Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
My husband had an affair.... and i think its continuing
September 9, 2001
12:16 pm
Avatar
comase
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've been married for 10 years and have two children. I found out about 4 months ago that he had a 3-month affair. We fought about it continuously, he says he's not seeing her anymore, but still talks to her. I'm going crazy constantly investigating around my own house. I want to leave, but I don't want my family involved and I have no where else to go.... and I don't want to leave me children. What do I do?

September 10, 2001
12:57 am
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A few questions that you don't have to answer to me, but might assist you in getting a perspective.

Why is he still talking to this woman? Does he work with her? Are they longtime friends? When does he talk to her? Does it make you uncomfortable that he talks to her? If you asked him to cease communicating with her, would he? Would it make you feel better to know that he had cut off all contact with her?

Finally, perhaps the most important and painful question... why do you think he had the affair? Lack of physical intimacy with you? Lack of emotional connection? Stress? Boredom with what he already had? Midlife crisis? Seeking a way to feel young and powerful? What need was the affair filling for him that the marriage wasn't?

September 10, 2001
6:15 pm
Avatar
sally-anne
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gingerleigh, when someone strays from a "stable" relationship, does that mean that the relationship was not fulfilling a need in them? How can that person find out what that need is. I have friends who are seeing guys even though they are in happy marriages. When you ask them why, they say they don't know. They say that they have everything they want from their marriages. But they can't have, can they?

September 10, 2001
6:37 pm
Avatar
1dvsgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You hit the nail on the head Sally-Anne. When someone strays they are looking for something. I think what gingerleigh was getting at wasn't that it's the partner who is faithful's fault, but looking at what is lacking is key to working it out, if you can.

Comase- If he loves you and your family and there is nothing going on anymore than he needs to cut off all communication with this woman. He needs to be talking to you and working on your relationship and rebuilding the trust that has been lost. If you really want to leave all you have to do is a little looking in your community. There are always shelter/housing programs for people who leave situations such as these. Involve your family. You will need a support system. I was mortified to have to go to my parents and tell them what was going on in my marriage. I had to swallow my pride and get out. That was 5 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. I'm not saying you have to leave or even make that decision right now. There are LOTS of couples who survive one partner being unfaithful. What you need to do right now is get yourself somewhere that doesn't drive you crazy. Where you're not checking his pockets, or for receipts in his wallet, or the received calls on his cell phone, etc. Take care of you for you and your children.

September 10, 2001
6:47 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Not sure what you are going to do, but - I would tell him to leave if it were me. Go get a hotel room, dude.

There is no reason or excuse for him to still be talking to her. None. That's totally disrespecting you and it just looks bad on him and his intentions. Something is obviously - still up there.

But, you're talking to the wrong woman over here and I should probably not comment - but I don't give second chances in an offense like this. If you want variety, bubba - then go find it - kiss em all, but don't do it on my time and don't piss in my face and tell me it's raining either, baa-bye now.

But, I have this value thing - where I feel like - not only does he bring dishonor to you - but to his kids as well. Hey, if you're not happy anymore - do the honorable thing and walk away fair and square and above board. And you don't fight and dance about him sleeping with someone. Excuse me? That should be cut and dry - it's called - adultery. If everyone isn't happy about the marriage - then you either work it out or you walk away. But, you don't dance around about issues like this for crying outloud.

If it were me - wouldn't be much of a conversation. You did what? There's the door.

September 11, 2001
12:51 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Exactly, my point that there is something "lacking" in his life most likely has NOTHING to do with you and your relationship. It's an internal hole that he is trying to fill and for some reason has chosen to fill it with an affair.

I think deep down we're all expecting marriages/relationships to fill deep needs for us that just aren't possible to be filled by another human being. And when that expectation isn't met, people seek outside the marriage.

Jury is still out for me on whether a relationship can recover from an infidelity. At this time in my life I would have to say no, but then again I don't have any children.

Don't leave your kids, but as Ladeska suggests, showing him the door might be the best option available right now.

September 12, 2001
2:48 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

.....anymore I just feel like we take too many sidesteps here and there, backup, examine our navels, doubt our own instincts, blur the lines, get confused - when in all reality - some things should be BLACK AND WHITE. And that means - direct action with no butts, ands, wherefores, whereofs, whatabouts and definitely not alot of "discussion" and circular reasoning floating about.

Just like we should be swift, exact and effective in our actions as a country right now - we should do that in our personal lives as well. We beat the bush way too much and about all that flies out at us is our own lack of committment to hard lines representing character, courage, values and integrity.

Time for us all to be proactive in our own best interests and stop being zombies. Turn off the tube, take the earphones off, stop counting your money, personal possessions and degrees on the wall and wake up to what's really important - the quality of life. In order to have that quality that truly fulfills - we have to first know - what quality is. That means we have to do some introspection instead of blindly becoming products of external conditioning.

Either we are free thinkers or we're mindless sheep. It's one - or the other. One takes action and the other one whines alot.

September 12, 2001
2:59 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Your right Ladeska, and that is the eternal question that women must answer. is this what you call your dream, then honey your not dreaming big enough.

Where is that damn wand.b

September 12, 2001
3:12 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

... I don't know...one of those wooly, fat little sheep took off with it....they won't know what to do with it though...so not worried that it will be misused.

September 12, 2001
4:14 pm
Avatar
ranmar1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey guys, I'm here from the male perspective. As Molly, Ladeska and Gingerleigh know, I've been through all of this crappola, but from the male perspective. Once the trust has been violated, and the "affair" or "friendship" continues, the affair continues. They are just dragging out, milking what they want until they get it right in their mind what their next move is going to be. Unfortunately, you are left out of the loop, until it the public announcement of wanting to leave is made. My advice, and beleive me, I speak from experience, if he is still talking to her, he is still having an affair, maybe not physically, but intimately......it's still an AFFAIR!
Kick his ass out now. Don't let him drag you through the mud any longer. It's a life of a lie, and you will keep compromising yourself until you are sick to your stomach, and scream enough. You will be doing more harm than good to your kids as well........
Find a way, find help and react with action......I should have done it a lot earlier.......Randy

September 12, 2001
4:32 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think, too, we get caught up in this thing of - comparing ourselves with the "other person" and doing this personal little war with "them", not our partner - trying to see if we can win them back therefore sticking our tongue out at the other person - SEE, I got them back!!! Aren't I special?

Got what back? I think the only thing truly in question in this scenario is a person's self esteem. If we have a good one - we won't want them back and need to prove nothing to anyone.

It's kinda like why women or men go after someone already married or committed to someone. It's often just a game they play to see if they can get them away from someone else. Then when they get them, they don't really want them. So, if we lower ourselves to get caught up in that little game - what does that say about us?

People love, love, love to have more than one person wanting them or fighting over them. Nasty little trait.

Hey - if they take the bait - they can have each other. A rather deserving combo..*smile*

September 12, 2001
9:37 pm
Avatar
ranmar1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska,
So true. I've told my soon to be ex she should pack up her bags and just move in with her "just male friend" right now. Don't worry about what others think or say, she hasn't yet.
You're right though, what have you really won if you win the offending party back? It's not worth it to fight for something like this. Because you really end up losing in the end.....Randy

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
49 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109319

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

vfienfDazy, LeonardDazy, zlzDazy, dickDazy, ltyfDazy, EnriqueApent

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer