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my husband is an addict
February 22, 2005
1:00 pm
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newlyaware
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I never really knew that I was codependent, until today. My husband is an a psychiatric ward because of depression and drug addiction. While having a meeting with his phychiatrist, two other professionals, myself, and my husband, I was made aware by the physchiatrist that I am codependent. I asked him what that was, and he told me to search the internet for answers. He said I was not trying to enable him, since I really did not realize all that was going on, because my husband was lying to me. But he did say that I am probably enabling him in ways that I am unaware of. This hurt me deeply, and just deepened the wound that is already so infected. I guess I just need to talk to somebody who understands, who can offer some advise, or who maybe has been through this before themselves.

February 22, 2005
1:16 pm
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jastypes
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Hi there. I'm married to an addict as well. He had me fooled for the first 10 years of our marriage. Then he straightened out for 3, and was using again for the last 7 up until a few months ago when he had a near-fatal accident. Then, of course, there was his little slip last week. Such is the life of an addict and his wife.

Anyway, sometimes I get so angry when I hear about "enabling". Yeah, okay, I enabled him in some ways. Does that make him less responsible for his own actions? I think not. I have allowed him to continue using drugs because I didn't put my foot down because I'm "co-dependent", I have trouble with boundaries, and I absolutely HATE confrontation. So, does that make it any less HIS problem. Nope.

I'm in recovery now. I still enable -- like last weekend. I don't always get it right. It's a process. I have to recover, same as he does. I'm in recovery because I need to be in order to stay sane. I wish you serenity and sanity on your journey. It can be a brutal one.

jill

February 22, 2005
2:38 pm
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addicts wife
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Hi newly aware....
I too am married to an addict. ive heard the term enabler do much that i cringe when i hear it.
I have been working on taking care of myself ,a ndmy boundaries have become pretty CLEAR as to what i will and will not tolerate, but somehow, Im still an "enabler." getting mad hasnt helped, being supportive,a dtrying to communicate better will not make HIS actions, or addiction go away. leavign him out in the street wont either. We love each other dearly, and despite his "urge's' that overpower the best intentions , they still pop up and consume him every six months, like clockwork. Granted it's much better than he was, before we were together, and he was a daily user, or smoked crack wiot his ex when they were together.. (can't go there right noe)
But It still does consume him here and there, I DO NOT allow drugs in my home, and will not. that is why he"disappears" for 24 hours, and has gotten better about calling me fro mth escummy hotel to say what has happened. (he would just be gone for 4+ days in the past)
It is so devastating, and heartbreaking, andIF i didnt beleive in him or IFhe were an "asshole" I would ve left him years ago before we ever got married.
God knows if Love could cure these problems, no one would be an addict, but since that is not the case, I struggle with my own issues, WithOUr issues, but no longer make his problems My own. Life is hardenough without the added drama of drugs and addictions, but this is my life, ONE day at a time.
Will he use again?? I am not sure. He is not sure. He stopped promising me, becasue he knows that he can not guarantee that he is cpable of keeping his word.
I am sorry for your struggles, adn your plight.I pray that you find the strength, and courage you need to get you through.
This site is a great place to vent, a wonderful soundboard, adn peole here are very supportive ,and caring as well, keep posting, venting, and reading.
My love and support..
Addicts wife.

February 22, 2005
3:00 pm
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repeat101
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Hi, newly aware
I have just recently moved out of a relationship because he has a drug addiction and doesn't want to admit it. I use to think if he loves me enough he will stop. If I give him tough love he will change. I only realized I can only control my actions no one elses. I seem to be learning quicker in a relationship. This one only took me alittle over a year to get out. I am still stuck though feeling if only he would change. Growing up in a family with its share of additions has made me stronger, but I don't seem to understand how can someone continuely hurt the people that love them. Why don't they ever get a clue! i fear that he will pass this onto his daughter whom will be a teenager soon, so he can continue to tell himself marijuana use doesn't hurt anyone, it is harmless. At this point his daughter thinks he smokes cigerettes. She does not know the difference in smells. I do feel bad now that she doesn't have me to take care of her when she comes to visit he dad.

February 22, 2005
5:27 pm
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newlyaware
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Thank you so much for your responses - it makes me feel so much better to know that I am not in this alone, and that other people have experience and advise to share. I searched the internet today, and ordered two books about co-dependency, and how to overcome it. I just learned that I am co-dependent this morning, so everything is still fresh and hard to take in. I don't know what the future holds for me and my husband. I really love him deeply, but I know I can't live a life where I constantly worry that he's using, lying, and everything else that goes with being an addict. I guess you all have a grip on co-dependency, and know how to recognize it, and what to do about it. But how do you deal with everything? How can you tell when he is lying to you, when he is truly sincere, when you are being a co-dependent enabler, and so on? I hate to think of myself as emotionaly abused by my own husband, whom I have promised to love for the rest of my life, whom I have placed my love and affection with, whom I need comfort from. Why does life have to be so hard? I grew up with a hard life, and thought for sure my problems were solved when I married this man. He was so dependable, so trustworthy, so sincere. I guess I could talk forever, it just feels so good to vent, and to read your responses. Please keep sharing your experiences and advise with me, I need all the help I can get. Thanks.

February 22, 2005
5:31 pm
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newlyaware
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By the way, jastypes, if you are still out there, it sounds like you and I have a lot in common, but you have been dealing with this a lot longer than I have. I have been married for only 7 years, and my husband has been a user for at least the past 3 or 4 years, unknown to me. Please respond again, I would really like to hear more from you. Thanks.

February 22, 2005
7:46 pm
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addicts wife
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Newly aware...
I am proud of you for reaching out, and for getting bools for yourself.
You certainly are not alone in this.. I was so stuned that this was happening to me, when i grew up around addictions, and abuse for what seemed like an eternity.
My husband and I have known each other since we were 15. we both dated other people, but always had crushes on eachother, (unbeknown to each other) and we've been together for 5 years, amrried for 2.
He is a terrible liar. and doesnt do it often. Iusually know when he's "getting the urge" because theres somethng in his voice, and behavior that changes, and I can se eit.It's liek a twitch he gets, and maybe Im aware of it, becasue I knwo him so well. I almost say something, but accuse myself of being paranoid, and ten when i wake up, andhe hasnt been home,I kick myself. Ive gotten better at speaking my mind right then and there, but am also not looking for a confrontation either.. but It cannot be swet under the proverbial rug, adn /or ignored.
I dont know your husbands drug of choice, but thats not important either. addiction is addiction is addiction.period it could be coffee, candy,gambling, coke, crack, pot, pills, shopping, drama, It still is a behavior that becomes ingrained.
al anon or NA meeting may be a grea tsouse of support, and coping mechanisms for you, they arefree unles syou make donations, tey pass around a basket to te meetings igo t o, If I have a few bucks I drop it in, If idont have it, its okay.
there are CoDa meetings almost anywhere as well, and you could probably just call Information or ask your husbands psychiatrist for locations etc.
I hope you are doing well, you have quite a full day, and im sure you must be overwhelmed and exhausted. Get the rest you need, and tke good care of yoursel!!!
Love, adnsupport and prayers are with you ,

February 23, 2005
6:56 am
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Tough Old Broad
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my first time here...I fell in love with a 69 year old man after many years alone and now I believe I have fallen for a cocaine addict. I don't understand it.

I don't know why he would leave me to go out and do that ...

I don't even know if it is cocaine for sure. He stays out all night and comes back with really high energy and enthusiasm and horney.

He is trying to talk to me about it, but a little at a time. I don't understand the economic repercussions either.

How can I sort it all out? I really love him, but I slept very little last night. After he made love with me, his "friend" called and he was gone all night.

February 23, 2005
9:03 am
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jastypes
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Hi Newly,

I check in often during the day. You can ask me anything. Yeah, I've been dealing with this a long time. Sometimes I really don't want to! Mark and I are in a better place right now than we have been in years. That's because he almost died in a car accident and saw the light -- well some light. LOL. He did give his life to Christ. But as any Christian knows, that's just the beginning of the journey. So Mark is just starting out, and I've been a devoted Christ follower for 10 years now. It still feels hard to forgive him, and I struggle with resentments a lot.

But I've also JUST started taking care of myself. Amazing it took me this long. I'm the epitome of co-dependency. I was in the very late stages -- hating everything about my life (except God). I was in therapy and had just told Mark how angry I was with him when -- BAM -- the accident happened, and life went nuts!

So, I'm still taking things one day at a time.

jill

February 23, 2005
10:42 am
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newlyaware
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Thank you all for your replys. Today is a new day, and I feel much better now. I visited with my husband last night for the one hour allowed at the ward. When his parents left, I told him how angry I was with him for doing this for so long, and for never sharing his feelings with me. He seemed genuinely sincere when he said he loved me, and he was going to do everything he has to in order to change. I am going to see our marraige councelor by myself today, so hopefully I will get some insight from her. Thank you all so much again, you really helped me in my time of need.

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