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My husband is an addict- I need help
November 28, 2001
8:54 pm
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stone
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My husband is an addict and I am starting to believe that it is not within his power to be trustworthy or to quit using. It is painful because he is such a great person who tries so hard each time to get clean.
I feel like I need to make a decision. I have started to recognize that I am codependent but I'm not even really sure. My friends and family think that I am not living my life. I do feel neutral a lot. I am not proactive in my life. I do not make decisions for myself but only seem to react to other's decisions. I don't know how to get better and I don't know what it is I am trying to get better from. Any suggestions?

November 29, 2001
7:39 am
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gg40
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Hi Stone,
First and foremost remember that you are not alone. There are many of us co-dependent out there. I lived with an alcoholic for 15 years. I was the cheerleader, the counselor, the mother. It was a lot of work and kept me quit busy. I neglected my own spirituality, needs, and growth so there is some truth to what your family and friends are saying. If you can get a copy of "Co-dependent No More" and read it three times I believe this will be a start for you. Changes will not occur overnight but keep reading it until you recognize the patterns in your reactions. Then work at changing your reactions. Its very hard work, but detachment will be the hardest. You did not say whether you love him or not. I loved my ex deeply and that is why I made the desicion to divorce him. It was the best thing that could have happened to both of us. Many people have made the observation that my ex and I have a strange relationship (we are still friends and talk weekly and BTW he is now sober). It was very difficult for me for a few years and I am still learning and growing. There is HOPE Stone and Compassion, try to keep that in the forefront of your thoughts and motivation. I hope this helps, it comes from the heart.
gg40

November 29, 2001
9:16 am
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philter
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Hello stone , how are you , you are really at a bad stage aren't you . I know where you're at.I m an ex addict been off everything for eight months now ( looked it up in my diary tonight ) I had a habit most of my adult life . It was what I call a controlled habit for the majority of my life . In the last 4 to 5 years I really lost control of my habit in a big way , I was in self destruct mode , I was in major denial ,I was in the shit . I can tell you now that in these last years I pushed my wife and kids to the limit , I pushed my self to the limit . What I am trying to say is that I put my wife into exactly the same predicament you are in ( well it not exactly the same , as we are different people ) I should say a similar situation .I told my wife several times , yes I have stopped I m not taking anything I d tell her , i m clean I d say .But I was't , I was lying my little heart out to her ,pushing it as far as it would go , I was going to get maximum mileage out of this baby .The thing is I thought I was getting away with it ,I thought she was nieve and didn't notice ,I was off in my own little trip ,anyway to get to the point .I now have the greatest respect for my wife , she is one strong and determined and faithful lady . She hung in there ,I think that is what love is ,she hung in there waiting ,hoping that I would change ,hoping that I could evetually see what I was doing to myself .Then the time came when my wife had , had enough , she couldn't stand seeing me destroy myself anymore ,she didn't want to let our boys see me destroy myself ,In the last few years she grew enormously in herself , no-one is going to drag her down ,in these years ,she had to watch her mother slowly die , she had to keep our company running , she had to feed the kids she had to do everything ,and she did .The thing is ,she got the strength or she resigned to the fact that i was a lost cause .she told me to get out ,she had said this to me a couple of times before ,BUT like your other half I can be a real sweety when I want to be ,I talk her into letting me stay ,this time was different ,I had to go,so I left,! pissed off in our car took our bankcards and books and heade to a motel,BUt I knew if I stayed out for the whole night IT WOULD BE FINISHED ,I turned around and went back.I begged her to let me stay, actually the only time in my life that I have ever begged and i was down on my knees .That is the point where I turned around from that point I haven't looked back ,we are still together and we are really happy again ,everything is going great guns no troubles.What i am saying hear ,is no matter how much you love your husband ,you have to tell him for your own sake that you have had enough,you have been tortured enough ,if he really loves you he will make the changes and if he doesn't change you have the choice to leave ,get your life in shape and be happy ,Do what you have to do.hope you can make some sense out of this ,cause im not game to read back through it ,

November 29, 2001
9:21 am
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philter
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Well, couldn't help meself I read back through it , And now your probably more confused than what you were.

November 29, 2001
10:31 am
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pam g fu
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i will tell you from experience the only thing that matters is the high and nothing else they will say whatever they can to get you to help them and tell whatever lies they can to get what it is that they want. You need to seek counseling to help you you can't help him

November 29, 2001
12:17 pm
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Molly
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His relationship right now is with his substance,not with you. You are a hostage. This is the time for tough love just like philter stated, he will have to choose love with you, his family, or his substance peroid. It is up to you to draw that line, he will never do it, as long as you tolorate the relapse, and its a relapse for you when you do allow it. This is not easy, as addicts and alcoholics are very manipulative, its the survival instinct. I strongly suggest that you go to an Alanon meeting this is for the hostages of addicts and alcoholics. You will learn about you and hubby. his changes will be difficult to endure, but I am certain that if he demonstrates effort, you will rise to the occasion. Its you, or the substance, and you must be very very firm. It will only get worse, many women here have lost everything, as the financial and emotional stresses are beyond your ability to know. Your family loves you, and knows you , listen to them. Look at picture of your self, before and after so that you can see, what they see. This is not easy, but its your life.

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