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My Husband hit me and I don't know what to do
May 16, 2007
11:25 am
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AQueen
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Good for you! I mean it, good for you! You can do it, yes you can! You are doing it. You are helping yourself and your children. Kids that grow up in abusive homes are move likely to either grow up to abuse and control others or be abused and controlled. I'm proof of that. My dad was verbally abusive and controlling and I sought men just like my Dad. Sick. I didn't do it on purpose, it was like I was draw to sick people.

Anyways, I attend weekly DV support groups and go to one on one DV counseling weekly. He will change tactic's because you've changed tactic's. You are leaving so he will do things you don't expect. He can sense something is going on, that's why he was questioning you more than usual. He can tell. It is SOOOOOOOOO much harder to leave when the abuser is standing in front of you. It's easier to do it when they are not around, like at work or something. Then you don't have to worry about them getting violent or begging you to stay. He will cycle through a bunch of different emotions from angry to sad to remorseful and so on. The easiest way not to get sucked back in is to have ZERO contact. This is what worked for me and many others I meet with weekly.Get a no contact order that states he has to stay away from you and the children. He can see the children for a weekly/monthy whatever you choose but it must be supervised and he has to set it up. If he wants to see them badly he'll set it up. Neutral location, not at your house or his house. The no contact order will keep him away from you house, your car, your school, the kids'schools, work, everywhere you are he must stay away from. Say you run into him at the store, he must stay at least 500ft away from you. He can't call and bug you either which is nice because it's easier to avoid getting worn down if you don't have to talk to him. He will promise you that it won't happen again and that he's changed. He will try to make deals and bargins with you. For example, "if I hit you again you can leave me." He's the one in control with this statement, he's saying when you can leave. Plus when he hits you again he won't "allow" you to leave, he'll make something up or say you caused it or it didn't happen like that. Get yourself to a support group, please. You don't know how much a weekly support group can help you stay strong until you try it. I was nervous and I thought it would be weird. It wasn't. I felt safe. We all had the same thing in common and that was nice. They understood. They had left their abusers and had good tips on how to stay strong. When I doubted myself and told them why they pointed out the disfunciton in my thinking and how my ex was still trying to control me from afar. I love my support group. I couldn't do it alone. I kicked my ex out so many times and always allowed him to come back because he wore me down. This time I had support to help me through those tough times. I'm so happy I left. Sure I miss what might have been but I had to face reality and what life really was like. My ex didn't hit me all the time, maybe 5 times in 5 years. But he still abusive. He used other ways to abuse and control me. Some support groups provide child care too and some have a kids group for the children. The kids need to know they aren't alone, they aren't the only family with this problem. There is even a group for kids under 5 because they are affected too even though they are sooooo young. It's sad that their little lives have been so hard. These groups and counseling really help them though just like they'll help you. It takes effort and a willingness to do whatever it takes to recover but we do recover. Life does get better. Getting to the root of the problem behind the domestic abuse and disfunctional relationships is where I'm at right now. Good luck.
AQueen
Do a search DV victims in your area.

May 16, 2007
11:34 am
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AQueen
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I apoligize, I forgot that you don't have children. That's good becaues it makes it a hell of a lot easier to leave! Good for you. Keep us update on your situation. I'm praying for you. You can do this. You have your whole life in front of you, don't look back.
AQueen

May 16, 2007
12:32 pm
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fantas
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Needadvise...good for you girl. As everyone has said, you are doing the right thing. Be strong, he will try to use every manipulation tactic he can come up with. He may call your folks, friends, countless times and try to defend himself and bad mouth you. He'll definitely guilt trip you to make you believe that he is the way he is because of you and that you are unfair for blaming him and leaving him. Be strong and make sure your parents know everything he is doing, make no decision regarding him based on any conversations the 2 of you have without consulting a third objective person. I know this cos I lived it. All the best to you...Keep coming back and sharing your thoughts:)

May 16, 2007
12:39 pm
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Thank You, Guys. God, I am so Thankful that I found this group. I couldn't do this alone...

I just finished packing up. I was practically up all night getting my affairs in order. I couldn't really sleep anyways, but I did get a couple of hours rest. I am not even tired right now. I'm actually kind of wired (probably cuz I'm so anxious).

So, anyways, I'm walking out the door in about 15 min. and I think it's a 5 hour drive. I've never driven from here directly to my Parents house, so I'm not sure.

Again, THANK YOU!!!!

I will email ya'll when I get to my Parents'. I'm meeting a good friend of mine in Va. Beach for dinner and then I'm crashing in her hotel room for the night. She's in town for business. It will be good to be back Home.

God Bless...

May 16, 2007
3:25 pm
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bevdee
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And God keep you. May the angels watch over you.

Be safe.

May 16, 2007
7:17 pm
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Hey Guys, I made it safely to my Parents. My Husband called me from the airport and I told him that I had left him. I tell you all more about our conversation tomorrow. I have to run now because I'm meeting my good friend in Va. Beach and apparently, the people she's doing work for got her a hotel room on the oceanfront. So, I'll be staying with her tonight. I will write more tomorrow when I get back to my Parent's.

THANKS AGAIN!!! I cannot Thank You you all enough...

May 16, 2007
10:43 pm
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Pom 34
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When you take out the garbage in your life the universe conspires to help you. You may be seeing other positive things happening in your life.

As far as he goes, we can only work on our own heads. Just because you are working on yours, is no guarantee that he will work on his. But, one never knows...

Glad you are safe! Don't ever be afraid to be who you are! I am learning this for myself.

Hang in there, Pom 34

May 17, 2007
10:02 am
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Desert Moon
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DV

Hang in there, you are doing all the right things to get support. Good luck!

May 17, 2007
10:17 am
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Tiger Trainer
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ABUSE STARTS SMALL AND KEEPS GROWING, REMEMEBER THEM THE PROBLEM IS NOT YOU BUT HIM, HE NEEDS HELP, IF YOU LOVE HIM YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM AND YOU GET HIM INTO A PROGRAM TO HELP HIM OVER COME BEING AN ABUSER IF HE LOVES HE WILL DO THIS FOR YOU. BUT YOU DO NEED A TIME OUUT AWAY FROM HIM TO LE HIM KNOW THAT YOU NOT GOING TO BE ABUSED AND THE NEXT TIME HE HITS YOU CALL THE POLICE AND GET A RECORD OF IT.

May 18, 2007
8:45 pm
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Hey Guys,
I am still at my Parents' house and I've been talking to my Husband about everything. On Wednes, when I told him that I was leaving him, he sounded kind of like he was stunned, like he couldn't believe it. So, I called him on Thursday and explained why I had to leave. And he cried and I cried and we talked for a long time. I told him that I wanted a divorce, but it hurt so bad to even say it, ya know. Well, I was up late thinking and thinking and I keep thinking that maybe I should at least give him a chance to rehabilitate himself. But, again, I know that statistics. And I don't ever want to go through that (getting hit) EVER again.

So, I talked to him today and I told him that I wanted to at least try and save our marriage. And we talked for a long time. I told him that I should have gone to the Police, but I didn't. But, I assured him that if he ever laid his hands on me again, that I would have him arrested. We talked about what we are going to do, and so once I get a job, I am going to get an apartment. And I told him that we will need to be apart for at least 6 months, but it could be 9 months or maybe even a year. It just depends on how things go.

We are both going to go through counseling and he has already started researching domestic violence counselors. He looked up some of his employee information, but he has to call someone on Monday because they have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and he said that some of our counseling could be free of charge.

He also talked about some of things that he was doing wrong, like not being supportive of me and blowing off my feelings of depression, etc. etc.

I mean, it really made me feel like he was serious about getting better. Now, I know that there are tons of people who tried to give their abusers a second chance, and in the end, their abuser struck them again in the future. So, I don't know what to think. I feel like I should at least give him one chance to rehabilitate.

I told him that there were no guarantees and that maybe I will never get over the fear of being hit again. And if that's the case, then I could never go back to him. He seemed to understand, so I hope I am doing the right thing.

Sorry to ramble on. This has been a rough week, to say the least. Please send me your thoughts and keep the good advice coming. THANKS Again...

May 18, 2007
8:51 pm
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Oh, I forgot to mention that my Husband and I are going to go to different counselors. I keep hearing conflicting reports for couple counseling, so I'm not sure if we will do that or not. But, if we do, we will use a different counselor. But, first we want to get individual counseling. And then we'll go from there.

May 18, 2007
9:01 pm
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bevdee
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Was he willing to get help before you left? In your first post you said he threatened to kill himself after he hit you?

That doesn't seem like taking responsibility for his actions, and agreeing to therapy after you've left is suspicious to me.

I say this because when the abuser I lived with beat me, I would hear tears and excuses while I nursed my wounds. I got to hear what a wretched life he had. The worst beating I got was the morning after one of his nights out- drinking and doing coke. He sobbed to me and said,"I need help- help me" Shit, I couldn't walk. He knew how bad it was and he checked himself into rehab.

So- I am mistrustful of your husband agreeing after you leave to get help. I feel that it is a manipulation to get you to come home.

May 18, 2007
9:30 pm
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Hi bevdee,
Well, yes, my Husband agreed to counseling before I left. The morning after he hit me, we had talked about it. But, at that point, I don't think he thought that I was going to leave him. And to be quite honest, I am skeptical too. And I don't know if I can trust him right now. I keep thinking that 'once a beater, always a beater', ya know. And I know that if I can never get over this feeling that our marriage won't last anyways. And I told my Husband this. I feel better now that we have talked and gotten so many things out in the open, but I don't think for a second that it is going to be easy.

I want to believe that he is Serious about getting help. I know that abusers have a tendency of manipulating their victims, but I just hope (and Pray) that he isn't trying to manipulate me and that he is being Real.

May 18, 2007
9:40 pm
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Your husband IS serious about getting help, changing, never abusing you again. That is not the problem. The problem lies in the deep seated beliefs they carry with them when in comes to responding in a violent way to stressore. Often there is a honeymoon period, where the abuser is very remorsful and promises never to repeat his actions again. This lasts only so long as stressors build up, and the pattern repeats. Hitting is not the only form of abuse, either. He may draw the line at hitting, but become verbally or emotionally abusesive or threataning.
So even though your husband is hurting and really, really wanting to change at this point in time, in all probability will fall back into his pattern of abuse. It may be a while, (mine was good for about a year) but it will happen again, unless the abuser truly realizes that what he is doing is truly wrong and destructive, and this is hard for a lot of them to believe deep down.

May 18, 2007
11:14 pm
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Desert Moon,
Thank You for your insight. Yeah, this really sucks because I truly want to Believe that he wants to change. I really, really do. And he probably doesn't deserve a second chance, to be quite honest. But, I can't close the door just yet because my Husband and I have been friends for over 16 years and I don't know, I just feel like I should at least give him one shot.

I know that very few abusers ever get rehabilitated. And I'm sure everyone who has been abused would love to think their abuser is among them. I am no different. I want to believe that my Husband truly wants to get better. I know that he is totally ashamed of himself right now, as he should be. And we both know that he (and I) need help.

Yes, this has probably been the most stressful past year of our lives as we moved to North Carolina a little over a year ago. And it's been tough.

We are going to be separated for at least 6 months and after that time, I will re-evaluate. I told him that I may not want to come back to him after our separation, and he seemed to understand that. I lived by myself for 5 years before we got married, so he is fully aware that I am able to take care of myself. And that's also why I'm going to have to do some major soul searching within myself, because I really enjoyed living alone. So, I know that there is a possibility that I don't want to live with him anymore. He travels about 50% for work (2 weeks per month) and I really enjoy my quiet time...almost too much sometimes.

So, that's why I say that I will try to save our marriage. But, even I couldn't tell you right now if I will even want him back, even after the counseling and treatment. But, as long as have you guys helping me through, hopefully, when the time comes, I will be able to make the Right decision. Thanks again...

May 19, 2007
3:17 am
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fantas
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NA...First of all let me say bravo to you for moving away from your ex and keeping yourself physically safe. I realize that it's harder to create emotional distance but I think you have to try doing it before you can think objectively about what you should do about your marriage. Like what the others have said and from your own post, your husband is a volatile man with or without stressors and it's my opinion that he will probably not change. In my opinion, I think that a person who is truly repentant about their abuse and understands the gravity of their action, would remove him/herself from the presence of the victim/s, seek help, and never return until clinally certified to be safe. This is what your husband should do. I truly do not believe that your husband has had an epiphany in less than a day. He is full manipulation mode right now. If you wish to give another chance, then set the bar really high. Like he needs anger management, spousal abuse awareness, self esteem course and so much more. These he needs to do without any strings attached. All this wouldn't take less than a year. In the mean time, do your own emotional healing work. In a year, you both can reassess the status of your marriage. Basically your separation would mean not contact for a year. M hunch is if you set such a standard, it would piss him off and try to make you change your mind. Anyway, go with with your heart. As I had said earlier, don't make any major changes based on your conversations with him alone. Involve a third objective party. All the best.

May 19, 2007
6:59 am
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My husband hit me once too. about twelve years ago. I left for a few hours. I came back and told him if he ever hit me again, it would be over. It didn't matter that I was messing with him and he just reacted. There's no reason ever for him to hit me. He didn't buy me flowers or try to make up. He acknowledged he was wrong, he was sincerely sorry and, most important, he never tried to manipulate me into feeling like it was my fault he hit me. He took complete responsibility. and he is in no way controlling or aggressive toward me ever, never has been. no other warning signs. its been twelve years and he hasn't ever hit me in that time and if he did, I would still pack up and leave, because that was his one.

bonni

May 19, 2007
12:27 pm
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AQueen
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Your husband is acting exactly like all abuser do. Textbook response reallly. I mean what did you expect him to do, jump up and down and be happy you're gone? No, of course he's going to say he's up for counseling blah blah blah. I wouldn't live with him right now because that shows that you are giving in to his control. He is just using different tactic's, but they are still tactic's. Get to a DV support group ASAP. The more you say stuff you don't mean like I'm moving out, the more control he establishes over you and he knows it. NEVER enter couples counseling with an abuser, NEVER. Seriously, don't. I mean it's foolish because he is an abuser/controller and he will manipulate the counselor too. Both of my DV advocates strongle recommend invidual counseling. They also are very upfront about how all men act like your spouse after they hit their wife or girlfriend. Counseling after he hit you, a little late. If you stay it will happen again, they rarely rehabilitate. My was in counseling and he was good for awhile but I stayed and he took that as weakness which it was. The verbal and physical abuse started again. It's take a much tougher woman to leave than to stay. Change is hard but so worth it.
AQueen

May 19, 2007
1:48 pm
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atalose
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I am just getting the chance to catch up on your post and I think you are one strong lady, I feel so proud for you because you took control of your own life. It took courage to leave and to open up and tell your family and friends what happened. It's very wise that you seek counseling for just you and that you will live apart from him for awhile. I think working on the marriage will come but only after you have worked on you and if that is what you chose to do. It's so hard right now but my suggestion would be to focus on just you and let him focus on just him and don't allow the working on the marriage to cloud either of your recoveries. If you force two broken parts to come together then all you have is one bigger broken thing. You both need to fix yourselfs first before fixing the marriage.
It's like you are on a new journey to learn more about yourself and with that new knowledge where it may take you. If you keep focusing on just the marriage you kind of stay stuck in the same place not seeing new things or learning about just you.
When there is a threat that someone is going to leave the person being left tends to hold on for dear life and wanting all kinds of assurances of there future. I think you are again very strong and smart in not giving those assurances to your husband right now, how can you. If you tend to give those assurances there may not be a real reason for him to truely seek help for himself.
Just my thoughts and I wanted to say how proud you should feel and to stay strong, you are stronger then you think.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 19, 2007
3:25 pm
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Hey Guys,
Gosh, I am so glad that I have this support group. Every time I read someone's post, I get more and more clarity on my situation. You all really do ROCK.

I know that I just left my Husband on Wednesday, but honestly, the more time I spend away from him, the more I learn about myself and about his illness.

It was weird cuz earlier today, I went jogging in the neighborhood across the street from my Parent' neighborhood. And I saw the mailperson delivering mail in their mailtruck. But, the mailperson didn't see me. Well, after my run, I decided to call one of my oldest highschool friends because I hadn't talked to her in a long time. Well, this is crazy but my friend was the mailperson that I saw earlier (Freaky!). And so I told her what had happened and how I left my Husband, etc. And then she told me that she had been assaulted by her ex-boyfriend. I couldn't believe it. So, we talked for a long time about everything. She left her bf and never looked back. It's just amazing how many women (and men) are going through this and you would never know.

So, I'm going to meet up with her next weekend b/c she is taking vacation time starting next Thursday. I know that I need to find a support group, so I am going to search the web to try and find one in this area.

Oh, I gotta run. More later...

May 19, 2007
3:43 pm
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Desert Moon
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your HP is definitely working hard in your life right now! 🙂

May 19, 2007
4:19 pm
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Good job DV. You are a brave woman!!
Please do not go back to him until you have proof that he is going to counseling for a long period of time-a yr at least.

Proof:
**Have him show you the counselors receipts for a yr.

**Notice if he verbally takes responsibility for his action. If he starts blaming you for stuff then he isnt changing.

** See what he does or says during the next few arguments. If he has learned appropriate ways of dealing with his anger, then it will show. This means NO verbal abuse, NO blame, NO cussing, NO "I hate you" or name calling.

What I see happening at my job is this .....the abuser goes to counseling but it tapers off after a few sessions. It takes a heck of alot more than a few sessions for a person to change.

Personally though, he broke the rules. Any abuse and its over for good. Phys, sexual, verbal, or affairs.

Be firm, be strong.

thewall

December 4, 2007
7:13 pm
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Hello. It's been a long time since I have written (since last May) and I have been trying to get my life in order. A lot has happened since then. First of all, I ended up going back to my Husband after about a week or so. Living with my Parents was horrible and I realized that my Father is very abusive (more mentally, but he was physically abusive when I was a child/teenager). So, maybe that is one of the reasons why I was attracted to an abuser. Who knows. (?)

But, anyways, so, I am currently living with my Husband. And back in May, we both started going to counseling (separately). But, as time went on, he started going less and less. And I would mention something, and then he would go. But, after a while, I felt like I was nagging him about it. So, I decided not to say anything and see how long it would take him to go back on his own. Well, I can't even remember the last time he went, to be quite honest. Also, about a month ago, he started talking about how he doesn't like living in North Carolina. And that maybe we chose the wrong city to live in (We moved here about 2 years ago from Virginia). So, he suggested that maybe we move to Austin, Texas. Okay, so I started seeing the signs: Like, he wanted to get me even further away from my support system. Most of my close friends & family live in Virginia. And I have a couple of close friends in my neighborhood.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I told him that I needed to leave him and be alone. And he took it very well, and he admitted that he wasn't happy either.

Oh, and when I last wrote in May, I was unemployed. Well, I Finally found a job and have been working there since the beginning of July. And I started stashing away about $400 dollars a month. I wasn't sure if I was going to stay with him, but I had to see if he was serious about getting Better. But, I needed to save up money because if I left him, I would need money to move, etc.

I am a contractor, so I don't have benefits. But, a full-time position has opened up in my group and I applied a couple of weeks ago. The interviewing hasn't started yet, so I'm trying to prepare myself. If I don't get this job, it's very possible that my contract will be up at the end of January. So, I'm very nervous about becoming unemployed again. 🙁 My Husband turned into a real A-hole when I was unemployed earlier this year.

Well, I need to do some things around the house. My Husband is on travel this week, so it's a good week. He was home for the whole month of November and I was dying for him to go on travel.

THANK YOU all again for all of your help and advice. I never ever thought that my life would turn into a Lifetime movie...

-Need DV Advice

December 4, 2007
7:50 pm
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breifly went over this post...but the title says it all....get out, go to family or friends...you do not deserve this!!!!!!!!!!!

December 4, 2007
8:15 pm
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I agree with camer, get far away.
Good for you for saving money. Keep it up

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