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My husband can't have friends???
March 19, 2010
12:49 pm
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crazywife
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I feel so ridiculous, humiliated, and embarrased having to post this, but I need HELP.

Let me start by saying that I have the most amazing husband. I am the one being completely unreasonable in this situation and I need help on how to fix it, because I WILL LEAVE HIM or HE WILL LEAVE ME. Our marriage will end because of this and we both know it. We have been together for 7 years, we have no children, don't plan on having any, and REALLY love each other. This is our only "real" problem and has been the elephant in the room since the very beginning.

In the easiest language I can use...I don't want him to want to spend time with other people (without me). I don't want him to WANT a life wihtout me. This boils down to me not wanting him to go golfing with a friend of his, play video games with that friend, or do other casual stuff...while I'm at work mind you. This is so crazy, I can't even believe this is coming out of my mouth. My husband works 4 days a week and I work 5. On his day off, he occassionally hangs out with a friend who also has that day off and it KILLS me. It's not about the friend, because my feelings would be the same about anyone. It's not about the activity...because I would be as upset about him going to a strip club as playing golf. It's about him wanting to spend time with others over me (which he rarely to never does, mind you).

It makes me feel so hurt...I mean it HURTS so bad that I believe I will give up on a wonderful marriage so I don't have to feel like this. I would rather be single and not have to feel so bad then continue to be stressed in this manner. Let me correct that...I don't want to be single. I want to stay married and figure out a way to not feel so bad and give him the freedom to hang out with friends without me. If I cannot figure out how to do this the marriage will end, because there is only so much he should be expected to deal with and only so many times I can continue to be stressed to the point I get.

Please HELP. I would love to hear any and all suggestions.

March 19, 2010
1:11 pm
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atalose
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The best advice I could offer is professional counseling. Not to sound like you can’t seek help here, but most of our deep rooted issues needs professional help. It sounds like you have a deep fear of losing him to something or someone. A professional can help you gain perspective about those feelings and where they may have come from.

Do you find yourself getting anxious on Thursday nights, dreading his agenda for the next day? How do you feel if you don’t know his plans ahead of time? Lets say he’s off on a Friday and he has not mentioned his plans to you, do you find yourself calling him more frequently to check up on his activities?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 19, 2010
1:22 pm
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Shaney
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Do you ever do things with your friends?
Bridal showers, occasional lunches with friends, girls night out?

March 19, 2010
1:37 pm
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crazywife
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I have tried professional counseling a couple of times before and it has not helped...perhaps I haven't found the right counselor...or perhaps it's me. Probably me. But maybe it's time to try again.

The emotion that your response elicited in me is so strong that I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. I think you are dead on, but the really crazy part is that I am WILLING to lose him to prevent how I feel from possibly losing him. I mean that is so totally crazy.

To answer some of your questions...No, I do not get anxious on Wednesday nights and I usually try not to ask him his agenda for the next day. I prefer not to know he has any plans, because it's better that I find out he did something after the fact, than the anticipation of knowing he's going to do something. I'm only slightly peeved after the fact, I'm irate, throwing things, crazy if I find out before hand. I don't call him to check up on his activities. I do assume though that he is doing something I wouldn't like, when I have no real grounds for believing that.

The incident that provoked these over the top feelings was that yesterday I stayed home "sick" so that we could do something togehter, as there was nice weather. He said that I didn't tell him I was staying home and only told him that I was going in late...so he had plans to go golfing with his friend in the morning and changed them to the afternoon when he thought I was going to be at work. I asked him to change his plans and do something we me because I was staying home from work and he said "no". I saw that as him choosing this guy over me and completely lost it. After he then rearranges the schedule so that I can go with, all of "those" feelings are gone...then I no longer care if he goes without me...in fact, I prefer it, because I didn't want to go golfing in the first place. I just wanted him to want me to go. So, I went into work in the afternoon and he went golfing.

March 19, 2010
2:09 pm
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Lanigirl
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Were you abandoned by someone in your life?

Counselor or an AA meeting is a good idea.

March 19, 2010
2:16 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I have to agree with the last post here, I deeply suspect you were hurt or abandoned by someone else and your afraid that might happen again...

I have been this way a long time ago, I have learned that its ok for my husband to have a life outside of me, for one its healthy for our relationship and I am not able to control him nor do I want too anymore...

But this came from not feeling so insecure anymore, being married for 15 years has helped me see that I am not going to lose him that easily, that he does indeed love me and if he did do that, I would be better off then....It took me a long time to get to this place...

I am still like this at times with the few friends in my life but as I make more friends I begin to see that having time with many people is better than relying on one person, who will begin to tire of me....and me of them, its nice to have someone miss you for change!

For instance this past week I did not see one of my friends for an entire week, we usually walk or hang out of a hour or so almost every day, but I had other plans and so did she so we had to wait till one week to see each other again...

I was actually happier to see her and I think she felt the same way, we had the whole day to spend together and it was really really nice!

Try to find things and people that interest you, holding onto to someone too much, can actually move them away from you....

March 19, 2010
6:23 pm
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fantas
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I too agree there are huge abandonment issues. You need to seek therapy. Find a counselor you can work with. Your husband cannot fill that empty feeling. Also, get something you can on your own. Instead of your husband getting other friends, how about you get other friends and make plans with them. Perhaps you could start off with volunteer work, where you have to leave your husband instead of the other way round.

March 19, 2010
8:23 pm
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bonni
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Keep looking until you find the right counselor. It will make all the difference in the world. Also, keep communicating with your husband so he knows you realize that you realize that logically, its ok for him to have friends and a life apart from you.

good luck,
bonni

March 19, 2010
10:10 pm
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atalose
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{{{{{I think you are dead on, but the really crazy part is that I am WILLING to lose him to prevent how I feel from possibly losing him. I mean that is so totally crazy. }}}}}

It sounds to me like you would rather end what you believe is causing you this pain (husband having anyone else in his life other then you, end the marriage) then deal with the deeper pain associated with what sparks them in the first place.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 19, 2010
10:38 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Wow, can I relate! I remember one relationship where I would just go ballistic whenever he wanted to do something on his own, without me. Actually, I think maybe it was two or three! It made me crazy, it made him (them?) crazy, the relationship(s) were doomed! *laugh*

I ended up taking a lot of time alone and finding interests and friends of my own. And then when I started my next relationship, him having friends didn't seem so weird, since I had friends and activities of my own too. I couldn't imagine my life without my ME TIME, and it just seemed suddenly to click to me that he needed his HIM TIME too. It didn't threaten me any more.

Do you have any YOU TIME, that's not work-related? How healthy is your circle of friends?

March 21, 2010
10:16 am
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crystalwaters
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For me, freedom to live my own life began to come when I realized that my mother had called me "selfish" over and over again my entire life. Even after I stopped talking to her much (and even still sometimes today) I will hesitate to do "my own thing" for fear that I'm being selfish. These labels die hard.

Crazywife, did you or do you have a parent who put you down for or discouraged you from doing things that were just for you?

March 22, 2010
9:34 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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good point crystal waters, I have had that experience too...told I was lazy, selfish blah blah blah only to have my first boyfriend continue that abuse....I can see how that would recylce itself, more than ever anymore.

March 22, 2010
3:37 pm
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crazywife
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First, to address the abandonment issues. There are 2 events that are likely significant, though I probably downplay them. Before I talk about those, I would also like to add that I may have come out of the womb this way!!! My mother said I had very peculiar behavior as an infant. She said that I would wake up screaming and crying every morning for about the first year to two years of life. She said she was so perplexed by what was happening that she used to sneak in my room, before I'd wake up to see if I was injuring myself in some way. She said that nothing unusual was going on, but that she remembers me standing in my crib with tears streaming down my face, and then when she would walk in, there would be a huge smile on my face, while continuing to cry. The 2 events that I mentioned earlier include my parents separating when I was 4, divorcing when I was 6, and both getting married to other people when I was 8. new step-dad was great and I lived with mom and step-dad...real dad not so much. Did not have a good relationship with him, still do not have one. I have not spoken to him in 3 years. The other event that might be significant is my grandfather dying when I was 8. I was "his favorite" though I don't think he was my favorite. I remember as a child not letting others get close to me. It used to break his heart that I wouldn't give him a kiss on the cheek and it used to make my mom angry, but I didn't want to.

I am not a dependent adult. Most people that know me would be shocked if they read what I have posted, and in all actuality they probably wouldn't believe it. I have a successful career, have earned an advanced degree, and help others in my profession. I am friendly with people at work, but don't really want to spend time with them outside of work. Some of you asked me if I go out with my friends and the answer is not really. I would much rather be spending time with my husband, whom I consider my best friend. I trust him and I don't trust most other people. I don't want them close to me and so we hang out with other people, but no, I would never say that I participate in a "girl's night out." Also, the idea of that terrifies me, because if I go to a "girl's night out" then it will be okay for my husband to do the same with the guys.

I plan on seeking some professional help on this issue AGAIN and I thank you for your input. This issue seems so foreign to most adults, that it's nice to hear some of you have struggled with similar problems in the past.

March 22, 2010
3:56 pm
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snowdrop
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'I am not a dependent adult. Most people that know me would be shocked if they read what I have posted, and in all actuality they probably wouldn't believe it. I have a successful career, have earned an advanced degree, and help others in my profession. I am friendly with people at work, but don't really want to spend time with them outside of work. Some of you asked me if I go out with my friends and the answer is not really.'

Crazywife, this is me too, and when I went into meltdown no-one could understand why. I was a very successful professional and had fallen in love big time, and it had derailed me to a point where all my insecurities had come together and my feeling of likely abandonment/not good enough/ etc. etc. were triggered by HOW I THOUGHT HE WAS TREATING ME!

This is the key, I was so sensitised to possible abandonment that almost anything he did that wasn't totally with me in mind set me off.

I suspect that this is your case too, your parents divorced when you were young so it's a safe bet that things were not right for quite some time before, maybe as a small child you could sense this, which would account for your current fears.

If you can I'd go into personal counselling as soon as you can,it really helped me to see why I react as I have done to people.

You can see that your behaviour is over the top, which is a recognition that all is not well, so now is the time to dig down and find out why.

March 23, 2010
12:39 pm
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Lanigirl
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CW,

It sounds like you know the source of your feelings and you're going to seek counseling again. Good work.

I had a person exit my life and although it's been awhile and it was a good thing that they're gone, I had an anger explosion. I have to talk myself through it - an early death in my childhood added to an already chaotic existence made me afraid of being abandoned.

I'm so glad you posted. Love to get an update on your progress.

March 23, 2010
1:15 pm
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atalose
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Crazywife,

Good for you, making a healthy decision for yourself, your husband and marriage. Isn’t it funny how our “first” instinct is to run, get away from those feelings……..kind of like trying to ditch our shadow on a bring sunny day, it just doesn’t work.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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