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My Husband hit me and I don't know what to do
May 14, 2007
12:30 am
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Hi, I'm new here and I need help figuring out what to do. My husband (of 5-1/2+ years) and I got in a huge fight this past Friday night because he said that I disrespected him by being overly friendly to another man while we were out at a bar. He screamed at me in the car on the way home and I didn't want to fight so I thought that if I just let him vent that everything would be okay. Well, he went to bed in our guest room and when I came upstairs I tried to talk to him about it. I tried to get in bed with him to talk, but he went off on me and started screaming at me again and then he punched me on my right arm 3 or 4 times while I was laying down. So, I screamed back at him because I was so Upset (and shocked). And I cried and cried. I didn't fight back because he weighs like 100 lbs. more than me and I knew I would lose that battle anyways. Plus, I'm not a violent person. Then, he starts crying and apologizing, threatening suicide, etc. and he goes for a drive. He came back later. And I had decided to sleep on the couch downstairs, although I didn't get much sleep. The next day (Saturday) we talked about things and we decided that we are in desperate need of counseling. We talked for a long time.

I have known my husband for a very long time, like over 16 years, but this isn't the first time he got physical with me. A year or two after college, in a heated argument, I grabbed his glasses off of his face (which I know was wrong) and he in turn chased me down and slapped me on my thigh. And then a few weeks after that (in another heated argument), he pushed me and held me against a wall. And after that, we talked and talked and I told him that if he ever laid his hands on me again, that it was Over and that I would not put up with that. Well, maybe that was my clue and I guess maybe I should have just ended things there. I don't know. Well, that was 11 or 12 years ago and at that point, we both promised to never get physical with each other because that doesn't solve anything.

Right now, we are in a new house (our first house that we own) and we have moved to a new state. I quit my job to move here and he kept his job because he works out of our home when he's not traveling. So, I'm having trouble finding work here. And he complains constantly about financially supporting me. He also doesn't like his job because he travels about 2 weeks every month. In addition, he gets upset because I've been a little discouraged about my job situation and also we lost our 2 pets earlier this year, so I sleep until 10am or so everyday, and that pisses him off. He wants me to spend 6 hours a day on my job search, but we are in this big house and I am doing most of the chores since I'm not working. Oh, and he is 35 yrs. old and I am 34. We don't have any children (Thank God) and we were not planning to have any. Anyways, I just wanted to give a little background and insight as to our situation. So, anyways, he left today for another work trip. And I am happy that he is gone. We slept in our bed last night and it was very hard for me. I wanted him to just go to sleep, but he wouldn't. He waited up for me and when I got in bed, he started making advances. We had sex, but it was so uncomfortable for me, but I did it anyways because I didn't want him to get mad. Afterwards, I felt like my heart was going to explode because I felt so much anxiety.

I am so Scared of him now. I don't know what to do. He has called me a couple of times today/this evening and he can tell that something is wrong. I want our marriage to work, but I keep thinking that there is no way that I can stay with him. I keep wondering that if a person has abused another person in such a way, that is it possible for them to be rehabilated??? Should I just leave him? I don't have a job, but I do have my own car and I have a little bit of money, but not alot. If I leave him, I could probably stay with my Parents, but they live 5-1/2 hours away. I really just don't know what to do...Help.

May 14, 2007
12:40 am
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serenityali
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Need DV advice,

I suggest you look in the telephone book for the nearest Domestic Violence program and give them a call. They have "safe houses" and support groups, plus can go to court and assist with restraining orders if in order. Usually once abuse begins, it doesn't stop without counseling. Good luck...

Ali

May 14, 2007
12:42 am
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Anonymous
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They don't get how you don't want to be near them when you are terrified of them to the point you have to lie to them with you actions...do things that your heart is there in.

It is really scary hun...I lost 40lbs because the anxiety of no longer getting to be me safely ate away at me.

Make a plan...put away $20 a week...whatever you can...and get your own bank account completely separate from him...whether you stay or go this will be a comfort to you. Do little things to empower yourself and remind yourself of your value...the way you felt before this relationship.

Will he go to counseling?

Forget that...will you go to counseling...you are the one that needs the most love, care, and support right now.

love and comfort to you Need DV Advice

May 14, 2007
2:43 am
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smarterone
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I agree always have a plan, a way out, savings, important paper hiddent, everything in one place to grab in case. This will happen time and time again i have been there, he will never understand why he does it or your fear of him. save yourself now.

May 14, 2007
11:36 am
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StronginHim77
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Once a man has abused you physically, it will escalate. You are afraid of him. GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE.

He fits the profile of the classic abuser...raging at you, hitting you...then acting apologetic and shame-faced the next day, trying to force you into accepting him back as your sex partner (that is a POWER move, my friend), etc.

You need to walk away from this relationship, as soon as you can. It is unhealthy...toxic...and it is not going to get any better. Take two unstable people, add alcohol and VOILA!!! Major blow-ups. Add to that some financial strain, lack of support and kindness from your partner and you have got a VERY VERY bad situation.

It will NOT get better. Do not nurse false hopes that he will never do this to you again. Yes. He will. He is an abuser. PERIOD. Nothing you did could ever justify him raging at you (verbal abuse) or laying a hand on you (physical abuse). He is BAD NEWS.

Even if an outraged, betrayed woman slaps a man across the face (a policy which I do NOT endorse, by the way), no man should ever retaliate, physically. They are, indeed, the stronger sex and should be our PROTECTORS...NOT OUR ENEMIES.

I strongly urge you to contact the nearest Domestic Abuse Hotline for information and support. They can direct you to emergency shelters, help you with job training/employment and long-term housing. Contact them, ASAP. And don't look back.

If you remain in this relationship, it will only get worse. That much, I can promise you. I realize this is probably not what you want to hear. It is so frightening to have to leave our abusers. For so many reasons. But our only path to recovery lies in finding the courage to take that first, HUGE step and Leave Our Abusers.

- Ma Strong

May 14, 2007
12:42 pm
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Desert Moon
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Please, please, listen to what Ma Strong says and Leave!!

I was in a physically abusive marraige for 22 years. For years I was in denial that it would get better. It didn't. After doing much research on the subject I have learned much about domestic violence and men who abuse.

I learned that these men have very strong mindsets about women. They tend to think of them property, or at least that they can and should be controlled. Once they feel the control is being lost, they tend to get worse.

They are huge manipulators too. If they feel you are serious about leaving they will pull out all the stops to get you back, switching tactics often. If being nice doesnt work they will switch to threats and insults. If that doesn't work they will use guilt.(I cant live without you is a common response). Dont believe it for a second when they tell you they have changed or that it will never hapen again.

I am not trying to bash all abusers but I just know these men have poor track records for change. Research says only a small percentage do. My counsellor at the domestic violence agency I went to for help told me the same thing. My own husband, who went through six months of intensive group therapy three times a week still has not changed completely. The only reason he doesnt abuse me anymore is because I left him. Even so, I had to call the police on him in my own home become he threatened me (This was a year after our divorce was final, by the way).

Don't be fooled. Once they know you are back under their control, they will revert back to their old ways. The best thing to do is leave and dont look back. Get help as you will need it. That's what domestic violence agencies are their for. Use them! I cant stress this enough!

DM

May 14, 2007
1:15 pm
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nappy
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Before I start, your husband does know what he is doing.

Re-read what you wrote and underline ALL OF THE RED FLAGS that you wrote.

And if you notice, you have more then one or two.

Your husband is a angry man and he is angry at you and the more that you are staying home and he is working, then guess what? He will continue to be the way he is and he is going to take out his anger on you. First was the arm, next it will be in the face.
And with him working at home sometimes and seeing you waking up around 10 or so every morning, yes he is angry.

I would be out there working. I would be trying to get myself together and trying to get my own money.

Some mens don't care if you are depress. Some mens don't even care what your problems are. They just sometimes only cares about there selfess self.

When you got into the bed with him last night, when he started making advances toward you for sex, you should of punch him in the arm (3 or 4 times) and when he said what is that for, you should of told him that you thought that was some kind of foreplay that he did the other night.

Nappy

May 14, 2007
3:56 pm
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Thank You so much, you all. I know what I have to do and that is--leave him. I don't know, I guess I thought that maybe if he agreed to conseling (which he has) and if we got help that maybe we could save this relationship. But, at this point, I don't think that it is worth saving. I know what the statistics are, and most likely, he will hit me again. This really sucks.

Well, I have some money saved up, in a separate savings account. I also have my own checking acct. I've always kept my own accounts because I like to think of myself as being independent. So, last night, I changed my password because he knows it.

He has been calling me today and he can tell that something is 'wrong'. He gets back from his travel on Thursday morning (he flying in on a red eye). So, I'm leaving on Wednesday to go to my Parents' house. A good friend of mine is going to be in the area, so I'm going out to dinner with her on Wednesday night. Also, I am getting ready to call the Hotline because I know that I need conseling too. And in a couple of hours, I have a friend in the neighborhood that is coming over to talk to me. She works with some sort of Social Services agency for domestic violence here in the area. I also am going to have her take some pictures of my arm because it is all bruised up now.

At first, I didn't want to tell anyone about all of this. But, in doing more and more research, I learned that I would be hurting myself more if I didn't tell my friends. Plus, I know now that I need to protect myself.

I really Appreciate all of your advice. I really, really, do. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm going to try and stay strong and get through this. I'll be in touch...

May 14, 2007
5:17 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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If he wants to go to counselling with you that is wonderful and wil lhelp you a ot. but meanwhile you need to keep yourself safe. These people here know wha they are talking about

May 14, 2007
5:31 pm
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Can you check if your area has an organization known as "Safe Horizons?" That is where a hospital sent me for counseling. They do more than just that I think.

May 14, 2007
6:04 pm
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Beareal
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It sounds like to me that your husband is under a lot of stress...new house....you're not working....travels all the time. I think counselling is a good idea. I believe the "leave him statements," are too hasty.

You mentioned a couple of times that you were agressive towards him. The violence and aggressiveness needs to stop. When you go to bars, you need to respect your husband and not be overly freindly with the opposite sex. Of course, the two of you have to dicuss this and decide what the limits are and then respect each others wishes.

May 14, 2007
6:10 pm
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Though alcohol can warp perceptions on both sides, there is no excuse for physical violence over matters of jealousy- and little to anything else for that matter. But, you need support before you do something you regret- do talk to a professional. Try going to an ER. It may take a better part of the day, but they might have someone to counsel you on site. Maybe better yet, your MD would. This would make your husband less suspicious. You just have to say you needed to have a consultation and that is no lie!

May 14, 2007
6:42 pm
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doubleloss
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Hi NeedDVA - the greatest thing is to talk about it and to NOT protect him. I can only imagine how hard that is but from what I know, the DV gets worse becaue the men "count" on the women to say nothing about it.

You know what to do and are doing it, get out. And if you think you want and it's worth it, perhaps start going to counselling w/him and on your own. There's no excuse for physical violence and worse for emotioanl and mental violence...if you're scared of the guy listen to your gut. I hope all works out for you. good to have the bruises documented. and talk to everyone that will listen. please take good care of yourself.

May 14, 2007
6:45 pm
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Hi Need DV Advice,

We have all heard stories of being out on the town with someone and then being offended when our boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife is friendly-flirtatious-whatever with someone else.

Maybe you were being disrespectful or maybe not. But you ended up going home with your husband--didn't he notice?

In the absence of clear infidelity or breaking of agreements, expressing anger about Jealousy is almost always wrong--abusive.

I don't know you or your story well enough to advise you to leave your husband or to try to stick it out and improve your relationship.

I do know that you need to study the phenomenon of intimate partner abuse.

And...

You and your husband need to get clear about 2 things:

First, that any form of abuse is wrong--even verbal abuse--because it causes INJURY.

Second, that the next time he lays his hands on you in anger, you will be calling 911 and he will be going to jail. Period.

May 14, 2007
7:11 pm
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Need DV Advice,

I applaud you that you have a plan, you have a time to leave , you have some money saved up, you have friends, you have family, and you have a place to go. ALso, you know you will need some counseling. You know its time. I get the strong feeling you have been thinking about this for a long time.

I wish you the best, and let us know when you get there. We are all here to support you.

May 14, 2007
8:41 pm
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fantas
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Need DV advise...I dealt with abuse for a long time and I have learnt that regardless of who it is, the first time someone lays their hands on you is one time too many. I am going to post a a thread on signs of an abusive personality. From what you say your husband will hurt you very badly in a physical sense. I think he has already hurt you emotionally and psychologically to a point where you are already doubting yourself. Please keep writing here and see if any if the stuff written here makes sense to you. Be safe.

May 14, 2007
8:56 pm
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Smart thing to take those pictures and keep them in a safe place where he can't get them, with a friend or someone easy to contact. Let's hope you don't need them.

May 14, 2007
9:38 pm
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Hey ya'll, me again. Again, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. My friend just left and she referred me to a counselor and I am meeting with her tomorrow at 2pm.

I know that ya'll don't know me well, but I am a very friendly person and when my husband and I are out on the town (at bars) I tend to be very friendly to everyone, girls too. Like, when I'm drinking alcohol, I LOVE everyone. And I think part of the reason I have been this way, is because my husband tends to ignore me (or at least that's the way I feel). I have to admit that I crave attention and often I don't get that from him. And the man that I was overly friendly to was--and I'm not trying to be mean--but he was not really that attractive and he was a very, very large fellow. So, it shocked me even more that my husband was Jealous of him. After he hit me, I screamed at him over and over, "WHAT DID I DO?!?!?" because I truly didn't understand why he thought I disrespected him. I was my normal self.

So, anyways, I have a plan. I didn't call the authorities because I wanted (and want) to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, I have to leave and have some time to myself while I think things through. I would Love for marriage to last, but I have to be realistic about things.

My friend took pictures of my bruises and I will keep the pictures in a safe place. My husband is a software (computer) person and he is very, very clever. But, I'm also a software person so I know how to cover my tracks. I will be very careful.

It was good talking to my friend (neighbor) and it is equally good talking to you all. It will be a long road to recovery...

May 15, 2007
10:34 am
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gracenotes
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Need,

Good plan! You talked with your friend, you're seeing a counselor. You have pictures. I guess you are leaving this week for your mom's? Be careful, stay safe, and be sure to cover your tracks on your computer too if you are signing in from your home computer. Its real easy to anyone to install those spy programs in your home computer.

May 15, 2007
11:59 am
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AQueen
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You are in a domestic violence relationship and it's not just because of the physical abuse. I see some of the tactic's from the power and control wheel being used against you. The power and control wheel is something we learn in domestic violence support groups, it list the tactic's they use to abuse and control us.
This is what I see from what you've described--

Using coercion and threats
threatening to commit suicide

Using isolation
controlling what she does, who she sees, who she TALKS TO, where she goes, what she reads,
uses jealousy to justify actions

Using intimidation
making her afraid by using gestures, actions, looks
smashing things

Sexual abuse
making her do sexual things againist her will
treating her like a sex object

Using male privlege
treating her like a SERVANT
making all the big decisions

Economic abuse
making her ask for money
giving her an allowence
preventing her from getting or keeping a job

Using emotional abuse
putting her down
making her feel bad aobut herself
making her think she's crazy
playing mind games
making her feel guilty

Now those aren't all the tactics, those are one's I see that he's using by what you said in your post. The complete list is under the thread "Sorry-Must Read Power and Control Whell--Click this one"
Check it out, educate yourself on the tactic he uses to control you.
Check out my post cycle of violence

I've been there, I'm free now and loving life. You can leave.

AQueen

NEVER NEVER get couples counseling with an abuser/controller. My domestic violence counselor and the counselor that leads my support group said never never do that because he will dominate the session explaining away his behavior. You won't be able to get a word in or you'll be intimidated not to speak. If you get counseling you both get your own seperate counseling, that's the only way it works if it works at all. I didn't know this either until I started getting help. I used to beg my guy to attend couples counseling, now I'm thankful I didn't because it wouldn't have been productive. Many regular counselor don't know this, some DV counselors may be in the dark. I get help from a domestic violence organization that is really educated and up to date on everything.

May 15, 2007
11:58 pm
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Hi you guys. I went to a counselor today and talked to her about my situation. She was very helpful and I am so glad I talked to someone (in person) about all of this. I really needed that, ya know. I also called my Parents today and told them everything, so of course, they want me to come home. I can't write much because I have been trying to get packed and get my financials in order and straighten up a little bit.

I went to our neighborhood's weekly 'Girl's Night' (on Tuesday nights) and I told my friends what was going on. I wanted them all to know what was going on so they could look out for me. One of the girls lives right across the street, so I gave her a distress signal (like someone had mentioned...Thank You). But, for now, I am leaving.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do. My Gut tells me to leave him. But, my Heart tells me that maybe if he got help that we could salvage this marriage. I don't know. I am of the belief also that--once an abuser, always an abuser. The statistics don't lie. But, I can't say for sure what I'm going to do. But, I know that I need to put some distance between my Husband and me and take some time to figure out what I want and what I need to be safe.

My Husband doesn't know that I'm leaving, but I am going to call him tomorrow after I'm gone and let him know that I'm heading to my Parents. I don't know how he will react because I'm sure he doesn't want my Parents to know what happened. But, I guess he should have thought about that before he put his hands on me. Oh, and the reason I'm telling him that I'm heading to Parents is because he knows that that is where I would go anyways.

I'm not sure how he will react to me leaving him, but according to everything I've read (and heard), he will apparently get upset and angry. So, hopefully, I will be safe. My Parents live 5-1/2 hours away, so hopefully that's a good distance. If I feel I am in danger, I can always go to my Brother/Sister-in-Law's because my Hubby doesn't know where they live.

Okay, enough for now. I'll be in touch. Thanks again, guys...

May 16, 2007
12:44 am
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smarterone
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gpd bless you and good luck. I wish i was as strong as you. Having a supportive family is important. i dont have one. Im proud of you and you received great advice from some of the most wonderful people here. Good luck

May 16, 2007
1:05 am
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Thank You, smarterone.

I'm back. I just wanted to give a quick update. I just got off of the phone with my Husband and he told me that his day should end around noon (west coast time), so around 3pm my time. And then he was going to try and get an earlier flight. Geez, Thank Goodness, I was planning to leave in the morning...Whew!

He can tell that something is wrong with my voice and I think he heard me gathering papers because my cell phone's earpiece is very sensitive and picks up background noise. He started questioning me about what I was doing, so I stopped shuffling my papers and told him I was reading a magazine. It's strange, but he seems very inquisitive, like more so than usual.

Well, I gotta get back to my packing. I have so much to do. I'll check in with ya'll in the morning before I leave.

May 16, 2007
5:33 am
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bevdee
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(((NeedDVadvice)))

All the best to you. You are doing the right thing by getting out and not telling him.

Be careful. Be safe.

May 16, 2007
11:03 am
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Go with God.

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