nights but I am not able to take this shit any longer…

August 12, 2012
10:44 am
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MrsGod
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August 12, 2012
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Honey, he clearly still doesn't understand who represents his family. YOU are his family. But he still puts his parents and his sister before you. This is not ok. I suppose he always says something which sounds like 'She is my sister, I have to help her, no matter what.' This is not ok, either. Unfortunately, the baby makes the situation 100 times more complicated. If it weren't for it, I would have adviced you to leave the guy instantly. But I can't tell you that in this situation. You should try to make him understand the way you feel. You should try to explain to him that you and the baby are now his family and he must place a boundary between him and his parents and sister in order to protect you. One should stay by their partner's side no matter what. By what you said about him not helping you in the house, I don't think he is a man yet. It gave me the impression that he never grew up. His mother did everything when he was little and now, he doesn't understand that you 2 are equal and he must help you in everything. That's why you are PARTNERS.By no means you mustn't think about dramatic solutions like suicide. You are the most wonderful thing on earth: a woman. And besides that, you are the most important person in your life. And no one should be able to take you away from...yourself. Trust me when I say that if he isn't the one, you will SURELY meet the one. My mother had a rough marriage of 11 years with my father. 1 year after she decided to divorce him, she met a wonderful man (she was 37) who treated and still treats her like a queen. It's possible. Don't lose your time near a man who doesn't know to appreciate you. Try to make him understand that you should be the most important person in his life. If he doesn't understand, leave him. I hope this helps you, even a little bit. Sorry if i made any language mistakes, I'm not a native English speaker.

August 15, 2012
7:32 pm
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episkopos
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August 15, 2012
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this man obviously is more crazy about his external family than you. Perhaps you can talk to a mutual person whom you both admire and talk to (certainly not a relation of his) to talk to him and make him see the need that you his wife should come before his family. That is what we call leaving and cleaving. He is married and moved out of his family home and he needs to accept that fact and live by it.

August 23, 2012
9:56 pm
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OneFoot
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episkopos is now posting as bevdee

August 24, 2012
3:58 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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In my opinion, there is a delicate balance that needs to be had when it comes to family of origin and newly acquired family bonds.
I think your primary focus should be on your new family or new husband or wife, but you must not disassociate yourself from parents or siblings from your original family. Unless of course there is physical or emotional abuse within those borders.
Obviously there is no tolerance to physical abuse and one would have every right to stay away from such a situation. With emotional abuse issues its a bit more difficult. In my opinion, you need to find a minimal way to stay attached because in the end you only have one Mother and one Father and hopefully they did do their best to help raise you.
They will not live forever and when their time comes to leave the world your connection to them will be gone in a physical sense.
Same goes for siblings. This group of people has a history with you whether it is a good or a not so good one.

September 1, 2012
9:14 pm
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heroworshipper
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Oh dear I hope he leaves them and cleaves to you like the bible says

September 24, 2012
10:21 pm
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ShiningLight
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Maybe it's best that both of you should consult a marriage counselor to figure out what's best for your situation and to know what could save your conflicting marriage because of his family. I mean you have all the right since you are the wife especially that they are already interrupting your relationship as husband and wife and causing problems preventing you to build good foundation as one family. We can't deny the fact that they are your husband's family since blood is thicker than water BUT what's the point of getting married and live separately as one family? Maybe they are not fully aware that they are already a disturbance which is not really good.

 

Or you can gather both sides and talk it out as one whole family. Discuss your issues rationally and try listen to one another. You can hire a family counselor/therapist that will guide on restoring your harmonious relationship. Hope that helps!

January 11, 2013
11:15 am
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spv1
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Thank you all for your suggestions. I sure feel I am under appreciated by him. If my son was not in this world, I would have divorced him long ago. He doesnt deserve a wife if he doesnt know how to draw a line between his family and his REAL family.

 

A month ago or so, he called me to watch a movie in our bedroom. In the middle of the movie, his sister came online and asked him to put his webcam on so she can show her new bedroom in her husband's house. My husband could not say no. Since his sister and I are not in talking terms, he asked me to leave the bedroom so he could chat with her at around 2AM. Now wait a minute, I am lying down beside my husband at 2.00AM in the night and his sister cannot digest that? Is that the distance his family wants between me and him? And that to my surprise doesnt seem wrong to him. I was very very mad and told him I will kill myself rather than deal with this shit. What a guy I married. I am saddenned that he isnt really a man. I am still with him. DONT know for what reason. The only sensible thing I can think of is my son. I would want my son to have his dad before him for a little longer.

April 7, 2014
3:46 pm
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happyjohn
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August 5, 2015
8:08 am
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ponyyune
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Dear i have same problem as you.From the thing you wrote about i feel you have totally same feeling as me which is so torturing...I live together with my inlaw which make thing even worst.They always wanted to be together like breakfast dinner and even supper.Lunch could not because is working time.I feel so disturbed all the time and wont join them.And he will just leave me alone in the house.Recently my mil got sick and that make it worst more because they was worried of dying soon so they would spend time together even more n more..now my husband back from work he will be chatting with them until midnight and sleep.I feel so sad i cant help myself..I dont even know how to talk to him about it because he will dislike for sure.

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