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My husband has a "girl" friend
February 7, 2005
8:17 pm
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Mending
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I know what I need to do, yet I don't know what the result will be. I've known my husband for 27 years - been married for over 20. He has developed a relationship with a 22 year old girl who looks at him like a father figure (she has a horrible relationship with her father). When I learned about their friendship 4 months ago, he told me it was "nothing" and he was just trying to help her cope with issues she was facing. My sense is that she is mentally unstable and he is trying to save her and help her. I don't think they are having a sexual relationship, but the emotional relationship, to me, is even worse. Over time, things have gotten worse. I accepted the "just friends" story until recently. I think he is addicted to her. I have caught him in lies about her and his relationship is impacting his ability to do his work - and he has a very stressful, high profile job. I think about the impact of this relationship on his career if others knew about it, and it makes me shudder. It is impacting my health (and his). The good news is that we talk, even though he is not always being honest when talking to me about her. I know he knows what he is doing is wrong, or else he would not lie. However, he cannot (will not) stop. Yesterday I gave him an ultimatum - give up the relationship with her or leave. I am not sure what he will do - asked me for time to think about it. I know he is in a bad place - this is not the man I've known for 27 years, which is why I did not go ballistic when he asked for time. However, I am grounded in my decision. I WILL NOT become a victim and stay in a relationship where trust is broken. I am still young (relatively speaking), intelligent (except when it comes to men!), attractive (so some say) and have a great career. If he decides to leave me because I won't let him stay in a destructive relationship while living with me, he does not deserve me. Having said that, I would love to know if anyone out there has had a similar problem. How do you resolve it when you see someone you love on a destructive path? Thanks for listening

February 7, 2005
8:21 pm
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CAMER
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welcome Mending....I am sure you will get lotsa responses on this.

My input with just him "lying" is enough for you to want him to leave or stop the relationship. I think trust is huge and yes, he has crossed the boundaries on this. I am glad you are so grounded on your decision and sticking with it, now its up to him on what he wants to do, I just want to say, you have every right to feel this way, the trust is broken, and yes, unless he willingly changes, I think you are doing the right thing.

February 7, 2005
8:33 pm
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lostinthismess
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hi,
I am currently in a simmilar situation. My Hubby has maintained a relationship (mental not physical) with a 10 year younger family member of mine. He has done many of the things your hubby has done (lies etc...) Unfortunatly I was not strong like you and it got to the point where he told me he was in love with her. He knows it can not be now and is seeking help. Good Luck to you.YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! God bless I hope your hubby makes the right choice.

February 7, 2005
8:33 pm
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sdesigns
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If he is lying about this relationship, you had to discover this on your own, it is affecting his job, your health, it needs to stop. Or he needs to leave- as you have told him. The fact that he hesitated when you gave him an ultimatum tells you this is not as innocent as he says- its something that means a great deal to him if he even has to think about it for more than 1 second. He is destroying a 20 year marriage and has lost your trust. I applaud you for not being wishy washy on this- you're correct in your thinking. I wouldn't give him a long time to think about this either. Your way or the highway. Good luck. SD

February 7, 2005
10:06 pm
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addicts wife
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I too applaud you for Making a decision VERBALLy and preparing to stand you ground... The hesitation when approached about the value of a TWENTY year marraige over a "friend" Is very un nerving ,and disheartening..I can't say I wouldve done any different. This is unhealthy, and has crossed lines... I hope you are doing ok?? and Hang in there!!

February 7, 2005
11:00 pm
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addicts wife
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Have you brought it up to him again?? Do you have a plan?? Please be safe, and know we are here for you to vent, etc... Hope you are having a peaceful evening... Take GOOD care of yourself!!

February 8, 2005
12:22 am
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on my way
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If it were me, and I had been married to someone as long as you have, and had basically had a good marriage until now...I would do everything to save it. Will he go to counseling?

February 8, 2005
3:28 pm
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kathygy
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I think you are doing the right thing. You can't have a relationship without trust. He can't have both of you and it doesn't sound like he would give her up on his own. Good for you at taking a strong and clear stand.

February 8, 2005
9:01 pm
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GullyFoyle
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I agree about the counseling, if you want.

However, this relationship between your husband and this girl, has all the ear-markings of a very unhealthy relationship. That is going to turn out badly. The question is, do you want to be there when it does?

Gully

February 9, 2005
4:48 am
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Mending
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You cannot imagine how much your comments mean to me. I am really struggling and have NO ONE to talk to. Thanks for being out there. My husband and I are in counselling (although we have only been once). Our next appt. is on Valentines day. The problem is that he does not think there is a problem with his relationship. He says that it is innocent and the reason he lies about it is because he knows how I will react to the truth. I do go a little nuts when I learn he's had an hour long conversation with her in the middle of the night. And I am smart enough to know married men shouldn't do that. I also asked if I could meet her - perhaps we could have a friendship together. He doesn't think it's a good idea. As for the ultimatim I gave him - we agreed to ask our therapist if there might be another solution. Though I will try to keep an open mind, I cannot continue living my life obsessing every time he is away from me, and wondering if he is talking to her. She is a graduate student and lives out of town, so at least I don't have to worry about him seeing her, unless of course school is out. I need to get control of my life. Again, thanks for listening.

February 9, 2005
5:02 am
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gardengnome
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Reading your story brings me back to 8 months ago in my life.

I waited, was patient, he lived with us and saw her whenever he could.

It started as a friendship, then became a game, he was convinced she was going to chew him up and spit him out.

Never happend, now i've asked him to leave because it was too painful for me.

When I think about it, I should have done this 6 months ago and maybe just maybe things would be settled with me by now.

Seeing a therapist while the affair is ongoing was useless. Now he's seeing a therapist alone and so am I.
I hope the therapist shows him that what he's doing is not right, but who knows.

Don't let it drag on like I did, i'm in my 8th month of suffering, wondering at this point what will he do next?

February 9, 2005
5:04 am
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gardengnome
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Maybe that's my problem, I should't be wondering what he's gonna do next,

but more like what i'm gonna do next

Think about you...that's what everyone tells me...

February 9, 2005
7:53 am
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woundedspirit
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I know I keep saying this throughout different posts but...Im soooo confused on the whole opposite sex friends thing. The boundaries just seem to easy to cross and hurt. My actual ex husband who was with for 15 years from junior high on never had woman friends outside of me. We had joint friends and this was never an issue. My ex bf of 3 1/2, incidentally the only one Ive dated since my divorce, tells me that is only because we grew up together and its not the real world. He thinks he should be able to do whatever he wants with women "friends" I dont know as long as they dont have sex. They get so emotionally close though. And do things like hanging out alone together that I dont know if I can ever be comfortable with. he says Im old fashioned and controlling and unrealistic. The biggest issue for us was that he constantly lied about it and told me he wasnt that close to them and didnt see them. But Id always find out different. Then he would say they are just friends and I need to "trust" him. I told him he first needs to show me he is trustworthy and not lie about it. He feels he is trustworthy even if he doesnt tell me about it as long as he isnt having sex. I really feel for you. I just dont know what is really acceptable anymore and what is just me...Im definitely of the belief that what your husband is doing is wrong and disrespectful to you. My ex would disagree and claim they can be close friends and you shouldnt have to meet her and you should just trust he isnt doing anything innappropriate. But...still...in my heart...I feel just what you do know about IS inappropriate. I hope councelling will help.

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