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2:37 pm
September 30, 2010
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Kathygy -
I am not angry with you or Krioka....
Lets please lets just be nice here okay....I am writing about myself because I need support making the separation/maybe divorce decision. I am well aware of my dog's safety. I do appreciate everyone's support.
I don't want anyone to get in an argument over me or what I may say,think or speak. I just want PEACE right now.
My therapist made it clear the other day that I care more about the dog than myself...which is something that disturbs me and her. I felt like I would rather my husband beat the crap out of me than my dog...that is what started our fight....but you see...I really need to care for myself. I have seriously neglected myself and my pet---mainly myself trying to please my husband and thus losing my self worth and identity. Right now my priority is myself and secondly my dog (who is fine and away from the situation now)...I made sure of that. I am literally going through Hades emotionally, spiritually and ultimatley my health is deteriorating over the stress of this situation. I can't eat, sleep, not not have a stomach ache, acne (I have NEVER had acne before). My heart is aching and I feel lost ...sometimes I feel like I am over-reacting....then again I go back and forth and truly this counseling site and everybody's advise has really been supportive to me and I don't think I would stick to my guns about my husband leaving the house without your alls support. I see my therapist twice a week and that is not enough for me. I count on people on this site to encourage me...and hopefully in the future I can do the same for others when I am in a better place to give advice. Seriously, besides this I only have less than a handfull of people that support me near where I live. I am very isolated right now, my dad isn't coming home until tommorrow. My mom lives 5 mi away but never calls me back. I just want to thank you all for helping me stay strong. Sincerely-Kelly
2:40 pm
September 30, 2010
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Darn it I didn't mean to put my real name on my post. But there are 80 million Ks in the world so I guess it doesn't matter-
Birdie
8:56 pm
Hi Birdie,
I'm glad you feel encouraged by what I've written, and I'm glad that you are finding it helpful to open up and tell more of your story here. It sounds like you are really making the most of every resource you can, to find a healthy solution to your situation.
I totally hear what you're saying about discovering that you've valued the dog more than yourself. That's the thing about being codependent... we do seem to find it easier to stick up for others than for ourselves. But now that you know that, you're on your way to better things!
Good luck with the counselling sessions. Things won't be solved in a day, but you're doing all the right things and going in a healthy direction. All the best to you, kroika.
9:03 pm
kathy,
You are right. Birdie did not ask for my protection. I thought that I was free to give feedback to you that I thought your post was not supportive.
I hear your objections to what I said. I still think you could get a lot out of that book, I certainly did.
I won't be on this site much the rest of the week as I have a heavy deadline for a paper and several assignments due on Friday. So if you say more to me and I don't respond, please don't think I am being passive.
kroika
9:14 pm
September 29, 2010
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9:16 pm
September 29, 2010
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Sorry about that, I meant to hit clear.
Lolli
12:00 am
September 24, 2010
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Hey birdie. please get out of there before the cat eats you just like slyvester he was always trying to get Tweedy PIE Remember? Bone T
9:32 am
September 30, 2010
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My husband moved out yesterday and went to counseling last night with my therapist alone. We are meeting with the priest tonight. He says he can't pay for half the expenses anymore...so I am looking for a f/t job asap...the teaching career move will have to wait until I get myself in a more secure independent financial situation. Looks like the marraige has a chance, but I am being very cautious. It hurts that the family and our friends knows now how screwed up our marraige was. I thought I would feel better, but I feel worse....I think that will go away once I feel self-suffencient again.
10:10 am
September 29, 2010
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The important thing here is that you are working on it and not just letting it continue. Yes you don't want anyone to know your dirty laundry but try focusing now on just moving forward and making things better for the future.
Good luck with the job search.
10:23 am
September 30, 2010
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It will be difficult at times but it will be better in time. You did the right thing. Consider how lucky you are to be able to start part of your life over and in a healthy fashion. Bet you'll notice a change in the dog too. Best wishes. Notsure
3:39 pm
Thanks for the update, Birdie.
I think you are wise to be cautious regarding the marriage. This is not going to be a quick fix. Hang on though, and don't let the fact that things feel temporarily worse, throw you. I've always heard it said that things get worse before they get better, and I believe it, too.
Best of luck with improving your financial independence. You are strong and determined to be healthy... you go, girl!
10:59 am
September 30, 2010
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Well, since Feb 15-my husband has been away (staying with his brother)and helping him with his wife (who came out of a coma and is not 100%) and kids.
The first week away was the hardest. I feel a lot of guilt over the separation and at the same time relief....I like the fact that I feel somewhat independent again. I visited friends without feeling guilty.
The thing that bothers me is that we agreed with the Priest that I would be the only one in the relationship to contact my husband, but when I was gone he talked to both my mother and father and came by and dropped off a gift for me. He has also been emailing me (I should/will stop reading the emails). I have only contacted him twice. Once by voicemail and the other time be email to tell him to give me time to think about stuff.
This separation is supposed to last until March 8. Three weeks....and then we have to go back to the priest and talk again to decide what to do for the next three weeks.
The good thing is that my husband is participating in individual counseling with my therapist and says he wants to change. I am a little reticent to hop right back into the marraige after these three weeks, because I feel like there will be a honeymoon period and things will go back to being the same. I realize that I ceeded my 'power' to my husband and let him take control for the last year. I am responsible for that; however, I don't know or can't make a decision regarding staying in the marraige right now. I am very confused.
Part of me wants to work it out and the other part of me wants to get out. To make myself feel better I have been putting full effort into sending out resumes for jobs and I have an interview on March 8 that is seriously long and important if I want to get into teaching. I guess this weekend I will work on getting prepared for the interview.
In addition, I feel conflicted --is it normal to feel 'numb' towards someone you loved before? I basically feel numb. I don't really want to see him until March so I can think....I also want him to see what life would be like without me and vice versa. Right now I am the one in control, before this I let him call the shots.....
any advice?
11:47 am
September 29, 2010
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Hi,
Well I think it is normal to kinda feel numb. You two have been through alot and now you are still sorting through everything. I would say if part of you still wants to try and make this marriage work then you should give it a shot. I do think though that three weeks isn't long enough for you two to just then jump back together...especially since he hasn't been sticking to it. I would say after three weeks maybe you guys could start seeing each other like once or twice a week but not just go back to regular full time lives together. I think you really want to get yourself together and in order to do that and do it successfully you need to have this time by yourself and there is nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. If you two are to make it in the end then you each have to be independent so you can then become interdependent and not just go back to being completely dependent on each other.
Hope that helps and good luck with the changes and growth you have made so far!!
12:41 pm
September 30, 2010
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I am sure that it will be difficult at times and even numbing.
No worries though as you are doing fine.
YOU set your own agenda and stick with what works best for YOU!!
If it is March so be it. If it is later that is okay too. Glad you are using someone to help but remember it is still your decision.
Good luck.
Regards. Notsure
6:50 pm
Hi Birdie
Good to hear back from you again, I was wondering how you were doing. Thanks for the update.
Congrats on the upcoming job interview -- I hope it goes well!
I'm not surprised to hear that you feel numb. I think that's a very natural reaction. I really have no advice to give, I agree with Notsure that it's good you are getting help, and all you really need is support to make your own decision.
What do you truly feel is best for you? Do that.
Please do keep us posted on how things go... we care.
all the best, kroika
6:32 am
September 27, 2010
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birdie,
I think it is too soon to be thinking about going back to live with your husband. In my opinion, it would be good if you were separated for at least a year or more until you truly saw changes in his behavior.
I think men with problems controlling their rage need a lot more time in therapy than three weeks. Also, I suggest that you go to a different therapist for your own individual counseling. This will help keep your recovery from an abusive relationship on a more even keel and separate from issues with your marriage and whether you want to still be married or not.
It is your choice. Do not feel pressured or guilty for wanting to end the marriage if you so desire. Nobody knows what you will live through, if you decide to stay. Nobody will take your place if he decides to one day start beating you or any future children you may have with him. I would fear for my future children if he were the father.
Stay safe and keep the dog away from him.
Kindly,
~~bonita
10:45 pm
September 30, 2010
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Thanks for your input ---
Bonita1-
I don't know if my husband could handle a separation for a year. I would imagine that he would act-out sexually with someone else.
Currently, I am not in the emotional position to have sex period. That makes me feel guilty. Damn it I just feel freaken guilty about this whole thing. When I first mentioned a separation, my husband thought it would only be for two weeks.....he got upset because we wouldn't be having sex. He jokingly said I was going to "kill" him.
I think he thinks that if he gets me in bed (which he tried to do in an inappropriate place before we went to counseling together)...that I will take him back and everything will work out.
If he cheats---I told him its a deal breaker. But am I setting him up for failure?
1:31 am
September 27, 2010
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jeez louise!!
He can try cold showers, a lot of exercise and good hard physically exhausting work.
It seems that self control is a big problem with him; with his rages, with his sexual urges. He sounds like a pretty selfish guy. You on the other hand are heaping on yourself inappropriate guilt. You are NOT the bad guy here. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are not the one who beats the poor defenseless dog!!!
~~bonita
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