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My Husband hit me and I don't know what to do
December 4, 2007
8:53 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hey Need:

I'm sorry he did that. Nobody deserves to be hit. Are you at a place now where you are safe? Is he still close by?

My immediate advice is as the others. Get out and away from him. If you don't have anywhere to go call the police and they will take you to a shelter. Hubby won't be able to find you; you will be safe.

If you have someplace to go then please go there now. you can come back and we will talk to you more if you are not in a safe place now. First is your safety. OK?

Let us know how you are please.

December 4, 2007
8:59 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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do you feel safe? if you don't feel safe anything is better than being there. You have money stashed you have a job. now is the time to leave. let January take care of itself. Take a step even if you can see only that one step more places will open up.

December 4, 2007
11:12 pm
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Hi you guys. I know that I need to get away from him. I felt very scared before, but I do not feel scared now. I know that he feels like crap (they always do, don't they?), and I don't think that he wants to hurt me anymore than what he already has. For me, it just isn't as simple as just walking out the door. I want to make sure I can support myself and I have a pet too that I will not leave with my Husband. We own a house too. We don't have any (human) kids.

My Husband and I have talked about things quite a bit and he knows that once I know where my next job is going to be, that I am going to rent an apartment (or townhouse) closeby. And we are planning to put the house on the market in early Spring. I am not secretly leaving him. He knows that I have been unhappy and that I don't feel I can trust him.

It's weird because I always thought that if a man hit me, that I would be outta there in a heartbeat! And if we were still living in Virginia and I were still working for the federal gov't, well, yeah, no brainer there, I would have left just like that. Plus, most of my family and close friends live there and I would have been able to easily find temporary shelter. And I'm not trying to make excuses for staying with him, because even though I thought--maybe there was a chance of our marriage lasting--I knew deep down that I could never stay with a man who hit me. I was quite traumatized by the whole event and wasn't thinking right there for a while.

I do not feel like I'm in danger and we don't even sleep in the same room. I sleep in the guestroom. We did go through the 'honeymoon' phase where he wanted to be intimate like all of the time. But, that didn't last too long and I haven't been with him in a long time. And I don't want to be with him in that way. He did try to sort of make an advance towards me, even after we talked about splitting up. But, I just ignored him and he got the message. Maybe that was his way of seeing if there was 'anything' left?

Really, we have been living like Roommates, instead of a married couple, these past few months. It's weird.

I should know by the end of this month if I get that full-time job, and if all goes well, then I will find a place soon thereafter. Otherwise, I will move out once I find another job.

I also have friends and family and a couple of my neighbors checking on me periodically. After my Husband hit me, my first instinct was to keep it a secret because I felt so ashamed. But, after listening to you all's advice and reading more and more about Domestic Violence, I realized that That was Definitely NOT the thing to do. So, I told everyone I could and I took pictures of my bruises and sent them to a couple of people I could trust. And my Husband knows this. I wanted him to know that his abuse has been documented. He is very Embarrassed and he should be.

Again, THANK YOU for your help. I will check in from time to time to let you all know how things are going. Good Night!

-Need DV Advice

December 4, 2007
11:41 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I don't think any of us meant for you to just walk away and never look back. I certainly did not. What I was saying is get out of there while he is in his mood.

I lived w/ a violent man for 12 years. i didn't just walk away either. i believe that marriage is sacred and should be kept together if possible, but sometimes it is not.

Have ya'll considered counseling? anger management on his part? There are many things ya'll can do to keep your marriage in tact.

Please do come back and talk whenever you feel the need. we are glad to have you here.

December 4, 2007
11:42 pm
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Codi202
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(((Need)))I hope you will be safe.

I have a kind of question comment for everyone on this tipic because it just jumped out at me as I read this thread. I was from an abousive home environment. Lots of yelling and hitting and control. My first long term relationshim (actually, come to thind of it, it was the only one that lasted more than a few months). Was someone who would put me down and such. One day he hit me. It never occured to me to break up with him. He, of course, did it again and warned me that if i didn't stay in line etc...
It never occured to me to break up with him because he was dangerous.
My family knew that he hit me and asked what I did wrong (I was in high school, or just graduated).

They were not supportive when I did break up with him eather. He sleped around. They blamed me...
I don't know what my question is. I guess I am saying that I have had a revelation after reading this thread.
I wish I could phrase the question.

Thanks...I needed to read this.

December 4, 2007
11:59 pm
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Codi202
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This has really opened my eyes!

December 5, 2007
1:50 am
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free
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Hi Codi~

Surviving abuse becomes "normal" after awhile. Standard operating procedure. Our path. Our life.

We can change that path, and consequently our life.

We can live in a violent free home. Make love to a violent free man. Feel safe when he wraps his arms around us, and look to him for support and encouragement when we are down on ourselves.

free

December 5, 2007
2:47 am
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lalasgirl
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((((to all of us on this subject))))

The dream is we all know it could be better if we just were more understanding, submissive, dependent, nurturing.....choke gag.......

the nightmare is no matter what we do the abuser will always abuse.

no matter how much we love it just doesn't work. an abuser will always abuse.

we have to be proactive about our lives and not re-active. we have to change our mindset and not expect the abuser to change theirs. we have to set boundaries not expect an abuser to contain their limits.

there is no negotiation or fairness or respect or trust in getting hit. at least i felt no pleasure out of getting my jaw dislocated. i felt only pain and digust and shame.

i too have made the RETURN TO THE abuser a pattern. i am guilty of putting myself in harms way. but one day, somehow something will click and we will finally decide that we are worth much more than that. self esteem doesn't come in a cereal box as the prize....we have to know that it is our right to feel good about our lives. and WE as victims must change. and never ever look back.

think with your head and not with your heart....hard to do but oh so necessary. all the red flags are there for you....all the red flags were there for me. maybe we are just colorblind.

good luck to you and may you create a new life ...a better abuse free life...but only you can step away.

i understand and i pray for strength for all of us in this situation.

December 5, 2007
8:39 am
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Codi202
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Even sitting here reading this thread, it didn't strike me to think that the "get to safety" thing pertained to me.

THAT's how conditioned I am!

I will keep reading and having revelations, I guess.
This has been good therapy!

(((thanks all)))

Thank you (((need))) See how the threads benefit others too.

December 5, 2007
11:01 am
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samantha2
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Hi All

My eyes are being opened also here. Some of your statements are really hitting home for me - how living with abuse becomes normal after awhile. Things I always thought were deal breakers, I found myself putting up with, and actually thinking, well, it's not so bad, but if he does THIS I'll be out of here for sure. Then he'd do that or worse, and I'd still be there, but if he did THIS, I'd leave, but I wouldn't, and so forth. Mine never struck me, but he'd wave his arms around in these mean and threatening gestures - I'd catch my breath wondering if he actually would. He did shove one of his ex's, knocking her down. She got up and went after him - broke his glasses and he ended up in the emergency room. He never touched her again, although he has the meanest mouth I have ever encountered, and that is what ultimately drove her to leave him.
All these behaviors were intact through my relationship with him - but not at first. Other than some irritability over things that seemed minor to me, I didn't really see the extent until we were engaged and had bought a house together, then began to make decisions that would lead to a life together. By that time, I was so entrenched with mortgage, engagement etc that it got harder and harder to think about pulling out. Plus, I kept thinking back to before the commitment, when things were mostly good.
It's like a trap - we get sucked in gradually, until we are so far in and our defenses are so weakened, that it takes a superhuman effort to get free.

December 5, 2007
11:22 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Wow Samantha , This is all so true for me. I could not have expressed that in such a truthful way. That is exactly how it was for me. Thank you for this Post, Your Freind, horsefly

December 5, 2007
11:23 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Amazingly the same for me.....gup.

December 5, 2007
11:34 am
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samantha2
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Thanks Horsefly - it's like the frog in the water - turn up the heat a degree at a time and the frog boils without realizing it's in danger. If the water was hot to begin with, it would be easier not to jump in in the first place.

December 5, 2007
11:45 am
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nappy
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You have to do what you feel is right since you already know that this marriage is not working and will not work.
A man shouldn't hit a woman but myself, I have had some that tried and they was very surprise that I do hit back.
Anyone that can stand there and hit another person can stand there and get hit back. I don't promote violence of any kind but I really don't care how big you are. The bigger they are the harder they fall has always been my thinking. Maybe that is why after they thought that they can do it, they didn't ever do it again.

Even though that you are planning being out on your own, your husband maybe be waiting for you to get out on your own so that he can sneak his way back into your life because by then, you will be paying for your own way in life and he may just be wanting to jump on the easy gravy train since you will be still his wife. It is good that you know that he is trying to get you away from your family and friend. That to is not a good sign.

Since he has hit you just be ready that he hit you again. I don't know why he hit you the first time but if he feel that you made him angry, then be ready for it to coming around again.

People are not guarantee that they will stay the same, they do change and when you see a change, then you as a person should be changing also so that you want be surprise of there behavior that you already knew was coming by that person action.
Be safe!
Nappy

December 5, 2007
11:52 am
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Codi202
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I have an IDEAL of a situation that came to mind when I read Need's story. I imagined that hubby came home next day to find her gone. Not permenantly, well, not necessarily.
I imagine that having told the family (both sides). That she was removed until the situation could be remedied. Then when he read the note about where she had gone (if one was left) he learned that she would not be coming back until he dealt with his problem. The situation was spelled out, he had commited assault on his wife and that was not permissible,not he needed rehab.

If he didn't see that, then, the next step was obvious. He was too dangerous to allow his near her.

Its and Ideal, but its what i would want done for my daughter.

December 5, 2007
7:16 pm
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Hey Guys, This truly is a healing place. Thank You for sharing your stories and experience too. Everyday, I too feel like I'm learning more and more about domestic violence.

Yes, I do see the danger signs with him. And no, he never went through any type of anger management. I wanted him too, but he never did. I could tell that he truly didn't believe that he had an anger management problem (which baffles me to this day).

And yes, I could see him trying to get back with me later. He's being really sweet and understanding about my wanting to leave. But, I'm onto him. He's very Manipulative. Well, I'll talk about that later. I need to get cleaned up and eat some dinner.

You guys are Awesome...

-Need DV Advice

December 5, 2007
8:13 pm
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meetmeinhvn
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Wow, Flash backs. My abuser was sweet too and ohhh so sorry... it doesnt work..very dangerous very violent verbal physical it is all the same.. if he does not get help (on his own)like us co-dependants then over and over it will happen and both are victims sometimes it takes someone outside the family relm but Strangers or co-workers. people are willing to help you as long as you want it. I needed it he was no doubt going to kill me. Promise yourself you will take charge of that situation and let it happen NO MORE you are somebody and you are beautiful

December 6, 2007
11:50 pm
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MsGuided
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DV

I can understand totally the struggle with financial issues when you want to end a relationship.
A long time ago , when i left my abusive X, it was when i was unemployed, and the abuse got so bad i had to leave. I ended up in a shelter with a 1 1/2 yr old baby.

When i got on my feet and lived as a single Mom I had to put up with the prejudices of my married female neighbours. Even so called friends judged me. It seemed i never got a break from anyone but strangers.People really looked down on me. I had no job, was left with nothing ( my X hid his financial probs so it all came down on me since i had the credit cards) Even when i got employment, it seemed nothing i did was good enough.

It is damn hard leaving, for more reasons than just what I said.
It's good you are saving and planning because we do have some pride. It's nice to at least hold on to something, so the world doesn't drag you through the mud.

Work on your plan, and never let him isolate you in any way. You at least are aware!

December 13, 2007
2:25 pm
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peace4all
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Hello to the wife whos husband hit her. I can only attest to what I have lived through. and that is...if he hit once, he WILL hit again. Maybe not right away, but when he gets angry at something or at you. Please know that there is always the sorries, and the niceness, and sometimes make up sex. In the end, when all is said and done,he has issues and if he got angry enough to lose control and hit you once, it will happen again. When women where abused years ago, there were no shelters for them to run to. That has changed and now you NEVER have to be hit again..If I sound adamint about this, it is because I am. My mother was hit, I was hit, and all I can say is ...STOP it when it first begins...
Understand he will say that it wont happen again, but in most cases it does. Its your life and your choice, I hope you choose to live it without fear. Love in recover, Peace4all

December 13, 2007
2:29 pm
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peace4all
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that would be..Love in recovery 🙂
I'm such a bad typer........Peace

December 13, 2007
2:44 pm
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goinghome
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To the wife, Peace4all is right they hit again and it often just gets worse. Do what you have to do go take care of YOU! Be safe big hugs!

December 15, 2007
8:32 am
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lalasgirl
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i had my jaw dislocated.

i made every excuse i could for why???

i comfortably decided it was his PTSD from vietnam...sounded good eh?

so i forgave and went back into the battle. but the hitting became worse with the humiliation hit. the cheating hit. the lying hit. the mis-trust hit. the deception hit. the financial hit.

shall i go on? okay....so don't you either. abusers have to find their own salvation...we victims need to step up and out of that role.

be determined to get away...that is your only way to insure yourself that it won't and can't happen again.

hopefully, my foolish actions will serve as enlightenment for someone to run like he..! seek another path and get out.....it only gets worse with time...

December 15, 2007
9:04 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hitting is a very bad sign. You basically need urgent assessment--and I think using as professional is best.

You want to think about how the relationship is generally--in other words, is it an abusive relationship in other ways?

Usually physical violence is just part of an abusive pattern.

December 15, 2007
10:22 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Need,

Get out and get away. Never ever think that you will be "far from his thoughts" because you won't.

Many of the older folks here know the story of my daughter. It is hard and harrowing to read. I will repost it for you if you like. What happened to her, should happen to no one. EVER.

Abusers do not change, sadly, it is a proven fact. They only learn to lie better.

I will check back. If you want to know what my daughter went through, again, I will repost it here for you.

But, you have us here - and you can do this. Don't ever feel you are all alone.

Be safe.

Much love,
Z.

December 15, 2007
10:33 pm
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AQueen
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Yes I would like to know. I'm a DV survivor and I've moved on with my life. I never thought I would get rid of him but I did! THanks to a wonderful domestic violence organization I got free counseling and access to a weekly support group for dv survivors. We can and do leave and go on to live happy and productive lives.

AQueen

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